Catching Waves

The weather was brisk in the old town on Sunday afternoon. I wore a thick pullover and was grateful for the work gloves on my hands.

I stood on the Wonders' driveway in preparation for some season-ending chores. The lawn needed its semiannual dusting of lime. And the outdoor furniture needed dry shelter for the winter. This included the Muskoka chairs on the front porch. Oscar and I sit there during our show.

But now it was time to close things down for the winter.

***

It was remarkably quiet around the Sack.

The only one who stirred outdoors was Big Doug. For two hours, he toiled around his own yard in preparation for winter's arrival. Watching him from my front window was what moved me to do the same.

Now Big Doug stood on his lawn with his hands on his hips. He bore the look of a man whose labours are complete. His face was set in defiant accomplishment. It simply dared the world to accuse him of idleness.

***

I gave Big Doug a friendly wave from across the street. I don't like to brag about such matters, but I'm very good at friendly waving.

Big Doug, of course, is also very good at waving. He raised a thick left forearm and made a brief waving gesture. Then he seamlessly turned the wave into a quick salute. If I'm not mistaken, Big Doug's meaty paw was formed in a perfect Cub Scout salute.

This is the way Big Doug always returns a wave. Oscar says it's one of the big man's trademarks. Without doubt, it's a very distinctive and authoritative gesture.

***

The subject of waving, of course, was recently addressed on our show. It occurred during our season-ending edition.

Weed introduced the topic. Then he presented his most recent theories about waving in the Sack. He said he had been observing the matter for some time.

According to Weed, almost everyone in the Sack has a distinct waving style. He says no two people seem to be alike in this regard. In this way, he says we're very much like snowflakes.

(Oscar says Weed almost always mentions snowflakes when two things are seemingly identical, but really aren't. He thinks Weed's use of this particular metaphor is "chronic." Of course, Oscar has the same thing going on with dryness and the Gobi Desert. And, I must admit, I'm just as guilty when it comes to pie and things which are easy.)

***

To illustrate his point, Weed quickly ran down a list of various Sack residents. In each case, he noted their distinctive waves.

Oscar, he observed, eschews the traditional wave in favour of pointing. Weed says it's a style frequently used by politicians when they respond to a cheering crowd. When politicians see someone they know in the audience, they point directly at the person. Weed says the individual is usually someone who donated large sums of money to the politician. He could be right about this.

Oscar, of course, says this is all nonsense. He said got the idea for his "pointing wave" from watching Mick Jagger.

***

Ben, on the other hand, is more of a traditional waver. With fingers splayed, he moves his outstretched arm back and forth like a windshield wiper.

And Florence, the Wonders' next-door neighbour, uses a tighter, window-washing movement when she waves.

Weed says Jeff Christ has a compelling "minimalist" waving style. It consists of a motionless, upturned palm. Apparently, Jeff adds an almost imperceptible nod to his wave. Weed says it's really more of a hail, rather than a wave. But either way, he thinks it's a very peaceful, warm gesture. He could be right about this, too.

***

Another distinctive wave, according to Weed, belongs to Elizabeth.

Like her regal namesake, Elizabeth's wave is very genteel. She cups her right hand and makes a slow, gentle, rotating motion.

Weed says Elizabeth is not one to initiate waves. In fact, he says she'll only return a wave if she's at a higher altitude than the wave initiator. Weed says he has yet to see her wave from anywhere other than her elevated front porch.

***

Observing the waving habits of Sack residents has caused Weed to take a critical look at his own waving practices.

Although it was difficult to admit, Weed finds his own wave to be "pedestrian, at best." He said he's going to take some time and experiment with a few new waves.

"If I'm lucky," he said hopefully, "I'll come up with a wave that suits me."

Out of curiosity, Oscar asked Weed to demonstrate his existing wave. Weed took a quick look around the Sack and then quickly performed the gesture. Oscar looked at Weed and nodded.

"Yeah, you're gonna have to get rid of that," he said sagely.

***

Weed says he has three waves that he wants to "try on for size."

The first wave is a conventional "thumbs up" affair. It's a simple, distinct and friendly type of wave, he explained, but it may not be useful in every situation. A good wave, according to Weed, can be used under any circumstance.

