Conspiracy Theory

Computer Doug was observed walking to his car clad in an obviously new and luxurious leather coat. Apparently, it was a gift from his wife, Marion. She did not, according to Computer Doug, buy it from eBay.

Weed looked pensive when told about Computer Doug's leather coat. Moments later, he recited what he called his "first annual post-Christmas poem:"

Everybody wants a leather coat.

Some get 'em.

Some don't.

Oscar says we should be grateful that Weed's attempts at poetry will only occur once a year. He could be right about this.

***

The 2006 Doug of the Year (DOTY) award can now be mentioned in the past tense. After furious debate at Oscar's annual Boxing Day brunch, it was awarded to Little Doug. He becomes the first three-time winner of the award.

The decision was not without controversy. In fact, Sack conspiracy theorists are working overtime in their analysis of the matter.

Predictably, Weed argued on behalf of his son, Baby Doug. Your agent backed Big Doug for his consistently rigid display of discipline and order. Oscar, of course, lobbied for Little Doug. He argued that Little Doug was the most "unintentionally comical" of the Sack's Dougs during the year.

Furious debate on the matter ensued.

***

In the end, Weed was convinced to throw his support behind his de facto father-in-law, Little Doug. Given Oscar's position on babies (they have nothing interesting to say), Weed conceded that Baby Doug's chances for the DOTY award were negligible.

This, of course, was his explanation of the matter. Sack observers, however, believe that Weed was swayed by a helping of moose meat pie.

Coincidentally, the moose meat pie was provided by Little Doug.

***

Little Doug did not go hunting this season. Usually, he goes hunting for deer or moose every year. But this year, he decided to take an extended fishing trip instead. As a result, he didn't have any deer or moose meat available.

Fortunately, Ben went hunting with some friends and garnered a share of moose meat. He gave Little Doug some of it, in exchange for some fish.

The Sack is a beehive of bartering activity.

***

Little Doug gave Oscar the moose meat pie on Christmas Eve. For the second year in a row, Little Doug was serving turducken for Christmas dinner. He said there was no room on the menu for moose meat pie.

Weed, of course, is a nut for moose meat pie. Stuck with turducken on Christmas Day, he was elated to learn that Oscar was serving the pie on Boxing Day. Little Doug, he explained, won't be serving any at their house until New Year's Day.

Sack vegetarians, of course, remain appalled by the whole matter.

***

Oscar's support for Little Doug was suspicious. Privately, he had spoken highly of Big Doug as the potential winner. But something seemed to change after his Christmas Eve visit to Little Doug's house.

It was only after the DOTY award decision had been reached that a piece of curious information was revealed. It was Weed who innocently let the cat out the bag. Apparently, Little Doug has agreed to do some interior renovations at Oscar's house in January. It will involve the movement of a wall and the installation of some crown moulding.

The renovation work was obviously enough to sway Oscar's vote. The moose meat pie was clearly aimed at making Weed look favourably on Little Doug. Not even the Golden Globe awards are this transparent when it comes to selection shenanigans.

***

Oscar, of course, bristled at any suggestion that his choice for the DOTY award was swayed by Little Doug's agreement to complete renovations on his home.

And Weed shrugged innocently when asked about the influence of moose meat pie on his support for Little Doug. He said he could understand the "optics" in the matter, but reassured me of his great integrity.

"People who know me well," he said with confidence, "know I don't flip for food."

***

So there you have it. Little Doug has won his third DOTY award in seven years.

Some may say that he was quite deserving of the honour. After all, doing battle with diabetes, losing his upper dental plate and creating outdoor art with his lawn mower has to be worth something.

Still, the decision is surrounded by an odour of moose meat pie and broken drywall. We may never know for certain whether the respectable sheen of the DOTY award has been truly tarnished. Nevertheless, the odour remains.

***

This morning, Little Doug returned to the Sack accompanied by his elderly mother, Ethel. They were coming back from a post-Christmas shopping expedition. Ethel has been staying at the Little Doug household since Christmas Eve. She'll be staying there until New Year's Day.

Oscar and I were chatting at the foot of his driveway. He was in the middle of his defense of the DOTY award selection process. When Little Doug emerged from his car, our discussion ended abruptly and we fought hard to contain our laughter. Little Doug was wearing an enormous, ill-fitting toque on his head.

The toque was red and green and made from very thick wool. There was some kind of indiscernible pattern on the sides. Oscar said it was the most perplexing piece of winter apparel he had ever laid eyes upon. The best word he could find to describe it was "clownish."

***

After helping Ethel into the house, Little Doug joined us at the curb. He was still wearing his clownish toque.

"What, in the name of God," Oscar asked, "is that thing on your head."

Little Doug chuckled and readjusted the monstrosity on his head. It was clearly too big for anyone but a man with a pumpkin-sized skull. The pattern on the side seemed to suggest an animal of some kind. Little Doug said it was supposed to be a moose, but a small three-legged dog seemed more likely.

According to Little Doug, the toque was a gift from his mother. He referred to it as his "Christmas hat."

Apparently, Ethel used to be a top-flight knitter "back in the day." Now, arthritis, poor eyesight and a touch of dementia have dulled the edges of her knitting skills. Little Doug said he accepted the gift with grace and planned to wear it for the balance of her visit.

"That's very nice of you to do that," Oscar said solemnly. Then he added, "But you still look like Bozo the Clown."

***

Little Doug was aware of his new status as the DOTY award recipient. He was very humble about the honour, although he lamented the absence of a cash prize. Only Big Doug and Rental Doug remain unaware of their past victories. Big Doug likely wouldn't see the humour in it and we don't know Rental Doug well enough to let him in on the matter.

As we continued to talk at the foot of Oscar's driveway, the front door of Little Doug's house opened and his mother's head appeared around the door.

"Douglas, darling," she called out with a frail voice, "I think we left a bag in the back seat of the car. Could you check for it, love?"

Little Doug waved obediently and said he would catch up with us later. We watched as he shuffled off toward his car, hiking his pants up as he walked. Little Doug always has trouble keeping his pants where he wants them to be. Despite this, he's not a big fan of belts.

As he climbed his porch steps with a small bag in hand, his homemade Christmas toque flopped precariously on his head. Near the top step, he tripped slightly and dropped the bag. He picked it up, looked in our direction and chuckled. Before he opened the front door, he hitched up his pants again and then readjusted his toque. Then he turned and waved to us, before walking into his house.

Oscar turned around and touched me lightly on the shoulder. "Now, how could you ever think that Little Douglas shouldn't be Doug of the Year?"

***

The Doug Deliberations

First, we extend our best wishes to one and all for a very Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

And now, in anticipation of this year's Doug of the Year (DOTY) award, we continue our review of all things Doug related. . . .

***

Universal health care is a cornerstone of Canadian federalism. For Little Doug, this is a very good thing indeed. Health-related concerns dominated his year in the Sack.

Last January, Little Doug was diagnosed with diabetes. Diabetes, of course, is a very serious matter. For Little Doug, it meant a number of immediate lifestyle changes. His first and most significant challenge was to give up his lifelong dependency on Pepsi.

According to Little Doug, the battle to put Pepsi behind him was epic. It was, as he described it, a staple of his old diet. Thankfully, Little Doug was successful in this endeavour, although he still salivates when he walks by the soft drink display at the local grocery store.

