Fortune Telling

Yesterday, my MP3 player ended up in the washing machine. Later, it went through a complete cycle in the dryer.

The MP3 player is now very clean. It's also inoperable.

Given a choice between having gum in one's hair or laundering one's MP3 player, I would recommend the following: Go for the gum.

***

It was just after three o'clock in the morning on a Saturday. The Sack was immersed in its typical overnight state of suspended animation.

Suddenly, a white, stretch limousine cruised into view.

***

The limousine had tinted windows. For just a moment, one could imagine that a gaggle of Hollywood celebrities lurked within.

The vehicle slowly moved around the Sack's centre circle. The dull throbbing of its stereo reverberated around the neighbourhood.

The limousine stopped in front of Burning Manor.

***

The first person to emerge from the vehicle was a slight-looking woman. She was quickly followed by Dora, the queen of Burning Manor. Unsteady would best describe her manner as she made her exit from the limousine.

Next came a tall man wearing a short black coat, blue jeans and a pair of cowboy boots. Holding his hand was a young woman with blonde hair.

Very quickly, three separate tableaus materialized in front of Burning Manor. The first, and most compelling, involved the tall man and his companion. As soon as they stepped onto the curb, they embraced and began to kiss with great passion. Neither appeared the least bit self-conscious about the matter.

The next day, Weed said it was one of the best displays of "tonsil hockey" he had ever witnessed. Oscar said he was almost certain he could see the man's tongue emerge from the young woman's ear. I agreed with the former observation, but remain doubtful about the latter.

***

The second scene involved the slim woman who left the limousine first. As she stood on Burning Manor's lawn, a second, unseen man began to call out to her from the back of the vehicle. His voice was thick with drink. Nevertheless, it was clear that he wanted her to join him for some of the same affection his friend was receiving.

The slim woman, of course, had no interest in playing tonsil hockey with the inebriated character inside the vehicle. His inability to get out of the limousine or engage in any competent dialogue were probably factors in her decision. The fact that the guy was, as Big Doug said the next day, "a professional arsehole" could've swayed her, as well.

Nevertheless, he continued to make garbled pleas for her company. The slim woman repeatedly declined his invitations with a firm, yet slightly bored tone. Each time she used a different turn of phrase. These responses included:

"Not in your dreams."

"There's not a chance in hell."

"You've got to be joking."

"Not in this lifetime."

The last one, of course, was my personal favourite. She said: "No way, Jose."

***

Meanwhile, the first couple continued to swap saliva with great gusto.

***

Dora was the main focus of the third tableau.

She stood on her lawn facing the limousine. To her left was the amorous couple. To her right was the slim woman pursued by the unseen drunkard.

It could be that Dora was feeling left out. Or perhaps she had suffered some kind of slight earlier in the evening. Either way, she started looking for a fight.

Oscar suspects that a night out can't end for Dora without some kind of conflict. He could be right about this.

***

Her first target was the unseen drunkard in the limousine. Dora started to curse him out with great vigour. Weed said he was hoping to hear her call someone "a frickin' dick dog" again.

Dora called the man a number of degrading names. Sadly, "frickin' dick dog" was not among them.

***

Surprisingly, the man in the back of the limousine ignored Dora completely. Her gravelly snarl is usually very difficult to ignore. But the man proved himself to be a very single-minded fellow. He just continued to plead his case for some loving from the slim, disinterested woman who stood on Dora's right.

Dora seemed confused, at first, by her failure to have any impact on the man in the limousine. Even the slim woman didn't seem particularly moved by her interjections. Moved to silence, Dora looked around as if seeking some new focus for her rage.

That's when the tongue-wrestling duo on Dora's left came into view.

***

Dora started calling out to the blonde woman nestled in the tall man's arms. Apparently, her name was Crystal.

As with all of her nocturnal shenanigans, Dora used her bold daytime voice. Nevertheless, Crystal didn't respond to Dora's calls. The kissing continued unabated.

Undeterred, Dora began to warn Crystal about the tall man in the cowboy boots. She said he had very ignoble intentions. His interest in her, she suggested, had a singular focus.

