Canada Daze

Serenity Terrace remains a mere glint in the eye of its developer.

The vacant land that separates the Sack from the local coffee cathedral is supposed to be the location of Serenity Terrace. It will be a smaller cul-de-sac lined with modest town homes.

Development of the new cul-de-sac was approved over a year ago. Nevertheless, not a shovel of dirt has been moved since. Gordon, the grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society, has been told by his contacts within the old town's civic government that construction is imminent.

But Gordon has been saying this for months now.

No one is more chafed by the delay than Big Doug. He's planning to build an addition onto his garden shed this summer and is sorely in need of construction materials. Big Doug, of course, is very good at purloining such things from new-home construction sites.

When the Sack's homes were still under construction, Big Doug was able to amass a vast inventory of replacement materials for his home. Apparently his garage houses enough shingles, doors and hardware to rival the local Home Depot.

If you're ever in need of some replacement bifold doors for a closet, Big Doug is your man.

***

The flyer was placed inside the Wonders' creaky screen door several weeks ago. It bore the prominent logo of the Sack Resident's Society. While meant to show a soaring raptor, the image actually depicts a turkey vulture in flight.

Your agent is the only resident aware of this error. I fully intend to take this knowledge to the grave.

The flyer excitedly announced the intention to hold the Sack's first ever Canada Day celebration on July 1st. It promised to be an all-day affair for Sack residents and would include the following festivities:

• A morning yard sale.


• A roundup of barbecue grills in the Sack's centre circle. Hot dogs would be available at noon. A larger-scale meal would be prepared at the supper hour.


• An afternoon street hockey game.


• Face-painting and temporary tattoos with a Canada theme.


• An evening fireworks display on the vacant land where Serenity Terrace will eventually stand.


• A moderate and polite sharing of drink throughout the afternoon and evening.

On the back of the flyer was a list of rules for general deportment during the festivities. Oscar said he would give up one of his kidneys if the rules hadn't been prepared by Gordon himself.

Either way, one thing was abundantly clear. The Sack was about to throw its first-ever summer street party.

***

A week before the street party, Oscar and your agent hosted another edition of our show. The show, of course, takes place on the Wonders' front porch. This particular one was very well attended. Oscar thinks it broke a record in this regard. If the number of guests keeps increasing, he said we might have to hire ushers.

Three quarters of the Sack's Doug population was in attendance. Computer Doug and Little Doug arrived together. Little Doug had just finished repairing the other man's upstairs toilet. Computer Doug said he was as pleased as punch with the results.

"There's nothing worse than a broken toilet," he said with a relieved tone.

***

Big Doug joined the show several minutes after the other Dougs arrived. He had just returned from a day of golfing. He was in a grand mood after shooting his best-ever score. He said he needed to sink a four-foot putt on the last hole to make the achievement.

"I would've kicked myself in the arse all the way home, if I missed it," he said firmly.

Big Doug, of course, has never been heard to use the word "ass" during his residency in the Sack. Oscar says the big guy is an "arse-man" through and through.

***

Weed, of course, was also in attendance. He was celebrating the start of a two-week holiday from his job at a local call centre. Clad in a porkpie hat, a dazzling multicoloured short sleeve shirt and a pair of beige cargo shorts, he was also barefooted.

Barring opposition from Daisy, Weed said he was planning to wear the same outfit and remain without footwear for the entire vacation period. Naturally, he said he would change his underwear with his usual regularity.

***

The biggest surprise on the show was the appearance of Gordon. While he has made brief visits in the past, those were always to make demands for an early conclusion to the show's antics. This appearance marked the first time he had been a bonafide guest.

Ben and Norma were also guests on the show. They had just returned from the local shopping emporium. Norma had her eye on a new set of luggage.

The luggage, she reported, would be used on their upcoming trip home to Newfoundland. Apparently, they're going to a large family reunion. Jeff Christ, she added, would be coming with them.

Mrs. Wonders and Florence made an appearance on the show, too. But they were there by default. They had been occupying the porch steps when the show started up around them.