***

The diabetes diagnosis also required him to attend educational classes at the old town's general hospital.

For Little Doug, this requirement filled him with no small amount of trepidation. He said he hadn't attended a class of any kind since he said goodbye to formal education after the tenth grade.

Once again, however, he rose to the occasion. According to Little Doug, he "aced" the class with hardly breaking a sweat. This must be true since he's hardly prone to exaggeration. He was so committed to the class that he acquired an audio tape on the subject of diabetes and played it regularly in his car.

With the tape playing as he drove around the old town, Little Doug claimed that his car had become a veritable "university on wheels."

***

Diabetes also demanded that Little Doug should become more physically active.

He embarked on a regimen of lengthy walks which almost always ended at the local Canadian Tire store. Unfortunately, he was often too tired to walk back to the Sack. Little Doug made a habit of calling his daughter, Daisy to pick him up. She quickly put a stop to this practice since she was very pregnant with Baby Doug at the time.

For a short time, Little Doug even tried walking continuously around the Sack. Sack residents, however, put a damper on this endeavour by engaging in frequent conversation with him. Little Doug said it became impossible to get any momentum going during his walks.

Ultimately, Little Doug's exercise program ended in the same manner as Oscar's ill-fated "Man Boobs Be Gone" effort. Now he takes a short walk to the local coffee cathedral and enjoys a coffee and a maple sugar donut.

His coffee order, according to Little Doug, involves only a single shot of cream and, in recognition of his diabetes, not a trace of sugar.

***

But diabetes was not Little Doug's only health issue during the year.

He endured an unfortunate tongue-biting incident that caused him considerable pain. Weed, who was a witness to the affair, admits that this event alone could make Little Doug a serious contender for the DOTY award. It wasn't so much that he bit his tongue, as the immortal words he uttered after doing so.

According to Weed, Little Doug shrieked with pain and then exclaimed, "Ah bit ma puckin' dung."

***

A third health matter was of the dental variety.

Little Doug accidently flushed his upper dental plate down the toilet. Although he was able to retrieve the plate, he could not bring himself to use it again.

Unfortunately, a comfortable replacement plate proved to be illusive for some time. It took several months before he found a good fit. Little Doug had hoped to become active on the dating scene and the absence of upper teeth caused the plan to rest on the back burner. Armed (or perhaps, mouthed) with his new dental plate, he has begun to explore the Internet for dating partners.

So far, he reports little success with this endeavour.

***

There were also three significant achievements for Little Doug during the year, in addition to his health-related woes.

Firstly, he managed to leave his lawn mower in the middle of his side lawn for the duration for the winter, much to the chagrin of both Gordon and Big Doug. Oscar claims the scene should've been regarded as an outdoor art installation, rather than an eyesore. He called the artwork An Ode to Laziness.

Little Doug finally moved it in May when it was time to cut the lawn for the first time. He shrugged off complaints about the matter, stating that it gave him the opportunity to fix the mower when it was time to start using it again.

Little Doug, of course, is very good at fixing things.

***

The second achievement occurred when Little Doug successfully scaled a twenty-foot ladder to make repairs on Oscar's roof.

The achievement here was not in the making of the repairs, but in scaling the ladder without incident. Little Doug, of course, is also very good at falling from ladders.

***

Weed notes that Little Doug should also be recognized for becoming a grandfather for the first time, after the birth of Weed's son, Baby Doug.

Not surprisingly, Oscar scoffed at this claim, stating that Little Doug was a mere bystander to the whole affair. Another raucous debate ensued between Oscar and Weed. I will not waste valuable blogging machine time on the details of their conflict.

***

If Little Doug's year had a health theme, Computer Doug's year was mostly about household problems.

Computer Doug, of course, has neither interest nor ability when it comes to the matter of household maintenance. In fact, his face takes on a mild look of surprise when something malfunctions or requires repair. There were three good examples of this during the past year.

Last February, a visiting friend heard a dull droning sound coming from Computer Doug's basement. Closer investigation revealed that the motor in his air exchanger was taking its dying breaths.

Computer Doug was not only surprised to hear about the motor. He was also shocked to learn that his house had an air exchanger. Unfortunately, this also meant that he had failed to clean its filters every year. As his friend dryly pointed out to him, this was probably a contributing factor in the death of his motor.

The replacement motor cost about three hundred dollars.

***

On another cold winter morning, Computer Doug woke up to find his home without any hot water. He ventured a quick look at his furnace and deduced that it wasn't working.

Computer Doug will be the first to admit that he finds his furnace room to be a frightening place. He calls his furnace "the grey monster." He knows it provides heat to his home and is fed by the oil tank at the side of his house. But he says he hasn't the foggiest idea how the grey monster manages to do its job.

Summoned to the scene, Little Doug took a quick look around and discovered that Computer Doug's oil tank was "bone dry."

He spent more than three hundred dollars to refill the tank with heating oil.

***

"Three hundred dollars" might also be considered as another theme for Computer Doug's year. The day after his furnace went dry, he was driving home to the Sack and was stopped by one of the old town's peelers. Unbeknownst to Computer Doug, his driver's license had expired. He had also made an illegal turn.

A series of tickets was issued. Computer Doug said he didn't need the peeler to tell him the total of the fines attached to the tickets. By this time, he was aware of the "three hundred dollars" theme.

***

The final household woe to befall Computer Doug involved a starling's nest.

For days on end, different Sack residents informed him of a nest in one of his air vents. If you watched patiently for several minutes, you wouldn't fail to see the industrious starling as it battled to enter the vent with nest-making material.

Despite such strong evidence, Computer Doug simply refused to acknowledge the existence of the starling's nest. It wasn't until his wife, Marion heard the starling frantically chirping through the bathroom air vent that he was moved to do something about it.

It only cost fifty dollars to clean out the vent and attach a better screen.

***

Computer Doug did suffer one notable health woe during the year.

Eschewing the walking regimens adopted by Little Doug and Oscar, he decided to take up running. During his first and only outing, he suffered a nasty case of jogger's nipple.

He has since taken up walks to the local coffee cathedral, instead.

***

You would be mistaken if you had the impression that Computer Doug is a rather beleaguered soul. He was not without his own achievements during the year.

Computer Doug is notable for purchasing the majority of his clothing from eBay. He caught our attention on two occasions this year with his taste for online haberdashery. In the first instance, he arrived home from his office one day wearing a bright, pink dress shirt.

It is difficult to find the words to describe the brilliance of the garment. It should suffice to say that Sack residents who were outdoors at the time came to an immediate halt. Children playing in the Sack's centre circle, even the one's with attention difficulties, stood like statues with their mouths agape. Oscar claims that even the birds stopped singing for a moment, although I remain doubtful about this.

Computer Doug modestly accepted compliments on the uniqueness of his dress shirt. He admitted that even he was surprised by its metallic sheen when it arrived via courier. While he admits to owning a "killer" computer monitor, he said the image of the shirt on the eBay site hardly did justice to the shirt's actual hue.

Oscar says that Computer Doug should be given strong consideration for the DOTY award, not because of his ownership of the shirt, but because he has actually worn it more than once.

***

On another occasion, Computer Doug dropped by our show on a mild summer evening.