The second wave is the well-known "A-Okay" sign. Weed says this wave is simple and carries a positive message. He admitted that the "A-Okay" wave was one that he was definitely learning toward.

Of course, Weed claims that he'll give the other waves a fair chance, nonetheless. I told him this was the least one could expect from him.

***

Weed remains uncertain about the third "test wave."

He knows that it will involve a pantomime pistol shooting. He just hasn't decided whether he'll do it with one imaginary pistol or two.

I told Weed that I would lean heavily toward the one-pistol wave, if I were he. Oscar agreed. He said Weed would be "going overboard" if he walked around with a two-pistol wave. Weed looked very doubtful about this.

***

It only took about an hour for me to finish my season-ending chores.

I returned to the front yard and looked out upon the Sack. Big Doug was nowhere to be seen. Aside from the Sack's two cowboy kids, the neighbourhood remained in a Sunday stupor.

With my work complete, I decided to summon Big Doug's look of defiant accomplishment. I placed my hands on my hips and grimaced in the manner Big Doug had demonstrated earlier. I was barely aware that Mrs. Wonders had arrived in the driveway.

She stared at my look of defiant accomplishment and then asked if I was suffering from a toothache.

***

After Mrs. Wonders went into the house, Oscar motored into the Sack. Weed was sitting in the front passenger seat.

Oscar opened the driver's door and stepped onto the driveway. He looked over toward me and gave his patented "pointing wave." At the same time, Weed emerged from the passenger aside. He walked around to the rear of the vehicle and gave me one of his experimental waves.

It was a two-pistol gesture.

I flashed them both a peace sign. This has been my wave for some time now. I think I'm going to stick with it.

***

Pleasant Diversions

I decided to start the beginning of each segment of this post with an extra-large capital letter.

There's no predicting how crazy I can get sometimes.

***

The Sack Resident's Society has been shaken from its doldrums.

Under Gordon's august leadership, the Society took form last year. Its main purpose is to defend the Sack from any dastardly intrusions by the outside world. According to Oscar, it's also meant to reshape Sack residents into a reasonable facsimile of Gordon's image.

In the beginning, the Society gathered a fair amount of momentum. Several well-attended meetings were held in quick succession. Gordon even set up an email group for the Society. He said it would help to "facilitate communication" among Sack residents.

Gordon is also planning to introduce a Society website soon. He hopes to have it operating by early next year. Right now, he's taking a course in web design at the old town's community college. Until early December, he goes to class every Wednesday night. When he's finished, he hopes to create the site on his own. In addition to being the Society's chairperson, Gordon says he'll be pleased to act as its "webmaster."

Weed says that a Gordon-designed site will undoubtedly have garish colours and an abundance of flashing icons. He could be right about this.

***

Gordon also developed a logo for the Society's letterhead. It will likely adorn the Sack's new website, as well.

The logo depicts the image of a soaring raptor. Sack residents, including Gordon, remain unaware of the bird's true identity. Unfortunately, he has chosen a turkey vulture for the Sack's logo.

***

Despite its energetic beginnings, the Society has been dormant for a lengthy period. Over the last six months, several meetings have been scheduled and then postponed. Until this week, there wasn't even a proposed date for the next meeting.

The last group email was sent last winter. Gordon had returned from his annual trip to Cuba, only to learn that one of his prized snow shovels was missing. Apparently the shovel has a particular design meant only for professional snow removal personnel. According to Gordon, it was as close to irreplaceable as a snow shovel can be.

So he sent an email asking for the whereabouts of his shovel. I'm told that nobody replied to his missive. Nevertheless, the shovel appeared in the Sack's centre circle within a few days.

Oscar says he can't begin to imagine who might've taken Gordon's shovel.

***

But now, the Society has been shaken from its slumber. Apparently, new development plans have been unveiled for the vacant lot adjacent to the Sack.

The vacant land is currently zoned for commercial activity. The retail possibilities have been a source of conjecture in the Sack for some time. But now the owner of the land has made an application for a change in the zoning designation. The new plan calls for the creation of a small group of townhouses.

