Cuba, Si!

Dirk and Dora still haven't moved back into Burning Manor. It is looking more likely that the big day will be on April Fool's Day.

This is no simple irony. Rather, it's a delicious irony.

***

Ben and Norma are going to Cuba on Friday for a vacation.

It was Norma's idea to go on the trip. Ben wanted to buy a snow blower, but cooler heads prevailed.

Ben said he's going to wait and see how global warming pans out before he looks at snow blowers again.

***

Gordon and Big Doug are veterans of the winter vacation in Cuba. They've been going with their families for the last five years.

Quite a number of Sack residents have taken vacations there. Florence has traveled to Cuba on several occasions. Elizabeth went there for the first time a few years ago. Oscar spent some time there on a work-related gig several years ago, too.

Oscar tells me that even young Doo has been to Cuba. Apparently, he went there in February along with his mom and his new step dad, Sticky.

There could be even more Sack residents who've been to Cuba. Those are just the ones I know about.

***

Cuba seems to be a popular destination for Canadians, especially those who hail from the old town.

One can only guess at some of the reasons for this. Historically, Canada's political relations with Cuba have not been unfriendly. An economic relationship has endured, if not strengthened over the last ten years or so.

As a winter holiday destination, Cuba is a relatively inexpensive place, compared to other Caribbean countries. And, of course, the weather is quite favourable. Pale, knobbly-kneed Canadians are going to find their way there eventually.

***

Documenting the trials and tribulations of the Sack requires the observational skills of a detective and the inquisitive nature of an investigative journalist.

But it's hard to write with confidence about Sack residents and their forays into the opulent resorts of communist Cuba. Only someone who has been to Cuba could do justice to these stories.

Historically, the Wonders' have eschewed the warm, winter vacation. As a result, we've never been to Cuba.

This is about to change.

***

During the last week of April, the Wonders' will travel to Cuba.

Make no mistake, the trip will be purely a fact-finding one. We'll document the environment typically inhabited by past Sack visitors. We'll look for evidence of Cubans wearing Big Doug's "Hurry, Hard!" curling T-shirts. Cuban trees will be examined for signs of young Doo's branch-breaking handiwork.

It will be, as the saying goes, all work and no play.

***

It may not be a task that can be effectively managed by one person.

Thankfully, Oscar and his wife, G.W. will travel to Cuba at the same time. Oscar says he's going solely to conduct a scholarly investigation of the life and times of Ernest Hemingway. But, if assistance is required in documenting the activities of Sack residents in Cuba, he said he's prepared to make himself available.

***

Meanwhile, there is much to do in preparation for the trip to Cuba.

Passports must be renewed and summer clothing must be retrieved from storage. Mrs. Wonders and G.W. are considering a trip to a tanning salon, in order to prepare their delicate Canadian skins for the onslaught of Caribbean sunshine.

Oscar says he is going to "ramp up" Man Boobs Be Gone, his male breast reduction program, over the next three weeks. Of course, he's also planning to "ramp up" his intake of rum. The trip is an all-inclusive one, a feature he says will be lost on people if they don't practice overindulgence ahead of time.

Myself? I just need to sharpen some pencils and acquire a new notebook. There will be much work to be done in Cuba.

***

Branch Manager

It now looks like it will be only a matter of days, if not hours, before Burning Manor is occupied by Dirk and Dora once again.

The back deck was finished on Friday. The security lock on the front doorknob has been removed. Everything, with the exception of landscaping, looks complete. Oscar doesn't think the landscaping will be done until May.

Sack people expected to see Dirk and Dora move in on Saturday. Now, some predictions are calling for Monday as the move-in date. Others think it will be on April 1. These people tend to appreciate irony far more than those calling for Monday.

Either way, the Sack holds its breath in anticipation.

***

It's finally gone.

An errant Christmas tree branch has been a fixture around the Sack over the last few months. It was about four feet long and thick with pine needles.

It's unclear where the branch came from originally. One assumes it came from a discarded Christmas tree. Mrs. Wonders says it could have been a piece of one of the Christmas "weefs" that young Doo was selling on behalf of his "wimmin' cwub."

Either way, no one seemed willing to acknowledge ownership of the branch.

***

The branch first appeared at the foot of the Wonders' driveway in early February.

A fair amount of discarded garbage had been found around the Wonders' driveway prior to the appearance of the Christmas tree branch. So when I ran across it, I was a little bit miffed.

I flung the branch into the Sack's centre circle.

