In the Toilet

Today's narrative deals with the human bum. It's the second time in three outings that we've been focused there.

This doesn't suggest a trend in these pages toward the lower forms of humour. It shouldn't be considered a fixation on the nether regions of the human body, either.

It's all just a big coincidence, of course. After all, we haven't discussed bum matters since Ben's colonoscopy late last year. And I don't expect we'll be talking about it again for some time, after today.

I'm glad we've cleared the air on this matter.

***

Another defining moment in the Sack occurred the other day.

It happened during a casual conversation between Oscar, Weed, Little Doug and me. Each of us had returned home at approximately the same time. The only exception was Oscar. He just happened to be standing outside his house when the rest of us arrived home.

The subject came up in a very casual fashion. It happened so quickly, there was no time to predict its arrival. It signified a new depth in the maturity of the Sack's neighbourly relationships.

Oscar and Weed calmly discussed their own recent bowel movements.

***

Oscar actually brought the matter up. This should be no surprise to the serious Sack watcher.

He was telling the assembled group about a bout of stomach flu he'd endured the day before. Before anyone could react, he spoke with great detail about the texture and other unique features of the bowel movement that accompanied it.

***

Weed gave Oscar a very surprised look. Some might even say that he gaped. It was a look that probably mirrored my own.

But Weed's surprise came from a very different place than mine. Apparently, he'd fought off a brief stomach flu, too. He asked Oscar a few questions about his bowel movement. Oscar replied with more rich detail.

Weed listened carefully and nodded knowingly. Finally he said, "Been there."

***

Then Weed gave his own description of his recent bathroom experience. It was very similar to Oscar's tale.

Oscar shook his head up and down. "That's it exactly, man." He looked at Weed with a new measure of respect. Weed seemed to nod in appreciation.

"Pretty wild, eh?" he said to Oscar.

"Really, eh," Oscar replied almost fondly.

"You said it, man," said Weed.

Then they looked at me at the same time. Each wore a thin layer of bravado on his face. I could almost feel a faint, cool breeze around me. It was an air of exclusion.

I suddenly noticed that Little Doug had wandered off to his home. He's a lot smarter than I give him credit for.

***

So bowel movements have become a matter of casual discourse in the Sack.

This can hardly be a point on the asset side of the cul-de-sac debate. The New Urbanism movement probably saw this coming a kilometre away.

I really don't know what to say about this state of affairs. I'm not even sure what to think. So all I said to Oscar and Weed was, "I gotta go home for supper."

And that's exactly what I did.

***

So that's how the Sack's latest bum-related matter ended. But before we close the door on the subject, we should give a final update on the previous bum story.

It turns out that Big Doug really is an "arse" man.

Weed and Oscar had a dispute about Big Doug's exclusive use of the word to describe the human backside. So they planned to entice Big Doug into using either "arse" or some other bum-related term. In the end, Oscar was the winner of the dispute.

***

My own role in the matter was to act as the official arbiter. I had to ensure that Big Doug would use the word in the proper context. Fortunately, Big Doug left no room for misinterpretation. He used his chosen word in a perfect context.

He said Oscar and Weed were "a pair of arseholes."

***