He was wearing another eBay purchase, something he calls "lounging pants." Other people might call them "pyjama bottoms." In this instance, his lounging pants were chocolate brown and covered with cartoon images of bright green grasshoppers. Oscar made a great fuss over the pants and Computer Doug's decision to acquire them. Weed said very little about the matter. He was, for lack of a better term, awe-struck.

Computer Doug claimed the pants were "one of a kind."

***

Big Doug's performance this year was consistent with his track record. He was measured, steady and methodical.

As usual, he maintained his impossibly high standards for lawn care and snow removal. For the sixth consecutive year, he won the Sack's unofficial best lawn award. If there was a similar award for snow shoveling, Oscar says it should be named after Big Doug and then given, out of fairness, to someone else. He could be right about this.

Big Doug's garage also remains as neat and orderly as a soldier on parade. The shiny black pick-up truck in his driveway looks like it arrived from a dealership show room and was never driven again.

***

Aside from his fastidious ways, Big Doug stood out for other reasons during the past year.

During his annual vacation in Cuba, he delivered a supply of surplus T-shirts to his comrades there. The T-shirts were left over from a bonspiel at his curling club several years ago. On the back of the white garments is the well known curling phrase, "Hurry, Hard!"

One can only imagine that, as we speak, the lucky Cuban resort workers are indeed, hurrying hard.

***

Although he isn't known for his political activism, Big Doug took a stand in favour of Canada's controversial seal hunt this year. Strangely, the benefactor of his actions turned out to be Computer Doug.

Paul McCartney and his now-estranged wife, Heather Mills appeared in the old town as part of their anti-hunt campaign. Big Doug, a native Newfoundlander, was furious about the whole affair. He found some old Wings albums in his basement and made a great show of removing them from his home.

Big Doug, of course, is not known for his interest in music. He admitted that the albums from the 1970s were likely the last he had ever purchased. Computer Doug, on the other hand, is an avid collector and historian of popular music. He was thrilled to add the albums to his collection. He also said he had no particular opinion on the seal hunt.

***

The other notable thing about Big Doug this year was unrelated to any achievement or shenanigan.

During the year, it was observed that Big Doug makes frequent use of the word, "arse." The steady ennui that marks life in a suburban cul-de-sac allowed us to pay very close attention to any variation that he might make from this usage.

Intensive scrutiny on the matter revealed that Big Doug makes exclusive use of the word. He is not ever, as Oscar says, an "ass" man. It's always arse.

Weed still remains doubtful on this matter. Only a longitudinal study, in his view, will confirm the current finding. Oscar says he has heard enough to form an opinion on the question. Nevertheless, they agree that, at least this year, Big Doug was completely ass-free.

***

Finally, we turn our attention to last year's winner of the DOTY award, the enigmatic Rental Doug.

Rental Doug, of course, was victorious last year due to his suspected ties with the Devil. While Oscar hasn't ruled out that Rental Doug isn't actually the Devil himself, it's generally accepted that the man holds a senior position in the Devils's organization.

Of course, firm evidence of this is completely lacking. In fact, Rental Doug has been consistently conspicuous by his apparent goodness.

***

Rental Doug lives in the Sack with his spouse and their blended family kids. It's very common to see both playing with their children on their driveway or on the street. Frequently, they allow other Sack children to join them when they attend other activities, like bowling or swimming.

Before any significant holiday, Rental Doug and his family are quick to decorate the exterior of their home. They've been the first to put up decorations for Halloween and Christmas. Their home was the only one in the Sack to be decorated for Easter.

For the first time, Rental Doug also made a few guest appearances on our show. Even Oscar had to admit that he came across as cordial and good-natured. To the observer, it would be hard to fathom the man in the employ of Satan.

***

During one of his visits to the show, Rental Doug informed us that he was hopeful of purchasing the Sack home he currently enjoys with his family. He was effusive in his praise of the neighbourhood and their acceptance by other Sack residents.

So far, he has had no luck in contacting the owner of the house. The owner, of course, is a United Church minister who currently resides in another province.

***

As usual, Oscar was quick to say that Rental Doug's apparent goodness is a carefully crafted smokescreen. What else, he argues, would one expect from one of Satan's men?

In the first place, Oscar pointed to the Easter decorations as a prime example of Rental Doug's attempt to infiltrate the Sack. The number of people who decorate their homes for Easter, in his opinion, is "few and far between." Only someone working from Satan's "play book" would come up with something like this.

Secondly, Oscar highlighted the "herculean" effort that Rental Doug put into his Halloween decorations, compared to his Christmas and Easter output. Rental Doug, in Oscar's eyes, could not hide his true colours during Halloween.

***

As a final measure of Rental Doug's mettle, Oscar also pointed to a significant moment during the man's visit to our show this summer.

As Rental Doug took his leave from the show, Jeff Christ happened to make his own cameo appearance. The tension on the Wonders' front porch, in Oscar's mind, was palpable. Not only did the two men barely acknowledge each other, but neither made an attempt to shake hands.

Weed, of course, noted that Jeff Christ couldn't extend a hand to Rental Doug, because of the case of beer he was holding for Ben, his uncle. Oscar acknowledged this fact, but said it certainly didn't take Rental Doug off the hook in the matter.

***

As the hour grew late, continued discussion on Rental Doug's merits for the DOTY award was abandoned. It was agreed that it's possible for a man to be both conspicuous by his goodness and be in league with the Devil.

So now we await the final decision on the DOTY award at Oscar's Boxing Day brunch. May the best Doug win.

***

The Doug Days of Winter

December is a significant time for most people. For many, it's a time for the joyous Christmas season. Some people will observe Hanukkah. And others will celebrate Kwanzaa.

In the Sack, it's a time for all of these special holidays. As Weed says, it's all a matter of "whatever floats your boat."

But there is, of course, another significant event that occurs during December. To the best of my knowledge, it's a unique matter that's known only in the Sack.

It's time for the annual Doug of the Year award.

***

The Doug of the Year award or DOTY award, as Sack observers like to say, has been bestowed every year since 2000. Oscar claims that it's an august award. I remain doubtful about this.

The criteria for the DOTY award are really quite simple. One must be a resident of the Sack and must legally bear the name Doug. These characteristics automatically qualify someone as a DOTY nominee.

The actual winner of the award is the Doug who, in the opinion of the judges, has been most notable during the preceding twelve months. The winner is usually recognized for his involvement in some kind of amusing shenanigans during the year.

Conversely, the winning Doug might've accomplished something extraordinarily positive. Whatever the characteristic, the winner is chosen for standing out amongst the other Dougs. It's as simple as that.

***

Here is a quick primer on the Sack's Doug population. You could also call it A Short History of the Dougs. You don't have to call it that, of course. But you could if you wanted to.

In the beginning, there was Big Doug and Doug That Moved. As his name suggests, Doug That Moved moved.

Before he moved, Doug That Moved was known simply as Doug. He is the only Doug in Sack history to be known in this way. (If there was going to be a Doug history test at the end of this post, this is exactly the kind of question that would be on it.)

***

An incredible thing happened when Doug That Moved sold his house. It was purchased by another man named Doug. This is how Little Doug appeared in the Sack.

Little Doug received his nickname because of Big Doug. If you knew that both men were named Doug and then learned that one was known as Big Doug, you would probably say the following:

"So that other fella must be called Little Doug, right?"