The full proposal was mailed to Sack residents last week. The townhouse development is called Serenity Terrace. An artist's rendering of the homes and the layout of the new street was included in the proposal.

It appears that Serenity Terrace will be a small cul-de-sac.

***

According to Gordon, the development application is a fantastic break for the Sack. The absence of any commercial activity means the Sack won't be exposed to the vulgarities of the outside world. That's not exactly how Gordon phrased it, of course. But that's how it sounded to your agent.

A group of stores adjacent to the Sack, in Gordon's eyes, would bring loud, careless people who lacked a "vested interest" in the Sack's welfare. The noise from these creatures, he added, would surely drive us all mad. Invariably, these louts would also pillage the Sack at every opportunity.

On the other hand, Gordon argued, the new residential development will bring people who are concerned about civility. It will also provide a further buffer between the Sack and the local coffee cathedral. The coffee cathedral lies on the opposite side of the vacant land. Although it stands a reasonable distance from the Sack, it still generates its share of noise complaints from Sack residents (mainly Gordon).

So Serenity Terrace will have the benefit of the coffee cathedral noise rather than the Sack. Gordon explained this to me with a crafty, knowing look.

***

Support for the residential proposal seems widespread among Sack residents. In fact, an opposing view on the matter has yet to be heard.

Nevertheless, Gordon says it will be essential for the Sack to show up in large numbers at the public meeting scheduled for early next month. Apparently, there is some opposition to the proposal in the local community. As a result, Gordon says we'll need to develop a coherent communication plan in time for the meeting. At least, that's what his email on the matter said. He wants the Society to hold an emergency gathering for this very purpose.

***

When the Society was formed, Oscar enlisted me to join him as an undercover suburban anarchist. Recently, Weed volunteered to join our ranks. Oscar granted him provisional status. He said Weed would have to serve a period of probation first. Weed reluctantly agreed.

The chief responsibility of a suburban anarchist, according to Oscar, is to oppose anything that Gordon supports. So I was very surprised to hear about Oscar's strong support for the Serenity Terrace proposal.

Oscar, of course, has been a strong proponent of the commercial property that was supposed to be erected. He said his heart was set on seeing a donair shop open within mere steps of the Sack. But something far more important has now caused him to reverse his position and support the residential plan.

The resident's association for Pleasant Street is apparently opposing the creation of Serenity Terrace.

***

Pleasant Street, of course, is not held in very high esteem by some Sack residents. It's an older cul-de-sac that lies several blocks away from the Sack. Recently, it was the site of an unsolved trampoline heist.

Oscar's nemesis, Dan "Danny" McGraw lives on Pleasant Street. Many years ago, Oscar's mother was slighted in some small manner by Dan's mother. Oscar says his disdain for Dan "drifted down by osmosis" from his mother.

Little Doug's boss lives on Pleasant Street, too. Like Oscar and Dan, Little Doug says there is "no love lost" between him and his boss. Unlike Oscar, however, Little Doug says osmosis has nothing to do with the matter. He says his boss created the dislike all by himself.

According to Little Doug, everyone at his work dislikes the Pleasant Street boss. "One of these days," he said with a serious look, "somebody at work is going to take a two-by-four to the guy."

When Little Doug says "two-by-four," it sounds like tuba four.

***

On our show recently, Big Doug admitted to his own low regard for Pleasant Street.

A number of years ago, Big Doug's pickup truck received a tune-up and an oil change at a local garage. Several days later, he noticed that his dipstick was missing. His request for a replacement dipstick apparently fell on deaf ears at the garage.

The mechanic who worked on Big Doug's truck now lives on Pleasant Street. Big Doug says the guy is a "dipstick arsehole."

***

Of course, Gordon has his own axe to grind with Pleasant Street.

Last autumn, his counterpart with Pleasant Street's resident's association hung up the phone on him during a conversation about property taxes. Apparently, Gordon had complained to the old town about the disparity in property taxes between the Sack and Pleasant Street.

The grand poobah of Pleasant Street didn't like this one bit.

***

More recently, even Norma confessed to some Pleasant Street animosity. Last spring, a Pleasant Streeter won the jackpot during Norma's weekly bingo night.

