The Sounds of Silence

It looks like Ben and Norma are going to take a vacation in Cuba.

***

"Tap-a-tap-a-tap-a."

That's how Computer Doug describes the droning sound that has permeated the Sack since last week. A condominium complex is being built not far away. Construction began in earnest a week ago.

The "tap-a-tap-a-tap-a" sound is generated by the rock-breaking attachment on a large construction machine. The old town is built on very rocky ground. Explosives are often necessary before construction can begin, followed by lengthy periods of rock breaking. The rock breaking even takes place throughout the weekends.

It can go on for weeks at a time.

***

Sack people are accustomed to hearing "tap-a-tap-a-tap-a." There has been a lot of construction in the area over the last five years. When a new subdivision was built nearby, "tap-a-tap-a-tap-a" was heard for an entire summer.

Eventually, one gets used to the constant drone of the rock breaker. But the first week or so can be quite annoying.

Computer Doug doesn't think rock breaking should be allowed during the winter. He says it's hard enough for some people to manage in the winter without hearing "tap-a-tap-a-tap-a" all day long. It is even tougher, he added, when you have to look after two young boys by yourself on a Saturday.

***

Oscar says he doesn't mind the "tap-a-tap-a-tap-a" sound at all. It starts to have a beat to it after a while, in his opinion. Besides, he says the sound is a reminder of what it must've sounded like back in the days of the Flintstones.

Oscar watches the Flintstones on television every day. He used to watch the show during his lunch hour when he was a school kid. Few people, he claims, get to do things they used to enjoy as kids. He says this is one of the best things about working from home.

***

Weed was complaining about noise of a different kind when we saw him last night.

Apparently, one of his co-workers at the call centre is very good at talking incessantly. He says this young woman seems incapable of remaining silent for longer than a few seconds.

Weed says the call centre gig is tough enough without having a constant talker around.

This doesn't mean, of course, that he doesn't hold some sympathy for the young woman. He admits that she might be lacking in confidence and doesn't feel comfortable with the periods of silence that arise in work or social situations. But he says she talks so much, it's becoming impossible to listen to anything she says. As a consequence, he frequently has no idea what she's talking about.

A day might come, according to Weed, when the young woman will say something very important and no one hear it.

***

This line of thinking lead Weed to another one of his ground-breaking ideas for a "smoother society."

Weed has conceived of numerous ideas he thinks will bring benefits to humankind. These ideas include his sophisticated day-rating system, his argument for the three-day work week and my favourite, his "all-weather," outdoor, moving sidewalk idea.

Weed calls his latest concept, "the Five-year Word Limit."

Under Weed's plan, people will be allowed to speak a liberal, but reasonable number of words during every five-year segment of their lives. As long as you didn't talk too much, Weed says there wouldn't be any problem. But, if someone exceeded their word limit before the five years expired, a penalty would be imposed.

The penalty, Weed explained, would involve the person having to "shut his yap" for the rest of the five-year period. Theoretically, this would teach the person to talk less when the next five-year period began.

He says it would also give other people a break from the person's "constant yapping."

***

Oscar immediately identified a number of problems attached to Weed's idea. In particular, he noted the challenges of accurate word counting and, of course, how it would all be enforced. This was without mentioning, Oscar added, some possible human rights violations connected to the idea.

Weed acknowledged Oscar's concerns. He admitted that he hadn't given any thought to the details of the idea. He isn't what you might want to call "a detail man," he explained to Oscar. His strength, Weed said, was in the creation of ideas, not the implementation of them.

Oscar said this was probably a good thing.

***

Weed told us about his five-year word limit idea on Saturday night.

The three of us had gone to a university hockey game together, along with Oscar's boy, Dorian. One of the old town's universities was involved in a playoff game. It was expected to be a very exciting game.

The idea about going to the game came from Oscar. Taking Dorian to the hockey game, Oscar explained, was the only way he was going to get out of the house that evening. Dorian, of course, is fanatical about hockey and was more than pleased to help his father out.

Oscar invited Weed to the game earlier in the day, when they encountered each other at the local coffee cathedral. Although Weed enjoys hockey, he was more interested in getting out of the Little Doug household for the evening. A group of Daisy's friends from out-of-town was visiting and they were planning to hold an early baby shower on her behalf. The other alternative was watching fishing shows on television with Little Doug.

Since Oscar had secured free tickets for the game, it would also be an inexpensive evening for Weed. With a child on the horizon and with their hopes of being able to buy a house, Weed says him and Daisy are on a "Scrooge budget" for the foreseeable future.

***

The hockey game, according to young Dorian, was quite exciting. From what I could see, I think he was right.

For Oscar and Weed, the game itself was like a television set droning in the background. We might as well have been sitting in the Wonders' front room. There was an ample supply of drink and a designated outdoor smoking area for those who were so inclined.

There were two incidents of note during the hockey game outing. The first occurred when it was identified that young Dorian had not been seen for most of the game. While the lad is old enough to be left to his own devices at such events, Oscar realized that his wife, B.W. would be significantly miffed, if we returned from the game without their only offspring. If the boy wasn't located before the game ended, Oscar explained, it would be the last time he could use the boy's interests as a way of getting "out on the town."

Thankfully, Weed suddenly spied the waggish twelve-year-old sitting in an ice-level seat, eating a monstrous hot dog. We were sitting almost at the very top row of seats, so Oscar was very impressed with Weed's sharp eye.

