Pleasant Diversions

I decided to start the beginning of each segment of this post with an extra-large capital letter.

There's no predicting how crazy I can get sometimes.

***

The Sack Resident's Society has been shaken from its doldrums.

Under Gordon's august leadership, the Society took form last year. Its main purpose is to defend the Sack from any dastardly intrusions by the outside world. According to Oscar, it's also meant to reshape Sack residents into a reasonable facsimile of Gordon's image.

In the beginning, the Society gathered a fair amount of momentum. Several well-attended meetings were held in quick succession. Gordon even set up an email group for the Society. He said it would help to "facilitate communication" among Sack residents.

Gordon is also planning to introduce a Society website soon. He hopes to have it operating by early next year. Right now, he's taking a course in web design at the old town's community college. Until early December, he goes to class every Wednesday night. When he's finished, he hopes to create the site on his own. In addition to being the Society's chairperson, Gordon says he'll be pleased to act as its "webmaster."

Weed says that a Gordon-designed site will undoubtedly have garish colours and an abundance of flashing icons. He could be right about this.

***

Gordon also developed a logo for the Society's letterhead. It will likely adorn the Sack's new website, as well.

The logo depicts the image of a soaring raptor. Sack residents, including Gordon, remain unaware of the bird's true identity. Unfortunately, he has chosen a turkey vulture for the Sack's logo.

***

Despite its energetic beginnings, the Society has been dormant for a lengthy period. Over the last six months, several meetings have been scheduled and then postponed. Until this week, there wasn't even a proposed date for the next meeting.

The last group email was sent last winter. Gordon had returned from his annual trip to Cuba, only to learn that one of his prized snow shovels was missing. Apparently the shovel has a particular design meant only for professional snow removal personnel. According to Gordon, it was as close to irreplaceable as a snow shovel can be.

So he sent an email asking for the whereabouts of his shovel. I'm told that nobody replied to his missive. Nevertheless, the shovel appeared in the Sack's centre circle within a few days.

Oscar says he can't begin to imagine who might've taken Gordon's shovel.

***

But now, the Society has been shaken from its slumber. Apparently, new development plans have been unveiled for the vacant lot adjacent to the Sack.

The vacant land is currently zoned for commercial activity. The retail possibilities have been a source of conjecture in the Sack for some time. But now the owner of the land has made an application for a change in the zoning designation. The new plan calls for the creation of a small group of townhouses.

The full proposal was mailed to Sack residents last week. The townhouse development is called Serenity Terrace. An artist's rendering of the homes and the layout of the new street was included in the proposal.

It appears that Serenity Terrace will be a small cul-de-sac.

***

According to Gordon, the development application is a fantastic break for the Sack. The absence of any commercial activity means the Sack won't be exposed to the vulgarities of the outside world. That's not exactly how Gordon phrased it, of course. But that's how it sounded to your agent.

A group of stores adjacent to the Sack, in Gordon's eyes, would bring loud, careless people who lacked a "vested interest" in the Sack's welfare. The noise from these creatures, he added, would surely drive us all mad. Invariably, these louts would also pillage the Sack at every opportunity.

On the other hand, Gordon argued, the new residential development will bring people who are concerned about civility. It will also provide a further buffer between the Sack and the local coffee cathedral. The coffee cathedral lies on the opposite side of the vacant land. Although it stands a reasonable distance from the Sack, it still generates its share of noise complaints from Sack residents (mainly Gordon).

So Serenity Terrace will have the benefit of the coffee cathedral noise rather than the Sack. Gordon explained this to me with a crafty, knowing look.

***

Support for the residential proposal seems widespread among Sack residents. In fact, an opposing view on the matter has yet to be heard.

Nevertheless, Gordon says it will be essential for the Sack to show up in large numbers at the public meeting scheduled for early next month. Apparently, there is some opposition to the proposal in the local community. As a result, Gordon says we'll need to develop a coherent communication plan in time for the meeting. At least, that's what his email on the matter said. He wants the Society to hold an emergency gathering for this very purpose.

***

When the Society was formed, Oscar enlisted me to join him as an undercover suburban anarchist. Recently, Weed volunteered to join our ranks. Oscar granted him provisional status. He said Weed would have to serve a period of probation first. Weed reluctantly agreed.

The chief responsibility of a suburban anarchist, according to Oscar, is to oppose anything that Gordon supports. So I was very surprised to hear about Oscar's strong support for the Serenity Terrace proposal.

Oscar, of course, has been a strong proponent of the commercial property that was supposed to be erected. He said his heart was set on seeing a donair shop open within mere steps of the Sack. But something far more important has now caused him to reverse his position and support the residential plan.

The resident's association for Pleasant Street is apparently opposing the creation of Serenity Terrace.

***

Pleasant Street, of course, is not held in very high esteem by some Sack residents. It's an older cul-de-sac that lies several blocks away from the Sack. Recently, it was the site of an unsolved trampoline heist.

Oscar's nemesis, Dan "Danny" McGraw lives on Pleasant Street. Many years ago, Oscar's mother was slighted in some small manner by Dan's mother. Oscar says his disdain for Dan "drifted down by osmosis" from his mother.

Little Doug's boss lives on Pleasant Street, too. Like Oscar and Dan, Little Doug says there is "no love lost" between him and his boss. Unlike Oscar, however, Little Doug says osmosis has nothing to do with the matter. He says his boss created the dislike all by himself.

According to Little Doug, everyone at his work dislikes the Pleasant Street boss. "One of these days," he said with a serious look, "somebody at work is going to take a two-by-four to the guy."

When Little Doug says "two-by-four," it sounds like tuba four.

***

On our show recently, Big Doug admitted to his own low regard for Pleasant Street.

A number of years ago, Big Doug's pickup truck received a tune-up and an oil change at a local garage. Several days later, he noticed that his dipstick was missing. His request for a replacement dipstick apparently fell on deaf ears at the garage.

The mechanic who worked on Big Doug's truck now lives on Pleasant Street. Big Doug says the guy is a "dipstick arsehole."

***

Of course, Gordon has his own axe to grind with Pleasant Street.

Last autumn, his counterpart with Pleasant Street's resident's association hung up the phone on him during a conversation about property taxes. Apparently, Gordon had complained to the old town about the disparity in property taxes between the Sack and Pleasant Street.

The grand poobah of Pleasant Street didn't like this one bit.

***

More recently, even Norma confessed to some Pleasant Street animosity. Last spring, a Pleasant Streeter won the jackpot during Norma's weekly bingo night.

According to Norma, the Pleasant Street woman was just a little too exuberant in celebrating her good fortune. She said the woman started to dance and made a stirring motion with her hands. Apparently, she concluded the impromptu jig with a few pelvic thrusts.

Bingo veterans, according to Norma, were appalled.

***

So battle lines are being drawn between the Sack and Pleasant Street. At stake will be the fate of Serenity Terrace.

Weed says this conflict is actually a very good thing. Winter is quickly approaching. Suburban boredom, as Weed described it, will soon be at its peak. He says the battle for Serenity Terrace is exactly what we need to keep us occupied through the colder months.

He could be right about this.

***