Those weren't Dora's exact words, of course. I'm merely summarizing her overall argument against the man.

***

Unlike his friend, the tall guy did react to Dora's words.

He stopped kissing and, without relinquishing Crystal from his loving embrace, glared at Dora. His hands were still entwined around Crystal's bottom.

One could hear the drink hanging off the tall man's words. "You don't know what you're talking about, baby," he said with force. "You just don't know what you're talking about."

Inspired by his reaction, Dora continued to warn Crystal about the man's many weaknesses. "Just because he rents a limo, it doesn't mean he ain't a loser," she growled to her friend.

***

The tall man grew more indignant.

"This beautiful young lady saved my life tonight," he said passionately. "I was heading into a black hole until I laid eyes on her tonight."

He relinquished his hold on Crystal momentarily and spread his arms apart. He looked into the night sky and said it again:

"This beautiful lady saved my life tonight."

Dora snorted with derision and said, "You're just a frickin' dick dog."

If you looked over at the darkened front window of Little Doug's place and listened very carefully, you might've heard Weed murmur, "Yesss. . . "

***

But the tall man would not be silenced.

He stood to the side of the blonde woman who had somehow saved his life. He put one arm around her shoulder and the other in the air.

"I don't care if the whole world knows it," he said defiantly. Then in a loud, clear voice, he said:

"I LOVE YOU, CRYSTAL. . . " He stopped suddenly, looked down at her and asked, "What's your last name again, honey?" She said something inaudible and he started again:

"I LOVE YOU, CRYSTAL HALL."

***

Dora continued to lob insults at the tall man. But she didn't receive any further reaction from him.

Crystal Hall seemed very moved by his public declaration of love. She reinitiated their vigorous game of tonsil hockey. Now she had his bum cupped in her hands. Obviously, the tall man didn't feel the need to add anything to what he had already said.

Eventually, Dora seemed to tire of ranting. The absence of any further reaction from the man seemed to take the air out of her. She walked up the driveway and opened the door to Burning Manor.

The big, barking and bored dog, of course, went flying past her and into the street. It seemed to be overjoyed by its good fortune. It began to bark with great enthusiasm.

***

If Sack residents weren't already awake, the big, barking and bored dog made sure they were now. It was now about a quarter past three in the morning.

Dora stormed back into the street to retrieve the dog. Now she seemed to be more sure of herself. She has lots of experience with shouting and staggering around the Sack looking for the big canine. She was back on familiar territory.

As Dora wandered about trying to corral the dog, the kissing couple continued to do what kissing couples do best. Meanwhile, the inebriated man in the back of the limousine continued his quest for an affectionate end to his evening. Thankfully, he was beginning to run out of steam. His pleas had been reduced to an occasional, "Pretty please, darlin'?" The slim woman had stopped responding. She was talking to someone on her cell phone.

That's when the peelers drove into the Sack.

***

The peelers made quick work of the affair.

One of them seemed to know Dora by name. This was hardly surprising. He actually helped her to capture the big, barking and bored dog and deposit it back inside Burning Manor.

The other officer encouraged the tall man to return to the limousine so it could make its departure from the Sack. The tall man was happy to co-operate, but first found it necessary to explain to the peeler how Crystal Hall had saved his life. The officer offered a brief congratulations to the happy couple and then escorted him to the door of the limousine. The drunk guy inside the vehicle had grown very quiet.

Meanwhile, Dora, Crystal Hall and their slim friend stood on the porch of Burning Manor. The tall man called out to his newfound love and repeated his intention to call her later in the day. As the peeler gently encouraged him into the limousine, he yelled out one more time:

"I LOVE YOU, CRYSTAL HALL!"

***

The limousine finally drove away. It was soon followed by the peelers. Dora and her pals finally retired to Burning Manor. Sack residents tried to go back to sleep after another performance on the Burning Manor side stage.

The next day, Oscar offered his analysis of the early morning shenanigans. The two men, he theorized, had returned in triumph from working on the Alberta oil sands. A growing number of people from the eastern provinces have left to seek their fortunes there. Flush with cash, they hired a limousine for a night on the town. Somehow, they had encountered Dora and her crew at a local tavern.