Weed said he has always been very good at spotting things. If there was ever a professional circuit for the childhood game, "I Spy," Weed said he would be a very rich man, indeed. He also said he "hardly breaks a sweat" when confronted by a "Where's Waldo?" picture.

***

The second incident of note happened in the middle of the final period of the hockey game.

During the game, each of us had purchased a number of "50-50" tickets. The university's alumni association sold the tickets as a way of raising money for the hockey team. The lucky winner would get half of the ticket revenue, with the other half going to the team.

As is the custom at such events, we agreed to split the proceeds if any of us had the winning ticket. Such declarations are usually followed by chatter about having a nightlong foray into the old town's bar district, where the windfall could be quickly exchanged for drink, food and hilarity.

None of us had ever won a "50-50" draw.

***

Of course, there is always a first time for everything. During the final period they announced the winning ticket number on the public address system. We won the "50-50" draw. The winning proceeds amounted to four hundred and eighty-seven dollars.

Oscar went to collect the money on our behalf.

As he was returning with the money, they announced the name of the winner on the public address system. We were delighted when they identified Gordon, our neighbour and grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society, as the winner of the money. Oscar had identified himself as Gordon, so anyone at the game who knew him wouldn't innocently mention the windfall to his wife, B.W.

***

Oscar was quite intent on ensuring that B.W. did not learn about the "50-50" victory. He said she would undoubtedly spend it all at the flea market on Sunday. He said he was going to put his share aside in their vacation fund without her knowledge.

Dorian, of course, was aware that we had won the money. As we walked out of the arena, Oscar passed him a twenty-dollar bill and indicated that it would be helpful if the boy kept the news of the win to himself.

Dorian, of course, is very much his father's son. He said fifty dollars would be the absolute minimum fee for keeping his mouth shut around the old homestead. Oscar laughed and then threatened to throw the boy in a nearby snowbank, if he dared to negotiate for another penny more. With a good-natured smile, the boy gladly took the twenty-dollar bill.

"My lips," he said with a toothy grin, "are sealed."

***

B.W., of course, found out about the "50-50" windfall within thirty minutes of their arrival at home.

Dorian told her that he wanted to go to the flea market with her the next day. He showed her his twenty-dollar bill and said he wanted to buy some hockey cards from a dealer there. He freely admitted that Oscar had given him the twenty dollars.

When confronted about the twenty dollars, Oscar quickly confessed to the "50-50" victory. Now B.W. and Dorian are going to the flea market together on Sunday morning. Oscar says he ended up with only forty dollars from his share of the money. "If my family was part of an organized crime family," he explained, "we'd be the first branch of the family to end up in a witness-protection program."

Oscar also says he learned a valuable lesson from the whole experience of trying to keep a secret from B.W.

Dorian is a lot smarter than Oscar thought.

***

Snow Blowin' in the Wind

Things are eerily quiet at the Bitterman residence.

Maxwell hasn't been seen for days. According to Weed, even the matrons at the old coffee cathedral have been asking about him.

It's like a news blackout has descended on the Sack, as far as the Bitterman household is concerned. Something significant must have occurred, but hasn't been announced yet.

At least, that's the story we're making up for ourselves.

***

Last Wednesday was a time of mixed blessings for Ben and Norma.

Canada was knocked out of the Olympic men's hockey. After winning gold in Salt Lake City, the team will come home empty-handed.

Norma thinks it could be weeks before Ben will be able to talk openly about this. Apparently, he's putting his hands over his ears if anyone even remotely mentions the subject. Norma says Ben handled his colonoscopy far better than he's coping with the hockey defeat.

Thankfully, however, Ben has something positive to divert his attention from the Olympics. Apparently, he's going to receive a "kick-ass" income tax refund this year. He heard this news from a fellow at H&R Block on Wednesday, just after the hockey game ended.

Ben says that he and Norma are unable to agree on how to spend their windfall. Norma would like them to take a trip to Cuba. Ben thinks they should invest in a "kick-ass" snow blower.

***

Nobody in the Sack currently owns a snow blower.

A number of people could probably afford one, but no one in their right mind, as Oscar puts it, would dare to make such a purchase.

The owner of a snow blower, so the reasoning goes, would be obligated to help other Sack residents after a significant snowfall. It would simply be an unspoken expectation.

Ben, of course, is a terrific person and likely wouldn't hesitate to help others out. Ultimately, however, it would become a no-win situation. Invariably, somebody would be left out of the snow blower treatment and, as Oscar says, "noses would get knocked out of joint."

Noses get knocked out of joint in the Sack with some regularity.

***

Norma says she has tried to explain this to Ben. Unfortunately, Ben is a well-known "gadget guy." He likes to play and tinker with machinery and tools, even if he doesn't really need them.

If not for Norma, Ben would probably own a lawn tractor, even though their front lawn is only slightly bigger than a king-sized mattress.

Ben, however, argues that he needs a snow blower because of his bad back. This is his same rationale for getting a lawn tractor. But Norma says he'll do even more damage to his back by bending over to tinker with these toys than snow shoveling and lawn mowing would ever do.

Besides, Norma argues, Ben could resolve his back problems by exercising more often. She points to Oscar and Little Doug as shining examples of people who are taking responsibility for their health by engaging in regular exercise.

