Of Babies and Bums

Last Saturday morning brought an impromptu gathering of residents in the Sack's centre circle.

***

It was a spectacular day of warmth and sunshine. People just seemed to gravitate to the circle. Some had just returned from early morning errands, while others were just putting a start to the day.

At one point, Daisy emerged from her house and walked toward the circle. She was holding Baby Doug in her arms. He was about to have his first introduction into Sack society.

Amidst a chorus of cooing, Baby Doug was poked and prodded by the gathering of neighbours. Eventually, he tired of it and began to bawl. Oscar said it sounded just like the day when Weed realized he needed to find a full-time job.

***

Almost everyone agrees that Baby Doug is a very handsome lad.

The only dissenting voice belonged to Big Doug. After everyone but myself and Oscar had vacated the circle, he gave his true opinion on the matter.

"No offense," he said, jerking his thumb toward the house Daisy and Weed share with Little Doug, "but most newborns look like the back of my arse."

***

Oscar said he hopes Big Doug will never try to prove such a claim. I told him he had my firm agreement on the matter.

But Oscar says he does know one thing for certain: Big Doug always says "arse" instead of "ass."

Some people, he explained, will use "arse" only in a humourous vein. Others will use it as a gentle piece of vulgarity. But few people, he said emphatically, say "arse" exclusively.

***

I told Oscar his observation was undoubtedly correct. I said I couldn't recall hearing Big Doug utter a single "ass" since I moved to the Sack.

"It's been 100 percent "arse" from Big Doug since day one," I said confidently.

Oscar looked very pleased.

***

Of course, I have no idea about such matters.

But I know that it's sometimes best to simply agree with Oscar. Great bales of energy can be expended if one offers debate. Such energy can never be reclaimed.

The next day we met up with Weed at the local coffee cathedral. Oscar told him about Big Doug's proclivity for the word "arse."

Not surprisingly, Weed thinks this is preposterous. He claims he's certain that he has heard "ass," "bum," and even "bottom" from Big Doug before.

***

Oscar and Weed bantered the issue back and forth. I had cleaned out my wallet and retied my shoes before they ran out of steam.

In the end, they settled for a tie-breaking scheme. The next time they're in Big Doug's presence, they have to entice him to use a word to describe the human backside. If "arse" comes from Big Doug's lips, Oscar will win the day. Weed will stand in victory if he utters anything else.

Oscar and Weed asked if I would be the official arbiter in the whole matter. Apparently, I will have the final word, if there is any dispute about the word Big Doug uses and whether it has been elicited fairly.

I told them I would be happy to be their referee. Oscar said he would prefer that I referred to myself as the official arbiter. He said it sounded more dignified.

"Besides," he added, "we don't want anyone thinking this is just a game."

Let the arbiting begin.

***