Revolving Doors

The Sack celebrates another day without Dirk and Dora. . . . .

***

Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's beau and the father of her unborn child, is now persona non grata in the Sack.

At least that's how Mr. Bitterman describes it. Maxwell had moved into the Bitterman home in January so he and Britney could save some money before the baby was born. The baby is due in about two weeks.

But it doesn't look like things have worked out at all.

***

Maxwell was originally going to start his own business, Cutlass Supreme Painting. He had plans to set the old town's commercial painting industry on its ear.

Unfortunately, Maxwell had difficulty securing the cornerstone of his business plan, a 1993 Cutlass Supreme. Time passed and Mr. Bitterman soon realized that Maxwell was becoming comfortably unemployed under his own roof. That's when Maxwell received his marching orders for the first time.

Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and Maxwell quickly returned to the Bitterman home and back into the arms of his beloved Britney. This time, Mr. Bitterman pulled some strings and found work for Maxwell with a local roofing company.

***

The once promising roofing gig eventually turned sour. Maxwell still claims he was constructively dismissed, but other, more reliable voices say he fairly drifted away from the job for lack of interest.

Once again, the Maxwell-Bitterman union was on the ropes. And once again, Mr. Bitterman rallied at the last moment and provided Maxwell with an employment opportunity. This time, the work was with a painting company. According to Maxwell, he knows the painting business "like the back of my ass."

I don't know what that means, either.

***

Maxwell battled heroically to maintain employment with the painting company. In the end, he managed less than two weeks on the job.

Apparently, he was fired (rather unfairly, according to Maxwell) for absenteeism. He tried to keep this information (merely a lack of communication) from Britney and her father. Mr. Bitterman found out about the firing within twenty-four hours and after a quick, but ferocious blow out, Maxwell was banished from Britney's life and the Bitterman home for ever more.

***

Naturally, this is not how the story ended. In fact, the Maxwell-Britney affair is probably just beginning.

Despite her original desire to see Maxwell frozen in the cold bowels of hell, it was only a matter of weeks before she and Maxwell had established a clandestine relationship.

***

Weed provided this update on the trials and tribulations of Maxwell and the Bitterman family. He sees Maxwell on a regular basis at the food court of the local shopping mall. Weed works in a call centre that's housed in the office building connected to the mall. Maxwell, on the other hand, uses the food court as the head office for his business, Cutlass Supreme Painting.

The business, according to Weed, still hasn't begun operations. But you can bet it won't be long before it's off the ground.

It could be anytime, now.

***

Maxwell used to hold court at the local coffee cathedral. But Weed says he has been forced to make himself scarce from there. Apparently, he started a fling with a rather robust coffee matron. Things supposedly went awry when she learned about Britney's existence.

Maxwell managed to patch things over for a short period. But then their relationship came to a crashing halt when she found out that Maxwell had resumed his relationship with Britney. Weed is quite certain that Britney is unaware of Maxwell's dalliance with the woman from the local coffee cathedral.

***

So Maxwell and Britney continue to see each other, even though he's no longer welcome across the threshold of the Bitterman home. Weed says the couple spend most of their time together at the home of Maxwell's one-armed uncle.

Uncle Ted, for the uninformed, is a legendary candlepin bowler. Apparently, there isn't a one-armed candlepin bowler in existence who can top Uncle Ted.

On a few occasions, Weed has even seen Britney at the food court with Maxwell. This is surprising, according to Weed, since Maxwell is not known for mixing his personal life with his professional life.

***

Oscar is the best source for information on Mr. Bitterman's view of this whole affair.

Although Mr. Bitterman, Oscar reports, is not always consistent in his frankness about his family fortunes, he is sure to provide a timely quote from time to time.

On the subject of Maxwell, Mr. Bitterman would only say that Maxwell will never darken his door again. After the baby is born, Britney is hoping to apply for social assistance and find her own apartment. Mr. Bitterman says him and his wife plan to do everything they can for Britney and their grandchild, but swears he won't give her anything that Maxwell will find any benefit from.

Mr. Bitterman also told Oscar that he's having recurring dreams where he runs over Maxwell with his car. Oscar said there was a slight maniacal tone in Mr. Bitterman's laugh when he talked about the dreams.

***

One can only imagine that Mrs. Bitterman is dismayed by her daughter's circumstances.

While Oscar said Mr. Bitterman made no mention of his wife's demeanor, Sack observers have noted a continued deterioration in her appearance. Conservative estimates suggest she has gained more than one hundred pounds since Maxwell swept Britney off her feet.

There is also the matter of excessive perspiration. Mrs. Bitterman almost always appears as if she has just finished a gruelling marathon. Some Sack residents attributed this to the onset of menopause, but this view is declining in popularity.

The most disconcerting development, as far as Mrs. Bitterman's well being is concerned, is the matter of the garden gnome that now occupies a prominent position on their front lawn. Aside from Dirk and Dora's decorative tree stump, Sack lawns have remained free from such eyesores until now.

Mrs. Bitterman was observed placing the gnome on their lawn several weeks ago. It stands at the very corner of the front lawn closest to the street. The gnome resembles one of the Seven Dwarfs, although there is little agreement about which dwarf it represents. Weed is quite certain it's supposed to be Grumpy, while Oscar thinks it's Sleepy.

Little Doug said he's fairly sure the gnome is supposed to be Goofy. Even though there is no such dwarf with this moniker, I think he could be right anyway.

***