Bitterman Blues

The spirit of the season is upon us. Goodwill toward others and so on.

Holiday cheer is certainly something we should aspire to. It's probably good to be purposeful about it. It lets us practice doing things we should be doing more of, anyway.

Generosity, kindness, fun and togetherness are some of these qualities. If you don't try to practice those things, at least once in a while, it's hard to get very good at it.

I think most people do their best to practice goodwill. Of course, sometimes it's hard to do.

The Bitterman family certainly knows how hard this can be sometimes.

***

It was about ten o'clock in the evening.

Mrs. Wonders and I were engaged in various kinds of mundane household activities. I was looking for the cap to my pen. It had fallen between my desk and a bookcase. Somewhere in this gap, it had lodged itself in a spaghetti-like mess of computer and printer cables.

Mrs. Wonders was sifting through the lights on our Christmas tree.

She'd heard on the news about a recall on such decorations. Apparently, a particular brand may explode into flames at any moment and put a terrible damper on your holiday season.

Mrs. Wonders wanted to know if we were "in the clear."

Although we were on different floors of the house, both of us gradually became aware of a persistent car horn out in the Sack. From our respective windows, we could see a domestic matter unfolding.

Another Bitterman meltdown was underway.

***

The Bitterman car was parked in the driveway with its lights on.

There was someone sitting in the car. This was the person leaning on the car horn. It turned out to be Mrs. Bitterman.

Mr. Bitterman was at the front door making a waving motion at his wife. It seemed like he wanted her to come inside. Clearly, she was having none of this.

***

Mr. Bitterman started down his front steps. It was bitterly cold outside and he wasn't wearing a coat or gloves.

His wife wouldn't open the driver's door. He went around to the passenger door, but she still wouldn't let him in. She just kept on honking the horn.

It looked like Mr. Bitterman was trying to talk to her through the passenger window. Eventually, she unlocked the door and he got in.

***

They stayed in the car together for a few minutes.

Finally, they both got out of the car. Mrs. Bitterman was dressed in a bathrobe and winter boots. She was wearing a toque on her head.

Mrs. Bitterman still seemed very upset. It looked like she was giving Mr. Bitterman a very big peace of her mind. He looked like he was just trying to calm her down. His arms were out and he had his palms down.

Eventually, she let him get closer and they walked slowly around the car together several times. Gradually, he took her gently by the arm. Then he steered her up the porch stairs and into the house.

***

Looking across the road, I could see silhouettes in a number of front windows. A good crowd had turned out for another episode of Sack street theatre.

Gordon had his hands on his hips. This means he's not very pleased about something, but isn't sure what to do about it.

Oscar could be seen with a phone to his ear. He was talking to Mrs. Wonders. She tells me he was giving her the "play-by-play" of the Bitterman affair.

He said Mrs. Bitterman was probably wearing a housecoat and winter boots because of her menopause. It has been making her sweat so much, Oscar thinks she just went outside to cool down for a while. She was just wearing the boots so her feet wouldn't get wet in the snow.

This doesn't, of course, explain the incessant horn or the toque.

***

No one is sure about what transpired at the Bitterman house. We can only guess what might have lead to the driveway scene.

Britney Bitterman, currently pregnant and involved with the employment-challenged Maxwell, was nowhere to be seen during the incident.

It was about half an hour later when she made her first appearance. A taxi arrived in front of the Bitterman residence and sat idling for a few minutes. Finally, the driver tooted his horn a few times. The front door of the house opened and Britney sprinted down the steps. She was carrying a small duffle bag with her.

Even from my vantage point, you could tell she wasn't in very good cheer.

***

It is likely that Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman have learned about Britney's pregnancy. Maybe they know about Maxwell, too.

At first, it seemed like Britney was leaving to stay somewhere else. But Oscar tells me he saw her in the Sack today. She went into the house, but he doesn't know if her parents were home. The Bitterman car certainly wasn't there.

Either way, a vaguely truthful story will soon emerge in the Sack. Norma goes to the same bingo night as Britney. Maybe she'll hear something there.

Oscar says he might open his side window if the temperature starts to go up. He lives next to the Bitterman family and likes to listen to them when the weather is warm. He says it's better than digital cable.

It's still very cold in the old town, so I don't think Oscar is likely to do this.

He also said he could try to chat up Mr. Bitterman the next time they meet on their driveways. But Oscar and Mr. Bitterman only have a "driveway relationship." Complaining about the weather is usually the most you can get from one of those. You're not likely to hear very much about someone's domestic woes.

***

So a Bitterman meltdown has occured. Oscar predicted this some time ago. He said it would happen before Christmas and he was right.

Of course, I won't remind Oscar about his prediction. I won't need to. He's always very good at reminding me of his predictions when they come to pass. When his predictions are wrong, he tends not to talk about it very much.

On a positive note, I am happy to report that our Christmas lights are not of the blowing up variety. Apparently, we are in the clear.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the Bitterman family.