Oscar, of course, continues to engage in regular walks as part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," while Little Doug is fighting off diabetes in the same manner. Oscar's walks invariably end with coffee and donuts at the old coffee cathedral.

Little Doug's recent walks have been ending at the local Canadian Tire store. His daughter, Daisy has to pick him up there, because he's too tired to walk home again. It's not clear if Little Doug's diabetes is getting any better, but Weed says Little Doug's supply of household hardware is growing every day.

***

Ben and Norma are planning to go out today to look at snow blowers and to visit a travel agent or two. By the end of the day, they say they'll make a decision on one or the other.

Most Sack people are anticipating a trip to Cuba will be the outcome.

***

A Blue Hue

Is there a winter equivalent to the "dog days" of summer?

That's what Oscar was wondering today. He says everyone, including himself, seems to be in a gray midwinter funk.

I don't know if there's an equivalent for "dog days." I could ask my friends at Wikipedia, but I just don't feel like it.

Oscar says he's going to call it the "rat days" of winter, unless someone tells him otherwise. I told him he could call it whatever he likes.

I don't give a damn, either way.

***

There is, unfortunately, some truth to Oscar's observation. There doesn't seem to be too many smiling faces around the Sack this weekend.

Ben, for example, wore a mixture of nausea and disgust on his face while he unloaded groceries from his car on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, he was deeply affected by the outcome of a hockey game at the Olympics. Canada is a favourite to win a second straight gold medal in hockey. On Saturday morning, however, the team lost to Switzerland.

Although the team is still in the running to win the gold medal, Ben says there can only be "gloom and doom" ahead. Losing to Switzerland, he pointed out, is the equivalent of American major league baseball players losing to Australia.

Ben said it was bad enough to be watching a hockey game on television in the morning. He said it was like eating pancakes for supper.

***

Norma, Ben's wife, thinks he takes the Olympics too seriously.

She said Ben spends most of his free time watching the games on television. Other than hockey, she said he normally doesn't watch sports at all. The Olympics, she added, is a whole different "kettle of fish," as far as Ben is concerned.

Over the course of the Olympics, Norma said Ben gets caught up in the triumphs and disappointments of the different competitors. Although he tends to favour Canadian athletes, Norma said he's just as likely to root for a skier from Luxembourg or a figure skater from Britain.

Regardless of whom he might root for, Norma thinks Ben should try to take the results in stride.

Unless, of course, you're talking about Canada's loss to Switzerland, she added. Norma said she felt sick to her stomach when the game was over. She felt so bad, she had to send Ben out to get the groceries by himself.

***

Weed was also surrounded by an aura of dreariness.

He said he was having a 2.4 day (on a scale of one to ten) when Oscar and I encountered him at the local coffee cathedral on Saturday. Since he began his sophisticated day-rating system, he said he has yet to score below four on any given day. This includes the days where he labours at the call centre. On weekends, he said he has never fallen below six.

On an optimistic note, Weed conceded that almost half the day was still remaining. There was still a chance for things to get better. He said he was going home to watch the Olympics on television. He had been taping all of the live action, so he could settle in and watch it at night. He had successfully avoided any news about the day's results.

He said he was really looking forward to watching the hockey game between Canada and Switzerland.

***

Weed said the weather was the biggest reason for his funk.

Not only is it bitterly cold, but it's also very windy. This puts everyone in a bad mood, he explained, because we have to "stiffen our muscles" every time we walk outside. Stiff muscles, according to Weed, are one of the leading causes of a bad mood.

Weed said he was also in a bad mood because the coffee cathedral was out of maple sugar donuts. He said this was like adding an insult to injury.

***

Maxwell has made himself scarce this week, according to Weed.

Normally, Weed said he would run into Maxwell at least once a day at the coffee cathedral. But he hasn't seen him since Monday. Oscar said he has only seen Maxwell once or twice this week around the Sack. In both cases, he was leaving the Bitterman house on foot.

Maxwell is supposedly working as roofer, as he waits for his painting business to get off the ground. Mr. Bitterman used his connections to get Maxwell the roofing gig, even though Maxwell holds the roofing fraternity in very low esteem. During his first week as a roofer, Maxwell only made it to work for three and a half days.

Weed says he has no idea how many days Maxwell worked this week. However, Daisy told him she saw Maxwell at the food court in the local shopping emporium on Thursday. She said it was midmorning and Maxwell was sitting at a table with two older men. One of the men apparently had a prosthetic arm.

***

Of course, it's possible that Cutlass Supreme Painting is now up and running and the roofing business is safely behind Maxwell. He could have been having a business meeting in the food court with some prospective customers.

Oscar says this is very unlikely. First of all, he hasn't seen a 1993 Cutlass Supreme around the Sack this week. This will be the first clue, Oscar says, that Maxwell has joined the entrepreneurial class.

He also recalled that Maxwell has a candlepin bowling uncle who's one arm short of a pair. The bowling lanes are also found at the local shopping emporium. It's more than likely, Oscar surmises, that Maxwell was bowling instead of roofing on Thursday.

He's probably right about that.

***

Gordon doesn't need bad weather to push him closer to the black hole of misery. He seems to have a talent for getting there on his own.

This week, Gordon is irate with the old town's waste management professionals. Apparently, there was a problem when they came to pick up his recyclable materials on Friday.