Weed, of course, spoke triumphantly about Dora's use of the phrase, "frickin' dick dog." Hearing it, according to Weed, has become a bit of a good luck charm for him. For some inexplicable reason, he said it never fails to put him in a good mood.

Oscar, on the other hand, was most enthused about Crystal Hall. He swore that other residents had misheard her last name. He said her name was actually "Ball." Everyone, of course, remains very doubtful about this.

Nevertheless, Ben informed us that Crystal "Ball" has recently taken up residence at Burning Manor along with Dirk and Dora. Oscar says this is a very good omen. As far as early morning shenanigans are concerned, he says the future "looks very bright."

Unfortunately, he could be right about this.

***

This Just In

A rhetorical question doesn't demand an answer. Nevertheless, proper grammar still requires the use of a question mark. This seems like a terrible waste of punctuation.

Some day, we could find ourselves with too many questions and not enough question marks to go around. What are we going to do then?

Anyway, that's my position on rhetorical questions.

***

Sack news can accumulate very quickly. It's a difficult task to stay on top of it all. One can only do one's best.

As each bit of news is generated, it must be assessed for significance and urgency. By these measures, most items are placed in chronological order. This is the "first-come, first-served" pile of Sack news. We try to chip away at this pile as time permits.

***

Every now and then, of course, a piece of Sack news gets moved directly to the on-deck circle. These late-breaking stories are notable enough to require our immediate attention.

Sometimes, the news item has a blockbuster quality to it. The day Burning Manor was set on fire would be a good example of this. So would news that young Doo had acquired his new bus-driving step dad, Sticky.

Oscar says the time we saw Elizabeth's underpants would also qualify as a blockbuster news event. I remain doubtful about this.

***

On other occasions, a piece of Sack news is too quirky to put aside. The discovery of a mysterious driveway muffin or the existence of a hat tree in the Sack's centre circle would be a prime example of such news. These items also deserve our immediate attention.

Thankfully, urgent Sack news items, whether blockbuster or quirky in nature, are relatively infrequent. Oscar says this is because suburban life tends toward the mundane. He could be right about this.

So it's rare, therefore, that we would find ourselves with three pieces of distinct Sack news requiring immediate reportage.

***

News Item #1: ARE YOU READY FOR DOO TWO?

This first bit of news concerns the Sack's population. If all goes well, it will grow by one before the end of next May.

The Sack's baby populace grew substantially this year with contributions from Daisy and Britney Bitterman. Now it appears that a third infant will be welcomed into the Sack's bosom.

Doo's mom is going to have a baby.

***

Norma, the Sack's bingo hall correspondent, reported this news to Oscar yesterday. She obtained the news directly from the primary source, Doo's mom. Apparently, Doo's mom is an infrequent visitor to Tuesday night bingo. Norma says this is because Sticky is often busy with a bus driving shift on Tuesday nights.

Doo's mom is also known by the moniker, Foxy Lady. This has everything to do with her ownership of a particular sweatshirt with this inscription, rather than any resemblance to a type of vulpes.

According to Norma, Doo's mom and Sticky are thrilled about this new addition to their family. Other than some reassurance that he would not have to share his bedroom with anyone, his mom says that Doo is also okay with this development. At press time, a comment from Doo was unavailable.

Oscar is planning to hold an interview with the youngster tomorrow, if he happens to see him playing street hockey near the Sack's centre circle.

***

News Item #2: ELIZABETH TO JOIN THE SACK'S DAYTIME CREW

Elizabeth works on the administrative side of a psychiatric unit in the old town's general hospital. At least, that's what she was doing until last Wednesday.

According to Florence, the Wonders' next door neighbour, Elizabeth is now officially on stress leave. Apparently, she has been having a devil of a time with her male supervisor.

Her supervisor, according to Elizabeth, is a "nasty piece of work." Apparently, she has been coping with his shenanigans for some time. On Tuesday, an incident occurred that was "the straw that broke the camel's back." She saw her doctor on Wednesday and was placed on sick leave until the new year.