***

Doug It, Baby

Snow is falling in the old town again.

It's dark out, but Sack kids are outside in full force cavorting in the snow. Many of the kids are wearing hooded snow suits. In the dimness of the early evening, they look like little spacemen as they run about the street. It's good to see them outdoors, instead of doing something warm and sedentary.

One of the kids is hiding behind Elizabeth's NDP election sign.

Fortunately for him, Elizabeth isn't home. He's using it as a shield as a furious snowball fight begins. In his excitement, he accidently knocks over the sign. The boy tries to put it back in the snow-covered ground, but the sign just topples over again.

Then a well-aimed snowball bounces off his left arm and the fallen election sign is quickly forgotten.

There will be heck to pay when Elizabeth gets home.

***

As promised, we must now review the candidates for the Doug of the Year Award.

***

Big Doug, of course, has continued to maintain a world-class lawn. He has accomplished this feat even though the old town is one of the few jurisdictions in North America to ban the use of pesticides.

Of course, there is nothing organic about Big Doug's grass. A veritable soup of pesticides and fertilizers has been spread across the expanse of his property.

So we must give Big Doug full marks for audacity in this year's competition.

***

Little Doug is the only two-time winner of the DOTY Award.

It has been an interesting year for Little Doug. He had two spectacular falls, both resulting in broken bones. This, alone, has provided us with no end of hilarity over the last three months.

Little Doug also had the distinction of sleeping through the Burning Manor fire. Despite the presence of three fire trucks, numerous peeler cars and the strong smell of smoke, this Doug didn't move a muscle.

That, my friends, is talent.

***

On the domestic front, Little Doug welcomed his daughter, Daisy and her boyfriend, Weed into his home. They were hoping to save money for a wedding and to make a down payment on a house.

So far, the arrangement has only lead to the perpetual smell of marijuana in Little Doug's garage.

In recent days, we've heard unconfirmed rumours that Daisy is pregnant. This is both good and bad news for Little Doug. He will be thrilled to be a grandfather, but it may mean that Daisy and Weed will be living there for a while longer.

Weed, of course, is now working at a call centre. This is a career move which is both uncharacteristic and implausible. As Oscar says, Weed's time at the call centre will end sooner, rather than later.

***

Sleeping through the Burning Manor fire is a fairly big achievement. But the broken bones and recent family shenanigans have to put Little Doug in good standing for the DOTY Award.

The sympathy factor should definitely help his chances.

***

It has been a quiet year for Computer Doug.

As the previous holder of the DOTY Award, he flew low on the radar screen for most of the year. In the fall, he started a new job. This brought an end to his frequent traveling days.

Oscar says Computer Doug's biggest achievement was in seeing The Rolling Stones three times during 2005. I suspect Oscar will try to push for a Computer Doug victory on this measure alone.

My position on The Rolling Stones is well known. Attending a Stones concert, in my estimation, only adds to the liability side of the DOTY balance sheet. Going three times should be a severe blow to Computer Doug's chances.

***

If there are grounds for a Computer Doug victory, it has to be for his Sasquatch slippers.

Few people would wear footwear like this, even in the privacy of their own homes. Even fewer would stroll about the neighbourhood in them.

Computer Doug's display of courage, therefore, may be his best asset in the quest for back-to-back DOTY Awards.

***

Finally, we turn our gaze to Rental Doug.

Rental Doug moved into the home previously occupied by a pair of CSIS spies. He brought his blended family with him.

So far, Rental Doug has proven to be a good neighbour. He was the first in the Sack to decorate for Halloween and Christmas. He also keeps the rental property in good repair. In the two shoveling days we've had, he has been the first person to shovel.

He actually shovels before Big Doug.

***

Oscar isn't fond of the kids from Rental Doug's blended family. He thinks they're a little bit "snarky." He could be right about this.

But I don't think we should hold this against Rental Doug in the DOTY Award deliberations. Besides, his kids haven't broken any tree branches yet. This should make up for some of the snarkiness.

***

Unfortunately, snarky kids are not the main focus of Oscar's position on Rental Doug. There is the small matter of Satan and Rental Doug's alleged relationship with the evil one.

Rental Doug lives in a home still owned by a minister. The owner was one of two church men who lived in the Sack for very short periods.

This has fueled Oscar's theory that Rental Doug is working for the Devil. Oscar's theory? The crafty Devil quickly spooked the ministers out of town and has now installed one of his own agents.

Aside from being an agent of the Devil, Oscar isn't quite sure what Rental Doug plans to do on behalf of his employer.

He just knows it can't be good for the Sack.

***

It's going to be very tough to choose a winner this year. I'm leaning toward Little Doug right now. Oscar seems set on Computer Doug.

It will be a very interesting decision. Far more interesting, I think, than our federal election.

***

Doug of the Year

The year is slowly coming to an end.

In the Sack, just like everywhere else, it's a time to reflect on the events of the previous twelve months.