Finally, Big Doug's big dog was a guest on the show. He just wandered over and promptly fell asleep at Big Doug's feet. Outside of a pair of roving raccoons, Oscar said it was the first lengthy visit to the show by a member of the animal kingdom.

He could be right about this.

***

The main topic on the show concerned the impending Canada Day street party in the Sack. According to Oscar, this was Gordon's main reason for visiting the show. He was like an actor appearing on a talk show to trumpet his latest movie.

Everyone was particularly enthusiastic about the notion of a street hockey game. The air was thick with bravado as some of the guests promised to make mincemeat of others during the game. Gordon was appalled. He said he was going to create some rules for the street hockey match. After all, he argued, no one should get hurt on such a festive occasion.

Gordon's idea, of course, was met with immediate opposition. Big Doug said only one rule would be necessary during the game.

"Don't be an arsehole with your hockey stick," he said sternly. "That's all you need to do."

***

It was no surprise, at this point, that Oscar volunteered to be the referee. Oscar, of course, eschews physical exertion. Nevertheless, he said he was obviously the best man for the job.

"After all, I'm well known for my sober judgment," he said, without even a hint of a smile. "People are always commenting on it."

Then he added, "It really gets annoying after a while."

***

Little Doug didn't say much during the conversation about the street hockey game. As the subject began to wear thin and when a lull occurred, he cleared his throat and said casually:

"I hear Pleasant Street is having a street hockey game on Canada Day, too."

The impact of this statement was profound. A brief, yet full silence suddenly descended on the gathering. Only the skittering sound of a June bug could be heard. Weed was the first to break the silence.

"So who's in for the first annual Cul-de-sac Cup on Canada Day. We could issue a challenge." He pronounced the last word with a thick French accent.

A chorus of agreement filled the night air. What could be a better way to celebrate our country's nationhood than a spirited street hockey game against the Sack's arch rival?

"Bring it on," said Ben, with excitement. "I'm in for sure."

That's when Norma reminded him they would be in Newfoundland on Canada Day.

"Oh, yeah," said Ben, looking crestfallen for a moment.

"You dough head," said Norma, tapping him playfully on the back of his skull.

***

Pleasant Street, of course, is a rival cul-de-sac located about ten minutes away from the Sack. By some strange coincidence, a number of Sack residents have had their own independent run-ins with residents from Pleasant Street.

Oscar's nemesis, Dan "Danny" McGraw lives on Pleasant Street. They've known and disliked each other since they were children. Although distantly courteous now, they remain as mortal enemies. At least, that's how Oscar describes it.

Gordon has experienced several conflicts with the grand poobah of the Pleasant Street mob. Animosity has occurred during meetings with the old town's civic government. The Pleasant Street honcho once accused Gordon of trying to increase their property taxes during a particularly volatile meeting at the local library. He even hung up the phone on Gordon on one occasion.

Big Doug has no time for a mechanic who happens to live on Pleasant Street. A number of years ago, he was charged an exorbitant price for a simple repair. If you ask Big Doug about the matter, his face will contort and then he'll say:

"That guy is an arsehole among arseholes."

Little Doug has his own distaste for Pleasant Street. His boss happens to live there. This is how he learned about the intentions of the Sack's rival to hold a Canada Day street hockey match. Little Doug always refers to his boss as his "stupidvisor."

***

Despite Ben's disappointment, excitement about a potential challenge match against the residents of Pleasant Street continued to build. Oscar immediately declared that he would be the coach of the Sack's team.

"With my brain power behind us, we can't possibly lose," he said modestly. "People are always commenting on my brain power, too."

"That must get annoying after a while, too," said Weed. Oscar simply nodded.

Big Doug, it was decided, would be the goalie on the Sack's team. As the biggest man in the cul-de-sac, he would fill up most of the net. Privately, Weed said Big Doug would be very good at poking any wayward Pleasant Streeters in the arse, if they came too close to the net.