Florence says Elizabeth refers to her boss as her stupidvisor.

***

Elizabeth is not the first Sack person to take stress leave. At least two others have done so in the past few years. Oscar says stress leave has become rather ubiquitous in the working lives of suburban folks. He could be right about this.

Little Doug was very keen to find out more about Elizabeth's circumstances. He has been having troubles with his own supervisor for some time. His supervisor is a resident of Pleasant Street, the Sack's suburban nemesis. Little Doug seemed almost surprised to learn that Elizabeth's stupidvisor doesn't live there as well.

On the other hand, he was thrilled to learn the word stupidvisor.

***

News Item #3: SERENITY TERRACE, HERE WE COME

Gordon, the grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society, is walking a bit taller these days.

Last week was the long-awaited meeting of the old town's regional council. On the agenda was the matter of Serenity Terrace, a new, but smaller cul-de-sac planned for the vacant lot beside the Sack.

The land was already zoned for commercial use only, so a change in designation had to be addressed by the council. The council voted unanimously in favour of the application to change it to a residential designation.

During the meeting, the only opposing voice on the matter was from the leader of Pleasant Street's resident's association. Apparently, Pleasant Street residents were quite keen on the idea of being able to walk to a nearby variety store.

The leader of the Pleasant Street mob is a man named Dick. Oscar says this is a very apt name for someone who hails from Pleasant Street. Oddly, this is also the name of Little Doug's stupidvisor. It has been confirmed that the two men are not one and the same. This means there are at least two Dicks living on Pleasant Street.

Weed says he wouldn't be surprised if there were even more Dicks on Pleasant Street. The parallels between it and the Sack seem to grow every day. It would be completely understandable, according to Weed, if there as many Dicks on Pleasant Street as there are Dougs in the Sack.

If Weed's theory is true, Little Doug says his stupidvisor is probably known around Pleasant Street as Big Dick.

***

The old town's regional council approved of the zoning change unanimously, according to Ben. Gordon, Ben and Big Doug were the only Sack residents in attendance at the meeting. Oscar said he wanted to go, but the meeting date fell on the same night he was planning to wash his hair.

Gordon, of course, was bursting with pleasure when the vote was completed. He spoke briefly at the meeting about the Sack's support for the motion. In his mind, his stirring oration was the deciding factor in the council's decision. Ben said it seemed quite clear that the decision was a forgone conclusion. Apparently, the old town's city councillors paid as little attention to Gordon as they did to Pleasant Street Dick.

Nevertheless, Gordon remains chuffed by the victory. He even mentioned to Oscar this week that he's giving some thought to running for city council during the next municipal election.

The only thing one can say about this is the following:

What, in the name of God, is the world coming to?

***

Theatre in the Round

Sometimes people tell me things and then say, "Do you know what I mean?"

I always make a point of saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean." I'll say this even when I haven't got the foggiest idea what the person's talking about.

I'm a crazy cat, man.

***

There is much to be said about life in an urban environment. In the old town's urban core, for example, one can easily walk to an assortment of entertainment, recreation or commercial activities.

The suburbs, of course, are a whole different matter. As my friends in the New Urbanism movement are quick to mention, the suburbs have been built with the automobile primarily in mind. Shopping malls and other commercial activities are often sequestered in their own unique areas. People have little choice but use cars or public transit to shop or engage in any significant cultural activities.

The Sack is typical of most suburban streets. Aside from the local coffee cathedral, there aren't any commercial establishments within walking distance. Nevertheless, the Sack does have one very unique characteristic.

We have our own live theatre.

***

Of course, the Sack's version of live theatre has little in common with the offerings of Broadway or London's West End.

Performances, for example, are never scheduled. Instead, they're random and spontaneous. Weeks can pass without a single performance. But then new shows can also appear on consecutive days.

In other words, you just never know when a Sack theatre production will occur.

In addition, almost every performance takes place in the wee hours of the morning. This is another unique aspect of the Sack's theatre. You don't actually plan to attend a show. You just get awakened by one.

***

The vicinity of the Sack's centre circle is considered the theatre's main stage. The area in front of Burning Manor would certainly qualify as the secondary one. Some of the best performances have taken place there.

