Doug It, Baby

Snow is falling in the old town again.

It's dark out, but Sack kids are outside in full force cavorting in the snow. Many of the kids are wearing hooded snow suits. In the dimness of the early evening, they look like little spacemen as they run about the street. It's good to see them outdoors, instead of doing something warm and sedentary.

One of the kids is hiding behind Elizabeth's NDP election sign.

Fortunately for him, Elizabeth isn't home. He's using it as a shield as a furious snowball fight begins. In his excitement, he accidently knocks over the sign. The boy tries to put it back in the snow-covered ground, but the sign just topples over again.

Then a well-aimed snowball bounces off his left arm and the fallen election sign is quickly forgotten.

There will be heck to pay when Elizabeth gets home.

***

As promised, we must now review the candidates for the Doug of the Year Award.

***

Big Doug, of course, has continued to maintain a world-class lawn. He has accomplished this feat even though the old town is one of the few jurisdictions in North America to ban the use of pesticides.

Of course, there is nothing organic about Big Doug's grass. A veritable soup of pesticides and fertilizers has been spread across the expanse of his property.

So we must give Big Doug full marks for audacity in this year's competition.

***

Little Doug is the only two-time winner of the DOTY Award.

It has been an interesting year for Little Doug. He had two spectacular falls, both resulting in broken bones. This, alone, has provided us with no end of hilarity over the last three months.

Little Doug also had the distinction of sleeping through the Burning Manor fire. Despite the presence of three fire trucks, numerous peeler cars and the strong smell of smoke, this Doug didn't move a muscle.

That, my friends, is talent.

***

On the domestic front, Little Doug welcomed his daughter, Daisy and her boyfriend, Weed into his home. They were hoping to save money for a wedding and to make a down payment on a house.

So far, the arrangement has only lead to the perpetual smell of marijuana in Little Doug's garage.

In recent days, we've heard unconfirmed rumours that Daisy is pregnant. This is both good and bad news for Little Doug. He will be thrilled to be a grandfather, but it may mean that Daisy and Weed will be living there for a while longer.

Weed, of course, is now working at a call centre. This is a career move which is both uncharacteristic and implausible. As Oscar says, Weed's time at the call centre will end sooner, rather than later.

***

Sleeping through the Burning Manor fire is a fairly big achievement. But the broken bones and recent family shenanigans have to put Little Doug in good standing for the DOTY Award.

The sympathy factor should definitely help his chances.

***

It has been a quiet year for Computer Doug.

As the previous holder of the DOTY Award, he flew low on the radar screen for most of the year. In the fall, he started a new job. This brought an end to his frequent traveling days.

Oscar says Computer Doug's biggest achievement was in seeing The Rolling Stones three times during 2005. I suspect Oscar will try to push for a Computer Doug victory on this measure alone.

My position on The Rolling Stones is well known. Attending a Stones concert, in my estimation, only adds to the liability side of the DOTY balance sheet. Going three times should be a severe blow to Computer Doug's chances.

***

If there are grounds for a Computer Doug victory, it has to be for his Sasquatch slippers.

Few people would wear footwear like this, even in the privacy of their own homes. Even fewer would stroll about the neighbourhood in them.

Computer Doug's display of courage, therefore, may be his best asset in the quest for back-to-back DOTY Awards.

***

Finally, we turn our gaze to Rental Doug.

Rental Doug moved into the home previously occupied by a pair of CSIS spies. He brought his blended family with him.

So far, Rental Doug has proven to be a good neighbour. He was the first in the Sack to decorate for Halloween and Christmas. He also keeps the rental property in good repair. In the two shoveling days we've had, he has been the first person to shovel.

He actually shovels before Big Doug.

***

Oscar isn't fond of the kids from Rental Doug's blended family. He thinks they're a little bit "snarky." He could be right about this.

But I don't think we should hold this against Rental Doug in the DOTY Award deliberations. Besides, his kids haven't broken any tree branches yet. This should make up for some of the snarkiness.

***

Unfortunately, snarky kids are not the main focus of Oscar's position on Rental Doug. There is the small matter of Satan and Rental Doug's alleged relationship with the evil one.

Rental Doug lives in a home still owned by a minister. The owner was one of two church men who lived in the Sack for very short periods.

This has fueled Oscar's theory that Rental Doug is working for the Devil. Oscar's theory? The crafty Devil quickly spooked the ministers out of town and has now installed one of his own agents.

Aside from being an agent of the Devil, Oscar isn't quite sure what Rental Doug plans to do on behalf of his employer.

He just knows it can't be good for the Sack.

***

It's going to be very tough to choose a winner this year. I'm leaning toward Little Doug right now. Oscar seems set on Computer Doug.

It will be a very interesting decision. Far more interesting, I think, than our federal election.

***