Your agent and Weed were identified as forwards for the big game, given that both of us play regularly on ice. Mrs. Wonders, a longtime player in a woman's league would also occupy a forward's position. Oscar said the Pleasant Street knobs would certainly underestimate her abilities.

Weed, of course, played at a very competitive level as a teenager. Oscar said he would name Weed as the team captain, if Weed was prepared to get him a refill of drink from the Wonders' refrigerator. Weed simply snorted. That's how your agent was named as team captain.

Little Doug was assigned a defensive position. Short and stocky, Oscar said he might lack the speed to take on an offensive position. Little Doug said he could hardly imagine playing the game on account of his diabetes.

"Plus, I could easily have a heart attack, too.

***

Computer Doug had said little during the discussion of the street hockey challenge against Pleasant Street.

When asked about his preferred position on the team, he waved his hand and declared that he couldn't possibly play in such a match. When asked why, he put his arms out and said:

"Look at me. I'm a geek." Then he said with a grin. "I was made for watching hockey, not playing it."

***

Eventually, it was agreed that Computer Doug would act as the team's trainer. He completed CPR and first aid courses about five years ago. Oscar said this would give Little Doug enough safety to play in the game, even though Computer Doug's training wasn't up to date. Little Doug then agreed to play on defense with Gordon.

It also became clear that the Sack's street hockey team required one more player to act as a substitute. Sticky, young Doo's step dad, was suggested as a possible starter. Weed said he'd heard that Sticky was a killer player in the old town's industrial league several years ago. Sadly, however, Big Doug noted that Sticky would surely be working overtime on Canada Day. Sticky, of course, is a bus driver with the old town's transit system.

Rental Doug's name also came up in this discussion. But Ben observed that Rental Doug and his blended family were going camping on the long weekend. Oscar gave a sigh of relief at this news. He said he wasn't crazy about playing on the same team as the Devil.

Weed then lamented the absence of Jeff Christ. "We could've used his young legs," he said wistfully. Oscar nodded in agreement.

"It looks like he has forsaken us for a family reunion."

***

In the end, Oscar said he would ask Handsome Man to be the Sack's seventh player. Handsome Man, of course, jogs through the Sack on a regular basis. Recently, he was granted resident-like status on account of his super hero appearance.

The final matter concerned the issuance of the street hockey challenge to the Pleasant Street mob. Gordon would have been the natural one to do this, but unfortunately the grand poobah of Pleasant Street refuses to speak with him. Oscar said he would rather give up his kidney than talk with his nemesis, Dan "Danny" McGraw. Big Doug said he hadn't spoken to the "arsehole mechanic" in years and didn't plan to, at least in this lifetime.

This, of course, left Little Doug to speak with his "stupidvisor" at work on the following Monday. Little Doug expressed great reluctance in doing so. He said he does his best to stay away from the man whenever possible. After much pressure from Oscar and Big Doug, however, he eventually agreed to issue the challenge.

Little Doug said he would let everyone know about the outcome of his discussion with his boss. Then he had a great coughing fit and found it necessary to leave the show. A coughing fit is Little Doug's method of choice for excusing himself from uncomfortable situations.

***

The week before Canada Day passed quickly.

By Wednesday, Little Doug had no news on the outcome of the challenge. He said his "stupidvisor" was away on a course until Thursday.

Thursday and Friday passed without any sign of Little Doug. Weed, Daisy and Baby Doug had driven to New Hampshire for the week, so even indirect news was unavailable. On Saturday, on the eve of Canada Day, Little Doug finally made an appearance on his porch.

Oscar made a beeline for Little Doug's porch and asked if the big street hockey challenge had been accepted.

"Nope," Little Doug replied, "I didn't go to work on Thursday or Friday. He pointed to some swelling in his left eye and said, "I've got pink eye."

***

Surprisingly, members of the Sack's street hockey team weren't particularly disappointed about Little Doug's failure to issue the challenge to the Pleasant Street mob.

