Hard Day at the Orifice

Sunday is always a grand day in the old town.

The province remains as one of the only jurisdictions that does not allow Sunday shopping. Restaurants, bars and cafes are open, of course. So are most places of necessity. Businesses which attract tourists are also open. But anything associated with significant shopping is closed.

The Sunday shopping issue continues to be controversial. The last referendum on the matter was very close. The law will probably change some day.

But Sunday remains a day for doing something other than major consumer activities. It's a time for chatter, blather or simple meditation. You can putter, get rid of clutter or lie about in a prone position. If you prefer, you can hang out in a cafe, spend time with your family or avoid them entirely.

If it suits you, you can spend some time with your God or just take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. You can even do both.

Whatever you do, it's really up to you.

***

Sunday in the Sack is usually a very quiet affair. Sometimes you can almost see a clump of tumbleweed drifting aimlessly through the street.

On this Sunday, Oscar and I take a casual stroll outside of the Sack. Oscar is wearing a Santa Claus hat he found in his trunk.

Along the way, we stop at the local coffee cathedral. Most Canadians are very familiar with the establishment. It's the one named after the dead hockey player.

The coffee cathedral is the only business within easy walking distance of the Sack. According to the New Urbanism Movement, this is part of a dastardly plan to keep us in our cars.

***

Oscar orders one of the new flavoured, hot drinks. It turns out to be something pink and frothy.

I stick with java. I won't drink anything pink unless I am very sick.

***

As we ruminate about world affairs, the price of gas and Oscar's man boobs, we are suddenly joined by our Sack compadre, Weed.

Weed was wearing a very interesting combination of head apparel. On his head were a pair of ear muffs and a pork pie hat.

He said he'd been sent down to the coffee cathedral for a take-out round of coffee and donuts for the Little Doug household. Intrigued by Oscar's steaming pink refreshment, he went to the counter and ordered his own beverage. He came back with a hot orange substance. It was sprinkled with cinnamon.

Weed took off his head gear and sat down.

***

When he was settled, we offered him our congratulations.

Daisy and Weed are expecting their first child in July. The child will be born around the same time as the newest addition to the Bitterman clan.

Weed said he is very happy about the pregnancy. It's happening sooner than they'd planned, he explained, but it's still a blessing nonetheless.

Daisy, he said, is particularly ecstatic about the baby. He said she'd been fighting off bouts of mild depression over the last few months. Now she is "sailing along on cloud nine."

Weed said it is easy to tell when Daisy is getting a bad case of the blues.

"For every meal," he explained, "all she will eat is Cheerios."

***

Oscar asked Weed how he was faring in his new call centre gig. Weed's face suddenly darkened.

"Every day," he muttered, "it's like lowering myself into a deep, black hole."

Oscar nodded and looked at Weed with compassion. "So every day is a tough day at the orifice?"

Weed considered this for a moment and then said, "Yeah, that's exactly it."

***

Despite toiling in the coal mines of the new millennium, Weed said he's determined to stay with it, at least until a more preferred opportunity comes along. He's still looking for his true calling.

So far, Weed said he's only sure about one thing. "My ideal job would allow me to wander off for a while, if something else caught my interest."

Oscar was intrigued by this idea. "Tell me more about this concept," he said.

"Well," Weed replied, stirring what looked like orange hot chocolate, "suppose you suddenly got interested in science fiction. You could stay home and read science fiction stuff, watch videos or surf the net."

"And you would still get paid?" Oscar asked.

"Sure," Weed replied, "as long as you went back to work within a month or so."

Oscar stroked his chin for a moment. Finally, he said, "I like it, man. I really like it."

***

Under his plan, Weed said Mrs. Wonders could stay at home to watch Newsworld or CNN, whenever there was a natural disaster or global event of some kind.

Mrs. Wonders is an avid follower of natural disasters.

"Yeah," Weed said confidently, "she could go back to work whenever she got tired of watching it."

***

Oscar said he was going to think more about Weed's idea during the Christmas holidays.

He admits the idea is very impractical. But he says it would be a very enjoyable thing to think about while he's napping.

***

Weed was happy to tell us about another one of his good ideas.

He said he's been thinking about how he could mildly, but consistently, enjoy the benefits of marijuana while toiling in the black hole of the call centre.

It is, he admitted, very inconvenient to smoke it during his lunch hour.

"And I don't like to smoke it in the morning." he added.

Weed said he does enjoy being high in the morning. He just doesn't enjoy smoking at that time of the day.

***

Weed's idea involves what he calls a "pot patch"

A person would wear it on their skin and get a mild buzz for the whole day. According to Weed, it would be a perfect solution for an uninspiring work place.

Oscar said he was already familiar with a marijuana patch. Apparently, it is only available for people with severe pain or nausea.

Weed's face showed a brief flicker of disappointment.

"Well, at least they've been working on it." he said.

***

After more idle chatter, Weed's cell phone rang.

Daisy was wondering why he had not returned with their order of coffee and donuts. She said the Little Doug household was starting to get impatient.

Weed put his ear muffs back on and repositioned his pork pie hat.

"Man, I really hate Sundays," he said, slowly getting to his feet. "Those people have no idea what to do with themselves."

***