***

Computer Doug was the next Doug to move into the Sack. Unlike Little Doug, you wouldn't be able to guess Computer Doug's name just by looking at him. If you spent some time around him, of course, you might come up with it eventually.

The fifth Doug to appear in the Sack was Rental Doug. He moved here more than a year ago. He's the first Doug to rent a home in the Sack, rather than hold ownership. This is also how he earned his nickname.

Sack residents are known for their great imaginations.

***

The sixth and most recent Doug is actually a baby. His nickname is also testimony to great imagination. The little tyke's name is Baby Doug. He's now one of five Dougs to live in the Sack today.

Baby Doug is a bit of a controversial Doug. His first name is actually Owen. Doug is the lad's middle name. Sack purists believe that an authentic Doug uses the moniker as a first name only.

Sack purists can be pretty damn rigid.

***

If you're a history buff or simply curious, you're probably wondering about past winners of the DOTY award. If this is true, this is your lucky day. Here are the past DOTY award winners, including their most notable achievement:

2000 - Doug That Moved (moved)

2001 - Little Doug (fixed a lot of stuff for people)

2002 - Big Doug (impossibly green lawn/shoveling skill)

2003 - Little Doug (hit Gordon in the ass with a golf ball)

2004 - Computer Doug (saw U2 twice in concert)

2005 - Rental Doug (could be Satan)

***

The selection of the DOTY award winner takes place in two stages. The first stage involves a general discussion of the Dougs and their respective shenanigans over the past year. This usually takes place in the Wonders' front room in mid-December. Stage two is the actual selection debate and final decision. This usually takes place during Oscar's Boxing Day brunch on December 26.

Stage one of the DOTY award deliberations took place last Saturday. The panel of experts, as Oscar calls it, consisted of your agent, Oscar and Weed. There was some heated discussion about Weed's status as a DOTY award judge. Oscar believes that Weed's participation reflects a conflict of interest due to his relationship with two of the Sack's Doug population.

Weed, of course, is the father of Baby Doug. Little Doug also happens to be Weed's de facto father-in-law, since Weed is in a common-law relationship with Little Doug's daughter, Daisy. While Oscar claims he has complete trust in Weed's ability to be impartial, he remains concerned about public perception of the matter.

"The last thing we need," Oscar said with a stern look on his face, "is for people to compare the DOTY award to the Golden Globe Awards."

***

In the end, it was agreed that Weed would be placed on probationary status for an undetermined period, as far as his judging role is concerned. If he proved himself to be a man of sober judgement, Oscar said we would consider Weed for permanent status in the future.

Weed nodded his agreement in the matter as he placed his beer glass on the coffee table. Then he looked at Oscar and called him a "fricken' dick dog."

***

So the deliberations began in earnest. It did not take long for controversy to arise.

The first Doug to be reviewed was Baby Doug. Weed felt that his son had made a number of significant achievements since his birth last June. Each, according to Weed, would make him an ideal candidate for this year's DOTY award.

Oscar immediately leapt to his feet. In the process, he knocked over a ceramic Santa Claus on the table beside him. Thankfully, it landed on the rug and remained intact. The noise, however, brought Mrs. Wonders down from upstairs. She told Oscar that he was now on probation for an undetermined period as far as his front-room privileges were concerned.

***

After Mrs. Wonders went back upstairs, Oscar outlined his strong opposition to Baby Doug as a bonafide candidate for the award.

Oscar, of course, is well known for his position on babies and their contributions to Sack life. Babies, in his opinion, rarely have anything interesting to say, even though they're very good at interrupting things.

In this particular matter, Oscar argued that Baby Doug hasn't (1) kept a good lawn; (2) fixed anyone's computer; (3) hooked up with Satan or (4) completed any household repairs at Oscar's house. He said he was mystified about Weed's conclusion that Baby Doug would be a contender to win the DOTY award.

Weed argued that Baby Doug had, in fact, accomplished something none of the other Dougs could have dreamed of doing during the last year. He said the little tyke had enjoyed a principal role in the childbirth process. In other words, Baby Doug had done something extraordinary during the year by being born.

"Big Doug," Weed said passionately, "would have to shovel snow all the way to Vancouver to top that."

***

According to Weed, Baby Doug's second great accomplishment was also unattainable, as far as the other Doug's were concerned. Apparently, during his earliest days as a baby, Baby Doug produced "poop" that was orange and green in colour.

Oscar, of course, said this was all preposterous. Firstly, he argued, there was no proof that Baby Doug produced such a colourful mix of poop. We would have to accept Weed's word on the matter and this would only create distrust in the eyes of other Sack residents, if Baby Doug won the DOTY on these grounds.

Secondly, Oscar said stiffly, none of us are privy to the colour of bowel movements produced by the other Dougs.

"Quite frankly," he added, "I don't think we want to go there anyway."

***

A hot debate on the matter ensued.

Weed assertively defended his son as a candidate for the DOTY award. If participating in the magic of childbirth and producing orange and green poop wasn't enough to win, Weed said he couldn't imagine what would be enough.

He also noted that he did, in fact, have proof of the orange and green poop. He said he snapped a photo of it with his camera phone. He said he would be pleased to email a copy of the picture to both of us. I was quick to reassure him that no such proof was necessary on my account.

Oscar, however, sagely pointed out that Baby Doug was born by caesarean section, rather than vaginally. This was, he sniffed, the "lazy man's way out." He also recalled that Computer Doug once told a tale about having blue poop. This was proof, he allowed, that Baby Doug's colourful poop was not so unusual.

***

The story about Computer Doug's blue poop is actually true.

Several years ago, he and his wife, Marion had taken their children to the great metropolis of Toronto for a vacation. During the trip, they visited Canada's Wonderland, a Disney-like amusement park just outside of the city. Computer Doug consumed a blue ice cream cone while walking through Smurf Village. For several days after, he claimed that his poop had turned "Smurf blue."

***

As with most debates involving Weed and Oscar, fatigue started to set in.

Eventually, Weed said he didn't think there was any more to say on the matter. He suggested that we continue with a review of the other Dougs before the night was over. We weren't making any decisions tonight anyway, he said, so it would be best to "let sleeping dogs lie." Oscar nodded his agreement and in a gesture of goodwill, offered to fetch the next round of drink.

When Oscar had left the room, Weed gave me a conspiratorial look and nodded toward the kitchen.

"What a fricken' dick dog, eh?" he said quietly. Then he got to his feet and headed for the bathroom. Oscar returned while he was gone and placed some bottles of drink on the coffee table.

As he sat back in his chair, he gave a quick look toward the hallway and then shot me a furtive glance.

"Talk about a fricken' dick dog, eh?"

***

Next: The DOTY deliberations continue with the rest of the Dougs.

No Joy in Snowville

"I don't got no glubs on!"

That was young Doo's alibi when accused of throwing a snowball at Elizabeth's car on Monday night. He believed that the absence of gloves on his hands would surely exonerate him. Of course, everyone knows that a bare hand is much better for throwing snowballs. One's accuracy is significantly improved without "glubs."

In the end, however, Doo was found guilty of the crime. And the finding had nothing to do with his "no gloves" defence. Doo was sent to the penalty box based on the testimony of an eyewitness. Apparently, Tremayne's older brother, Jimbo saw Doo fire the snowball at Elizabeth's car as she pulled into her driveway. It landed on her back window with a sharp thud. Elizabeth testified that it "startled the living Jesus" out of her.