According to Norma, the Pleasant Street woman was just a little too exuberant in celebrating her good fortune. She said the woman started to dance and made a stirring motion with her hands. Apparently, she concluded the impromptu jig with a few pelvic thrusts.

Bingo veterans, according to Norma, were appalled.

***

So battle lines are being drawn between the Sack and Pleasant Street. At stake will be the fate of Serenity Terrace.

Weed says this conflict is actually a very good thing. Winter is quickly approaching. Suburban boredom, as Weed described it, will soon be at its peak. He says the battle for Serenity Terrace is exactly what we need to keep us occupied through the colder months.

He could be right about this.

***

Snakes and Ladders

Monday was Thanksgiving Day in the old town. It was like that for the rest of Canada, too.

It was a national holiday.

And if anyone deserved thanks on that day, it was the person in charge of the old town's weather. It you could imagine a more glorious day, then you're a better man (or woman) than I.

Thank you, Jeff Christ's Dad.

***

It was early afternoon on Thanksgiving Day.

Mrs. Wonders and a visiting friend were enjoying the summer-like temperatures on the back deck. A bottle of red wine had just been opened.

I walked into the living room and stood in the front window. I was considered my options for the afternoon. There were any number of minor household maintenance activities deserving of my attention. Home ownership invites a never-ending list of work to be done.

There were several intellectual pursuits on the menu, as well. Is there a better way to spend an afternoon than in the lazy pursuit of knowledge?

And, of course, the blogging machine beckoned. The Sack's inbox is always filled with news and untold tales. Only a full-time scribe could keep up with the complete tales of Sack shenanigans.

Finally, leisure activities were also open for consideration. This included a gentle nap in the sun-filled splendour of the upstairs bedroom.

But then I noticed Oscar and Little Doug standing on Oscar's driveway.

***

Oscar was pointing at something on his roof. Little Doug had his hands on his hips. He was nodding his head slowly as he listened to his neighbour.

It looked like Sack business was going to occupy some of my time, instead. Oscar was getting ready to put Little Doug to work on his roof.

***

It would be unfair to say that Oscar has no particular home maintenance skill. In truth, one can only say that he has never been observed in the act of any significant labour around his own property.

So it's possible that Oscar is actually a very skilled tradesman.

But it's also very unlikely. Nevertheless, Oscar has been able to keep his home in relatively good repair. His success, of course, is directly attributed to his ability to convince Little Doug to do the work for him.

***

Little Doug and things that require fixing seem to gravitate toward each other. It seems impossible for him to walk past something that needs repair without lending a helping hand. In the end, he does the bulk of the work himself.

His propensity for such matters may have something to do with his ability to fix almost anything. It may also have something to do with the fact that he owns the right tool for just about any repair job.

If you were on a space voyage, Oscar says Little Doug is exactly the kind of man you would want aboard your spaceship. If you crashed on the moon or on a distant planet, he says Little Doug could probably find a way to fix the spaceship and get you back to Earth.

I remain very doubtful about this.

***

But Little Doug is good at fixing things.

Oscar was the first to realize that Little Doug can be easily enticed into a home repair or maintenance task. The first step is to ask him for advice or the loan of a particular tool. Little Doug will be unable to contain his interest in the job. Within mere minutes, he'll be carrying out the repair himself.

Of course, Little Doug often performs these acts of kindness at the expense of his own property. At any given time, Daisy says her father has at least three household jobs left partially completed. Weed says Little Doug is like a famous chef who doesn't like to cook for himself.

He could be right about this.

***

On this particular day, Oscar decided that he needed to have some new shingles attached to his roof. The old shingles had blown away during Hurricane Juan in 2003. Only about eight shingles needed attention but Oscar said it was a job of some importance. He could give no reason why the matter was just receiving his attention now.

"I guess it just came up in the rotation today," he said with a shrug.

***

Houses in the Sack are tall and narrow. Cavorting on Sack roofs is not for the weak of stomach.

Little Doug is renowned for his ladder-climbing enthusiasm. A ladder has yet to be invented that could keep him from its rungs. As a result, he's a popular man when it comes to roof repair.

He's also the only person in the Sack who owns a ladder capable of reaching anyone's roof.