One of the "recycling scavengers" who hunt through the Sack's garbage "went a little too far" with Gordon's blue bag. Somehow, his small bag of soft drink cans was pilfered and replaced by someone else's bag of cardboard containers. The waste management professionals refused to take the bag, since this particular cardboard belongs in the compost bin. Compost bins aren't picked up until next week.

***

Gordon tried to explain that the bag didn't belong to him, but this made no difference to the waste management professionals. They said they wouldn't take the bag even if it was owned by the mayor himself. Now Gordon has to wait until next Friday before he can rid himself of someone else's garbage.

What bothered Gordon most about the whole affair was the attitude of the waste management professionals. He said they made no effort to maintain "good customer relations" with him.

There was one particular "sullen punk" who irked Gordon the most. His response when Gordon tried to explain his garbage dilemma?

"Tough titties."

***

Oscar and I roared with laughter when Gordon told us about the guy's response. When we told Weed about it, he almost spilled his coffee. If the coffee cathedral wasn't out of maple sugar donuts, he surely would have sprayed donut shreds around the table. There is definitely a bright side to a maple sugar donut shortage.

In fact, there's usually a bright side to everything, even in the midst of a midwinter funk. Of course, some people have more trouble than others finding the bright side of things. That's just the nature of people, I suppose.

Of course, sometimes there seems to be no way of taking a different view of things. We just have to grit our teeth and hope things get better.

Tough titties, indeed.

***

Opening Day Jitters

Burning Manor is scheduled to reopen almost two weeks from now.

***

The power connections to the rebuilt home were made today. From the outside, it looks like the interior painting has been completed, as well.

The house is stilling missing a front porch and a back deck. These structures will probably be erected next week. Meanwhile, Gordon is wondering if the front yard will receive a new layer of sod.

Actually, Gordon is doing something more than just wondering about this. He's positively fretting about it.

***

Beyond all the past indoor shenanigans at Burning Manor, the condition of its front yard has always been a source of frustration for many Sack people. Prior to the fire, the lawn was (for lack of a better word) dead. In the summer, it would quickly take on desert-like qualities. Oscar says he once saw tumbleweed meander silently across it.

This could be true.

***

After all the commotion from the fire, and then enduring the subsequent reconstruction, the front yard now looks like it was used as a battleground.

In some ways, I suppose it has.

***

Several years ago, it became clear that Dirk had some inkling that people weren't happy with the state of his yard.

He might have figured it out by the looks people gave him. Maybe he finally noticed the contrast between his yard and those around him. But most people think he developed the inkling after Elizabeth told him that his front lawn looked like a "godforsaken no-man's land."

Elizabeth was irate because of all the weeds growing on her lawn. She said they were being blown over from Dirk's lawn. It was one of many complaints she hit him with, after some friends of Burning Manor walked into her place by mistake. She has a way of holding on to her complaints and then letting loose with them all at once.

This can't be good for one's blood pressure.

***

So, Dirk and Dora made a grand effort to beautify their front yard.

The first thing Dirk did to improve its appearance was quite surprising. One can only hope that it was part of some local custom adopted from whatever part of the country he originally hails from.

Dirk acquired a dead tree stump and plunked it in the middle of his lawn.

The best anyone can guess is that the stump was for ornamental purposes. Gordon, of course, was incredulous. He says it's impossible to conceive that anyone would place a tree stump on a lawn for esthetic value.

This, of course, might be one of Gordon's shortcomings. His boundaries around what's possible are too firm. He might need to loosen them a bit, or to make things even easier, get rid of them altogether.

Life is far more manageable when you accept that anything is always possible.

***

It's said that Dora was responsible for the second act of beautification in Burning Manor's front yard.

There is, however, some dispute about this. Some people claim Dirk was the one who made the effort. Either way, Burning Manor suddenly had a sparse grouping of flowering annuals. They were planted in one of the many small areas where the yard was completely bereft of grass.

The flowers were a deep purple and they were carelessly strewn about in the soil. Oscar says it looks like Dora (or maybe, Dirk) tripped while carrying a tray of the annuals and then planted them where they landed.

He could be right about this.

Unfortunately, the flowers were dead before the end of the summer. This should be no surprise, according to Mrs. Wonders, if one doesn't water them at all.

***

When last summer arrived, Burning Manor had no flowers at all. Dirk and Dora must have figured they'd done enough to satisfy whatever complaints they'd heard from Elizabeth and others.

Of course, it all became a moot point when Burning Manor was set ablaze.

But now Dirk and Dora have a chance to start over again. They might decide that they want to do more to look after the appearance of their home. This is always easier to do when you're starting over again.

***

Most Sack people seem to think that new shenanigans will undoubtedly take place at Burning Manor when Dirk and Dora move back. Gordon is predicting they'll have a visit from the peelers within two weeks of moving in.

He could be right about this. Of course, Elizabeth has already sworn to call the peelers on Dirk and Dora if they "so much as breathe too loud."

***

One can only be optimistic that Dirk and Dora will breathe quietly and fly under everyone's radar for as long as possible. And hopefully, they'll keep their new home even just a little more presentable on the outside. A little effort would keep most Sack residents off their backs.

Meanwhile, Oscar and I are looking forward to the return of the big, barking and bored dog and his little mate, Doggy Baun.