But unlike everywhere else, it is also a time for a very particular reflection.

It is a time to give thought to the annual Doug of the Year award.

***

Oscar and I staged a conference in my front room on Saturday evening. We were equipped with drink suitable for the occasion.

Choosing the recipient of the Doug of the Year award requires a considerable amount of clarity, concentration and intellect. Mostly, however, it requires drink.

***

Oscar and I have been handing out the DOTY awards since 2000. That was the year we met. It has been a tradition ever since.

There isn't an actual award, of course. It's more of a title to be worn by a deserving Doug. It's similar to the Order of the British Empire or our country's Order of Canada. The only differences are, our award only lasts for a year and there is a lot less politics involved in the selection.

***

Sometimes the winner doesn't even find out about his victory.

If the victorious Doug happens to drop by our show during 2006, he will be duly informed of the honour. If he doesn't happen to drop by, he'll remain oblivious to the achievement.

It's a fairly casual award, I must say.

***

The DOTY is given to the most notable Doug in the Sack over the past twelve months. Notable can include a particularly memorable hijink, an endearing or odd quality, or a pattern of amusing behaviour. We're quite flexible in the overall criteria for the award.

This year's decision is expected to be very difficult. This is the first year we've had four Dougs to choose from. There were only three Dougs in the previous years.

Selecting an appropriate winner, as you can imagine, is a very big responsibility.

***

The task on this evening was to review the candidates and their escapades during the past year. We weren't going to make any decisions about the winner. It would be folly to make a decision in one evening.

This is only the preliminary phase of the selection process.

After Saturday, both of us will give deep and private consideration to each candidate. Our final decision is always made on Boxing Day. This is when Oscar holds his annual Boxing Day Brunch.

Debating this decision often causes Oscar to host a Boxing Day Dinner.

Prolonging the debate seems to be Oscar's way of extending the seasonal celebration.

***

In 2000, the first award was bestowed upon Doug That Moved.

He had moved away from the Sack in 1999. Oscar said that most awards are given to people posthumously. It's a way, he argued, to show respect for those who have passed on.

I'd never met Doug That Moved, so it was hard to argue against him.

***

Little Doug was the winner in 2001.

As the newest Doug, he brought a sense of freshness to the whole Doug scene. He was also very good at fixing things around the Sack, especially at our houses. This quality, alone, carried him a long way.

***

In 2002, Big Doug's carpet-like lawn lead him to victory.

When we witnessed him patiently measuring the length of his grass with a pocket ruler, we knew he would be a strong contender for the award. But using plutonium as a lawn fertilizer really put him over the top.

Big Doug's skill with a snow shovel was also noted.

***

Little Doug returned to the podium in 2003. A single event lead to his second DOTY honour.

Oscar and I went golfing one day with Gordon and Little Doug. During the game, Little Doug hit a nasty slice down the right side of the fairway. Gordon happened to be walking ahead. The ball hit him squarely on his left bum cheek.

Gordon started dancing in pain. He gave a spectacular performance with his frenetic rhythm, agility and imagination.

Little Doug was recognized as the choreographer of Gordon's riveting dance.

***

Last year, Computer Doug was an easy, unanimous choice. In 2004, he managed to attend eight major concerts in three different cities. This included seeing U2 twice.

Prior to seeing the Stones this year, Oscar had been unsuccessful in getting away to a concert for ten years. Computer Doug managed his concert feat despite having a spouse and two very young children.

During 2004, Computer Doug was travelling in his job almost constantly. In accepting the DOTY honour, he said he had no choice but to find ways to be entertained while he was on the road. Going to the concerts, he claimed, was the least he could do.

***

Throughout the evening, Oscar and I considered each candidate very carefully.

Not surprisingly, he was quick to dismiss Rental Doug's chances for the award. Oscar said he would be very reluctant to give such an honour to one of Satan's soldiers.

I pointed out that even Time Magazine has named a scoundrel as its Person of the Year. In the end, he agreed to give Rental Doug due consideration.

***

In the coming week, we'll give a detailed review of each Doug and their chances for the DOTY award.

Writing things down often makes a tough decision a little bit easier.

***

Snow Surprise

It was like a circus in the Sack this morning.

The street was alive with movement. People were shoveling, kids were playing and cars were moving back and forth. Every now and then, a snow plow would come by and add to the mountain of snow piled in the Sack's centre circle.

It was a sunny morning, but still quite cold. With all the activity and the beauty of the snow, it was like a winter wonderland.

I could still do without the shoveling, though.

***

Big Doug was not the first person to finish shoveling today. This was a very big surprise.

By five-thirty in the morning, Rental Doug had neatly shoveled his driveway and drove off in his car. Oscar says only someone doing the devil's business would be up at such an hour on a Saturday.

Big Doug was the second person to start shoveling. He started at about eight o'clock and spent almost the entire morning shoveling. It was almost like he was savouring every moment.