***

While Little Doug is known for being good at climbing ladders, he is also recognized for being good at falling from them. Last year, he fell about six feet and broke his arm. This event alone made him a contender for last year's Doug of the Year (DOTY) award.

Little Doug shyly admits that he has fallen from ladders in the past. But he says last year's fall was the only one that resulted in any significant injury.

So despite this recent history, Little Doug volunteered to climb on Oscar's roof and put on the new shingles. He regarded the matter as something akin to riding a bicycle. If you fell off your bike, he argued, you should get right back on it. That way, he said earnestly, you don't lose your nerve.

This would make sense, I told him, if he owned a bike that stood twenty feet high. That's when Oscar said I should mind my own business.

***

Word of Little Doug's plan to climb onto Oscar's roof seemed to filter through the Sack.

By the time Little Doug brought his ladder around to the side of Oscar's house, a gaggle of residents had accumulated on Oscar's driveway. Ben was there along with a bemused Jeff Christ. They had just returned from the local coffee cathedral. Jeff Christ was carrying a takeout tray that contained three cups of coffee. Apparently one of the cups was meant for Norma.

Ben said they saw Little Doug with his ladder as they walked into the Sack. He said it had been a very quiet Thanksgiving so far. So watching Little Doug work on Oscar's roof seemed appealing to both of them.

Weed had materialized on Oscar's driveway as well. He had noticed the gathering from his window and decided to investigate. He was wearing pyjama bottoms and a dress shirt. He said this particular combination of clothing is perfect for him when he's at home.

"I'm pretty much ready for any eventuality," he said, looking down at his lime green dress shirt and his red flannel pyjama bottoms. "If you want to go downtown for a while," he said, snapping his fingers, "I'll be ready to go twice as fast as anybody else. And if you just want to chill for a while, I'm almost there, too"

I remain doubtful about this.

***

Florence was standing near the Sack's centre circle, along with "Hurricane" Helene, her South Korean boarder. Apparently, Helene had never seen a man fall off a roof before. According to Oscar, such behaviour is frowned upon in South Korea.

I remain doubtful about this, too.

Not surprisingly, young Doo was also seen in the vicinity of Oscar's driveway. He has a nose for anything relating to the building trades. Watching someone climb a ladder is right up his alley.

I'm not sure what Doo would think if he witnessed someone fall from a ladder. But something tells me that he would approve.

***

The Sack's two cowboy kids were also in attendance for the ladder-climbing.

Rental Doug's blended family kid and a trusty Sack pal enjoy dressing as cowboys at every opportunity. Weed said the cowboys had heard about a hanging planned for the Sack. Apparently they were disappointed to learn that only a ladder-climbing was on tap.

Nevertheless, they stayed on Oscar's driveway to witness Little Doug's climb.

***

So there was a little bit of a circus atmosphere as Little Doug began his ascent onto Oscar's roof.

Thankfully, Little Doug successfully scampered up the ladder and replaced Oscar's shingles without incident. He received a round of polite applause when he climbed back down.

Then young Doo asked if he could take a turn on the ladder. Oscar told the boy to "knock himself out." Fortunately, Little Doug shooed the lad away from the ladder with a friendly pat on the shoulder.

***

Even after Little Doug had put his ladder away, people still lingered in the area of Oscar's driveway. In fact, even more Sack residents had emerged from their homes.

Big Doug had started to wash his truck. Oscar says Big Doug has the cleanest truck in the entire Western Hemisphere.

He could be right about this.

***

Elizabeth had joined Florence and "Hurricane" Helene near the Sack's centre circle. She was reciting for Helene every Japanese word she knows. Apparently, Elizabeth knows more than twelve words of Japanese.

Helene, of course, is from South Korea. So she just smiled and nodded at Elizabeth. This was the same reaction she gave Oscar when he asked for her opinion on the proliferation of nuclear weapons in Asia.

***

The Sack cowboys had permitted young Doo to join them in some western hijinks. Doo's a very willing participant when older Sack kids invite him into their play.

In this case, he had agreed to act as a bucking bronco. Doo was running in a zigzag pattern with the cowboys hot on his heels. Each was trying to cast a thin plastic rope and lasso the younger boy.