Most Sack homes have a second-floor master bedroom overlooking the street. This is where theatre seating is typically located. Residents who sleep directly under their windows can enjoy a show yet remain in the comfort of their beds. Others are less fortunate. They're forced to get right out of bed for a good view of the show.

Oscar says it can be uncomfortable to watch a show from his bed. He says his window is just a little bit too far above the mattress. If he watches a show while lying on his stomach, his back and neck will be sore the next day. He says he wants to buy a bed that will leave him six inches below the window ledge. This distance, according to Little Doug's calculations, would permit the most comfortable viewing angle.

Oscar's wife thinks he's taking cul-de-sac living just a little too seriously. She could be right about this.

***

Computer Doug says he likes to put a pillow on his window sill, so he can rest his chin comfortably as a play unfolds. Oscar has made a mental note to do the same when the next theatre production occurs. He asked if I would remind him about this, just to be on the safe side.

I told him I would be pleased to do so.

***

Most of the main stage shows can be described as comedic dramas. Sadly, most involve couples whose relationships are in the midst of disintegration. In some cases, the relationship has already ended, but a final airing of dirty laundry has been demanded.

During these conflicts, couples somehow find themselves in the Sack in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes this is the result of a low-speed car chase. At least one person is in search of a verbal confrontation. Inevitably, the chase ends in the cul of the Sack's sac.

The driver of the lead car has usually entered the Sack by mistake. This is a common thing for people to do, especially in the dark. Usually, the lead driver meant to turn at the street after the Sack. In some cases, the two parties have found themselves in the Sack after leaving the local coffee cathedral. The Sack is the first place one can turn into after leaving there.

Upon discovering the proverbial end of the road, the lead car usually stops in the Sack's centre circle. The aggrieved party makes a move and blocks the other from leaving. For residents, this is when the play usually begins. After the first loud voices, the shadowy heads of drowsy Sack people gradually appear in their darkened bedroom windows.

***

There have been several live theatre productions in the Sack during the last few months. One show took place on the Burning Manor side stage. There was a limousine involved. We'll save that tale for another day.

The other show was quite typical for a main stage production. It began at about one o'clock on a Saturday morning. Everyone in the Sack appeared to be home at the time. Most had only recently retired for the evening. Both factors resulted in maximum attendance for this show.

***

On this particular Saturday morning, a thick fog had descended on the Sack. It was like a grey curtain around the houses. The conditions were perfect for a play.

The lead car came to a slow stop in front of Big Doug's house. The second car pulled in behind it. Two women were in the first car. The second car contained a guy who seemed to be in his early thirties. He wore a pair of white sneakers, blue jeans and a dark-blue windbreaker. He was also wearing a red baseball cap. The back of his windbreaker was imprinted with a Mr. Goodwrench logo.

We quickly learned that the man in the second car was named Archie. The female passenger in the first car was his recently-estranged girlfriend, Grace. The driver of the car was a friend of Grace's.

***

Sack residents would probably agree on the following synopsis of the recent events in Archie's relationship with Grace:

Recently, Grace had ended their relationship. It seems like the two were living together, but it just wasn't working for Grace. When she broke up with him, she swore, at Archie's request, that she wasn't involved with anyone else.

Unfortunately, after Grace moved out, Archie found some emails on his computer suggesting that she had been cultivating an online relationship. Instead of confronting Grace about this, he decided to follow her. That's how he found Grace and her friend at the local coffee cathedral. Apparently, they were meeting with a pair of brothers they had met online. Archie believed that one of the brothers was the same person identified in the emails. Grace hotly denied the charge.

***

And so, the play began: When Archie approached Grace's side of the car, she refused to roll down the window. Eventually, her friend rolled down her window and they conversed through the driver's window.

The first part of their conversation was inaudible. Quickly, however, Archie's voice grew louder and angrier. He started ranting about the character of his former love.

Oscar said he has never heard so many different slang terms for the word promiscuous before.

