Dream Weavers

A grand harvest moon loomed over the old town this week. I will assume that it loomed over other places as well.

Oscar claims that he sleeps better during a full moon. If he has a really good dream, he says you can almost be certain that it will happen during a full moon.

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Last weekend marked the final edition of the outdoor version of our show for this year. Nights in the old town have quickly become cooler. Already there have been overnight frost warnings.

The last show was notable for one reason. For the first time, all four Dougs made a guest appearance on the same show. Little Doug and Computer Doug were on the show at the same time. Big Doug and Rental Doug made separate cameo appearances.

Oscar called our last show an All Doug Extravaganza.

This marks the first time I've been part of an extravaganza of any kind. I suppose I've just assumed that I'd never travel in the kind of circle where an extravaganza might occur.

Few people, according to Oscar, get the chance to be part of an extravaganza. This is why he thinks we should consider ourselves to be "lucky bastards."

He could be right about this.

***

Computer Doug and his wife Marion have bought tickets for a local dream home lottery. Profit from the lottery will go toward the old town's main hospital.

The so-called dream home is located in an exclusive golf course community. Membership in the course is included in the ownership of the home. According to Computer Doug, the dream home is a fantastic creation, indeed. He says the home's backyard looks onto the fairway of the thirteenth hole. Apparently, there's an actual fireplace in the home's front foyer.

Computer Doug says a superfluous fireplace is a true mark of an expensive home. He could be right about this, too.

***

Oscar said it would be a very fine thing to live in the midst of such a beautiful golf course. Even though it's a relatively new facility, the course is already recognized as one of the best in the province. The clubhouse is notable for its fine dining and luxurious bar. Oscar says the bar has deep leather armchairs and dark wood panelling.

It wouldn't be hard to imagine Oscar holding regular court in the clubhouse bar if he won the dream home.

***

Little Doug said the dream home lottery ticket sounded like something he would be interested in. In fact, he said he was giving the idea serious consideration. The cost of a ticket is one hundred dollars.

Winter time, according to Little Doug, would be the best time to enjoy the dream home. He said golf courses are an excellent place to drive a snowmobile, especially on long, undulating fairways.

Little Doug didn't use the word undulating, of course. He just moved his hand in an undulating motion to explain what he meant. It's my job to put the words in his mouth when necessary.

The specific location of the dream home was also very appealing to Little Doug. He says the area holds great possibilities for moose hunting. Oscar said he doubted that anyone in the golf course community would be very keen on snowmobiling or moose hunting. In fact, he said he was quite certain that such activity would be frowned upon.

Little Doug seemed skeptical about this, at first. But when Oscar persisted in dousing his dream home ideas, he lost interest in the whole matter. He said it was starting to sound more like a "nightmare home" lottery.

***

Big Doug had his own opinion on the dream home lottery.

Although he's an avid golfer, he was far more interested in seeing Dirk and Dora take ownership of the dream home. He thinks we should pass a hat around to purchase a ticket for them. If it's a winning ticket, they'll be given the dream home in exchange for ownership of Burning Manor.

Not only would the Sack be rid of Dirk and Dora, Big Doug argued, but the "rich folks" would get a dose what others have to deal with every day.

Oscar thought Big Doug's idea was a good one. He said it would be great fun to observe Dirk and Dora in such a foreign habitat.

Hilarity, he pointed out, would surely ensue.

***

Weed says the "fish out of water" motif is a common one in the world of television and movies. He said Dirk and Dora's life in the dream home would be the old town's version of The Beverly Hillbillies.

And if Little Doug lived in the dream home, Weed says the resulting television show would probably be called Elmer Fudd Goes Golfing. He could be right about this.

***

Rental Doug made his second consecutive appearance on the show. Big Doug had just left. We could still see him over on his driveway. He was holding a flashlight while checking the air pressure in his tires.

Big Doug takes tire pressure far more seriously than most people.

Rental Doug had just returned home with his blended family. He spotted the show in progress and trotted across the street. He quickly accepted a friendly offer of drink.

***

Rental Doug said he was familiar with the dream home lottery. While the house sounded appealing to him, he said his focus was on the house that he currently occupies in the Sack. According to Rental Doug, he wants to buy the house from its owner.

Oscar says this is blockbuster news for the Sack. He says it's just the kind of thing one should expect from an extravaganza.

Acquiring permanent residency in the Sack, according to Oscar, could mean that Satan is ready to make a move of some kind in the near future. Weed said it could even be a reaction to the recent appearance of Jeff Christ.

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Unfortunately, the rental company claims that it hasn't heard anything from the minister who owns the house. Rental Doug says he thinks they might just be giving him "the run around." They would be losing business if Rental Doug bought the property.

Of course, if Rental Doug became an owner, he would require a new name. Owner Doug, according to Oscar, just wouldn't cut it. After Rental Doug left the show, Oscar wanted to make a decision on his new name, in the event that he became a Sack homeowner.

Of course, neither Weed, nor your agent, wanted any part of this debate. Weed said he didn't want to waste his naming energies on something that remains purely hypothetical.

I said I couldn't have said it better than Weed.

***

Rental Doug says his ballroom dancing classes are going well. He says he seems to have a natural talent for dancing the tango.

Later, Oscar said it was no surprise that Rental Doug would excel at the tango. He says this is exactly the kind of dance one would expect Satan to enjoy. Oscar says the tango involves "sophisticated movement and sleazy intentions." This is precisely what one should expect, he added, from the Devil or any of his henchmen.

***

Weed was enthralled by Oscar's mention of the word "henchman." He said it's an occupation that one doesn't hear much about anymore. While he has no interest in becoming someone else's henchman, he said it might be very useful to have one's own. He said they would come in particularly handy at the call centre where he toils during the day.

"Supervisors would have to think carefully about my henchmen," he said with a faraway look in his eyes, "before they decided to mess with me."

***

Before the show ended, Oscar, Weed and your agent agreed to buy individual tickets for the dream home. If one of us is fortunate enough to win the home, the others will get a chance, despite our limited abilities, to play on the exclusive golf course for free. This is because the winner will declare the other two as his personal henchmen.

And henchmen, like caddies, gain entry to a golf course for free.

***

That night I slept very soundly. I'm quite sure the harvest moon hadn't arrived yet.

Nevertheless, I dreamed that I had won the dream home.

Mrs. Wonders and I were happily ensconced in the golf course community. I had my own red motorized golf cart that I used to navigate both the golf course and the surrounding community.

Oscar and Weed, of course, were my henchmen. They certainly got the chance to play golf with me from time to time. But in this dream, they were occupied in a more important task on my behalf.

My henchmen were busy raking the leaves around the spacious dream home property.

***