By the time he had finished, the snow banks had clean, even lines. Big Doug's two vehicles were gleaming in the sun. There wasn't a drop of snow left on them.

It was a masterful job.

***

As usual, Gordon was the second person to start shoveling. When Big Doug starts shoveling, Gordon will make an appearance within minutes.

Within the hour, almost everyone else was outside shoveling. Conspicuous by his absence was Oscar. His wife, G.W. was shoveling their driveway, with some reluctant help from their son, Dorian.

Oscar eventually arrived by car. Apparently, he had left the car somewhere else last night because of the road conditions. He arrived with a several trays of coffee from the local donut emporium.

Oscar told me he took his "sweet time" getting back. He was hoping G.W. and Dorian would be finished by the time he got back. Unfortunately, they were only half finished. Oscar thinks they worked slowly on purpose, so he would still have to shovel.

Oscar is a big fan of letting snow melt.

***

Over hot coffee, I took a break to catch up with Oscar. He was in no hurry to start shoveling. Besides that, he wanted to tell me some very interesting news.

There is another pregnancy in the Sack.

It's the second news of a pregnancy in the last three weeks. Britney Bitterman, of course, is in a family way, courtesy of a local hood named Maxwell.

This time, the mother to be is rumoured to be Little Doug's daughter, Daisy. That's right, Weed is going to be a father.

***

This news, according to Oscar, is still not confirmed, but he thinks it's probably true.

It would certainly explain why Weed has suddenly taken to working for a call centre.

***

Sack kids made a bee-line to the mountain of snow in the Sack's centre circle.

A crudely constructed snow fort soon appeared at the top of the mountain. This became Snowball Central for the balance of the day. Dorian, Tremayne and Jimbo were tucked inside the tower taking aim at anyone within striking distance.

Young Doo was released from his home later than the other kids. Florence tells me he had been grounded by his mother for painting something that didn't need painting.

He made straight for the tower and was immediately pelted by snowballs. Undeterred, he made straight for the top again. This time, the other kids let him get to the top before pushing him back down the slope. They did this about three times before they let him in.

The mountain of snow made it very easy to touch the branches of the surrounding trees. Within minutes of making it to the top of Snow Central, Doo had broken his third Sack tree branch.

***

When confronted by several Sack adults, including Gordon, Doo claimed that he'd had the best of intentions. He said he wanted to use a branch for a flag pole at the top of the mountain.

Regrettably, Doo had a lot of trouble pronouncing "flag pole." There was a bit of a misunderstanding with Gordon about this. Fortunately, I was able to act as an interpreter on Doo's behalf.

Given everyone's cheery mood and the energy boost that comes from shoveling, Doo was let off with another stern lecture. He promised he would never "bake" another "banch."

It was his most convincing pledge since the last time he swore never to break another branch.

***

Computer Doug eventually appeared. Everyone else, including his wife, had been shoveling for well over an hour.

He walked down his newly-shoveled steps and surveyed the snow-covered landscape. He shook his head a few times and then frowned. Finally, he picked up a shovel and began to work.

About five minutes later, he stopped working and looked over at me.

"Well," he said, as he leaned on his shovel, "the novelty of snow has officially worn off."

***

The reconstruction of Burning Manor has probably been set back again. There is a lot of accumulated snow on the half-finished frame. There were also very high winds last night and it looks like a portion of the back wall has been loosened.

The construction crew will undoubtedly get things back on track. When Burning Manor officially reopens, it will surely become a steady source of shenanigans.

In the meantime, there is no shortage of surprising things going on in this snow-filled little cul de sac.

But I could still do without the shoveling.

***

Dim the Lights

Jackpot.

Big Doug is entering snow heaven. After a snowless November, the old town is getting hit with what's known as a "weather bomb." This, I'm told, is when two nasty weather systems collide. The result is snow and lots of it.

Environment Canada, the national weather people, say the old town can expect up to twenty-five centimetres of snow. This is the kind of snow Big Doug can really sink his shovel into.

***

Yuletide spirit is sadly lacking in the Sack this year, if the number of homes with Christmas lights is a fair barometer.

Among the twenty-five houses in the Sack, only five have Christmas lights. Oddly, four of these homes have nothing but white ones. The Wonders' place is the only home with coloured lights.

It was only a few years ago that almost every house was shining with lights during the holiday season. People used to drive into the Sack just to look at them.

Gordon thinks the decline in lights is because of the fire at Burning Manor. But he can't seem to explain his reasoning for this. He just knows it's Dirk and Dora's fault.

***

Gordon, of course, has Christmas lights on his house. He also has two mechanical reindeer cavorting on his lawn.

Elizabeth put her lights up several weeks ago. But she still hasn't turned them on. I don't know what to make of this.

***

Surprisingly, the Bitterman family now has Christmas lights. I noticed this today.