***

Grace's unnamed friend didn't appreciate Archie's tirade. She seemed to take far more offence from it than Grace. She interrupted and then admonished him with a firm, but threatening tone. At one point, she actually said to him, "And you better watch your step, buster."

Her sharp rebuke seemed to distract Archie. For a brief moment, there was an unexpected silence.

Suddenly, Archie launched into, as Weed called it later, "a complete one-eighty." He erupted with a lengthy and effusive description of his unbounded love for Grace. He said he wanted to grow old with her and hang out with their future grandchildren.

Finally, he said to her, "Baby, you know we can work things out, don't ya?"

Some silence passed and then Archie said, "Baby, you know we can, right?"

"Baby, we can, right?"

"Right, baby?"

"Baby. . . . ?"

***

It was, as Oscar described it, the moment where Archie's remaining illusions about his relationship with Grace were shattered. Weed called it the moment where the dude's "bubble got burst bad." Grace wasn't coming back to him, even if he "forgave" her for cheating on him.

Within seconds, Archie's heart turned cold and the very thought of reunion with Grace became abhorrent to him. He quickly launched into a renewed attack on her moral fibre. He openly questioned her suitability for membership in the human race. And once again, he flaunted his knowledge of synonyms for the word promiscuous.

"That dude," said Weed the next day, "was a walking thesaurus."

***

This time, it was Grace who interrupted Archie's rant.

It was hard to hear her exact words, but it was clearly a rebuttal of Archie's assessment of her. The more she spoke, the louder her voice became. Soon her words were loud and clear.

"You're an effin' moron, Archie. An effin' moron."

Then she spelled it for him. "You're an effin' M-O-R-O-N, Archie. That's what you are, an effin' moron."

***

There was another momentary silence.

Archie seemed like he had the wind knocked out of him. He was still leaning against the driver's window, but now his head was hung low. As Weed said later, "First, the guy had his bubble burst, then he got kicked in the nuts."

Almost an entire minute passed without a sound. The stage was a scene frozen in time. Oscar said this was the show's defining moment.

He could be right about this.

***

Finally, Archie raised his head and looked in the vehicle toward Grace again. Then he launched into a renewed pledge of his love for her. He said he wanted to be her soul mate, again.

If you listened very carefully, at this point, you might have heard some stifled laughter escaping from a few Sack homes.

***

Grace, however, had heard enough from Archie. Her friend eased the car from the curb and then drove away. Archie backed away from the car and watched as it disappeared from the Sack. He held his hands on his head as he did this.

He stayed in this position for a time, even after the car was gone. Then he sat in his car for a few more minutes. Finally, Archie drove slowly away.

The show was now over. Heads slowly disappeared from Sack windows. Curtains were pulled back into place and then everyone went back to sleep.

***

The reviews hit the street on the following day. Everyone raved about the performances by both Archie and Grace. Even the driver's work in a supporting role was acknowledged.

Among the seven opinions offered, four sided with Archie. They believed that Grace had, as Oscar described it, "done him wrong."

Little Doug was one of the people who backed Archie. Oscar suspects that Little Doug was swayed by Archie's Mr. Goodwrench windbreaker. The fact that his ex-wife ran off with someone she met online, might have been a factor, too.

Two people thought Grace was the legitimate injured party. Florence, the Wonders' next-door neighbour was one of the two. She thought Archie was "a real tit."

***

The remaining opinion sided with neither Archie nor Grace.

Gordon said both of them were "inconsiderate" and "immature." He said some people have no regard for the needs of others. This is, he explained, supposed to be a quiet, suburban neighbourhood. "If I want to listen to stuff like that," he said forcefully, "I'll watch TV. You know what I mean?"

"Yes," I said to Gordon, "I know exactly what you mean."

***

Remind Me

Whenever someone asks me to remind them about something later, I always nod my head in agreement. I say I'll do it, but I won't. With full intention, I refrain from mentioning the matter at all.

I can be a real bastard sometimes.

***

An ambulance and a limousine. Remind me to tell you more about these two vehicles.

Within the last month, both have made visits to Burning Manor. Dora, not surprisingly, was a passenger in each vehicle. Dirk was away working on the oil rig during both incidents.

