Case Closed

The Cuba file remains open. Today should mark the end of it. Then it's back to the Sack.

***

Oscar was very proud of himself after we returned to the old town and made our exit from the airport.

When airport security became an issue after 9/11, Oscar decided that he would make sure never to set off airport metal detectors ever again. He said it was the least he could do to fight back against terrorism.

Ever since then, Oscar says he has been "clean." He says he pays special attention to belt buckles, loose coins, keys and pens every time he travels. Apparently, the Cuba trip gives him thirty-four consecutive successful passes through airport metal detectors.

A more noble man than Oscar would be tough to find.

***

Our flight home from Cuba was delayed for several hours.

At the airport in Varadero, Oscar orchestrated a game of passport poker involving us and another group from the old town. The game involves the last five digits of the identification number in one's Canadian passport.

I won five pesos. Apparently, my passport number contains a full house.

***

Speaking of passports, Mrs. Wonders was disappointed not to receive a Cuban stamp in hers.

Apparently, travellers with Cuban passport stamps may have difficulty entering the U.S. So, to be on the safe side, Cuba doesn't stamp your passport unless a request is made.

Given the option of an unstamped passport or a potential lifetime ban from travelling to the U.S., Mrs. Wonders wisely opted for the naked passport.

***

Many Cubans we met would not identify Fidel Castro by name during conversations. A few people referred to him as "Number One," while others simply stroked an imaginary beard.

Oscar said it would be very unfortunate to be known as "Number Two," especially if one was surrounded by people who enjoyed bathroom humour.

***

There was an eclectic mixture of television channels available at our Cuban resort.

In addition to some American cable stations (ESPN, Showtime, CNN), there were several Cuban stations and a few stations from China.

Although we watched very little television during the trip, Oscar and I reached the following conclusions about the boob tube at our resort:

• Cuban and Chinese stations have no interest in hockey playoffs. ESPN will show the results of a game only after reporting on the latest lawn bowling news.
  
  
• The baseball in Cuba is very high calibre. Although I saw only portions of a few games, it was apparent that some stadiums are in decay and field conditions are poor. Big Doug would've had a convulsion if he'd seen the state of the outfield at one place. A ball hit into a gap in left field was almost lost in a mushroom cloud of dust. Flicking channels to a ball game on ESPN was like the transition from black and white to colour in the Wizard of Oz.
  
  
• The weather guy on the state Cuban channel is a doctor. I'm not sure if he's a medical doctor or a doctor of meteorology. I wouldn't rule out a medical doctor, because our tour guide in Havana had a PhD in engineering.

***

The most bizarre thing I've ever seen on television was on one of the Cuban stations.

While it seemed to have some resemblance to Roller Derby, it was actually a bonafide athletic event. About five men in matching shorts, T-shirts and wearing old-fashioned roller skates, sped around an outdoor running track. Another man in a different outfit tried, unsuccessfully, to outskate them.

All of the men wore very tightfitting, high-cut shorts and tight T-shirts. There was something vaguely homoerotic about the whole thing. The track was surrounded by a sparse line of trees. There was only a handful of people in attendance, including one man who sat against a tree, looking off in a different direction.

***

Oscar claims he saw the odd roller-skating thing on television, too. He also claims that one of the men was wearing one of Big Doug's "Hurry, Hard!" T-shirts.

I know for a fact that Oscar is making this up. However, I'm committed to confirming this story for the sake of winding up Big Doug.

***

That's it - - - we're done with the Cuba file. Now, it's definitely back to the Sack.

***