It would've been easy to place it in my compost bin. But like I said, I was a bit miffed. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing when you're miffed.

***

It's uncertain how long the branch remained lying in the Sack's centre circle. It was probably covered with snow at least once. Over the ensuing six weeks, the branch filtered its way through the Sack, where it was handled by at least four other residents. On Friday, the branch finally found its way into the back of a compost collection truck.

Independent reports on the branch have now been patched together. The result is a best guess on its circuitous path through the Sack.

***

Gordon appeared to be the next recipient of the Christmas tree branch. He said he found it on his lawn one day.

If there is something on Gordon's lawn that wasn't placed there by Gordon himself, one can expect the offending object will be discovered and removed immediately. It was sheer luck that Gordon didn't see how the branch found its way to his lawn.

Jimbo is the Sack's twelve-year-old informant on the nefarious activities of other Sack kids. He could've told Gordon that the branch was tossed on his lawn in the course of some typical kid shenanigans.

But Gordon didn't think to ask Jimbo about the branch.

***

Gordon assumed the branch came from a discarded Christmas tree belonging to Little Doug.

Little Doug, according to Gordon, is "famous" for having his Christmas tree around for months. He's also famous for "losing control of his garbage." At least, that's what it looks like from Gordon's vantage point.

***

Of course, Gordon is already miffed over the state of Little Doug's side yard. A lawn mower has been sitting in the middle of the yard for the entire winter. According to Gordon, he's not the only one who is upset about it. He says Big Doug can hardly bring himself to talk about the matter without feeling faint.

Either way, Gordon was miffed about finding the branch on his lawn. He flung it onto Little Doug's lawn without a moment's thought.

***

Little Doug thinks he found the branch about two weeks ago.

He had the day off from work to attend his final diabetes class at the old town's general hospital. Little Doug said he was thrilled to discover there wasn't any exam involved in the class. He hadn't looked at much of the reading material. He said his daughter, Daisy has really "boned up" on diabetes, so he hasn't had to worry about knowing much about it.

The diabetes class ended early in the afternoon, so Little Doug had some free time on his hands. Feeling inspired by the class, he decided to take a walk down to the coffee cathedral.

That's when he noticed the branch on his lawn.

***

Little Doug wasn't miffed when he found the branch on his lawn. He is not a man who is easily miffed. A more even-tempered man would be hard to imagine.

He was quite certain, however, about the branch's origins. Oscar, according to Little Doug, is well known for having his Christmas tree for months on end after the holiday season. He figured Oscar had brought the tree outside to dispose of it with the next scheduled garbage collection. Somehow, one of the tree's branches had found its way to Little Doug's yard.

Little Doug placed the branch at the foot of Oscar's driveway, in the area where Oscar usually puts his garbage out for collection. He expected that Oscar would see the branch and place it with his months-old Christmas tree. That's exactly what Oscar did, too.

***

During the March school break, Sack kids cavorted in the street en masse for the first time this year.

According to Jimbo, Oscar's boy, Dorian liberated the branch from Oscar's garbage area. He said the branch was used in a boisterous game of tag. Getting whacked with the branch apparently resulted in "it" status.

When the game of tag ended, the branch had outlived its usefulness. Jimbo said Dorian tried to "wing it" into the top of the trees that sit in the Sack's centre circle. Apparently, Dorian was unsuccessful in his attempt to lodge the branch into the branches of the circle's trees. In frustration, the branch was flung into the middle of the street.

A brief, but energetic game of soccer quickly began. The Christmas tree branch played the role of the soccer ball. It's Jimbo's theory that when the game ended the branch was lying at the foot of the Wonders' driveway. Apparently, that's when Doo's new step dad, Sticky showed up in the Sack on a motorcycle. He said the kids ran down to Doo's driveway to check out the bike.

***

Mrs. Wonders found the branch on Thursday and put it in our compost bin. The old town's waste management professionals took it away yesterday.

Oscar said he was miffed with Dorian for taking the branch out of the garbage. Dorian was miffed with Jimbo for telling Oscar about it.

Indirectly, the Christmas tree branch caused a number of Sack people to feel miffed about something. In the end, however, I have to bear full responsibility for this. If I had placed the branch in my compost bin in the first place, none of this would have happened.

I suppose it's a good reminder of that useful adage, "what goes around, comes around."

***

A Cut Above the Rest

Burning Manor inches toward its grand reopening.

Today, decorative shutters were attached to all of the windows on the front of the house.

The shutters are burgundy in colour.

***

I got my haircut this morning.