It has been more than six months since we've seen these two canines.

Oscar says he wouldn't be surprised if Dirk and Dora are without their dogs. He thinks they've been living in an apartment since the fire. It's possible, he says, that they had to get rid of the dogs.

***

Of course, there's no way of knowing what will come to pass when Dirk and Dora return.

It's usually best to consider the best and worst-case scenarios and then expect something somewhere in between the two. At the same time, it's also best not to rule out that both the best and worst-case scenarios could occur, too.

After all, anything is possible.

***

Occupational Hazards

Another nor'easter hit the old town last Sunday.

There were periods during the storm when the snow abated, before resuming with a frenzy. During one of these pauses, a trio of kids appeared and cavorted on the snow piled in the Sack's centre circle.

Two of the kids were from Rental Doug's blended family. Tremayne was the third kid. They stayed outside for less than an hour. Then they disappeared indoors again.

If the Sack is any example, it seems like kids don't play outside like they used to, especially during the winter. When I was a kid, a snowfall was an instant invitation to head outside for as long as possible. The only exception was when it was windy. Unless one is planning to fly a kite, windy days and playing outside are not a very good mix.

It could be that kids have too much to hold their attention indoors. Of course, there could be any number of good reasons for this. More than likely, there are probably a few not-so-good reasons, too.

***

Oscar and I settled in for an evening in my front room on Saturday.

We were equipped with drink suitable for the occasion. Although it isn't our custom to do so, we watched television for a time. Both of us wanted to catch the end of a particular program.

During a break in the program, we saw a commercial for an Outdoor Life Network program called Survivorman. Apparently, a lone individual is dropped into an impossibly remote area and survives for a period of time in the natural environment.

The commercial ended with the announcer asking, "Do you think you could do it?"

***

"Nope."

That's what Oscar and I said in unison. Neither of us, we agreed, has any interest in surviving in any kind of inhospitable place.

It would be, as Oscar suggested, "a really big drag" if you found yourself in such a predicament.

***

The commercial inspired a discussion about what each of us would do, if we survived the decimation of modern civilization.

If our world was suddenly reduced to a primitive hunting and gathering society again, Oscar said he would definitely join the ranks of the gatherers. He said hunting and killing, even as a source of food, would be a tough thing to get used to after a life of grocery shopping.

Oscar says he'd become an "instant vegetarian" if this ever happened. He said it would just be simpler that way.

On the other hand, Oscar thinks he would have a lot to offer to the gathering community. He believes he would be very good at gathering.

He could be right about that.

***

The premier of our province is retiring. A leadership convention was held on Saturday. The winner became the new premier, at least until the next provincial election is held. The premier of a Canadian province is like the governor of an American state.

In other words, our province was getting a new Arnold Schwarzenegger.

***

The convention was being shown on television on Saturday. It was the ending of this program that Oscar and I wanted to see.

The winner of the leadership convention was a guy who is only thirty-four years old. He's the youngest provincial premier in Canada's history.

***

Not surprisingly, the new guy has little in common with the real Schwarzenegger.

He doesn't look very tall and he seems like he might be a bit flabby around the waist. Oscar says Arnold would probably make short work of the new premier if the two had to fight each other.

The guy certainly doesn't have Arnie's money, either. I think he was a teacher before he went into politics.

The only thing the two might have in common is a link to the entertainment business. The new premier is an accomplished fiddle player. He even has a critically-acclaimed CD to his credit.

Oscar, however, doesn't think the new premier's musical background is a very good omen. The last politician to play the fiddle was Nero.

"And we all know how that ended," Oscar said.

***

If I was a little bit smarter, or had my friends at Wikipedia at my side, I would have said to Oscar, "Yes, I do know how that ended, but I have to disagree with the fiddle part."

According to my Wikipedia friends, Nero couldn't have been fiddling while Rome burned. The fiddle hadn't even been invented then. It's believed that Nero was singing, instead. If he was playing an instrument at all, they say it might have been a lyre.

But he certainly wasn't playing a fiddle.

During this discussion, we realized that both of us had first learned about Nero from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Oscar says most of his knowledge of classical music and ancient history comes from watching Bugs Bunny.

He's probably not alone in this regard. As kids, we were learning some practical things from Bugs Bunny when we stayed in indoors, even though we didn't realize it at the time.

But we did get the fiddling Nero part wrong, however. Thanks to Wikipedia, we now stand corrected.

***

Just after the leadership convention ended, Weed appeared.

He told us he had narrowly averted a potential Valentine's Day catastrophe. Earlier in the day, he purchased a Valentine's card for Daisy. Weed said he wanted to make sure he "got everything right" for Valentine's Day, since Daisy is currently pregnant with their first child. He had already arranged for her to receive some flowers at her work on Tuesday.

Several hours after buying the card, he started to get a nagging feeling about it. The card was starting to seem vaguely familiar. That's when Weed realized he might have bought Daisy the exact same card last year.

***

The only way to confirm his suspicions, he explained, was to look in Daisy's "hope chest." Apparently, this is where she safeguards all of her keepsakes. He says she has every card she has ever received in this box.

Weed said he couldn't get into Daisy's hope chest without her knowledge, as long as she was still in the house.

With only about an hour to spare before the local shopping emporium closed, Weed was finally able to get some time alone with the hope chest. This was when Daisy had to pick up Little Doug from his exercise walk.

