Snow Blowin' in the Wind

Things are eerily quiet at the Bitterman residence.

Maxwell hasn't been seen for days. According to Weed, even the matrons at the old coffee cathedral have been asking about him.

It's like a news blackout has descended on the Sack, as far as the Bitterman household is concerned. Something significant must have occurred, but hasn't been announced yet.

At least, that's the story we're making up for ourselves.

***

Last Wednesday was a time of mixed blessings for Ben and Norma.

Canada was knocked out of the Olympic men's hockey. After winning gold in Salt Lake City, the team will come home empty-handed.

Norma thinks it could be weeks before Ben will be able to talk openly about this. Apparently, he's putting his hands over his ears if anyone even remotely mentions the subject. Norma says Ben handled his colonoscopy far better than he's coping with the hockey defeat.

Thankfully, however, Ben has something positive to divert his attention from the Olympics. Apparently, he's going to receive a "kick-ass" income tax refund this year. He heard this news from a fellow at H&R Block on Wednesday, just after the hockey game ended.

Ben says that he and Norma are unable to agree on how to spend their windfall. Norma would like them to take a trip to Cuba. Ben thinks they should invest in a "kick-ass" snow blower.

***

Nobody in the Sack currently owns a snow blower.

A number of people could probably afford one, but no one in their right mind, as Oscar puts it, would dare to make such a purchase.

The owner of a snow blower, so the reasoning goes, would be obligated to help other Sack residents after a significant snowfall. It would simply be an unspoken expectation.

Ben, of course, is a terrific person and likely wouldn't hesitate to help others out. Ultimately, however, it would become a no-win situation. Invariably, somebody would be left out of the snow blower treatment and, as Oscar says, "noses would get knocked out of joint."

Noses get knocked out of joint in the Sack with some regularity.

***

Norma says she has tried to explain this to Ben. Unfortunately, Ben is a well-known "gadget guy." He likes to play and tinker with machinery and tools, even if he doesn't really need them.

If not for Norma, Ben would probably own a lawn tractor, even though their front lawn is only slightly bigger than a king-sized mattress.

Ben, however, argues that he needs a snow blower because of his bad back. This is his same rationale for getting a lawn tractor. But Norma says he'll do even more damage to his back by bending over to tinker with these toys than snow shoveling and lawn mowing would ever do.

Besides, Norma argues, Ben could resolve his back problems by exercising more often. She points to Oscar and Little Doug as shining examples of people who are taking responsibility for their health by engaging in regular exercise.

Oscar, of course, continues to engage in regular walks as part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," while Little Doug is fighting off diabetes in the same manner. Oscar's walks invariably end with coffee and donuts at the old coffee cathedral.

Little Doug's recent walks have been ending at the local Canadian Tire store. His daughter, Daisy has to pick him up there, because he's too tired to walk home again. It's not clear if Little Doug's diabetes is getting any better, but Weed says Little Doug's supply of household hardware is growing every day.

***

Ben and Norma are planning to go out today to look at snow blowers and to visit a travel agent or two. By the end of the day, they say they'll make a decision on one or the other.

Most Sack people are anticipating a trip to Cuba will be the outcome.

***