I go to a small barbershop in the old town that's owned and operated by a woman in her early sixties. She doesn't employ any other people. She's the one and only barber.

The place is most definitely a barbershop. It would be impossible to mistake it for a hair salon or a "hair cutting place." It has a faded linoleum floor and the three chairs in the waiting area are covered in sturdy, dark red naugahyde. A small coffee table in front of the chairs looks like it would have been fashionable in the 1950s. The table is covered by current and past issues of The Daily Snooze and The Chronically Horrid.

The barbershop is more than reminiscent of another era. It is from another era.

***

Most of the barbering equipment is old. The electric shavers look heavy and are made mostly of metal. You can see where the surfaces are worn from regular use. An extension cord on the Formica counter top is filled to capacity with connections to various appliances.

The waiting area chairs are only about four feet behind the two barbers' chairs. When you get your haircut, you can end up with a small, intimate three-person audience. Thankfully, this doesn't happen very often.

***

The woman who owns the shop is very short. My best guess would put her at four feet and ten inches high. Give or take an inch, if you prefer.

The first thing she'll say when you sit in the barber's chair is "Scootch down."

This means she wants you to sit very low in the chair so she can cut your hair in a comfortable position. It's a very good idea to "scootch down" when you're asked. It'll be nothing but guesswork when she cuts the top of your head, if you don't. Most people don't want guesswork involved in their haircuts.

It doesn't matter how many times you've visited the barbershop. Your haircut will always begin with "scootch down." This is one of several reasons I like to get my haircut there.

***

My hair used to be long. Now it's very short. (I'm a person who's prone to safe and carefully-considered extremes. You might say that I'm "a wild, but not crazy guy.")

Now that my hair is very short, my hair cutting needs are minor. I ask for the number four razor - not too short, but not long enough to require a comb. All I need is someone who knows what they're doing to run a shaver across my head. I'll tip generously for the job, but I don't expect to pay a lot of money for the amount of time it takes.

The cost of a haircut at this barbershop is only six dollars.

***

The barber is very good at running the shaver across people's heads.

According to the locals, she isn't known for being very good at any other barbering tasks. Apparently, this is why only men with very short or very little hair go to her barbershop. They just want a simple hair cut with the shaver. There's no need for scissors, other than the trimming of an errant hair.

On the counter in front of the barber's chair are all of the fixings for shaving a man's face. But the barber is not known to be very good at face shaving, either. As a result, you won't see anyone getting their face shaved.

You'll just see a steady stream of head shaving at this barbershop.

***

Most people would agree that the woman who runs the barbershop is a little bit odd. Oscar says she's crazier than a bag of hammers. He could be right about that.

After you "scooch down," she'll ask "What can I do ya for?"

She is very adept at this kind of hokey, homespun phrase and she'll use them quite liberally. In fact, I've heard so many corny sayings and phrases from her, that it's impossible for me to remember any of them. Most are immediately forgettable.

As soon as your haircut begins, she'll launch into a steady stream of consciousness. Replies and responses are neither expected nor desired. It's best to just sit back and let it happen.

Most of what she talks about is mundane, day-to-day stuff. If she's picking up groceries after the barbershop is closed, she'll tell you what's on her grocery list. If the weekend is coming, you'll get a detailed itinerary of her whereabouts and activities covering Friday through Sunday.

***

During my haircut today, the barber started talking about what she wanted to do when she retired.

She told me that she wanted to have a small house out in the country. To keep herself company, she said she would want to have three animals: A "wiener dog," a white duck and a kitten that looked like "Sylvester the Cat."

The wiener dog and the kitten would be the same age. She said they would grow up together and be best friends. Her enthusiasm was strongest for the wiener dog. She said she knew they were called Dachshunds, but she still preferred "wiener dogs." Wiener dogs, in her opinion, are the best dogs ever.

She didn't say anything else about the white duck.

***

Of course, the barber has absolutely nothing to do with the Sack. You might be wondering why I'm going on about her.

I just liked the simplicity of her retirement plans. She didn't say anything about money or travel, or any of the other things people think about when they consider the twilight years of life.

She just wants to be out in the country with a wiener dog, a white duck and a kitten that resembles Sylvester the Cat.

Man, I wish she had told me more about the white duck.

***

Earlier, I wrote that the waiting room chairs were dark red in colour.

It would be more accurate to say they were burgundy, the same colour as the new faux shutters on the front windows of Burning Manor.

***

Tools of the Trade

Spring descends upon the Sack.

***

Young Doo has emerged from winter hibernation.