Doo's punishment was to stammer a personal apology at Elizabeth's front door. It also involved standing through a lengthy lecture from his victim. This included a healthy dose of finger-wagging, as well.

Seven-year-old Doo is now on probation and, according to his mom, is barred from throwing snowballs until his twenty-first birthday.

***

This is a tale about Big Doug’s constipation. Thankfully, it has nothing to do with bowel movements.

Big Doug, of course, is a man who takes snow shoveling very seriously. When lawn maintenance season comes to its inevitable end, he begins earnest preparations for the next snow removal campaign. This is also when he unleashes his impressive array of professional-caliber snow shovels.

Like the rest of his household tools, Big Doug’s shovels enjoy a great deal of care and maintenance. Some would even say they are lovingly cared for. In fact, it’s true that Big Doug even has names for some of his shovels. His most favoured is Betsy Junior.

Betsy Junior is Big Doug’s smallest shovel. One might consider it as more of a specialty shovel. He uses it only for the finer points of snow removal. This would include the clearing of stairs and other smaller areas. He also uses it to evenly trim the walls of the snow banks around his driveway.

***

I have no idea why Big Doug has names for some of his snow shovels. I’m not sure if it would be useful to know, either.

Weed says Betsy is a very archaic name. He says it falls into the same category as names like Agnes or Olive. These days, he adds, it's increasingly difficult to run into someone with such names. Instead, Weed says we have a deluge of people with handles like Britney or Ashley.

Oscar agreed with Weed’s assessment of the matter. There was probably a time, he pointed out, when you couldn’t turn around without falling over a Betsy.

“Now,” he said evenly, “the only Betsy I know is a shovel.”

***

Big Doug’s shoveling efforts are a pleasure to witness.

By the time he’s done, almost all traces of precipitation have been removed from his driveway and front walk. Sometimes, it seems like snow had never existed on these areas in the first place.

The other notable part of Big Doug’s shoveling prowess is his “lines.” The snow banks around the cleared areas are straight and true. They have a laser-like precision that's vaguely disturbing. As long as Big Doug has snow banks, he'll spend time trimming their sides, even when new snow hasn't fallen.

Oscar says Big Doug actually uses a level to ensure that his snow banks are balanced and even. I remain doubtful about this.

***

One might have the distinct impression that Big Doug is someone who enjoys snow shoveling. Interestingly, nothing could be further from the truth.

If dead chickens fell from the sky instead of snow, Big Doug would still have the Sack's cleanest driveway and front walk. He would also have the neatest pile of dead chickens.

Whether faced with snow or dead chickens, Big Doug's actual motivation comes from a place of duty and obligation. Whenever something falls from the sky and accumulates on one's property, a man has a deep and unyielding responsibility to remove it in a prompt, neat and devoted manner. At least that's how Big Doug sees it.

Oscar says there is something almost religious about Big Doug's position on snow removal. He says the white stuff is almost like Big Doug's "cross to bear" in life. He could be right about this.

***

Shoveling snow, therefore, is an important winter activity for Big Doug. He must engage in it regularly to fulfill his sense of duty and obligation. Such toil is also another way for him to operationalize his strong work ethic.

As the brisk days of November descend on the old town, Big Doug's appetite for snow removal is usually rewarded. In a good year, his itch will sometimes be scratched as early as October.

But now the shadow of climate change is upon us. This year, October passed without any early snowfalls. And November, with all its promise, came and went without even a rumour of snow.

***

The closest thing to snow in the Sack during November was a small gust of white styrofoam bits.

The old town's waste management professionals were disposing of Oscar's garbage bin on a windy day. The styrofoam bits blew back from the bin as they tried to dispose of its contents into their truck. A week after garbage day, the styrofoam bits could still be found littered around the Sack.

The styrofoam was part of the packaging from Oscar's recently-acquired black fedora. That's a tale for another day.

***

So November's end saw Big Doug's shovels remain idle.

With each passing day without snow, Big Doug's demeanour seemed to grow darker. He prowled around his yard like a restless lion. A permanent scowl seemed to be etched upon his face. The only time his expression changed was when he looked up to the sky. Then a wistful look spread across it.

The first weekend of December arrived. Many Sack residents used this time to put up their Christmas lights. Spirits in the Sack were soaring. There was a strong sense of community as people joked and laughed about each others' creations.

But Big Doug remained sullen.

***

By Sunday night, Big Doug's snow constipation had reached its zenith. He was busting to break out Betsy Junior and her mates. Sack observers were expecting him to implode, if winter precipitation continued to be illusive.

On Monday, December 4, the old town's weather prognosticator called for the season's first snowfall. Unfortunately, it was expected to be only a trace amount. The "weather dude," as Weed described him, assured everyone that shovels would not be required.

For Big Doug, there would still be no joy in Snowville.

***

Some people would say it was divine intervention. Others would say a deal with the devil (or at least, Rental Doug) had been struck. But Big Doug's snow constipation was cured with a flourish.

Early on Monday afternoon, the snow began to fall. It continued unabated until about eight o'clock in the evening. The snow flakes were large and heavy. Oscar said he had never seen such unnaturally large snow flakes. He called them snow chunks, instead of flakes.

Many people in the old town were caught off guard by this ferocious blast of winter. Traffic was paralyzed and snow plows were nowhere to be seen. Cars were abandoned on many of the main roads. In some areas, the power went out, plunging some streets into darkness.

On average, it took people more than three hours to get home from work.

***

Sack residents did not fare well in the storm.

To reach the Sack from the downtown quarter, one must travel up a steep hill. There are other ways to get there, of course, but the hill is the most direct route. And on this particular evening, the other routes were jammed. But if the hill hasn't been plowed or received a dusting of sand, it's almost impossible to navigate. Even the bus service is discontinued in these circumstances.

Eventually, some Sack residents began to accumulate at the bottom of the hill. Everyone had already been travelling for several hours. But no one, it seemed, could make it up the hill. The side of the road began to resemble a parking lot, as people prepared to abandon their cars and walk the rest of the way home.

That's when Little Doug appeared in his pick-up truck.

***

Oscar, Ben, Gordon and Weed were among a group of Sack residents stuck at the bottom of the hill. Eventually, your agent, Mrs. Wonders and Florence joined the group, too. Everyone had tried to scale the hill in their own vehicle without success.

Little Doug's truck was equipped with brand-new snow tires. If everyone piled into the back of the truck, Oscar said the extra weight would surely allow Little Doug's vehicle to carry everyone home. Little Doug seemed skeptical at first, but reluctantly agreed to give it a try.

Mrs. Wonders and Florence sat in the warmth of the cab with Little Doug, while the rest climbed into the box of the truck. Oscar said he should probably sit in the front, as well, to "balance out the weight." But he backed off on the idea when Ben threatened to wash his face with a handful of snow chunks.

The powerful truck began to scale the slippery slope.

***

The road leading up the hill is a winding one. One must scale three steep segments of the hill, before reaching the crest. From there, the rest of the journey to the Sack would be smooth sailing.

With Little Doug at the wheel, the truck laboured through the first segment. This was further than anyone's car had ventured, so far. The mood in the back of the truck was optimistic.

The second segment of the journey loomed. Little Doug's truck attacked the incline with gusto. When it reached about two-thirds of the way up, it began to lose momentum. The tires started to whine as they spun in the slippery snow. The smell of burning rubber was suddenly in the air.