Eventually, they caught him and wrestled him onto Computer Doug's lawn. The last time I looked, Doo was squealing with excitement as the cowboys tried to tie his ankles together.

***

In the midst of this, Oscar's boy, Dorian had emerged with two of his friends. Each of the boys has undergone a recent growth spurt. At thirteen years of age, they're now taller, leaner and a bit more confident.

The boys began to shoot baskets on Oscar's driveway.

***

So Little Doug's adventure on Oscar's roof was the catalyst for bringing Sack people out of their homes on Thanksgiving Day.

In the grand scheme of things, the ladder-climbing provided only mild amusement. It was really just a conduit for Sack people to interact with each other in larger numbers. They just need a common focus to bring themselves together. Ladder-climbing is as good a reason as any.

Oscar says this is why Burning Manor is actually very good for the Sack. He says it gives everyone a sense of unity in the face of a common annoyance.

He could be right about this.

***

After putting his ladder away, Little Doug revealed a very important piece of information. Apparently, Oscar had asked him to attend to a second task while he was on the roof.

According to Little Doug, you can see the Atlantic Ocean from the roof of Oscar's house. He was asked to confirm this when he reached the top of the ladder.

Oscar was ecstatic to hear this news. In fact, he admitted that Little Doug's second assignment was really the chief reason for climbing onto his roof. He said the addition of the new shingles was a mere bonus.

The ability to see the ocean from one's home, according to Oscar, could add up to fifty thousand dollars to the value of Sack homes. An ocean view, he argued, is an ocean view. It doesn't matter how much effort is required to obtain it.

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Dream Weavers

A grand harvest moon loomed over the old town this week. I will assume that it loomed over other places as well.

Oscar claims that he sleeps better during a full moon. If he has a really good dream, he says you can almost be certain that it will happen during a full moon.

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Last weekend marked the final edition of the outdoor version of our show for this year. Nights in the old town have quickly become cooler. Already there have been overnight frost warnings.

The last show was notable for one reason. For the first time, all four Dougs made a guest appearance on the same show. Little Doug and Computer Doug were on the show at the same time. Big Doug and Rental Doug made separate cameo appearances.

Oscar called our last show an All Doug Extravaganza.

This marks the first time I've been part of an extravaganza of any kind. I suppose I've just assumed that I'd never travel in the kind of circle where an extravaganza might occur.

Few people, according to Oscar, get the chance to be part of an extravaganza. This is why he thinks we should consider ourselves to be "lucky bastards."

He could be right about this.

***

Computer Doug and his wife Marion have bought tickets for a local dream home lottery. Profit from the lottery will go toward the old town's main hospital.

The so-called dream home is located in an exclusive golf course community. Membership in the course is included in the ownership of the home. According to Computer Doug, the dream home is a fantastic creation, indeed. He says the home's backyard looks onto the fairway of the thirteenth hole. Apparently, there's an actual fireplace in the home's front foyer.

Computer Doug says a superfluous fireplace is a true mark of an expensive home. He could be right about this, too.

***

Oscar said it would be a very fine thing to live in the midst of such a beautiful golf course. Even though it's a relatively new facility, the course is already recognized as one of the best in the province. The clubhouse is notable for its fine dining and luxurious bar. Oscar says the bar has deep leather armchairs and dark wood panelling.

It wouldn't be hard to imagine Oscar holding regular court in the clubhouse bar if he won the dream home.

***

Little Doug said the dream home lottery ticket sounded like something he would be interested in. In fact, he said he was giving the idea serious consideration. The cost of a ticket is one hundred dollars.

Winter time, according to Little Doug, would be the best time to enjoy the dream home. He said golf courses are an excellent place to drive a snowmobile, especially on long, undulating fairways.

Little Doug didn't use the word undulating, of course. He just moved his hand in an undulating motion to explain what he meant. It's my job to put the words in his mouth when necessary.

The specific location of the dream home was also very appealing to Little Doug. He says the area holds great possibilities for moose hunting. Oscar said he doubted that anyone in the golf course community would be very keen on snowmobiling or moose hunting. In fact, he said he was quite certain that such activity would be frowned upon.

