Occupational Hazards

Another nor'easter hit the old town last Sunday.

There were periods during the storm when the snow abated, before resuming with a frenzy. During one of these pauses, a trio of kids appeared and cavorted on the snow piled in the Sack's centre circle.

Two of the kids were from Rental Doug's blended family. Tremayne was the third kid. They stayed outside for less than an hour. Then they disappeared indoors again.

If the Sack is any example, it seems like kids don't play outside like they used to, especially during the winter. When I was a kid, a snowfall was an instant invitation to head outside for as long as possible. The only exception was when it was windy. Unless one is planning to fly a kite, windy days and playing outside are not a very good mix.

It could be that kids have too much to hold their attention indoors. Of course, there could be any number of good reasons for this. More than likely, there are probably a few not-so-good reasons, too.

***

Oscar and I settled in for an evening in my front room on Saturday.

We were equipped with drink suitable for the occasion. Although it isn't our custom to do so, we watched television for a time. Both of us wanted to catch the end of a particular program.

During a break in the program, we saw a commercial for an Outdoor Life Network program called Survivorman. Apparently, a lone individual is dropped into an impossibly remote area and survives for a period of time in the natural environment.

The commercial ended with the announcer asking, "Do you think you could do it?"

***

"Nope."

That's what Oscar and I said in unison. Neither of us, we agreed, has any interest in surviving in any kind of inhospitable place.

It would be, as Oscar suggested, "a really big drag" if you found yourself in such a predicament.

***

The commercial inspired a discussion about what each of us would do, if we survived the decimation of modern civilization.

If our world was suddenly reduced to a primitive hunting and gathering society again, Oscar said he would definitely join the ranks of the gatherers. He said hunting and killing, even as a source of food, would be a tough thing to get used to after a life of grocery shopping.

Oscar says he'd become an "instant vegetarian" if this ever happened. He said it would just be simpler that way.

On the other hand, Oscar thinks he would have a lot to offer to the gathering community. He believes he would be very good at gathering.

He could be right about that.

***

The premier of our province is retiring. A leadership convention was held on Saturday. The winner became the new premier, at least until the next provincial election is held. The premier of a Canadian province is like the governor of an American state.

In other words, our province was getting a new Arnold Schwarzenegger.

***

The convention was being shown on television on Saturday. It was the ending of this program that Oscar and I wanted to see.

The winner of the leadership convention was a guy who is only thirty-four years old. He's the youngest provincial premier in Canada's history.

***

Not surprisingly, the new guy has little in common with the real Schwarzenegger.

He doesn't look very tall and he seems like he might be a bit flabby around the waist. Oscar says Arnold would probably make short work of the new premier if the two had to fight each other.

The guy certainly doesn't have Arnie's money, either. I think he was a teacher before he went into politics.

The only thing the two might have in common is a link to the entertainment business. The new premier is an accomplished fiddle player. He even has a critically-acclaimed CD to his credit.

Oscar, however, doesn't think the new premier's musical background is a very good omen. The last politician to play the fiddle was Nero.

"And we all know how that ended," Oscar said.

***

If I was a little bit smarter, or had my friends at Wikipedia at my side, I would have said to Oscar, "Yes, I do know how that ended, but I have to disagree with the fiddle part."

According to my Wikipedia friends, Nero couldn't have been fiddling while Rome burned. The fiddle hadn't even been invented then. It's believed that Nero was singing, instead. If he was playing an instrument at all, they say it might have been a lyre.

But he certainly wasn't playing a fiddle.

During this discussion, we realized that both of us had first learned about Nero from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Oscar says most of his knowledge of classical music and ancient history comes from watching Bugs Bunny.

He's probably not alone in this regard. As kids, we were learning some practical things from Bugs Bunny when we stayed in indoors, even though we didn't realize it at the time.

But we did get the fiddling Nero part wrong, however. Thanks to Wikipedia, we now stand corrected.

***

Just after the leadership convention ended, Weed appeared.

He told us he had narrowly averted a potential Valentine's Day catastrophe. Earlier in the day, he purchased a Valentine's card for Daisy. Weed said he wanted to make sure he "got everything right" for Valentine's Day, since Daisy is currently pregnant with their first child. He had already arranged for her to receive some flowers at her work on Tuesday.

Several hours after buying the card, he started to get a nagging feeling about it. The card was starting to seem vaguely familiar. That's when Weed realized he might have bought Daisy the exact same card last year.

***

The only way to confirm his suspicions, he explained, was to look in Daisy's "hope chest." Apparently, this is where she safeguards all of her keepsakes. He says she has every card she has ever received in this box.

Weed said he couldn't get into Daisy's hope chest without her knowledge, as long as she was still in the house.

With only about an hour to spare before the local shopping emporium closed, Weed was finally able to get some time alone with the hope chest. This was when Daisy had to pick up Little Doug from his exercise walk.

Little Doug has started a walking regime as a result of his recent diabetes diagnosis. Originally, he was limiting the walks to the confines of the Sack. But people kept stopping and offering him a ride when they drove past in a car. He says he tired of having to explain himself. Now he's walking outside of the Sack instead.

Apparently, Little Doug walked so far on this particular journey, he didn't have the energy to walk back. He didn't have any money with him either, so he couldn't take the bus home.

***

While Daisy was gone, Weed rifled through the stack of cards in her hope chest.

He actually did buy the same card as he did last year. To make matters worse, Weed says he was going to write almost the exact same thing in this year's card as he did last year. He said he had just enough time to go out and select a new card.

Using a digital camera, Weed also took pictures of the cards he gave Daisy for every special occasion during the last three years. There would be no way, he explained, that such duplication would ever happen again.

***

Weed said he felt like a spy when he was taking pictures of the cards.

He thinks spying would be an interesting occupation. Most important, it's a job where you could work from home. Working from home is one of Weed's highest aspirations.

Weed is currently working in a call centre. There's some talk there about a small number of people doing their jobs from home. Weed, however, wants no part of this. The call centre, he explained, keeps a very close eye on what people do with their time. Other than getting to wear his pyjamas while he worked, Weed said it would be no different from working inside the call centre.

The management of the call centre, he said, is always spying on their employees.

***

With Weed's arrival, we realized we were hosting one our shows, instead of just consuming drink in my front room. Oscar said we should come up with some topics for Weed. That's how we decided to ask Weed if he would prefer to be a hunter or a gatherer, if modern civilization was brought to its knees.

Weed said he would be probably be a hunter. He said he once went hunting with Little Doug and some of Little Doug's friends. He wasn't sure what they went hunting for, but he thinks it might have been a moose. Either way, it didn't matter much because they didn't find anything to shoot. They did, however, spend considerable time enjoying drink.

Weed said he would definitely be up for hunting, if it was going to be like that. Gathering, he suspects, would be a dull activity.

***

We also asked Weed what Nero was doing while Rome burned.

Weed said he didn't know. He said vaguely remembered some detective on television named Nero, but he hadn't heard anything about any Italian fires.

Oscar also mentioned to Weed about the outcome of the leadership convention. Weed said he didn't know we were getting a new premier. Apparently, no one had told him about it.

***

Finally, Oscar asked Weed if he'd ever heard of an opera called The Barber of Seville.

Weed considered this for a moment and then asked, "Isn't that the one from Bugs Bunny?"

***