Naming Rights

Sunday --- it is a glorious, sunny day in The Sack.

An impromptu gathering of residents chat idly at the curb. Florence, our next door neighbour, joins the fray and asks for our collective assistance.

***

It seems that her new foreign student arrived late last night. Everyone feigns surprise. It is impossible to be unaware of such comings and goings in The Sack. Official announcements about such matters are redundant.

***

The young woman is from China and will attend a local university beginning next week. According to Florence, she speaks little, if any, English. Apparently, unless one is a Chinese linguist, it is impossible to pronounce her name.

In consultation with the young woman and the organization that oversees her placement, it is decided that she requires an English name. It is this matter that Florence seeks our assistance with.

***

Oscar and I are deeply moved. It is a privilege to bestow a name upon another human being. Outside of the birth of a child, it is a rare opportunity, indeed.

***

There is a flurry of discussion among those present. Oscar and I separate ourselves from the group. We require some solitude to give this matter the quiet, careful consideration it deserves.

We run through a number of possible names. Oscar massages his chin. He is taking this task very seriously. We respectfully debate the advantages and disadvantages of each other's ideas. Finally, after much meditation on the matter, we agree on one of Oscar's first suggestions.

***

We have decided that the new Chinese student should be known as Mulva, in homage to an old episode of Seinfeld. We agree that this moniker is easy to pronounce, remember and spell. It is also pop culturally relevant.

***

We are dismayed to find that the rest of the neighbours have moved onto Florence's porch. Before we can make our announcement, we learn that a name has already been chosen. The young woman has been informed and is apparently quite pleased with her new handle.

Oscar is devastated. He will not be seen for the rest of the afternoon.

***

The charming young student's new name is Tammy.

***

Oscar and I will be sticking with Mulva.

***