It took only a few hours before he received his first admonishment from a Sack adult. This is consistent with previous years.

Oscar and Little Doug were making a minor repair to Oscar's car. They stood in Oscar's driveway, with both bent over the open hood of Oscar's recently-purchased vehicle. Little Doug was busily reattaching a loose wire, while Oscar was engaged in a supportive, but entirely observational role.

Suddenly, Oscar heard a scraping sound from the Sack's centre circle. Looking up, he saw Doo beside one of the circle's beleaguered trees. Doo was running a small handsaw back and forth across the tree's trunk.

He was in the beginning stages of chopping the tree down.

***

Oscar shouted a quick "Hey!" and walked across the street toward Doo.

Doo, of course, denied any involvement in attempting to cut down one of the Sack's trees. This is always the first phase in his extrication strategy whenever he's accused of wrongdoing in the Sack.

The second and final phase of Doo's strategy can be best described as "a hasty exit." Normally, phases one and two occur simultaneously; Doo makes his hot denials of responsibility while quickly walking backwards toward the safety of his home. As soon as a safe distance is created, he suddenly turns and sprints for home.

It's usually a very successful exit strategy.

***

This time, however, Doo had to collect some of his trouble making gear before he could make his exit.

As Oscar approached, he saw Doo hastily place the saw, a small crowbar and a claw hammer into a battered Adidas gym bag. Under questioning, Doo claimed the tools belonged to him. Apparently, he needed the tools for some "fixin'" that he had to do. Oscar said Doo was rather vague about the nature of the "fixin'," but remained adamant about his need for the tools.

Nothing seems to captivate six-year-old Doo more than tools and fixing things. If someone in the Sack begins work on an outdoor project, it's certain that Doo will appear within minutes. He will graciously offer to "hep" you with your project, even though he has no conception of what you might be building.

Oscar says it would be very helpful if Little Doug could be more like Doo. He said it's getting very tiring to ask Little Doug for help in matters of home maintenance. It would be far easier, he explained, if Little Doug would just show up when you flashed the silver glint of a hammer in the sunlight.

***

Despite Doo's fascination with fixing things, Oscar still couldn't justify the boy's ownership of the aforementioned tools. Few people would think it appropriate for a six-year-old to be in possession of a claw hammer, a saw or a small crowbar.

Under further questioning, Doo claimed that he had his mom's permission to be in possession of the tools. At least that's what it sounded like to Oscar as Doo backed slowly away, desperately lugging the gym bag containing the tools.

***

Later on, Oscar called Doo's mom to enquire about her knowledge of the tools.

Not surprisingly, she knew nothing about them. After getting the details of Doo's activities and claims, she said she would speak with her son. Several hours later, Doo's mom phoned Oscar back. Apparently, the tools had been pilfered from Doo's step dad, Sticky.

Sticky has now moved in with Doo and his mom. He brought his tool box and a collection of hand tools. Doo found them in the garage and must've thought he had hit the mother load of "fixin" equipment.

***

Doo's mom wants him to apologize to Oscar for telling a lie.

While Oscar understands why she wants him to do this, he still feels bad for the little tyke. Nevertheless, he said he'll still enjoy hearing Doo say, "I'm thorry." Most people would agree that it's not something heard too often around the Sack.

Apologies aside, one can only hope that Doo holds on to his love for tools and fixing things. He could have a lucrative career for himself some day.

And, at the very least, according to Oscar, Doo's fixing abilities will allow him to make up for all the things he has broken since being unleashed upon the Sack.

***

The Weeks of Our Lives

In the Sack, life continues to move in slow, awkward circles . . . . .

***

Daisy was telling Weed how much she looks forward to watching "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel. She was hoping that another one would be coming along soon. Apparently, "Shark Week" involves seven days of programs devoted to the matter of sharks.

Weed really liked the idea of the week long theme. He thought it would be useful to incorporate into his personal life.

On Monday, Weed announced that it was the official start of "Nap Week." It would be a week, he explained, focused on "intentionality and napping."

Yesterday, Weed said it had been a splendid week, so far.

***

Computer Doug, on the other hand, had a few difficult days last week.

Last Wednesday, he woke up at five-thirty in the morning. This is his normal practice on a working day. The next part of his routine is to take a quick, hot shower. Apparently, this is where things started to fall apart.

Not only was he greeted by a blast of cold water, but he soon learned that his furnace wasn't working at all. Fortunately, it didn't take long to figure out why: There wasn't a drop of oil in Computer Doug's oil tank.