Oscar says Mr. Bitterman put them up this morning. He thinks Mr. Bitterman's gall bladder must be in better shape now.

It's also proof, he adds, that Britney hasn't told her folks about the pregnancy matter or her new mate, Maxwell.

***

Oscar hasn't put up any Christmas lights.

He says his lights are buried somewhere in the depths of his garage. Finding them, Oscar claims, would require a government-funded expeditionary force.

He really does have a garage filled to the rafters with odd and unusual items. If you ever need a female mannequin or an old dentist's chair, Oscar would be the one to call.

He thinks a homeless person may have actually lived in his garage during the winter a few years ago. It was either that, Oscar says, or a family of raccoons. He's not really sure which it might have been.

***

Little Doug usually puts up his Christmas lights.

He decided not to do it this year. In the last few months, Little Doug has broken a few ribs and his wrist in separate household mishaps.

He says he doesn't want to push his luck. This is probably a good idea.

***

Computer Doug hasn't put his lights up yet, either. If it was up to him, it would probably stay that way. He's not a big fan of doing house-related tasks. He's just not oriented that way.

There's nothing wrong with that at all, in my opinion. But Computer Doug's wife is oriented that way. So they bump heads about this kind of thing quite often.

Computer Doug's lights should be up by the end of this weekend.

***

Burning Manor, of course, has never been adorned with Christmas lights.

The only flashing, coloured lights ever to shine on Burning Manor came from peeler cars and fire trucks.

Oscar and I were looking at the construction site of the new Burning Manor earlier this evening. They've just about finished framing the main floor. Oscar thinks it would be amusing to put up some Christmas lights on the half-built home. There's even a power connection available for it, he says.

As amusing as this might be, I told Oscar it would be best for us to leave someone else's property alone. People can be funny about this kind of thing. Dirk probably wouldn't notice lights, but Dora certainly would. I have no interest in messing with Dora. Dora bites.

Oscar says he's going to send a message to the Sack Resident's Society email group. He's going to find out what people think about putting Christmas lights on Dirk's Erection.

***

Thankfully, the power keeps going off as the storm intensifies. This will make it hard for Oscar to send his email query. With luck, he might forget about it by tomorrow.

Meanwhile, the snowfall is very heavy. It's thick, heavy snow and it's accumulating on the trees. I'm afraid some of the trees in our backyard will lose some of their branches from the heavy snow. We have enough to contend with, in that area, by having Doo around.

Big Doug is undoubtedly sleeping right now. He has a big day ahead of him on Saturday.

I expect his driveway to be immaculate before I get up tomorrow.

***

It is now very early on Saturday morning. The power was off all night because of the storm. In addition to heavy snow, we had thunder and lightning. It was a very weird combination.

There is a lot of snow, possibly more than forecasted. Big Doug isn't up yet, but he certainly will be soon.

The shovels will be flying in the Sack today.

***

Hump Day Tales

Another cold, but snowless day passes by in the Sack.

***

Oscar continues to refer to the regrowth of Burning Manor as "Dirk's Erection."

He was already admonished for saying this on the Sack Resident's Society's email group. This has only encouraged him to continue with it.

During an impromptu gathering at the curb today, Oscar used the phrase in front of Florence, Elizabeth and Little Doug. Florence covered her mouth for a moment and then started laughing. Elizabeth looked like she'd just been punched in the stomach. Little Doug wasn't sure what to do, at first. Then he started coughing and stumbled home.

***

Weed has a new job.

After weeks of recovery from his last work gig, he has taken a job at a dreaded call centre. Oscar doesn't think Weed will last there past January.

It was very surprising to hear this about Weed. Structure is not something he's very comfortable with. He prefers things to be flexible and with a low tempo. Multitasking, in Weed's world, is smoking pot and drinking beer at the same time. Goals are something scored in a hockey game. Achievement means growing a potent marijuana plant.

I think Oscar is probably right.

***

Oscar and I spoke briefly with Weed yesterday afternoon. He pulled his car up beside us while we stood at the curb.

He was returning from his new job. It was his third day.

Weed was wearing a wrinkled white shirt under a jean jacket, along with a pair of black pants. On his feet were brown shoes. His tie was silver with purple stripes. I'm pretty sure it was the clip-on type. He said he borrowed it from Little Doug.

Weed says he's been "in training" all week. He's been sitting in a classroom every day learning about "some electronic stuff."

Weed looked defeated, as well as very stoned.

***

Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's new beau, has made his first appearance in the Sack. In addition to being her new man, he is also reputed to be the father of her unborn child.

Oscar has taken to calling him Maxwell Ne'er-do-well. It makes him sound slightly foreign and exotic, Oscar says.

Outside of going to prison, I'd be surprised if Maxwell has even been outside of the old town.

***

Britney and Maxwell were spotted by Norma during the day yesterday.

Norma and her husband, Ben are now home from Edmonton. Her ninety-eight year-old grandmother passed away last week.