In the week leading up to Canada Day, misfortune had weakened the team considerably. Mrs. Wonders burned her arm in a fight with a hostile coffee machine and Weed sprained his ankle in New Hampshire. Handsome Man turned out to be from Portugal and admitted to only watching a few games of hockey on television. He did say he would be happy to oblige the Sack, if a soccer game against Pleasant Street was ever arranged.

Little Doug, of course, was suffering from pink eye and Computer Doug learned that CPR methods had been changed recently. He said he wouldn't want to act as trainer given the risk of a lawsuit by Little Doug. Finally, Big Doug had forgotten about a scheduled colonoscopy on Friday. He said his arse was feeling a bit uncomfortable as a result.

Your agent, of course, was feeling fine.

***

Nevertheless, the Sack's first ever Canada Day street party turned to be a roaring success.

The yard sale portion of the day saw considerable traffic from the outside world. Several Pleasant Street residents even visited the Sack's market-like atmosphere. Big Doug was thrilled when he sold an old VCR to the mechanic who overcharged him a few years ago. Apparently, the rewind function on the unit is very slow. Big Doug failed to mention this when the transaction was made. Although the mechanic didn't recognize him, Big Doug said it was the best ten dollars he had ever made.

Despite his pink eye, Little Doug made more than one hundred dollars at the yard sale. He promptly spent this and a little bit more by purchasing things from other residents.

The smell of the barbeque grills hung over the Sack for most of the afternoon and early evening. Sack kids cavorted around the street with Maple Leaf decals on their faces and Canadian flags tucked into their ball caps. The evening fireworks were modest, yet enjoyable.

Handsome Man ran through the Sack in the midst of the yard sale. He interrupted his running regime to accept a free glass of lemonade from Florence and Mrs. Wonders. They were temporarily staffing a lemonade stand organized by several entrepreneurial Sack kids. However, the kids had quickly dispersed when they learned about a treasure trove of Pokemon cards on sale at the bottom of the street.

After accepting a small Canadian flag and tucking it into the waistband of his shorts, Handsome Man gave a polite wave and jogged away. Florence told him he could come back anytime if he got thirsty again.

***

In the opinion of many, the best part of the day was the loosely-arranged street hockey game that did occur below the Sack's centre circle. In the mid-afternoon, two teams were hastily arranged amongst both adults and kids. The game lasted for well over an hour.

The highlight occurred midway through the game. Oscar, of course, was acting as the referee. He was becoming increasingly annoying to the players as the game wore on. At one point, he sent Weed to the penalty box, a large rock in the Sack's centre circle, for "smirking in my general direction." Little Doug received another penalty for wearing black socks with his shorts and sneakers.

Justice, however, was finally served. Despite the burn on her right arm, Mrs. Wonders fired a wrist shot toward the opposing net. Young Doo had his back turned to the play and the hard plastic ball ricocheted off his helmeted head. Oscar was walking toward the play with a whistle in his mouth. The ball struck him sharply above his left cheek bone.

The sudden impact of the ball caused Oscar to step backwards. Unfortunately, he stepped on the blade of Weed's outstretched hockey stick. His right foot slid forward and he lost his balance.

Oscar fell hard on his tail bone.

***

Computer Doug gave Oscar's eye a quick examination and concluded that no serious harm had occurred. A red welt had already appeared, with only a small amount of swelling apparent. By the end of the evening, however, Oscar had an impressive black eye.

Oscar's tail bone was only bruised, but it made it hard for him to sit down for the rest of the day. Big Doug said there's nothing better than seeing someone fall on their arse, especially when they deserve it.

Just before midnight, the Canada Day festivities finally came to an end. Sack residents had filled the centre circle with their folding chairs and moderate amounts of drink had been consumed. Although Pleasant Street hadn't received their comeuppance, everyone agreed that it was one of the most memorable Canada Days ever.

Oscar, standing against a tree in the centre circle, certainly agreed. Pointing toward his impressive black eye, he said he would probably remember the day for several weeks to come.

***