***

Houses in the Sack (and in almost all of the old town) are heated with oil.

Computer Doug says he has the "primo" service contract with the old town's largest heating oil supplier. He says his part of the contract is to pay the company an exorbitant monthly fee.

The oil company's part of the deal is to ensure that Computer Doug never runs out of oil.

***

One would expect the oil company to quickly rectify the problem.

Computer Doug had done his part of the deal, but the oil company hadn't done theirs. He expected them to make a heroic effort to fix the problem. Unfortunately for Computer Doug and his family, no such attempt could be made right away.

The heating oil company said it would take several days to replenish the tank. It was the absolute best they could do. Apparently, their "system" isn't set up to deal with problems that aren't suppose to happen in the first place.

Unable to secure any immediate oil for the furnace, Computer Doug and his wife, Marion went with their two young children to stay with Marion's mother for a few days. It was the only way they were going to get any hot water or warm air.

The next day, while on his way to work, Computer Doug made an illegal left turn and received a traffic ticket. He received a second ticket because his license had apparently expired. Overall, his fines amounted to more than three hundred dollars.

Computer Doug said his theme would've been "Crap Week," if he had decided to employ Weed's new week long theme idea.

***

Dirk and Dora still haven't moved back into Burning Manor.

They were expected to move back on the first Saturday in March. Coincidently, this would have been Elizabeth's birthday. Elizabeth, of course, is the person in the Sack most averse to Dirk and Dora's return. She lives next door to them and has been bothered frequently by their shenanigans in the past.

As far as Elizabeth is concerned, the torching of Burning Manor was only the latest bit of craziness in the lives of Dirk and Dora. She expects more shenanigans will ensue when the couple returns.

She's probably right about that.

***

No one knows why it's taking so long for the house to be ready.

It seems like the work has slowed to a crawl. The back deck still hasn't been erected and the land surrounding the house remains a mixture of mud and rocks.

On the other hand, there are signs that the big move-in date is approaching. Much to Computer Doug's chagrin, an oil truck delivered heating oil to Burning Manor yesterday. This is a credible sign that the return of Dirk and Dora is imminent.

***

While Computer Doug was watching the oil delivery, he saw Dirk drive into the Sack. Attached to the rearview mirror of Dirk's car was a disabled parking tag. It was the familiar blue sign with the wheelchair image that allows one to park in spots reserved for disabled people.

Computer Doug said he saw Dirk get out of the car and enter Burning Manor. He didn't appear to have any mobility problems.

***

Sack theorists are presuming that Dora has somehow acquired a disability since Burning Manor was torched. There are many ideas about the nature of the disability. Most of these ideas are not very nice. Some people are even suggesting that Dora is pulling a scam in order to get a good parking spot at the liquor store.

I have no idea about any of this.

***

This is not the first time Dora's health has been a subject of curiosity among Sack dwellers.

About four years ago, there was a rumour that Dora had been diagnosed with cancer. At the time, she was at home quite often, so there was some concern that the rumours were true.

Thankfully, it was soon learned that instead of cancer, Dora just had canker sores in her mouth. Since she was working at a call centre at the time, it was necessary for her to be on extended sick leave.

Oscar suggested that people should make donations to the Canadian Canker Society as a show of support for Dora. I'm quite sure no one made the effort.

***

Finally, Sack kids have been enjoying their March break this week.

The basketball net from Oscar's house reappeared on the street and the thud of ball against pavement has played steadily in the background over the last five days. On Thursday night, the kids were even playing a game of tag in and around the houses that face the Sack's centre circle.

These activities are a sure sign of spring.

***

Eat the Rich

Work demands have kept us far from the blogging machine for over a week.

Of course, Sack news has continued to accumulate. It's even starting to pile up at the curb. We'll have to clear it out soon or it will start to overflow.

But first, we have to give Big Doug some space for his latest rant.

***

Big Doug is irate.

Thankfully, it has nothing to do with anyone in the Sack. It's not, as Gordon likes to say, "a Sack issue." Instead, the big man is upset with someone from the outside world.

Big Doug, it seems, is extremely miffed with Paul McCartney.

***

Big Doug hails from Canada's most easterly province, Newfoundland & Labrador. It is a beautiful, rugged place.

His dad was a fisherman, as were his many uncles. Before that, his grandfather was a fisherman. Big Doug says he doesn't know if the generation before that were fishermen, but he figures they probably were.

It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that Big Doug comes from a family of fishermen.

***

A few weeks ago, Paul McCartney and his wife, Heather arrived at the old town's airport.