Little Doug has started a walking regime as a result of his recent diabetes diagnosis. Originally, he was limiting the walks to the confines of the Sack. But people kept stopping and offering him a ride when they drove past in a car. He says he tired of having to explain himself. Now he's walking outside of the Sack instead.

Apparently, Little Doug walked so far on this particular journey, he didn't have the energy to walk back. He didn't have any money with him either, so he couldn't take the bus home.

***

While Daisy was gone, Weed rifled through the stack of cards in her hope chest.

He actually did buy the same card as he did last year. To make matters worse, Weed says he was going to write almost the exact same thing in this year's card as he did last year. He said he had just enough time to go out and select a new card.

Using a digital camera, Weed also took pictures of the cards he gave Daisy for every special occasion during the last three years. There would be no way, he explained, that such duplication would ever happen again.

***

Weed said he felt like a spy when he was taking pictures of the cards.

He thinks spying would be an interesting occupation. Most important, it's a job where you could work from home. Working from home is one of Weed's highest aspirations.

Weed is currently working in a call centre. There's some talk there about a small number of people doing their jobs from home. Weed, however, wants no part of this. The call centre, he explained, keeps a very close eye on what people do with their time. Other than getting to wear his pyjamas while he worked, Weed said it would be no different from working inside the call centre.

The management of the call centre, he said, is always spying on their employees.

***

With Weed's arrival, we realized we were hosting one our shows, instead of just consuming drink in my front room. Oscar said we should come up with some topics for Weed. That's how we decided to ask Weed if he would prefer to be a hunter or a gatherer, if modern civilization was brought to its knees.

Weed said he would be probably be a hunter. He said he once went hunting with Little Doug and some of Little Doug's friends. He wasn't sure what they went hunting for, but he thinks it might have been a moose. Either way, it didn't matter much because they didn't find anything to shoot. They did, however, spend considerable time enjoying drink.

Weed said he would definitely be up for hunting, if it was going to be like that. Gathering, he suspects, would be a dull activity.

***

We also asked Weed what Nero was doing while Rome burned.

Weed said he didn't know. He said vaguely remembered some detective on television named Nero, but he hadn't heard anything about any Italian fires.

Oscar also mentioned to Weed about the outcome of the leadership convention. Weed said he didn't know we were getting a new premier. Apparently, no one had told him about it.

***

Finally, Oscar asked Weed if he'd ever heard of an opera called The Barber of Seville.

Weed considered this for a moment and then asked, "Isn't that the one from Bugs Bunny?"

***

Bright Lights

Cold weather has returned to the old town.

Finally, it feels and looks like February. If our previous mild winter weather was evidence of global warming, Oscar says he's willing to burn as many fossil fuels as possible to help things along. Big Doug would probably be in favour of this, too. He could tend to his lawn for the entire year, if this neck of the woods became a tropical environment.

I think I'll just put on an extra sweater for now.

***

Maxwell now has a week of roofing work under his belt.

Actually, it wasn't exactly an entire week. Three and a half days would be a more precise figure. Weed, the Sack's leading authority on all things Maxwell-related, provided this information during a recent chat at the local coffee cathedral.

Maxwell started his job as a roofer on Monday. Mr. Bitterman, future grandfather to Maxwell and Britney's unborn child and Maxwell's new landlord, used a connection to catapult him into the work force. Weed says Maxwell is now referring to Mr. Bitterman as his father-in-law.

***

According to Maxwell, he worked on Monday and Tuesday. Late on Tuesday afternoon, he claims that he suffered a "strained rib cage" while dismantling some scaffolding. By Wednesday morning, he said he could barely move, so he took the day off.

He forced himself back to work on Thursday, but decided to be on the safe side by taking Friday off. This would have given his strained rib cage a full three-day rest, he explained to Weed.

Unfortunately for Maxwell, he was called into the job site before noon on Friday, despite the condition of his rib cage.

***

Maxwell says the guy who runs the roofing crew is "a bit of an arsehole."

Apparently, this is the norm in the roofing business. At least, that's what Maxwell explained to Weed. Fortunately, Maxwell doesn't expect to spend much time working under "arseholes" for very much longer.

Cutlass Supreme Painting, the business Maxwell has been threatening to unleash on the old town, is apparently on the verge of becoming a reality. If everything goes according to plan, he says it will be up and running as early as next week.

According to Maxwell, his cousin has a very good friend who knows someone connected to a new four-story apartment building in the old town. Maxwell says there's a very good chance that Cutlass Supreme Painting will secure the gig to paint the new apartment units.

Weed says listening to Maxwell is better than watching television by a long shot.

***

Ben and Norma quit smoking at the beginning of the year.

Norma tells me that Ben has been nibbling on sunflower seeds as a way of coping with his tobacco craving. Unfortunately, she keeps finding the shells from Ben's sunflower seeds all over their house. She said she had to make Ben vacuum the interior of their truck twice last week because of the debris.

Oscar was relieved to hear this story. It explains why he has been noticing sunflower seed shells in front of the community mailbox across the street from the Sack. Until now, Oscar thought we had another food mystery on our hands.

***

Florence may soon be hosting another foreign student in her home.

She does this several times a year to make some extra money. She also enjoys the company and likes to learn about other cultures. Last year, she had two young South Korean teachers stay with her for varying lengths of time.

