It's Only Rock & Roll

Elizabeth is in Montreal visiting her sister. She's supposed to return on Sunday.

Concerns about Burning Manor shenanigans have fallen sharply since she left. This is no coincidence. Some people have expressed hope that Elizabeth will cool off a bit while she's away. A recent event, however, will probably render this is unlikely.

On Friday morning, a truck appeared in front of Burning Manor. The sign on the driver's door read: Wyse Guys Fencing Ltd.

Burning Manor was about to get a black chainlink fence around its perimeter. When the work was completed, part of the new fence was erected against one side of Elizabeth's house. This, of course, is completely contrary to her stated desire.

Elizabeth will not be amused.

***

My position on The Rolling Stones has been stated here before.

A lot of people really enjoy the Stones. I have no trouble with this at all. Unfortunately, Mick, Keef and the boys completely fail to capture my interest. I've tried to like them, but it just doesn't work.

So if you asked me to see the Stones with you, I would say, "Thank you, but no. You go ahead without me. I'll just stay here. But again, thank you for asking."

***

The Rolling Stones are coming to the old town in late September.

A formal announcement on the matter was made this week. It will be an outdoor concert held in the downtown area. As many as sixty thousand people are expected to attend. A number of Canadian bands are expected to perform as well.

Oscar, of course, is ecstatic about this development. He saw the Stones for the first time last summer when they played in Moncton. At the time, attending the concert was one of only two unmet aspirations in Oscar's life.

His only remaining goal now is to own a helper monkey. Progress on this front appears to be moving very slowly.

***

Oscar tried very hard to convince me to buy a ticket for the concert. Of course, I maintained a flat refusal.

Finally, he said, "Everyone around here is going."

He thought this piece of information might sway my position. The number of Sack residents going to see the Stones, I replied, would only be a further reason to stay home.

Nevertheless, Oscar was mostly right about Sack residents and their plans for the Stones concert. The Sack, it seems, will be well represented at the show. Since we had little else to do on a hot, humid day, we ran down the list of Sack residents and their concert intentions:

Computer Doug has seen the Stones on numerous occasions. But both him and his wife, Marion, have already marked their calendars. Oscar says Computer Doug is a member of the Stones' fan club and gets preferred prices and seating.

This wouldn't surprise me if it were true.

Gordon, of all people, is also planning to see the Stones. Even Gordon's wife is planning to buy a ticket. This is a big surprise to most Sack people. A concert of this magnitude seems far too uncivilized for a man of Gordon's mien.

Oscar, however, is unsurprised by Gordon's decision. He says it's the event aspect of the show that attracts someone like Gordon. After all, Oscar noted, Gordon attended the Pope's visit to the old town in 1984 and he's not even Catholic.

***

Ben and Norma have also expressed interest in attending.

Ben, a senior cook in the military, was recently posted to a navy ship. He was supposed to be deployed to the Golan Heights, but Canada has stood down from their peacekeeping role there. Ben says he'll be going if his ship isn't sailing anywhere. Norma says she'll be going either way. This is Mrs. Wonders' position on the matter, too.

Florence, the Wonders' next door neighbour, is planning to buy a ticket. She says it will be the second time in her life that she has gone to a rock concert. The first one she attended was several years ago, when many Sack people went to see Blue Rodeo. During that evening, Florence lost her cell phone. Since then, she says she's taken a dim view of concerts.

Nevertheless, she says it's time to turn over a new leaf.

***

Weed and Daisy are hoping the concert will be their first outing since Baby Doug was born. Weed says he has already tried to made arrangements for his parents to look after the baby on that day. Unfortunately, his parents said they're hoping to go to the concert, too.

So Baby Doug could be going to see the Stones, too.

***

Maxwell has also indicated his interest in seeing the show.

This news was also very surprising, given Maxwell's tendency to carry around a very light wallet. Apparently the ticket price for the concert will be in the neighbourhood of one hundred dollars. This is only slightly below the cost of a certain 1993 Cutlass Supreme.

Fortunately, Maxwell doesn't expect to be paying for his ticket. He told Weed that his uncle is tight with someone who's related to a Stones roadie. According to Maxwell, it's almost a certainty that he and Britney Bitterman will have backstage passes.

Weed couldn't confirm whether Maxwell was referring to his Uncle Ted, the legendary, one-armed candlepin bowling champion. I told Oscar that Weed's role as the Sack's official Maxwell correspondent is hanging by threads.

***

The Stones are certainly on Little Doug's agenda for September. But there are several matters he needs to clear up before his attendance can be confirmed.