They flew in from London and were making their way toward the ice fields near Newfoundland & Labrador. They were going to fly to Prince Edward Island and then take a helicopter to the ice fields.

They were planning on cavorting with seals when they arrived on the ice fields. According to The Daily Snooze, they wanted to raise international awareness about the barbaric nature of the annual seal hunt.

***

The seal hunt can be a touchy issue in Canada, especially in Newfoundland & Labrador. Not surprisingly, there are a lot of people who are against the hunt. But there are also quite a few who defend it. In fact, the closer you get to the ice fields, the more likely you are to meet proponents of the hunt.

Many people involved with the seal hunt are fishermen. Most of the fishermen are from Newfoundland & Labrador. That's probably why Big Doug would be in favour of it.

However, Big Doug didn't really have very much to say about the seal hunt. In fact, he didn't really say whether he was for it or against it. His complaint was really more about Paul McCartney than the seal hunt.

Not surprisingly, he doesn't think Paul McCartney should be given a soapbox to complain about something that affects the lives of working people. Big Doug says McCartney is a "skabillionaire" who hasn't seen a full day's work for "many moons."

Big Doug certainly thinks Paul McCartney should mind his own beeswax.

***

Big Doug was bothered most by Paul McCartney's appearance on Larry King's show on CNN.

After giving Paul and Heather "twenty-minutes of prime-time" on the seal hunt issue, Larry King asked the former Beatle what he was going to do to make the matter a priority on Canada's political agenda. McCartney replied that he had called the Canadian prime minister four times over the previous two days. Unfortunately, no one had shown the courtesy, so far, to return his calls.

A large, crooked vein was visible on Big Doug's forehead as he talked about this. He was incredulous that McCartney would expect the leader of a country to call him back.

***

Paul McCartney also upset Big Doug by referring to the prime minister as Steve Harper. The prime minister has always been known as Stephen Harper. Big Doug thought it was pure ignorance on McCartney's part to get this wrong. He said it would be like referring to Richard Nixon as Rick Nixon.

Big Doug's complaint about McCartney's knowledge of the prime minister's name has some validity to it. If you were going to learn anything about the new prime minister, you'd know very quickly that it would be impossible for him to be a Steve. He's definitely a Stephen to the core.

Some people are meant to remain as a Stephen or William. It's impossible for them to be Steve or Bill, let alone a Stevie or Billy. That's the way things are sometimes.

***

The best part of the show, according to Big Doug, was when the premier of Newfoundland & Labrador appeared and engaged in a ragged argument with the McCartneys.

The premier of Newfoundland & Labrador is a man named Danny Williams. He is definitely not a Daniel or even a Dan. He is a Danny all the way.

Danny Williams used to be a bruising hockey player. In fact, he's known from his days in the semi-pro ranks as a veritable hockey galoot.

In addition to being good (or bad) with his fists, he is also very quick with his tongue. Big Doug said he was thrilled to see Williams take on the "limp-wristed" Beatle. If anyone had the gumption to take on a celebrity, Big Doug said it would have to be Danny Williams.

Not surprisingly, Big Doug said Danny Williams didn't take any guff from Paul McCartney. He said the premier also "took McCartney's wife down a peg or two," as well.

***

Larry King didn't escape Big Doug's wrath, either.

He called King a "fawning cadaver" for letting McCartney and his wife go on about the seal hunt. He was also incensed because King kept referring to Newfoundland as "New Finland."

At the end of it all, Big Doug says he just doesn't like the idea of wealthy celebrities getting valuable air time for their pet causes. He wonders why they don't go on "Larry What-cha-ma-call-it" and talk about the fair distribution of wealth, instead of trying to "take food from the plates of hungry Newfoundlanders."

***

Of course, it's not like Big Doug to rant like this. Sack people think he's having trouble with the lack of snow. It has been weeks since his shovel has seen any action at all.

Oscar said he actually saw Big Doug running his shovel across a tiny, but persistent bit of ice in the middle of the street. He said it was oddly pathetic to watch the big man looking for something to use his shovel on.

Either way, Paul McCartney definitely got under Big Doug's skin last week. He was complaining about it to just about anyone who would listen. One of the people he complained to was Computer Doug. He told Computer Doug that he was going to throw out his old Beatles albums. He also thought he might have an old Wings album or two, as well.

Computer Doug is a music buff. While he is not a big Beatles fan, he has interest in collecting old albums. He plans on checking out Big Doug's garbage this Friday to see if any of the albums show up there.