Florence isn't sure about the nationality of her next student or even when the boarding arrangement will occur. She's still waiting to hear back from the placement agency. But she's hoping it will be a German student this time. She says she hasn't hosted a German before and would like to give it a try.

Oscar would like to see Florence host another Israeli student. A few years ago, a young Israeli woman stayed with her for three months. The young woman was here to learn English after completing her service in the Israeli military. She was a very attractive young woman.

Oscar didn't wear his pyjamas outside in the Sack for the entire time the young Israeli woman was here.

***

Finally, Gordon has found something new to sink his teeth into in his role as grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society.

The street light in front of Little Doug's house isn't working. Gordon has been calling and sending email to the old town's civic offices all week in an effort to have it repaired.

Little Doug, of course, is probably thrilled about the malfunctioning street light. It shines directly into his bedroom window. He has tried in vain to convince the old town to have it removed. Officials have suggested that he simply buy better curtains for his bedroom window. They also told him there must be a certain distance between street lights for safety purposes. Removing the light would apparently plunge the Sack into a state of dangerous dimness.

***

Gordon is quite aware of Little Doug's dislike for the street light.

He's also upset with the state of Little Doug's side yard. The abandoned lawn mower that serves as the centre piece to the mess in Little Doug's yard is covered in snow. Only the handles are visible now.

In his own defense, Gordon says his efforts to have the street light repaired have nothing to do with Little Doug. He says it's important to maintain good order in the Sack. If you let things fall into disrepair, he claims, vandalism and thievery will soon follow. Apparently, this is how New York City bounced back from near oblivion a few decades ago. Gordon says if this approach was good enough for New York City, it must be good enough for the Sack.

Of course, everyone knows it's all about payback for Little Doug's messy yard.

***

Silent Faces

There are twenty-five houses in the Sack.

Most people on the street are familiar with each other. About half even socialize with each other to various degrees. Most of the others would at least know each by sight.

Then there's the handful of people nobody really knows much about at all.

***

If you drove into the Sack and looked at the first house on your right, you would see one of its unknown quantities. A couple in their late twenties or early thirties lives there.

This couple doesn't seem to have any interest in the Sack at all. Nor do they seem to have much interest in their own house, either. Instead, they seem more focused on what Oscar calls, "doing their thing."

This means doing things like sea kayaking, snowboarding and mountain biking.

***

The couple own a late-model SUV. There's almost always some kind of recreational equipment strapped to the top of it, especially on the weekends.

Oscar says the couple reminds him about a commercial that used to be on television. It was an advertisement for a particular brand of chewing gum. It showed a young couple doing all kinds of exciting, athletic activities together. Before or after every activity, one of them would offer the other a stick of the chewing gum.

Nobody knows if the Sack's couple chews gum or not. They're not around often enough for anyone to find out.

***

The couple moved to the Sack about three or four years ago. When they moved in, they had out-of-province license plates on their car. Apparently, they were from Saskatchewan.

Last year, they had a visitor who stayed with them for the entire summer.

People in the Sack were aware of the visit, even though nobody actually caught a glimpse of the visitor. In early June, a car with North Dakota license plates sat in front of the couple's house. Although it moved sporadically, the car remained on the street until early September.

There might have been more than one visitor, of course. But no one in the Sack could really be sure. The couple continued to be as active as ever. They were rarely noticed when they arrived or departed. Everyone figured the visitor was probably being active with them.

***

Gordon wasn't happy about the car from North Dakota being parked on the street for so long. It wasn't parked illegally, of course, but it rankled Gordon nonetheless.

When he complained to others about the car, more people started paying attention to the house and its occupants. Previously, people gave them only a fleeting glance.

This is when people started to say how aloof the couple seemed to be. Some people noted how they made no effort to even interact with their immediate next-door neighbours.

Elizabeth even spoke out about the sorry state of the couple's front yard. Big Doug observed that most of the grass was dying. He said the driveway cried out for resealing.

***

Of course, the couple remains unaware of these observations. They continue to go snowboarding, mountain biking and kayaking. Even if they were aware of the complaints, they probably wouldn't do anything different.

They're too busy living their lives and, as Oscar said, "doing their thing." And, of course, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Oscar did, however, make an attempt to interact with the man who lived at the house. He tried to start a conversation, while the guy was tying his kayak to the top of his SUV. Oscar said the guy clearly had no interest in chatting.

Of course, Oscar was wearing his pyjamas at the time. He had walked down to the corner to get his mail.

***

So people are certainly free to "do their own thing."

But that won't stop Sack people from making up their own stories about each other's lives, especially those they know very little about. It just seems like that's what people do in a cul de sac.

At least that's what it seems like in this particular cul de sac.

***

Another of the Sack's unknown quantities can be found several houses down from the active couple. Nobody knows anything about this house or its occupants.

The house used to be owned by a gay couple. One of the men had children from a previous marriage. His kids used to stay with him from time to time. The kids used to play regularly with other Sack kids. This is when the house was a known quantity.

The gay couple moved away and obviously, someone new bought the property and moved in. Everyone agrees that someone moved in. Some people can even say they saw the new owner move in. And there's a car that's parked in the driveway with some regularity.

But no one has any clear idea about who lives in the house or what they even look like. Whoever does live there does a very good job of flying under the Sack's radar.