Little Doug seemed skeptical about this, at first. But when Oscar persisted in dousing his dream home ideas, he lost interest in the whole matter. He said it was starting to sound more like a "nightmare home" lottery.

***

Big Doug had his own opinion on the dream home lottery.

Although he's an avid golfer, he was far more interested in seeing Dirk and Dora take ownership of the dream home. He thinks we should pass a hat around to purchase a ticket for them. If it's a winning ticket, they'll be given the dream home in exchange for ownership of Burning Manor.

Not only would the Sack be rid of Dirk and Dora, Big Doug argued, but the "rich folks" would get a dose what others have to deal with every day.

Oscar thought Big Doug's idea was a good one. He said it would be great fun to observe Dirk and Dora in such a foreign habitat.

Hilarity, he pointed out, would surely ensue.

***

Weed says the "fish out of water" motif is a common one in the world of television and movies. He said Dirk and Dora's life in the dream home would be the old town's version of The Beverly Hillbillies.

And if Little Doug lived in the dream home, Weed says the resulting television show would probably be called Elmer Fudd Goes Golfing. He could be right about this.

***

Rental Doug made his second consecutive appearance on the show. Big Doug had just left. We could still see him over on his driveway. He was holding a flashlight while checking the air pressure in his tires.

Big Doug takes tire pressure far more seriously than most people.

Rental Doug had just returned home with his blended family. He spotted the show in progress and trotted across the street. He quickly accepted a friendly offer of drink.

***

Rental Doug said he was familiar with the dream home lottery. While the house sounded appealing to him, he said his focus was on the house that he currently occupies in the Sack. According to Rental Doug, he wants to buy the house from its owner.

Oscar says this is blockbuster news for the Sack. He says it's just the kind of thing one should expect from an extravaganza.

Acquiring permanent residency in the Sack, according to Oscar, could mean that Satan is ready to make a move of some kind in the near future. Weed said it could even be a reaction to the recent appearance of Jeff Christ.

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Unfortunately, the rental company claims that it hasn't heard anything from the minister who owns the house. Rental Doug says he thinks they might just be giving him "the run around." They would be losing business if Rental Doug bought the property.

Of course, if Rental Doug became an owner, he would require a new name. Owner Doug, according to Oscar, just wouldn't cut it. After Rental Doug left the show, Oscar wanted to make a decision on his new name, in the event that he became a Sack homeowner.

Of course, neither Weed, nor your agent, wanted any part of this debate. Weed said he didn't want to waste his naming energies on something that remains purely hypothetical.

I said I couldn't have said it better than Weed.

***

Rental Doug says his ballroom dancing classes are going well. He says he seems to have a natural talent for dancing the tango.

Later, Oscar said it was no surprise that Rental Doug would excel at the tango. He says this is exactly the kind of dance one would expect Satan to enjoy. Oscar says the tango involves "sophisticated movement and sleazy intentions." This is precisely what one should expect, he added, from the Devil or any of his henchmen.

***

Weed was enthralled by Oscar's mention of the word "henchman." He said it's an occupation that one doesn't hear much about anymore. While he has no interest in becoming someone else's henchman, he said it might be very useful to have one's own. He said they would come in particularly handy at the call centre where he toils during the day.

"Supervisors would have to think carefully about my henchmen," he said with a faraway look in his eyes, "before they decided to mess with me."

***

Before the show ended, Oscar, Weed and your agent agreed to buy individual tickets for the dream home. If one of us is fortunate enough to win the home, the others will get a chance, despite our limited abilities, to play on the exclusive golf course for free. This is because the winner will declare the other two as his personal henchmen.

And henchmen, like caddies, gain entry to a golf course for free.

***

That night I slept very soundly. I'm quite sure the harvest moon hadn't arrived yet.

Nevertheless, I dreamed that I had won the dream home.

Mrs. Wonders and I were happily ensconced in the golf course community. I had my own red motorized golf cart that I used to navigate both the golf course and the surrounding community.

Oscar and Weed, of course, were my henchmen. They certainly got the chance to play golf with me from time to time. But in this dream, they were occupied in a more important task on my behalf.

My henchmen were busy raking the leaves around the spacious dream home property.

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