If they don't show up, Computer Doug says this will be proof that Big Doug is really going through shovel withdrawal, rather than having any firm opposition to celebrities and the seal hunt.

He could be right about that.

***

Truth Be Told

The truth.

It's said to be the first casualty of war. It can set us free from the burden that comes from withholding it. And it's often stranger than fiction.

People say a lot of things about 'the truth'.

Maxwell, one of the Sack's more recent additions, seems to hold the truth in very high esteem. At least, that's what Oscar believes.

It's the only explanation, Oscar says, for why Maxwell would tell the truth so sparingly.

***

New beams of light have been shed on the recent escapades of Maxwell and his integration into the Bitterman household.

Maxwell, of course, has been Britney Bitterman's beau for about six months. He's also the father of her unborn child. That blessed event is supposed to take place in July.

Not surprisingly, Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman have not been overly enthusiastic about their daughter's union with Maxwell. One can only guess how they feel about the arrival of their first grandchild. Mixed feelings would be my own best guess.

Their lack of enthusiasm for Maxwell is unsurprising. He arrived in the Sack with a reputation for idleness and irresponsibility. And he already has a child from a previous relationship. He isn't paying child support, so it's no wonder the Bitterman parents would be leery of him.

I hope Maxwell can prove them wrong.

***

Britney Bitterman, of course, is no delicate flower. Rough around the edges would be the most hopeful way to describe her. In fact, a keen observer might say that Maxwell has more to be worried about than Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman.

According to popular opinion, Britney bites.

***

Despite their reservations about Maxwell, Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman have gone out of their way to help. Perhaps, this is because of their unconditional love for their daughter. Or maybe they just want to avoid getting bitten.

Mr. Bitterman secured a job for Maxwell. About three weeks ago, Maxwell began employment with a roofing company. With Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman's permission, Maxwell actually moved into the Bitterman home, so he and Britney could save money for the baby's arrival. That's a fairly sweet deal for someone who's unemployed and lives on social assistance. At least, that's how Mr. Bitterman described it to Oscar.

***

Things have not gone according to plan during these last three weeks.

The truth of the matter is unclear. Mr. Bitterman's version was presented to Oscar the other day. On the same day, Maxwell painted a very different picture when he ran into Weed at the coffee cathedral.

Regardless of which version rings most true, one thing remains constant. The Bitterman-Maxwell saga will not end well.

***

If you had wandered into the coffee cathedral the other day, you might've found a seat at a table near Maxwell and Weed. Weed would be the guy wearing a black pork pie hat over a pair of black ear muffs. Maxwell would be the tall, lanky one with the bad teeth. At least one part of his attire would bear the logo of the Montreal Canadiens.

While silently drinking coffee or nibbling on a maple sugar donut, you would've heard Maxwell's tale of the last three weeks. If you wrote down his story in chronological order, it might've looked like this:

1. Maxwell went to work for a roofing company. The company was run by "retards and morons" who have no business being in business. Despite severe injuries sustained on the job, Maxwell did most of the roofing work. His co-workers mostly sat around smoking marijuana and scratching themselves.
   
   
2. When the first two weeks of work ended, the roofing company "stiffed him" for his pay cheque. The pay cheque was going to be parlayed into the birth of Cutlass Supreme Painting. A guaranteed gig worth "thousands of dollars" was waiting for Cutlass Supreme Painting, but was dependent on the seed money from Maxwell's roofing pay cheque.
   
   
3. Maxwell quit the roofing job when his pay cheque did not appear. As a result, the launching of Cutlass Supreme Painting has been aborted once again.
   
   
4. Mr. Bitterman was very upset with Maxwell. He wouldn't believe anything Maxwell said. Maxwell even said he would "swear on a stack of Bibles" that his version of events was true. But Mr. Bitterman still wouldn't believe him. (Weed says there never seems to be a stack of Bibles around when people are willing to swear on one.)
   
   
5. Mr. Bitterman told Maxwell to leave the Bitterman residence. Britney, of course, was outraged and didn't want Maxwell to go. Apparently, a great hullabaloo ensued. (Weed swears that Maxwell actually said "hullabaloo.")
   
   
6. Maxwell moved out and went to stay with his cousin. Not the cousin who's in jail. This one's his cousin who lives near a jail.
   
   
7. Britney was heartbroken. She was going to leave home and move in with Maxwell at his cousin's apartment. (No one knows if his cousin was aware of this plan.) Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman couldn't convince Britney to stay. She was just about to leave when Mr. Bitterman came to his senses and agreed to let Maxwell come back to the Bitterman home.
   