***

Of course, flying too low under the radar is one way to get attention in the Sack. That's also when people start to craft their new stories.

Oscar says the property could be home to a marijuana grow-op. Weed, however, doesn't agree. He says the place is far too small for such a thing. Suburban grow-ops, he says, need more square footage.

I have no idea about such matters.

***

Every time Oscar's boy, Dorian goes door-to-door with some school or hockey-related fundraising scheme, he asks the boy to pay special attention to the Sack's unknown quantities.

Sometimes this is the only way to improve the authenticity of the Sack's stories about itself.

Of course, learning more about each other has its drawbacks. Sometimes the real stories are far more fantastic than we could ever make up.

***

Walking Stick

The monsoons have been upon us for the past few days.

At least, that's what it seemed like. The heavy rain has now melted most of the snow dumped on the town last week.

It has been a weird winter in many ways. And it's not over, yet.

***

The next meeting of the Sack Resident's Society will be held in March.

Gordon made the announcement in his presidential-like email to Sack residents. According to the message, the timing of the meeting was chosen strategically. It will occur after Dirk and Dora have moved back into the Sack. Gordon said we'll have a better sense of the "lay of the land" when it comes to the issue of Burning Manor.

***

Gordon also provided an update on the Sack's most recently-broken tree branch. Apparently, there has been no progress or further information on this case.

He actually referred to it as "a case."

Then he urged residents to let him know immediately, if they hear anything more about the matter.

***

Oscar wants to open a Hotmail account and send anonymous cryptic clues to Gordon about the broken branch affair. He says it will keep Gordon off balance and prevent him from going too far in his role as grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society.

All things considered, this might not be a bad idea.

***

Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's beau, is now officially a Sack resident.

Little Doug says he saw Maxwell with some green garbage bags presumably filled with his personal belongings. Apparently, Maxwell and Britney were unloading the bags from the back of Mr. Bitterman's car.

In addition to the garbage bags, Little Doug says Maxwell also retrieved a lacrosse stick from the back of the car. When he returned to the car, Little Doug asked him if he was a lacrosse player.

Maxwell said he had bought the lacrosse stick earlier in the day at the local flea market. Apparently, he obtained the stick for the modest sum of ten dollars. He said the stick is clearly worth at least four times that amount.

He did admit that he once played a game of lacrosse when he was a teenager. And he even watched a few minutes of a game on television the other night. But he certainly didn't plan on playing lacrosse anytime soon.

Maxwell's plan is to sell the stick for more than what he paid for it.

***

Little Doug says that Maxwell asked him if he wanted to buy the lacrosse stick. He declined the offer immediately. Then he told Maxwell that it might help if he didn't reveal the price he paid for the stick, when trying to sell it to someone.

Maxwell agreed that this would be a good idea.

***

Little Doug also reported that Britney Bitterman seemed to be upset with Maxwell as they unloaded his belongings from her dad's car.

He couldn't tell if it had anything to do with the lacrosse stick purchase.

Whatever raised Britney's ire, according to Little Doug, caused her to call Maxwell an "effin' dick."

There's a good chance it had something to do with the lacrosse stick purchase.

***

Little Doug was privy to this whole affair because of his diabetes.

Daisy has convinced him that regular exercise will help prevent diabetes from pushing him around. So, now he has embarked on a daily walking regime.

Little Doug is the second Sack resident to start a walking regime this year. Oscar has been walking regularly as part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," his futile attempt at male breast reduction.

Since all of Oscar's walks end at the local coffee cathedral, Little Doug says he wants to avoid going for walks with him. He thinks Oscar's man boobs are actually bigger than when "Man Boobs Be Gone" began.

He could be right about that.

***

Little Doug's walking regime involves walking up and down the street and then around the Sack's centre circle. This is how he witnessed Maxwell's official arrival as a permanent Sack resident.

He says it's safer for him to stay in the Sack, rather than "risk" walking past the coffee cathedral. If Oscar happens to see him, Little Doug says he'll be easily convinced to sit down for coffee and donuts.

Little Doug is the Sack's biggest fan of maple sugar donuts. Daisy says he'll become a "big-time" diabetic, if he ventures near another maple sugar donut.

***

So, Little Doug's walking regime involves walking repeatedly around the Sack for thirty minutes.

Mrs. Wonders noticed him walking around in the rain on Sunday. She had the impression that he'd lost something and was repeatedly retracing his steps.

Finally, I went out with an umbrella and asked him if he needed any help. That's when I found about his new walking regime. It's also when I learned about Maxwell and his new lacrosse stick.

***

Little Doug said I was the third person to ask if he needed some help. He said he spent twenty minutes talking with young Doo's soon-to-be step dad, Sticky.

Florence also drove past in her car. She asked Little Doug if he wanted a ride anywhere.

Little Doug said he'd been outside for almost forty-five minutes, but had only managed to get about fifteen minutes of walking done.

***

During his chat with Sticky, Little Doug learned that Doo is going to be tested for an attention deficit disorder.

Apparently, the school is making arrangements for the tests. According to Sticky, young Doo is like a "buckin' bronco at a rodeo" when he's at school.

If Doo turns out to have the disorder, Oscar says the boy will be able to claim temporary insanity when Gordon tries to nail him in the broken branch case.

As I said, it has been a weird winter, so far.

***