That's the best way to look at the Doug of Year award, since all Dougs are champions in their own unique way.
After all, the Dougs of the world are just doing the best they can, in the best way they know how, in a difficult world.
***
Boxing Day brunch had just been consumed at Oscar's place.
Dishes were cleared from the table, sleeves were rolled up and mugs were refilled. It was time to make a decision on the annual Doug of the Year award.
First, in alphabetical order, we reviewed the honourable nominees . . .
***
Big Doug was a model of consistency this year. He maintained the Sack's best lawn once again, despite a continued challenge from Gordon. His snow removal prowess remains unparalleled, even though Rental Doug is showing early signs of aggressiveness in this area.
Notable Achievements: Distributed promotional ballpoint pens to Cuban resort workers to minimize the impact of the U.S. trade embargo; slipped through the grasp of plutonium-hunting CSIS spies who lived in the Sack's rental house until August; recent acquisition of professional-style shovelling gloves.
Regrettable Moment: Purposeful decision to refrain from putting up Christmas lights. Fake electric candles just don't cut it, Oscar says.
***
Computer Doug maintained a subtle profile in the Sack this year. Just when he seemed to fall off the radar screen, he would gently remind everyone of his presence. If anything, Computer Doug firmly established his position as the person least likely to be asked for advice on a home maintenance matter.
Notable Achievements: Attended three concerts by The Rolling Stones in one year; ownership of Sasquatch slippers and willingness to wear same in public; one of only two Sack people (Oscar was the other) to watch the Burning Manor fire in his pyjamas; displays of encyclopaedic knowledge relating to rock music; accidently cut the electrical cord on his lawn mower twice in one year; buys his clothing on eBay.
Regrettable Moment: Attended three Stones concerts in one year.
***
Little Doug proved himself to be a very unpredictable character this year. Each of the other Dougs seems to have a common theme behind his achievements. Big Doug is fastidious about his property, Computer Doug has a nerdish side and abhors manual labour, and Rental Doug has that whole Satan thing going on. With Little Doug, however, one just can't predict what he'll do next.
Notable Achievements: Suffered two spectacular household falls, resulting in two separate broken bones; successfully uses realistic coughing fits to separate self from undesired situations or conversations; first among Sack people to serve turducken for Christmas dinner; annoyed Gordon by leaving a mess in his side yard; calmly accepted possibility that daughter, Daisy and prospective son-in-law, Weed will live in his house for another year.
Regrettable Moment: Laughing uproariously when a sausage fell into the lap of a lesbian resident at the second Sack Resident's Society meeting.
***
Rental Doug has only four months of Sack time under his belt, but his reputed Satanic connections have magnified his presence considerably.
Notable Achievements: According to Oscar, he occupies an executive position within the Devil's corporate structure; first to put up Halloween and Christmas decorations; first to shovel after both of this year's snowstorms; home maintenance and beautification efforts have already exceeded previous tenants.
Regrettable Moment: Snarky kids, although one would imagine your kids would be snarky, if you were working for Satan, too.
***
And finally, a winner was determined . . .
It was Rental Doug.
The debate raged for five hours, but a scheduling problem forced the matter to a coin toss. Oscar agreed to a simple, single game of chance, with Big Doug and Rental Doug as the finalists.
Rental Doug won.
In every way, aside from the Satanic connection, Rental Doug was quite undistinguished. But Oscar was unwillingly to budge from his support for the newest of the Dougs. He was steadfast in his desire to lure Rental Doug into our midst by granting him the DOTY award. Oscar thinks this will be his best hope to learn about Satan's plans for the Sack.
A passionate case was made for Big Doug, but Oscar hardly flinched. A last ditch effort was made to make Little Doug the "compromise" winner, but by that time, Oscar had his fingers in his ears.
***
Time ran out on further debate because of a hockey game.
The World Junior Hockey Championships are always held at this time of year. It is a tradition for many in Canuckistan to gather together to watch the games on television. It was Canada's opening game on Boxing Day (Boxing Night?), so observation was mandatory. Matters like the DOTY must be resolved before full attention can be given to the tournament.
Americans may love their holiday college football, but Canada is the only country in the world where the highest television ratings of the holiday season come from watching teenagers play hockey.
***
So, Rental Doug has profited from our hockey affliction by winning his first DOTY award.
I'm starting to think this is exactly the way the Devil planned it.
***
*The Dodo in Alice in Wonderland.
3 comments:
So the old joke is true:
I went out on Boxing night, and a hockey game broke out.
That's how it goes, right?
Yeharr.
ps: The Big doug supporters south of the border demand a recount. Satan shouldn't factor in to the decision unless Satan's name is Doug.
I wonder if George Foreman's family has GOTY awards.
BP: You got it right -- it was either Rodney Dangerfield or Don Rickles that came up with that one. Unfortunately, sometimes it's true.
Conspiracy theories abound regarding the DOTY outcome. Apparently, some guy named Karl Rove was seen at Oscar's place. I found a hanging chad on my driveway the other day, too. Hmmmm ...
Jessica: Good old George F. -- I went to a boxing match of his and a cookout broke out! Didn't he name all of his kids, George? Of course, the GOTY awards could be some kind of Mafia thing, too.
Cheers!
Post a Comment