Norma said the couple walked up the middle of the street together. They were holding hands and heading toward the Bitterman house.

Norma didn't think anyone else was a home at the Bitterman house. Britney's parents were probably at work. Her brother, Jason is away somewhere selling Christmas trees.

This has lead to speculation about whether Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman know about Britney's pregnancy and the existence of Maxwell N'er-do-well.

***

Oscar says 2006 is shaping up to be a banner year in the Sack.

"We may see a wedding, if Weed and Daisy can get things together." he said. "We'll also see a major explosion when the Bitterman's meet their new son-in-law and their new grand-child."

"Finally, and most importantly, we'll get to see the grand unveiling of Dirk's Erection."

***

Of Wreaths and Mysteries

There was no joy in Snowville for Big Doug over the last few days.

It snowed, of course, but only enough to cover lawns, roofs and windshields.

Big Doug's only salvation was the black ice on his driveway. There was just enough for him to spread sand around with a practiced hand. Sadly, this only took a few minutes.

Mother Nature continues to mock Big Doug and his snow shoveling ways.

***

Young Doo knocked upon my door last night.

He was delivering the "Kissmas weef", I purchased from him a few weeks ago. It was part of a fundraising effort for his swimming club.

Doo noticed the existing decorative wreath Mrs. Wonders had already placed on our front door. He wondered what we were going to do with the new wreath, since we already "gotz one."

Mrs. Wonders had already asked me the same thing. Thankfully, she didn't say gotz.

***

I stepped out on the porch and took the new wreath from Doo. I placed it on my head and gave him a very serious look.

"This one," I said, "is going to be my Christmas hat."

***

Doo thought this was very funny, indeed.

He had one remaining wreath to deliver, so he took this out of its bag. Then he positioned the wreath on his head in the same fashion as mine.

As we stood on my porch with our new Christmas hats, Elizabeth happened to drive into the Sack.

As she passed us, she slowed down for a moment and gave us a very suspicious look. This, I believe, is what typically happens when one associates with Doo.

***

Doo wandered off to make his final wreath delivery.

I watched him as skipped through the Sack's centre circle toward his next target. He eventually arrived at Gordon's house and rang the doorbell.

He was still wearing Gordon's new wreath on his head.

***

Several hours later, the irony of my wreath purchase suddenly became clear.

Doo has broken two tree branches in the Sack during the past month. I had just given him fifteen dollars for what is essentially a tree branch.

Little bugger.

***

After much thought, Oscar believes he has solved the mystery of the low-fat, blueberry muffin.

The muffin was found at the bottom of the Wonders' driveway on Sunday morning. Since we live in a cul de sac, cut off from the rest of society, such events bring us great amusement.

Firstly, Oscar says the muffin was placed on the wrong driveway. He thinks it was really meant to be left on his driveway.

"A woman placed it there," he opined, "and let her emotions get in the way of her concentration."

***

Secondly, he thinks the muffin is really a metaphor, rather than a simple baked item.

"It's a symbolic message." he said confidently.

"And what's the message?" I asked.

"Someone in the Sack," he said with pride, "thinks I'm a stud muffin."

***

It has started to snow again in the old town. Again, the forecast is only calling for a few centimetres. It's nothing for Big Doug to get excited about.

Mrs. Wonders is decorating our new wreath. We still don't know where we're going to put it.

I'm going to brew some coffee and then join her. We might even have a little snack with our coffee.

We might even have some muffins.

***

Before the Snow Flies

The weather forecast is calling for up to five centimetres of snow in the old town tonight.

This is but a mere dusting of snow.

Nevertheless, Big Doug is in standby mode. His shovels remain primed and ready for action.

The tension is mounting with every passing hour.

***

Young Doo has flatly denied any responsibility in the case of the third broken tree branch in the Sack's centre circle.

He finally emerged from hiding yesterday and was immediately cornered by Gordon, lord of the Sack and all of its trees.

Doo maintained complete innocence under persistent questioning. In his own defense, he exclaimed:

"I nebber did nuffin!"

***

"Nuffin," of course, rhymes with muffin, and that's exactly what I found at the bottom of my driveway this morning.

It was a whole muffin, seemingly in perfect condition and without a single bite taken from it.

The origins of the muffin and how it found its way to the Wonders' driveway remains a mystery. It's common for miscellaneous bits of garbage to land on the street after the old town's waste management professionals have made their weekly visit. But garbage collection was on Friday and the muffin wasn't there on Saturday.

It is all very perplexing.

***

I have no expertise on the subject of baked goods.

Mrs. Wonders, who does know about such things, tells me the mystery item appears to be a low-fat, blueberry muffin.

Oscar says I should send an email to the members of the Sack Resident's Society about this matter. He says this is exactly the kind of dilemma the email group was set up for.

Mrs. Wonders thinks my time might be better spent putting Christmas lights up, constructing a holiday budget and helping her to decorate the Christmas tree.