Burning Manor continues to be the Sack's primary source for local entertainment.

***

I should also make a point of telling you about the recent emergency meeting of the Sack Resident's Society. Make sure you remind me to tell you about it.

The meeting was held to develop a "communication strategy" for the upcoming public meeting about Serenity Terrace. This is the new cul-de-sac slated to be erected between the Sack and the local coffee cathedral. The land is currently zoned for commercial use only, so approval must be granted by the old town's civic government.

Sack people are madly in favour of the new cul-de-sac. But the residents of nearby Pleasant Street had their hearts set on a commercial development. Apparently, they like the idea of having a local corner store within walking distance of their homes. The two competing voices are expected to clash during the upcoming public meeting.

Oscar says Gordon is steeling himself for a major victory over the upstarts from Pleasant Street. "If everything goes well," he said with a serious look, "this could turn out to be Gordon's finest hour."

I remain doubtful about this.

***

Meanwhile, Little Doug is fuming about his wet cell phone. Remind me to tell you more about this.

Little Doug and his cell phone were soaked during the recent Rolling Stones concert held in the old town. A more rainy and blustery day could not have been imagined. Remind me to tell you more about that, too.

***

Deliberations on the Doug of the Year award will soon be necessary. It seemed like only yesterday that we gave last year's honour to Rental Doug.

Oscar said he was glad that I brought the matter up. If I hadn't, he said he probably wouldn't have remembered. But now that he's been reminded about it, he said he would be sure to bring it up again.

I said I certainly wasn't trying to remind him about anything. I just brought it up as way of making conversation.

***

It has been some time since we spoke of Maxwell, Britney Bitterman and, of course, Baby Maybe. Remind me to give you a full update on their trials and tribulations.

In particular, though, remind me to tell you more about Maxwell's latest exploits. He still hasn't been able to get his business, Cutlass Supreme Painting, off the ground. But he has managed to make one significant achievement.

He has regained his visiting privileges at the Bitterman homestead.

***

Maxwell, of course, was banished from the home and hearts of Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman. This was mostly due to his continued failure to maintain gainful employment.

Since his exile began, Maxwell has remained, for the most part, comfortably idle. Even Baby Maybe's arrival hasn't moved him toward any substantial economic activity. Nevertheless, it seems that some form of a truce has been established with Britney's parents.

So Maxwell is officially back in the Sack. Remind me to tell you more about this.

***

Last week, I encountered Weed at the local coffee cathedral. He told me about his fantastic idea for a movie. The premise appears to be as follows:

A guy goes to a matinee movie on a cold February afternoon. The streets are snow covered and people are bundled up as they shuffle about in the frigid temperatures.

When the movie ends, the guy emerges from the theatre and discovers that it's now very warm and sunny. But no one, even his fellow moviegoers, seem surprised by this turn of events. In fact, everyone, aside from the protagonist, is wearing appropriate summer clothing. The guy soon learns that he has travelled back in time to the previous August.

Great hilarity ensues as the guy gets a "do over" on the previous six months. But the best part of the story (according to Weed) occurs at the end. When February comes around again, the guy goes to the same movie and on precisely the same date and time. He goes to the exact same seat and discovers his favourite toque and a treasured pair of expensive winter gloves. Apparently, he had left both items behind when he was there the first time.

Weed says he has at least two more great movie ideas in his brain right now. He said I must remind him to tell me more when we meet next.

Nothing, I told him, would please me more than hearing more about his movie ideas. I said I would certainly raise the matter immediately when our paths crossed again.

***

Hallowed Weenies

The Sack's Halloween may now be discussed in the past tense.

***

Once again, Rental Doug was the first Sack resident to decorate his home for Halloween. But this time, his decorating efforts exceeded those of other Sack residents by a vast margin. In other words, he really put some effort into it.

His front lawn looked like a creepy cemetery. Fake headstones were placed haphazardly on the grass. A stuffed, headless man sat on a chair on the front porch. In the man's lap was a smiling human skull.

The porch steps were lined on both sides by pumpkins. At night, the entire scene was illuminated by an orange floodlight. And on Halloween night, a steady stream of frightened and tormented wailing blared from a set of speakers on the front porch.

