A Cut Above the Rest

Burning Manor inches toward its grand reopening.

Today, decorative shutters were attached to all of the windows on the front of the house.

The shutters are burgundy in colour.

***

I got my haircut this morning.

I go to a small barbershop in the old town that's owned and operated by a woman in her early sixties. She doesn't employ any other people. She's the one and only barber.

The place is most definitely a barbershop. It would be impossible to mistake it for a hair salon or a "hair cutting place." It has a faded linoleum floor and the three chairs in the waiting area are covered in sturdy, dark red naugahyde. A small coffee table in front of the chairs looks like it would have been fashionable in the 1950s. The table is covered by current and past issues of The Daily Snooze and The Chronically Horrid.

The barbershop is more than reminiscent of another era. It is from another era.

***

Most of the barbering equipment is old. The electric shavers look heavy and are made mostly of metal. You can see where the surfaces are worn from regular use. An extension cord on the Formica counter top is filled to capacity with connections to various appliances.

The waiting area chairs are only about four feet behind the two barbers' chairs. When you get your haircut, you can end up with a small, intimate three-person audience. Thankfully, this doesn't happen very often.

***

The woman who owns the shop is very short. My best guess would put her at four feet and ten inches high. Give or take an inch, if you prefer.

The first thing she'll say when you sit in the barber's chair is "Scootch down."

This means she wants you to sit very low in the chair so she can cut your hair in a comfortable position. It's a very good idea to "scootch down" when you're asked. It'll be nothing but guesswork when she cuts the top of your head, if you don't. Most people don't want guesswork involved in their haircuts.

It doesn't matter how many times you've visited the barbershop. Your haircut will always begin with "scootch down." This is one of several reasons I like to get my haircut there.

***

My hair used to be long. Now it's very short. (I'm a person who's prone to safe and carefully-considered extremes. You might say that I'm "a wild, but not crazy guy.")

Now that my hair is very short, my hair cutting needs are minor. I ask for the number four razor - not too short, but not long enough to require a comb. All I need is someone who knows what they're doing to run a shaver across my head. I'll tip generously for the job, but I don't expect to pay a lot of money for the amount of time it takes.

The cost of a haircut at this barbershop is only six dollars.

***

The barber is very good at running the shaver across people's heads.

According to the locals, she isn't known for being very good at any other barbering tasks. Apparently, this is why only men with very short or very little hair go to her barbershop. They just want a simple hair cut with the shaver. There's no need for scissors, other than the trimming of an errant hair.

On the counter in front of the barber's chair are all of the fixings for shaving a man's face. But the barber is not known to be very good at face shaving, either. As a result, you won't see anyone getting their face shaved.

You'll just see a steady stream of head shaving at this barbershop.

***

Most people would agree that the woman who runs the barbershop is a little bit odd. Oscar says she's crazier than a bag of hammers. He could be right about that.

After you "scooch down," she'll ask "What can I do ya for?"

She is very adept at this kind of hokey, homespun phrase and she'll use them quite liberally. In fact, I've heard so many corny sayings and phrases from her, that it's impossible for me to remember any of them. Most are immediately forgettable.

As soon as your haircut begins, she'll launch into a steady stream of consciousness. Replies and responses are neither expected nor desired. It's best to just sit back and let it happen.

Most of what she talks about is mundane, day-to-day stuff. If she's picking up groceries after the barbershop is closed, she'll tell you what's on her grocery list. If the weekend is coming, you'll get a detailed itinerary of her whereabouts and activities covering Friday through Sunday.

***

During my haircut today, the barber started talking about what she wanted to do when she retired.

She told me that she wanted to have a small house out in the country. To keep herself company, she said she would want to have three animals: A "wiener dog," a white duck and a kitten that looked like "Sylvester the Cat."

The wiener dog and the kitten would be the same age. She said they would grow up together and be best friends. Her enthusiasm was strongest for the wiener dog. She said she knew they were called Dachshunds, but she still preferred "wiener dogs." Wiener dogs, in her opinion, are the best dogs ever.

She didn't say anything else about the white duck.

***

Of course, the barber has absolutely nothing to do with the Sack. You might be wondering why I'm going on about her.

I just liked the simplicity of her retirement plans. She didn't say anything about money or travel, or any of the other things people think about when they consider the twilight years of life.

She just wants to be out in the country with a wiener dog, a white duck and a kitten that resembles Sylvester the Cat.

Man, I wish she had told me more about the white duck.

***

Earlier, I wrote that the waiting room chairs were dark red in colour.

It would be more accurate to say they were burgundy, the same colour as the new faux shutters on the front windows of Burning Manor.

***