Little Doug allowed the truck to roll back down the second part of the slope for a little bit. He wanted to take another run at it. This time the truck advanced further up the hill. But, once again, it reached an invisible point of no return. Hopefulness was starting to erode.

***

A third try was undertaken. Miraculously, the truck reached another slippery point near the top of the second steep segment, but this time suddenly shot over the crest of the hill, as if propelled by a catapult.

Now the third and final segment of the hill loomed ahead. Beyond this point was the warmth of our Sack homes. Unfortunately, this was also the steepest part of the hill.

Little Doug made three valiant attempts to scale the third segment of the hill. Each attempt reinforced the futile nature of the whole endeavour. Finally, the vehicle came to a stop and a brief conference was held.

There were two choices facing us. We could abandon Little Doug's truck and walk the rest of the way home or we could try pushing the truck up the steep hill. Most people seemed in favour of walking the rest of the way home. Once past the third hill, the rest of the journey is on relatively even ground. It would only take about fifteen minutes to reach the Sack, despite the accumulation of snow on the ground.

But Oscar was adamant that we should try pushing the truck, at least once. "Quitters," he said philosophically, "never prosper."

"Don't you mean cheaters never prosper?" asked Florence.

"Yeah, I guess so," Oscar replied hesitantly. Then he said more confidently, "But, we'd be cheating ourselves if we quit too soon."

***

So everyone, with the exception of Little Doug, began to assemble at the back of the truck. An attempt would be made to push the vehicle over the final crest.

With six people pushing, the truck advanced further up the hill. After two attempts, it moved agonizingly close to the top. But it wouldn't travel those final six feet to freedom. A third and final attempt was agreed upon. But almost everyone knew it would be unsuccessful, unless a little bit more muscle was available.

That's when Jeff Christ suddenly appeared.

***

Jeff Christ had walked home from his job at Canadian Tire. The store had closed on account of the power failure. Normally, he would take the bus up the hill, but, of course, it wasn't running today.

While Jeff is rather slight in stature, his pushing power seemed to make a big difference. Little Doug's truck easily scaled the final distance to the top of the hill. Everyone, including Jeff Christ, piled triumphantly into the back of the truck for the rest of the journey home.

As Little Doug navigated toward the Sack, an exuberant Oscar began singing Onward Christian Soldiers in the back of the truck. He wanted everyone, including a puzzled Jeff Christ to join in. Oscar was halfway through the first stanza, when Ben hit him with a dollop of snow.

The snow chunks hit him, as Weed described it later, "right in the kisser."

***

Little Doug easily maneuvered the truck into the Sack and, despite the accumulation of snow, powered into his driveway.

The Sack, of course, was a mess. The street remained unplowed. Those who were fortune to be at home when the storm began, or were able to reach home early, had remained indoors. With only one exception, no one had attempted to do any shoveling.

The exception, of course, was Big Doug. He was still putting the finishing touches on his front walk and porch stairs. Clutched in his expert hands was Betsy Junior.

Big Doug's driveway was completely cleared. He had created two smooth snow banks on either side. In the darkness of the street, the sides of the snow banks looked like they were made from small sheets of drywall board.

***

When Big Doug is shoveling, there is very little that can interrupt his work. But now that weeks of snow constipation had been undone by a ferocious blast of winter, Big Doug's mood was positively jovial. He seemed almost light on his feet as he danced over to the crowd of Sack residents as they disembarked from Little Doug's truck.

He greeted everyone by name and asked about their welfare. Not once did he utter the word "arsehole." By a series of coincidences, he said he had arrived home in the early afternoon, just before the storm began to rage. He chatted amiably for several minutes, then took leave to resume his shoveling obligations.

Big Doug was definitely back on track.

***

The next morning, Sack residents awoke to a very surprising sight.

During the night, the temperature increased dramatically. By seven o'clock in the morning, it was more than ten degrees (Celsius). Almost all of the snow had melted. Some of it still lingered on lawns and along the side of the street, but everyone's driveway was clear.

As your agent walked down the Wonders' driveway, Big Doug emerged from his house. I flashed him my trademark peace sign wave, but he only nodded his head solemnly. Normally, he would wave one of his hefty paws in my direction. As he walked down his front steps, Big Doug gazed around at his property with an expressionless look on his face.

As he drove past the Wonders' driveway, I tried to get a sense of his demeanour. It was clear that he wasn't happy about the melted snow, but there was something else there, too.

Constipation was the only word that came to mind.

***

Maximum Mayhem

On Friday evening, your agent was walking past the liquor store at the local shopping emporium.

At the checkout counter was none other than Dirk, the lord of Burning Manor. He was buying a case of Alexander Keith's finest and a bottle of Captain Morgan rum. As I passed, our eyes met. Dirk smiled and then gave me a brief wave. I returned his greeting with a broad grin and my own trademark peace sign.

Dirk's wave was a thumbs-up sign.

***

It has been some time since we spoke of Maxwell, the life partner of Britney Bitterman and sole proprietor of Cutlass Supreme Painting.

Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman, of course, are Sack residents. They live next door to Oscar and his family. Mr. Bitterman and Oscar enjoy a driveway relationship with each other. They only interact as they pass by on their respective driveways.

Over the last year, Mr. Bitterman has used these occasions to lament about his trials and tribulations with his daughter, Britney and her beau, Maxwell. Prior to this, Mr. Bitterman would only nod and murmur a polite greeting whenever he encountered Oscar.

Even though communication is still restricted to their respective driveways, Oscar now feels like he's Mr Bitterman's only confidant.

***

Mrs Bitterman has experienced her own struggles during the past year. Her weight has increased significantly. She also appears to be suffering from a constant sweat.

Many people think her decline has everything to do with a nasty bout of menopause. Others say it's typical of someone who's suburban family is slowly eroding. Some say it could be equal parts of both.

I have no idea about such things.

***

Britney Bitterman, of course, gave birth to Baby Maybe last May. It was Britney's first child, but Maxwell's second. Apparently, he has a four-year-old son from another relationship.

Several years ago, things seemed to be looking up for Britney. During that time, she shared an apartment with a boyfriend and had a full-time job. Sadly, things went awry when her boyfriend suddenly ended their relationship. Sack sources say this knocked the stuffing out of her for some time. She quit her job and moved back home with her family.

That's when Maxwell burst onto the scene.

***

From the beginning, Maxwell wasn't warmly received into the Bitterman home. This was not a big surprise.

While he does possess a certain roguish charm, Maxwell's appearance wouldn't exactly jive with any parent's fondest hope for their only daughter. Tall and angular, he has a light, but perpetual five o'clock shadow. His hair is dark and closely cropped. It's almost always covered by a ball cap that bears the insignia of Les Habitants.

Although prone to wearing a tracksuit in almost all kinds of weather, one of Maxwell's most notable characteristics are his teeth. His left front tooth is badly chipped. Several other front teeth are missing completely.

His smile, one might say, is a very distinctive one.

***

None of this should suggest that Maxwell is not an interesting fellow. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

Firstly, it's well known that Maxwell is a highly regarded candlepin bowler. If he had a mind to do so, he could surely be the old town's best. It wouldn't even be a stretch to say that he might be the best candlepin bowler in the entire province.