Rental Doug's continued enthusiasm for Halloween has reinforced Oscar's theory about his alignment with Satan. He says Rental Doug's effort was "proof positive" of the man's evil lineage.

***

Doo went out for Halloween dressed as Spiderman.

Several months ago, he received a very realistic Spiderman outfit from his relatively new stepdad, Sticky. The suit is made from a foamy material similar to what's used in a diver's dry suit.

To say that Doo is fond of Spiderman would be an understatement. While the outfit was purchased only with Halloween in mind, it soon became evident that Doo regarded it as a regular part of his wardrobe. Over the last few months, one has seen far more of Spiderman in the Sack than a certain seven-year-old.

***

On Halloween night, no fewer than five trick-or-treaters in Spiderman garb visited the Wonders' door. Batman and Superman, according to Oscar, could only dream of such adulation.

Nevertheless, it was easy to pick out Doo in the crowd of webcrawlers. His suit was the only one with a gaping hole in the left knee.

Last month, Doo took a spill while riding his bike around the Sack. Clad in his Spiderman outfit, he had difficulty seeing the curb as he sped down the street. Within minutes, he received a close-up view of the pavement.

Computer Doug was standing on his driveway at the time and witnessed the mishap. Apparently, Doo hit the curb with his front wheel and sailed over the handlebars. He landed on the sidewalk in front of Gordon's house. According to Computer Doug, Doo seemed relatively unaffected by the spill, at first. Then he noticed the hole in his treasured Spiderman outfit. Within seconds, young Doo was wailing with humiliation and fury.

Computer Doug says Doo's outburst ranked somewhere between a Britney Bitterman meltdown and a Dora explosion.

***

Young Tremayne, the Sack's six-year-old chocolate bar vendor, presented himself on the Wonders' door on Halloween night dressed as a pirate.

His outfit included a single large hoop earring, a black do-rag and an eyepatch. A plastic sword was tucked into his waistband. With the exception of the eyepatch and sword, Tremayne's pirate outfit was strangely similar to his normal civilian "li'l gangsta" look.

***

Oddly, the Sack's cowboy kids did not appear on Halloween night dressed in their western garb. Instead, they were dressed in identical hobo outfits.

When asked about their cowboy costumes, one of the boys rolled his eyes and sniffed, "Those aren't for trick-or-treatin'."

***

The best costume among Sack kids belonged to Baby Doug. Daisy walked door-to-door with the infant Doug in her arms. The little tyke was dressed as a carrot.

Daisy said she found the outfit at a second-hand store. At first, she thought it might not be a good idea to dress the child as a vegetable. But she remembered seeing a kid in a cow costume and figured it would be okay.

Besides, she told me at the Wonders' door as she shifted Baby Doug the carrot in her arms, "What's so bad about a carrot?"

"Nothing," I replied. "Anyone would be hard-pressed to come up with a more outstanding vegetable than the carrot. I mean, really, who could top the carrot?"

"Exactly," Daisy answered. Then she said, "Well, celery is pretty good, too."

"That's true. You can't say anything bad about celery, either, " I replied.

"No," Daisy said. "But they didn't have any celery costumes at the second-hand store."

"Did they have any other baby costumes, besides the carrot?" I asked.

"Nope," she answered, "it was carrot or nothing."

***

The final word on Halloween belongs to Jeff Christ.

After listening to Oscar's ramblings about Rental Doug, Weed decided to seek Jeff's opinion on the subject of Halloween. His response moved Weed to claim it as "proof positive" of Jeff's lofty connections to God Almighty.

According to Weed, Jeff Christ said he was "not a big fan" of such festivities. He said his co-workers at Canadian Tire were being encouraged to dress up for their shifts on Halloween evening. Jeff, however, said he wanted nothing to do with it.

Halloween, he argued, was becoming far too commercial. It was driven by the marketplace and encouraged children to eat unhealthy food. As bad as this was, however, he didn't think it was anywhere as bad as the commercialization of Christmas.

"Don't even bother," he told Weed, "to get me going on that one."

***