She's probably right about these priorities. But I'm finding the muffin mystery to be far more compelling.

***

Speaking of Oscar, I ran into him at the local market yesterday. He was there to buy salt. I was there to buy pepper. Who could've predicted that?

"Have you noticed, by any chance," he said, "the numbers on Rental Doug's license plate?"

Oscar continues to float the ludicrous notion that Rental Doug is somehow connected to the Devil. His theory is based on the fact that two different ministers bought homes in the Sack and then quickly moved away. Rental Doug now lives in a home once occupied by one of the ministers.

"No," I replied, "I can't say I've paid much attention to his license plate."

Oscar quickly looked around the market as if we were surrounded in a den of spies. Then he leaned closer to me and said quietly, "His last three numbers are 668."

***

"And what, in the name of heaven, does that have to do with anything?" I replied.

Oscar gave me a pitiful look. "The Devil is known by the digits, 666, right?"

"If you say so." I said.

"Well, if Rental Doug is 668, then you know what that means."

"Nope, I don't think I do." I answered.

Impatience fell over his face. "If he's 668, then he's the Neighbour of the Beast."

"Ah." I said. "Of course, he is."

***

We would be remiss if we did not provide an update on Oscar's man boob eradication project.

He recently discovered that his breasts were beginning to take on female-like proportions. Dismayed at this discovery, Oscar was committed to twenty push-ups a day to return to his previous, more masculine form.

Unfortunately, he discovered he'd bitten off more than he could chew in the push-up department. The best he could manage were six push-ups at a time.

***

Oscar now reports that he has suspended the push-up program for the rest of the holiday season.

He managed to do the push-ups on three occasions over the last two weeks. He said he was too busy with other important matters to do them more often.

During his last attempt at the exercise, Oscar said he collapsed on his basement carpet after setting a "personal best" of seven complete push-ups. He remained prone on the carpet for a few minutes, trying to regain his energy. Somehow, he fell asleep for over an hour.

He awoke only after the persistent ringing of his cell phone. It was his wife, B.W. calling. Oscar was supposed to pick her up from work about fifteen minutes earlier.

***

Oscar said the man boob eradication program is still in effect, even though the exercise component has been suspended. Effective immediately, he is "off bread of any kind."

I noticed a package of donuts in his shopping cart, but I didn't say anything to him about it.

***

As we end today's Sack news, I see that snow is starting to fall in a very gentle way. It's not staying on the ground, but it's accumulating on the windshields of the parked cars.

Through the falling snow, I take a quick glance over at Big Doug's house. It's dark out, and there is only a pale light in his front window. I think I can see the shadow of his large frame standing in the window, but I'm not sure. It could simply be an illusion or my mind getting the best of me.

But even if he's not standing in his window watching the snow, I know where he will be. He'll be in his garage getting "suited up" for shoveling.

If he does go out, even to just clean off his windshield, I think I might go outside as well. I have no interest in the snow, of course. I just wouldn't mind having a chat with Big Doug.

He might be a witness in the muffin mystery. I could break the case wide open.

***

Dirka, Dirka

Burning Manor continues to rise again.

The main floor is partially finished. The weather has been much better this week, but work is still proceeding slowly.

The workers are hampered by the absence of any blueprints as they try to rebuild the house to its original layout. The only way they can do this is by looking inside similar homes in the Sack. If they can take measurements in these homes, they say it really helps.

Elizabeth's house is identical to Burning Manor. Unfortunately, she won't let them in her house. She has sworn not to do anything that might benefit Dirk and Dora.

The foreman on the construction crew told me Elizabeth was the second nastiest person he'd met since the project started.

The nastiest person so far? According to the foreman, that would be Dora.

***

Oscar is in the dog house with a few sensitive Sack residents.

Gordon has set up an email group for the Sack Resident's Society. It's supposed to enhance communication and facilitate the dissemination of information. That's what Gordon said in his introductory email.

Oscar sent his first email to the group yesterday. In his message, he wrote:

"Boy, Dirk's erection is getting bigger every day."

"Dirk's Erection" is what Oscar calls the partially rebuilt shell of Burning Manor.

***

Britney Bitterman has now been seen in the company of this character named Maxwell.

Little Doug reports he saw the two of them walking together at the local mall. He said they were holding hands as they walked along.

He also said Britney was "tearing a blue strip" off the loutish Maxwell.

Oscar says he doesn't think this whole matter will end well. I think he could be right.

***

I'm also told that Maxwell is not quite as idle as originally described.

Apparently, he identifies his occupation as a painter. He's the kind of painter who works on the interiors and exteriors of homes, not the artistic type.

He doesn't work for any particular company. In fact, he's not working at all, right now. But when he's in the mood for labour, painting is what he does.

On a positive note, Oscar tells me that Maxwell is supposed to be very good at bowling.

***

Gordon has never met Maxwell, but he has an opinion about the young guy already.

"He sounds like a young Dirk," Gordon said, "without a steady job."