This information, of course, comes from a very reliable source. It comes directly from Maxwell, himself.

***

Maxwell is also an independent businessman. As mentioned, he's the owner and operator of Cutlass Supreme Painting. According to his business card, the company can look after all your residential and commercial painting needs.

Apparently, "no job is too small" for Cutlass Supreme Painting. At least, that's what the business card says.

***

It should be no surprise that no job would be too small for Cutlass Supreme Painting. Since its inception last year, Maxwell has failed to secure any jobs at all.

According to Maxwell, this failure has everything to do with the absence of the company's namesake, a 1993 Cutlass Supreme. The vehicle is required to transport Maxwell's ladder and other painting gear. It would also be used to transport Maxwell's "crew," a motley collection of friends and cousins who'll help with his painting "gigs."

***

Ownership of the 1993 Cutlass Supreme has proven to be very illusive.

One of Maxwell's cousins owned this particular vehicle last year and wanted to sell it. Apparently, Maxwell was first in line among prospective buyers. This is how he got the idea for the company name.

Sadly, Maxwell had a series of financial setbacks and was unable to purchase the vehicle. Now another one of his cousins has acquired it. Nevertheless, Maxwell says he still has "first dibs" on it, whenever this cousin decides to sell. Whenever the matter of the vehicle is raised, Maxwell claims the sale is imminent.

***

Despite the absence of the vehicle, Maxwell has stuck with the name of the company. He still has about eight hundred Cutlass Supreme Painting business cards. If he runs out of cards before he can acquire the vehicle, Maxwell says he'll consider changing the name.

***

Maxwell's business activities, or the lack, thereof, have also played a central role in his relationship with the Bitterman family.

Until news of Baby Maybe's arrival, Mr. Bitterman simply tolerated Maxwell's occasional presence around his home. But after the pregnancy was announced, he took a much closer interest in Maxwell's employment record. Hoping to make the best of a bad situation, Mr Bitterman and his wife allowed Maxwell to move into their home. They were hoping that Britney and Maxwell could get on their feet and eventually look after themselves and Baby Maybe.

But after watching Maxwell quickly become persona non grata at several arranged job opportunities, Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman banished him from their homestead. At first, Britney seemed to agree with this stand. But it wasn't long before the pair was seen together around the Sack when Britney's folks weren't around.

***

Before Baby Maybe was born, Britney obtained her own apartment, courtesy of the province's social welfare system. This also allowed her to have some income, as well. To this day, support from Maxwell, unfortunately, has been almost nonexistent.

Moving out, of course, also resulted in the full resumption of Britney's relationship with Maxwell. Nevertheless, he remained unwelcome from entering the Bitterman family's Sack homestead.

***

After Baby Maybe was born, Britney started to spend almost all of her time at the Bitterman house. Sack observers say almost two-thirds of Britney's time is spent there, along with Baby Maybe.

This, of course, is no surprise. Her apartment is located in a relatively undesirable area of the old town. Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman are quite fond of Baby Maybe and provide Britney with as much help as she needs with the wee lad. This can only be a good thing for both of them.

Oscar says Britney's frequent visits to the family home have more to do with the availability of digital cable than anything else. I remain doubtful about this.

***

Over the last few months, very little has changed in the lives of Maxwell, Britney and the rest of the Bitterman clan.

Maxwell remains comfortably unemployed. According to Mr. Bitterman, the only contribution he has made to the welfare of young Baby Maybe is the gift of a new bicycle. The bicycle is quite expensive and is more suitable for a six-year-old, rather than a six-month-old infant.

Mr. Bitterman told Oscar he would be "a monkey's uncle" if the bike didn't "fall from the back of a truck."

***

Britney, on the other hand, has been quick to defend Maxwell in the face of criticism about his support for her and Baby Maybe.

Recently, she told Daisy that Maxwell has provided several packages of disposable diapers for their son. And on a fairly regular basis, he surprises her with a pizza supper. Apparently, one of Maxwell's cousins is a pizza delivery man and provides him with free pies. Britney says the cousin owes Maxwell some money, so he's paying him back with pizza. At least that's how Maxwell explained it to her.

***

Since we last checked in on them, there has been one notable change in the world of Britney and Maxwell. This development came as a big surprise to most Sack observers. Apparently, the welcome mat has been dusted off. Maxwell is now permitted, once again, into the Bitterman home.

Oscar says this development signifies Mr. Bitterman's resignation, rather than his acceptance, of his daughter's relationship with Maxwell. According to Mr. Bitterman, he simply gave into pressure from both his wife and his daughter. Other than a terse greeting, he says he still refuses to have anything to do with Britney's nefarious partner.

***

Weed, of course, is the Sack's official correspondent when it comes to matters relating to Maxwell.

Weed works at a call centre adjacent to the local shopping emporium. He frequently encounters Maxwell in the mall's food court. Apparently, this is also the head office for Cutlass Supreme Painting. Maxwell used to operate out of the local coffee cathedral but was forced to relocate after an unfortunate tryst with one of its coffee matrons.

According to Maxwell, he was welcomed into the Bitterman home again because of his diligence in resurrecting the fortunes of Cutlass Supreme Painting. He told Weed that he has a bonafide painting gig lined up for early January. Apparently, it's a contract to do some interior painting at a home in the old town's tony south end.

Maxwell says the gig will pay him "mucho dollars."

***

The painting gig was secured while Maxwell was helping his cousin scavenge for recyclable bottles and cans in a south end neighbourhood. Apparently, he told a woman on their route about his exemplary painting abilities. One thing lead to another, Maxwell explained, and the next thing he knew "Bob's your uncle."

According to Weed, Maxwell was rather vague about how he and his "crew" would transport their painting gear to the south end home. He mentioned something about the loan of a vehicle from "the stepfather of a friend's girlfriend."

Weed says Maxwell is smoking too much of the local ganja again.

***

Normally, I would've said something like "he could be right about this" in response to Weed's observation about Maxwell's business prospects. In fact, until Thursday afternoon this was exactly what I did say.

It was just after four o'clock and I had just returned from another day of gainful employment. I noticed that Oscar and Maxwell were chatting at the foot of the Bitterman driveway. A car was parked in the driveway behind them. The hood was raised and some tools lay on the ground in front of the vehicle.

It was a silver Cutlass Supreme. If I wasn't mistaken, it looked like a 1993 model.

***

My day at work had been a busy one. I wanted nothing more than some peaceful solitude inside the Wonders' home.

But it was clear that Sack business was at hand. A new story was obviously unfolding in front of my eyes. And since the blogging machine will not tell these tales on its own, I walked over to join Maxwell and Oscar on the Bitterman driveway.

***

The vehicle was, in fact, the authentic and much coveted 1993 Cutlass Supreme that sparked the creation of Cutlass Supreme Painting. Maxwell was tinkering with its carburetor. Apparently, it had been causing some trouble and Maxwell wanted to "check her out."

I will admit to some brief moments of awe as I considered the presence of the Cutlass Supreme. It has taken on almost mythical proportions since Maxwell first spoke about it last year.

Oscar said it was like finally getting to see a real flying saucer. I remain doubtful about this.

***

According to Maxwell, he's now the proud owner of the vehicle.

The last cousin to own it is spending a short period of time in the old town's correctional centre. Because of the incarceration, he needed to raise some revenue. Maxwell plans to pay for the vehicle from the profits of next month's south end gig.

