No Worries

Things are quiet on the Burning Manor front. Dirk and Dora seem to be keeping a low profile. Over a week has passed without an appearance by the peelers.

Of course, this may have everything to do with Elizabeth's absence. She's gone to visit her sister in Montreal for two weeks. Your agent is responsible for picking up her weekend newspapers.

I'm a man with responsibilities.

***

It has been some time since we spoke of Britney Bitterman and her embattled beau, Maxwell.

Over a month ago, Britney gave birth to a boy. The wee lad's name is rumoured to be Earl. Confirmation of the name wasn't available when we spoke of this matter last.

So we're certainly overdue for an update on this wing of the Sack's rogues gallery.

***

After the baby was born, Britney quickly moved into her own apartment. Apparently, it was provided by one of the old town's social housing programs.

Oscar learned about this during a recent driveway conference with Mr. Bitterman. Their relationship has blossomed since the occasional cordial nods they used to exchange. Now Mr. Bitterman gives Oscar frank, unsolicited and alarming updates on the perils of his family life.

***

News of Britney's apartment came as a big surprise to some very well informed Sack residents. They say Britney's at the Bitterman house almost every day and night.

These residents are considered to be very reliable sources. They're among the Sack's assorted daytime eyes. The group includes three teachers who live in the Sack. They started their summer vacations at the end of June.

The teachers spend a good portion of their day puttering about their respective yards. Sometimes they gather for coffee on one of the others' front porch. Last Wednesday, they even shared a few cold beers in the early afternoon.

There isn't much in the Sack that goes unnoticed by these folks.

***

And then, of course, there are Oscar and Daisy.

Oscar works from home, an activity that seems to require less energy than an occasional hobby. This leaves him with a lot of time to meander about the Sack looking for adventure.

Daisy, of course, just gave birth to Baby Doug. She's planning to be on maternity leave for as long as possible. When the weather is good, Daisy tends to spend a lot of her time out on the porch with the baby. She also has a passing relationship of sorts with Britney Bitterman. They're both around the same age and have newborns. Apparently, they knew of each other back in their high school days.

Finally, there's Doo's step dad, Sticky. He's a bus driver for the old town's transit system. He seems to work a lot of afternoon and evening shifts. So he tends to be at home during the day.

So there's no shortage of daytime eyes in the Sack. If people say Britney's living mostly at the Bitterman home along with Baby "Maybe" Earl, then they're probably right.

***

And, of course, they are correct. Weed reports that even though Britney does have her own apartment, she is spending most of her time at the Bitterman household.

According to Weed's source, Britney didn't really want to get her own apartment, but it was the only way she could receive any financial assistance. And, of course, it was also the only way she could have unfettered contact with Baby (Maybe) Earl's father, Maxwell.

Weed says Maxwell has been banished from the Bitterman home for either the rest of eternity or "over Mr. Bitterman's dead body," whichever happens to occur first. Oscar also confirmed this aspect of the matter when he spoke with Mr. Bitterman.

So Britney spends most days and nights at the Bitterman home. A few days of the week are spent at her apartment, usually with Maxwell.

***

Weed's source for this information was the man himself, Maxwell.

Maxwell continues to be a regular visitor to the food court at the local mall. He used to spend more time at the local coffee cathedral, but a brief fling with one of the counter matrons ended rather badly. Apparently Britney has also demanded that Maxwell make himself scarce from the local coffee cathedral.

So Maxwell seems to have wisely chosen the food court as a safer place to spend his idle time.

***

Of course, Maxwell would likely argue that his time at the food court hardly represents idleness.

After all, the food court is also the unofficial administrative office for Cutlass Supreme Painting, Maxwell's residential and commercial painting business. Maxwell claims that he's often there with his "crew." Weed says they're a collection of slack-jawed yawners from Maxwell's old neighbourhood. Apparently, they need to be close at hand, in case a painting contact suddenly materializes.

Weed, of course, works in a call centre in an office complex attached to the mall. So he continues to have regular contact with Maxwell. In fact, he's the Sack's official Maxwell correspondent.

***

Weed says Maxwell is very pleased about the arrival of Baby "Maybe" Earl. It's his second child. He has a four-year-old son from a past relationship. Apparently Maxwell sees the young tyke with some regularity, but doesn't pay any child support.

"You can't get blood from a stone," he told Weed with a shrug.

***

Of course, Maxwell certainly aspires to provide financial support for his children. As soon as his ship comes in, he says he plans to make things right.

Maxwell's "ship" is embodied in the form of a 1993 Cutlass Supreme. That's the vehicle he must acquire in order to formally launch his own business.

The actual vehicle apparently belongs to his cousin. As soon as Maxwell has the money, the car will be his. Then the business can finally get off the ground.

***

In addition to being the company's namesake, the car will also play a critical role in daily operations. It will be used to carry the ladders needed for the actual painting gigs.

"Only an idiot," Maxwell explained to Weed, "would go around painting without a ladder."

***

Unfortunately, the 1993 Cutlass Supreme has remained illusive. Maxwell continues to suffer from a staggering shortfall in capital.

It's not even completely clear if the car remains in Maxwell's family. Oscar saw the vehicle at the drive-thru of the local coffee cathedral the other day. He said there was a middle-aged woman at the wheel.

Oscar says the car is badly in need of a new exhaust system.

***

So Cutlass Supreme Painting remains as a mere glint in Maxwell's eye. Apparently, he's still turning down lucrative painting contracts "left and right" because of the vehicle problem.

Fortunately, Maxwell remains unfailingly optimistic. He assured Weed that things would come together in the end.

Besides, he explained recently, even if he had the car, he wouldn't be able to do any painting right now. Maxwell said he's suffering from a "frigged-up shoulder." He's scheduled to have an MRI exam next November. His doctor told him he shouldn't lift a finger until at least then.

Apparently, a frigged-up shoulder is considered a low priority in our government-run health care system.

***

According to Maxwell, he hurt his shoulder in a painting-related accident. He said he fell off a ladder. His shoulder never really healed properly after that.

Maxwell said he really should "sue the ass off" one of the old town's established painting companies. That's whom he was working for when the accident occurred. He says they insisted that he come to work even though the shoulder was frigged up. Apparently, he ended up quitting as a result of the matter.

***

So Maxwell remains on the economic sidelines.

Nevertheless, Weed says he seems remarkable relaxed about the whole state of affairs. Despite the absence of a job, a regular income nor any immediate prospect of either one, Maxwell seems to be ambling along without any particular worries.

For him, it seems good enough that he's back in a romantic entanglement with Britney. And now they're proud parents of young Baby "Maybe" Earl. If that's all he thinks about, then he must be feeling quite good about life.

Weed says it must be very useful to be unable to worry about anything. He thinks an ability like this must come at a significant cost. He said one would likely have a smaller brain than the average person. This is the only way one could ignore the more troublesome parts of life.

In Maxwell's case, at least, I think he could be right about this.

***