   
8. Mr. Bitterman didn't understand the roofing and painting businesses. That was really what the problem was all about. Mr. Bitterman has lots of experience in the flooring business, but knows "squat" about roofing and painting. Finally, he was able to understand that Maxwell had been "screwed around" by the roofing company.
   
   
9. The concept of Cutlass Supreme Painting is still very much alive. It will probably be a few more weeks before it gets off the ground. In the meantime, Maxwell is going to do some work for a local painting company. Apparently, they were very specific in selecting Maxwell to help them out. Maxwell says he'll probably work as their head painter for a couple of weeks, then open Cutlass Supreme Painting.
   
   
10. Everything, according to Maxwell, is now "cool."
    
    
    ***

The Bitterman family has mostly kept their distance from other residents since they moved into the Sack about six years ago. They've always been polite, of course, but they haven't mixed with others in any meaningful way.

Until recently, Oscar had maintained a simple "driveway relationship" with Mr. Bitterman. They would simply nod to each other or exchange a brief wave. Sometimes they would chat briefly about the weather. But their contact wouldn't last longer than twenty seconds, according to Oscar.

Since the arrival of Maxwell, Mr. Bitterman has started talking with Oscar more often and in some detail, about the trials and tribulations of his family. Oscar says he now has more of a "bartender-type relationship" with Mr. Bitterman, without, of course, the bar and drink parts. Mostly, he just listens to Mr. Bitterman, occasionally giving a cluck of approval or a sympathetic grimace as the older man's woes are unloaded.

***

If you happened to be jogging through the Sack last week, you might've passed Oscar and Mr. Bitterman as they stood chatting between their respective driveways. If you bent down to slowly tie your shoe laces, you would've heard Mr. Bitterman's rant on the subject of Maxwell. If you wrote it down, it might've looked like this:

1. Maxwell, to put it politely, is "as thick as a board." He also has the mistaken impression that he's fooling everyone else. This is a key requirement, according to Mr. Bitterman, for being compared to the thickness of a board.
   
   
2. Over the course of two weeks, Maxwell worked less than four days. He either begged off with mysterious, untreatable injuries or went home within hours of arriving for work. In the middle of the second week, the head of the roofing crew fired him.
   
   
3. Not only is Cutlass Supreme Painting a figment of Maxwell's rudimentary imagination, so are the supposed customers lining up for Maxwell's services.
   
   
4. Britney Bitterman was enraged with Maxwell. She ran into him at the local shopping emporium on a day when he was supposed to be working. That was the day after he was fired. This is how Britney, and then Mr. Bitterman, found out about Maxwell's firing. When Mr. Bitterman ordered Maxwell to leave, it was with the full support of Britney. At that point, the relationship between Maxwell and Britney was "toast."
   
   
5. As each day passed without Maxwell, Britney's mood deteriorated. She was not, as Mr. Bitterman said, "a happy camper." After three days without him, she finally answered one of his phone calls. Two hours later, they met at the coffee cathedral. That's when Britney agreed to get back together with him.
   
   
6. Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman were upset when they learned of her contact with Maxwell. Britney made an "unholy racket" and was adamant about her decision to get back together with him. She said he "deserves another chance."
   
   
7. When Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman wouldn't budge from letting Maxwell back in their house, Britney started talking about moving in with Maxwell at his cousin's place. Apparently, the cousin lives in a small one bedroom apartment. It would be no place, Mr. Bitterman said, for his first grandchild to live. After much consultation with Mrs. Bitterman, they decided to let Maxwell come back. He said it was the only way to keep Britney in a good environment for the baby.
   
   
8. So Maxwell is going to get another chance. Mr. Bitterman has used another contact to secure employment for Maxwell. Apparently, Maxwell has one week to prove himself with a local painting company. The owner of the company is also familiar with Maxwell. If Maxwell "works his ass off," then he'll have continuing employment. If he tries to pull any shenanigans, Mr. Bitterman says it will be "ta-ta" for Maxwell.
   
   

***

Harmony has been restored at the Bitterman residence.

At least, that's how Maxwell seems to describe it. For Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman, it may just be the calm before the next storm.

Mr. Bitterman apparently tried to remind Britney that "the truth hurts," when he was arguing for her to remain free from Maxwell. Unfortunately, he told Oscar, she's not ready to hear this, yet.

Oscar told me that while the truth hurts in the Bitterman-Maxwell affair, it continues to be very entertaining. This, I agreed, is definitely true.

***