As it stands, Little Doug is scheduled to go fishing in Labrador during the same week as the concert. If he and his fishing mates can alter their travel plans, Little Doug says they'll be bound for The Stones instead.

Of course, both of these activities will depend on Little Doug's upper dental plate. He recently received a new one after accidently flushing his old set down the toilet. While the old set was eventually retrieved intact, hygiene concerns apparently rendered it useless.

According to Little Doug, the new upper plate has been sent back twice because of discomfort. He says it will be another three weeks before the latest set arrives. Although this is well before the concert, Little Doug says he can't take anything for granted.

"Once bitten," he said solemnly, "twice shy."

If he doesn't have his new teeth by mid-September, Little Doug says he won't be going anywhere. With only half of his teeth, he says he doesn't like to go very far from home, if he can help it.

I would probably feel the same way, if I were Little Doug.

***

Oscar says neither Satan, nor his minions, would miss a Stones concert. Like Computer Doug, they're also members of the Stones' fan club and get discounts on tickets. As a result, Oscar says Rental Doug will likely be required to attend the show.

According to Oscar's theory, Rental Doug is related to, or simply employed by, Satan himself. Personally, I have no opinion on the matter. Although I do believe Oscar can believe anything he likes.

***

Doo's mom and his step dad, Sticky will likely be at the concert. At least, that's how Oscar views things.

He says Sticky has a tattoo of the Stone's trademark lips on his shoulder. This, according to Oscar, is a sure sign of Sticky's concert plans. Also, he noted how Doo's mom has a sweatshirt that reads Foxy Lady. According to Oscar, this correlates highly with women who enjoy the Stones.

Weed, of course, had a different opinion on the matter. He said Sticky's tattoo is really a poorly-drawn image of a butterfly. He also expressed doubt about the foxy lady theory.

Besides, Sticky's a bus driver with the old town's transit system. Weed says Sticky will probably score some heavy overtime hours by working before and after the concert.

I think he could be right about this.

***

Will Dirk and Dora go to the Stones concert? According to Oscar, the answer is "yes."

He claims to have seen Dora wearing a black Stones T-shirt during one of her early morning dog-finding expeditions through the Sack. On the other hand, I replied, Dirk and Dora seem to spend most of their entertainment dollars on alcohol. Two tickets to the Stones concert would require a significant budget shift on their part.

This might be true, Oscar admitted. But in the end, he says they won't pass up the chance to attend a big party.

***

Big Doug is definitely not going to the concert.

This has nothing to do with the Stones or any of the Canadian bands. Big Doug says he simply isn't very interested in music. He said he just doesn't have time for such things.

Of course, as Oscar pointed out, when you wash your truck four times a week, you don't have much time for trivial things such as music or the Rolling Stones.

***

Nevertheless, Big Doug is very confident in his position on the whole subject of music. He says he "knows what he likes" and "likes what he knows." This is a philosophy that seems to govern most aspects of his life.

Of course, Big Doug has no trouble with others going to see the Stones. "Knock yourselves out," is what he told Oscar about the whole matter.

If there is anything that does irk Big Doug about the concert, it's the old town's involvement with the financial side. Big Doug says he doesn't want to see the event cost taxpayers any money. He says the old town might as well bring back gladiators and lions, if they're going to dabble in the entertainment world.

He said he would be far more likely to spend his money on a gladiator-lion match-up than a stupid concert. I'm fairly sure that he was only kidding about this.

But Big Doug was serious when he said the old town's mayor needs a good kick in the arse.

***

There were three heavy set men working for Wyse Guys Fencing Ltd.

One of the men is named Bert Wyse. The other two are his younger brothers. Oscar said he went to grade school with Bert Wyse. In the second grade, Oscar says Bert "pooped his pants" in class one day. From that moment, until some time in high school, he was known to his peers as "Dirty Bertie."

Oscar said he came very close to calling Bert by this childhood name. He hadn't seen Bert for a number of years. But it was the first thing he thought about when he saw him working on Burning Manor's fence.

***

This reference to "Dirty Bertie" was not intended as yet another scatological reference. This couldn't be further from the truth.

Bert and his brothers really are quite relevant to our discussion about the Stones. Apparently, all three are planning to attend the concert.

***

But I won't be going anywhere near the Stones.

Instead, you'll probably find me on the porch with a book in hand, or wearing the headphones that connect to my newfangled MP3 player. I might even have a notebook on my lap in preparation for using the blogging machine.

Better yet, I might even put my feet up, chew absently on a piece of red licorice and watch Big Doug wash his truck.

I could do anything I want.

***