Walking Stick

The monsoons have been upon us for the past few days.

At least, that's what it seemed like. The heavy rain has now melted most of the snow dumped on the town last week.

It has been a weird winter in many ways. And it's not over, yet.

***

The next meeting of the Sack Resident's Society will be held in March.

Gordon made the announcement in his presidential-like email to Sack residents. According to the message, the timing of the meeting was chosen strategically. It will occur after Dirk and Dora have moved back into the Sack. Gordon said we'll have a better sense of the "lay of the land" when it comes to the issue of Burning Manor.

***

Gordon also provided an update on the Sack's most recently-broken tree branch. Apparently, there has been no progress or further information on this case.

He actually referred to it as "a case."

Then he urged residents to let him know immediately, if they hear anything more about the matter.

***

Oscar wants to open a Hotmail account and send anonymous cryptic clues to Gordon about the broken branch affair. He says it will keep Gordon off balance and prevent him from going too far in his role as grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society.

All things considered, this might not be a bad idea.

***

Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's beau, is now officially a Sack resident.

Little Doug says he saw Maxwell with some green garbage bags presumably filled with his personal belongings. Apparently, Maxwell and Britney were unloading the bags from the back of Mr. Bitterman's car.

In addition to the garbage bags, Little Doug says Maxwell also retrieved a lacrosse stick from the back of the car. When he returned to the car, Little Doug asked him if he was a lacrosse player.

Maxwell said he had bought the lacrosse stick earlier in the day at the local flea market. Apparently, he obtained the stick for the modest sum of ten dollars. He said the stick is clearly worth at least four times that amount.

He did admit that he once played a game of lacrosse when he was a teenager. And he even watched a few minutes of a game on television the other night. But he certainly didn't plan on playing lacrosse anytime soon.

Maxwell's plan is to sell the stick for more than what he paid for it.

***

Little Doug says that Maxwell asked him if he wanted to buy the lacrosse stick. He declined the offer immediately. Then he told Maxwell that it might help if he didn't reveal the price he paid for the stick, when trying to sell it to someone.

Maxwell agreed that this would be a good idea.

***

Little Doug also reported that Britney Bitterman seemed to be upset with Maxwell as they unloaded his belongings from her dad's car.

He couldn't tell if it had anything to do with the lacrosse stick purchase.

Whatever raised Britney's ire, according to Little Doug, caused her to call Maxwell an "effin' dick."

There's a good chance it had something to do with the lacrosse stick purchase.

***

Little Doug was privy to this whole affair because of his diabetes.

Daisy has convinced him that regular exercise will help prevent diabetes from pushing him around. So, now he has embarked on a daily walking regime.

Little Doug is the second Sack resident to start a walking regime this year. Oscar has been walking regularly as part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," his futile attempt at male breast reduction.

Since all of Oscar's walks end at the local coffee cathedral, Little Doug says he wants to avoid going for walks with him. He thinks Oscar's man boobs are actually bigger than when "Man Boobs Be Gone" began.

He could be right about that.

***

Little Doug's walking regime involves walking up and down the street and then around the Sack's centre circle. This is how he witnessed Maxwell's official arrival as a permanent Sack resident.

He says it's safer for him to stay in the Sack, rather than "risk" walking past the coffee cathedral. If Oscar happens to see him, Little Doug says he'll be easily convinced to sit down for coffee and donuts.

Little Doug is the Sack's biggest fan of maple sugar donuts. Daisy says he'll become a "big-time" diabetic, if he ventures near another maple sugar donut.

***

So, Little Doug's walking regime involves walking repeatedly around the Sack for thirty minutes.

Mrs. Wonders noticed him walking around in the rain on Sunday. She had the impression that he'd lost something and was repeatedly retracing his steps.

Finally, I went out with an umbrella and asked him if he needed any help. That's when I found about his new walking regime. It's also when I learned about Maxwell and his new lacrosse stick.

***

Little Doug said I was the third person to ask if he needed some help. He said he spent twenty minutes talking with young Doo's soon-to-be step dad, Sticky.

Florence also drove past in her car. She asked Little Doug if he wanted a ride anywhere.

Little Doug said he'd been outside for almost forty-five minutes, but had only managed to get about fifteen minutes of walking done.

***

During his chat with Sticky, Little Doug learned that Doo is going to be tested for an attention deficit disorder.

Apparently, the school is making arrangements for the tests. According to Sticky, young Doo is like a "buckin' bronco at a rodeo" when he's at school.

If Doo turns out to have the disorder, Oscar says the boy will be able to claim temporary insanity when Gordon tries to nail him in the broken branch case.

As I said, it has been a weird winter, so far.

***