***

With great pride, Maxwell gave us a walking tour of his 1993 Cutlass Supreme. The car is (or perhaps, was) silver in colour. A lot of body work has been done to its exterior. Various different shades of silver and grey are visible on the car.

On the back bumper, one can find two different bumper stickers. The first acknowledges the old town's police benevolent fund. The second reads: "This car climbed Mt. Washington."

***

According to Maxwell, the Cutlass Supreme climbed Mt. Washington while in the possession of his Uncle Ted.

Maxwell's Uncle Ted is a renowned one-armed candlepin bowling champion. Apparently, he has beaten the best from here, all the way to New Hampshire. Coincidently, this is also where one can find Mt. Washington.

According to Maxwell, Uncle Ted drove the Cutlass Supreme up Mount Washington about seven years ago. He was in New Hampshire to play in a candlepin bowling tournament. Maxwell says there is no doubt that his uncle, from a candlepin bowling perspective, "kicked everyone's butt to the curb."

Uncle Ted apparently owned the Cutlass Supreme for about eight of the car's thirteen years. He bought it from a used-car dealer in 1996 for use as a taxi cab. This was what the vehicle was used for until 2004. Since then, it has been owned by a number of Maxwell's close and distant cousins.

***

Maxwell sat proudly in the car's front seat. The inside of the car smelled vaguely of dirty laundry.

As he pointed out the car's various strengths (the cigarette lighter still works), Maxwell put the key in the ignition and tried to start the car. The engine coughed a few times, but refused to activate.

Maxwell cursed and stepped out of the car. He took off his baseball cap and then repositioned it back on his head. He tinkered under the hood for a moment and then tried the ignition again.

The car still wouldn't start.

***

Standing beside Maxwell, Oscar bent over the hood and gazed at the engine thoughtfully. That's when I decided to make my exit. The workings of an automobile always fail to hold my interest. I would sooner pay someone to carry out repairs than spend my time learning more about such matters.

It's all just a matter of interest.

My decision to leave proved fortuitous. Just as I arrived back on the Wonders' property, Mr. Bitterman cruised into the Sack. Since his driveway was blocked by Maxwell's Cutlass Supreme, he was forced to park illegally by the Sack's centre circle.

Mr. Bitterman is not the type of man who is accustomed to finding that his driveway is unavailable to him, even temporarily.

***

I watched from the safety of my own porch as Mr. Bitterman approached Maxwell. Oscar still stood on the Bitterman driveway, but he had started to edge himself slowly toward his own property.

Mr. Bitterman started talking to Maxwell in a very animated fashion. He stabbed his finger at the Cutlass Supreme and then jerked his thumb backwards toward the street.

He wanted Maxwell to move his "piece of crap" out of the Bitterman driveway.

***

It was obvious that Maxwell was trying to explain to Mr. Bitterman that the car would not start. He pointed several times at the engine and then held his hands up in the air.

Mr. Bitterman started rubbing his forehead and then put both hands on the top of his head. He looked like he was going to say something else to Maxwell, but then seemed to change his mind. He quickly pushed past Maxwell and went into the house.

A few minutes later, Britney emerged from the house and started to give Maxwell a piece of her mind. Maxwell kept shrugging and pointing at the car. Soon he was showing her something under the hood.

Britney was then instructed to start the car as Maxwell fiddled with something under the hood. After several unsuccessful attempts, she climbed out of the vehicle and stood talking and smoking with Maxwell on the driveway.

Then they both went into the house.

***

About an hour later, the Wonders' phone rang. It was Oscar.

Oscar encouraged me to take a look outside at the Bitterman home. A peeler car had pulled alongside Mr. Bitterman's car as it sat beside the Sack's centre circle. A young officer was busy writing a parking ticket.

The Cutlass Supreme still sat in the Bitterman driveway with its hood up.

***

Thirty minutes later, Oscar called again. Apparently, a new chapter in Mr. Bitterman's relationship with Maxwell was unfolding.

Mr. Bitterman had clearly found the parking ticket. The fines for such infractions have increased dramatically in the old town in recent months. Mr. Bitterman's violation will cost him fifty dollars.

It would be an understatement to suggest that he was pleased about the ticket. As Oscar would learn the next day, Mr. Bitterman was so upset by the ticket that he demanded that Maxwell have the vehicle removed from his driveway immediately.

Maxwell had Britney sit in the driver's seat while he pushed the Cutlass Supreme onto the street. He pushed it to a spot on the Sack's centre circle, directly opposite from where Mr. Bitterman was parked.

That's what was going on when Oscar called the second time.

***

Oscar called the Wonders' house again several hours later. It was his third call of the evening.

This time he said something more was happening in the Maxwell/Bitterman file. Looking out the window, a tow truck was engaged in lifting up Maxwell's Cutlass Supreme. Maxwell was nowhere to be seen.

Within minutes the Cutlass Supreme was fully in the tow truck's grip. A sign on the truck indicated that it was working under the auspices of the old town's parking control services.

***

On Friday afternoon, Oscar ran into Mr. Bitterman when each returned to their homes at the same time. Mr. Bitterman, according to Oscar, was in a jovial mood.

Apparently, Maxwell had left the Cutlass Supreme in the Sack and said he would be returning the next day with his cousin, Alfie. Apparently, Alfie can fix any kind of car, even with one hand tied behind his back.

Maxwell and Britney left the Bitterman home on Thursday evening along with Baby Maybe. They took a cab back to Britney's apartment.

Mr. Bitterman returned his own vehicle to its regular place on his driveway. But he was still steamed about the fifty-dollar ticket. Looking out his front window, he could easily see Maxwell's "bucket of bolts" in the middle of the Sack. Every minute of seeing it only increased his anger.

Several hours later he got the idea to call the peelers about Maxwell's "abandoned car."

***

When the peeler's arrived late on Thursday night, Mr. Bitterman argued that the car deserved to be towed away, rather than just receive a ticket. Eventually the peeler's agreed and a tow truck was called.

As of Friday afternoon, Mr. Bitterman had no idea if Maxwell was aware of the car's disappearance. He didn't know if Maxwell and his cousin Alfie had been back to work on the car during the morning. Quickly frankly, he said he didn't really care either way.

The key thing, he explained to Oscar, was that he had struck back at Maxwell without detection. Apparently, neither the peelers nor the towing company is permitted to identify the source of the parking complaint. Mr. Bitterman said he planned to deny any responsibility for the matter, if Maxwell or Britney accused him of blowing the whistle on the illegally-parked car.

***

So Maxwell finally obtained the illusive Cutlass Supreme only to lose it almost immediately.

Weed thinks it's a great irony that Mr. Bitterman would have a direct hand in making this happen. Just when it appears that Maxwell might be telling the truth about an employment opportunity, Mr. Bitterman has, at least temporarily, given Maxwell a setback that could prevent it from taking place. Weed says Maxwell is unlikely to have the resources to get the car back from the towing company.

This irony, according to Oscar, was certainly lost on Mr. Bitterman. Oscar said he has never seen Mr. Bitterman look so happy, as he described his decision to have the Cutlass Supreme towed away.

As we enter the holiday season, Oscar says we can look forward to some renewed shenanigans from Maxwell and the Bitterman clan.

He could be right about this.

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