***

Dirk and Dora continue to be on Gordon's mind.

Apparently, he gleaned some information about the insurance end of the Burning Manor affair. He says Dirk is only getting the bare minimum to replace the house.

Gordon's worried that Dirk will only have enough money to put the house up and nothing left for any landscaping. He thinks the outside will remain a pile of mud and debris.

Oscar thinks Gordon should take up bowling. It'll keep him busy, Oscar says, and soothe his mind.

I think he could be right.

***

Pyjama Man

The old town has yet to see snow this year.

It's the first time in recent memory without any white stuff before December. Big Doug, king of the shovelers, doesn't know what to do with himself. He's in uncharted territory; he can't do any lawn maintenance and he can't shovel.

He's in no man's land. It must be driving him insane.

***

Wednesday morning finds your Sack reporter driving to work.

I had only traveled about a kilometre, when I saw something very interesting.

Oscar was walking along the side of the road, carrying a large paper shopping bag. He was wearing a brown leather jacket and a pair of loafers without socks. Besides the jacket and loafers, Oscar was wearing a complete set of pyjamas.

***

The pyjamas were a pale white with a varied snowflake design. Flannel would be my best guess.

***

Quickly, I pulled over to the curb. Oscar got in the car immediately.

"Thanks." he said calmly.

***

Oscar had driven his wife, G.W., to work. It's his custom to do this in his pyjamas. She only works about three kilometres away.

He said pyjamas are very comfortable to drive in. Until now, he added, there had been no problems with wearing them.

On this day, however, Oscar's car broke down on the way home. Luckily, he was very close to a service station. Unluckily, he had to leave the car there until it could be repaired.

***

Oscar said he couldn't get a ride from anyone at the service station. They were too busy.

He considered taking a taxi, but he left his wallet at home. The wallet wouldn't have helped him anyway, Oscar admitted. He didn't have any money in it.

So Oscar decided to walk home. His son, Dorian was still sleeping at home. Oscar had to get back to send the lad off to school.

"That's how the routine normally works." he said.

***

I asked him why he didn't try hitch hiking.

Oscar looked at me with a smirk and pointed at his pyjamas.

"C'mon, that would've looked pretty stupid, wouldn't it?"

***

Protruding from Oscar's shopping bag was Santa Claus.

More specifically, it was Santa's smiling face on a large plastic Christmas decoration meant for Oscar's front door.

G.W. had bought it the day before, but left it in the car by mistake. Oscar was responsible for putting it up that day.

She would have been very displeased if he'd left it in the car.

***

Oscar tried very hard to convince me to take the day off work.

Admittedly, it was a beautiful morning in the old town. It was sunny and mild, with only the hint of a breeze.

It wasn't mild enough to walk around in your pyjamas, of course, but it was still a very nice day.

***

"Listen," Oscar said, "we could go out for breakfast."

Oscar knows that I have fondness for a restaurant breakfast. He's a big fan of this too. We both agree that breakfast can be the best meal of the day, when you have the time for it.

Despite his earnest nudging, I told him I must go to work. I had too many commitments to play hooky today.

"Look at it out there." he said, pointing out the window as I drove him home. "You'd be crazy if you went to work on a day like this."

"Crazy?" I replied, looking Oscar up and down. "Who's walking down the street in his pyjamas, carrying a Santa head?"

Oscar paused for a moment and then said, "You might have a point there."

***

Speaking of the holiday season, Gordon has placed two mechanized reindeer on his front lawn. The reindeer are made of thick wire and are covered in white Christmas lights.

Each reindeer holds a different pose. Both have heads that slowly move up and down.

Gordon puts out his reindeer every year.

***

Several hours after Gordon had finished with the careful positioning of the reindeer, Oscar left a little surprise for him.

Under the cover of darkness, he repositioned one of the reindeer. Now it was slowly and repeatedly putting its nose into the hindquarters of the other reindeer.

***

Gordon wasn't upset when he discovered Oscar's work the next day. In fact, he wasn't even surprised.

Oscar does this to Gordon's reindeer every year.

***

Finally, I learned something very interesting the other day. Elizabeth, of all people, is a socialist.

Well, maybe not a real socialist. But she does support the New Democratic Party, Canada's largest left-of-centre political party.

Elizabeth has a big NDP sign on her front lawn. The federal election was announced this week. It will be held on January 23.

***

I plan to keep track of the election signs which go up in the Sack over the coming weeks. Maybe, these numbers will reflect the outcome of the election across the country.

So far, the social democrats, as the NDP refers to itself these days, are winning the race by one vote. Elizabeth's sign is the only one in the Sack, so far.

***

If the current result holds and it does reflect the rest of the country's mood, Canada will soon be known as the People's Social Democratic Republic of Canada.

Of course, that would be crazy.

But when I see Oscar walking about in his pyjamas, loafers and a Santa head, I suppose anything is possible.

***