Little Doug's Dilemmas

Florence is the Wonders' next door neighbour.

Last week she acquired a new pair of eyeglasses. The new ones are very modern and fashionable. Her old glasses were quite conservative and nondescript. Oscar says the new ones are "eye-catching eyeglasses."

Over the last three days, four different Sack residents have asked my opinion about Florence's new glasses. Apparently, a consensus on the matter has been elusive. Some people have given rave reviews, while others have panned the new glasses entirely.

For the record then, here is my opinion on the subject: Florence's new eyeglasses look fabulous.

***

It's tough to be Little Doug these days.

At least, that's what Little Doug, himself told me the other night. We encountered each other at The Bay, a department store that's located not far from the Sack. It seemed that both of us were shopping in the men's underwear section of the store at the very same time.

I see Little Doug with some frequency.

So it shouldn't take too long to exchange greetings and then move along. We don't need to catch up on any significant news about each other.

But on this particular day and place, Little Doug seemed keen to unload his more recent trials and tribulations. It didn't seem to occur to him that we were outside our normal element.

He pinned me down for about twenty minutes. He didn't want to let me go without hearing his troubles.

***

Little Doug became a grandfather recently for the first time. He says this is the best part of his life right now. Baby Doug, who Little Doug refers to as "the little fella," is the apple of his eye.

But the arrival of Baby Doug has also brought change to the household Little Doug graciously shares with his daughter, Daisy and her illustrious fiance, Weed.

First, there was the matter of the no-name Cheez Whiz. Weed had taken over the household shopping and quickly demonstrated his complete ignorance of Little Doug's culinary standards. Thankfully, this matter has been resolved. Only authentic Cheez Whiz has passed over the kitchen's threshold ever since.

Unfortunately, Weed has apparently committed another shopping faux pas.

***

This time he went wrong in the toiletry department. The bathrooms in the Little Doug household are now stocked with "tutti-frutti" shampoo.

Little Doug says he's very faithful when it comes to shampoo. Apparently, he has used the same brand for at least ten years. He said he couldn't really explain while he maintained such loyalty to the same product.

Then he added, "It's just the way I am, I guess."

***

But now Weed has brought home a horrible, fruity concoction. Little Doug says it makes his hair smell like fruit salad.

"Wow," I said, "Is it that bad?"

Little Doug clutched a shock of his hair and offered it to me.

"Here," he said, "Take a whiff."

"Pass," I replied quickly. Instinctively, I looked around to see if anyone was listening to us among the men's underwear.

"Well, then," Little Doug answered, "you'll just to have to take my word for it."

***

Breast feeding is also a matter of concern for Little Doug.

He has no problem with the practice itself, of course. But he says Daisy is very enthusiastic about it and makes no effort to hide the practice at home. Little Doug says she's a little bit too spontaneous about the whole matter for his liking. He said he finds it difficult to get comfortable when "boobs are flying around everywhere."

A few weeks ago, two of Daisy's friends paid a visit. Both women were also new mothers. According to Little Doug, it didn't take long before all three women began to breast feed.

"There were boobs everywhere," he said, "And I mean literally everywhere."

Little Doug seemed unaware that his voice had risen as he related this tale. Thankfully, there still wasn't anyone else around us in the men's underwear section.

Of course, this isn't unusual at The Bay. Sales help in this particular store is merely a rumour.

***

Little Doug also confessed that he has been "playing around" with an internet dating website. He said Daisy and Weed helped him to get set up with one specifically for folks in the old town and surrounding area.

Although he isn't very savvy when it comes to computers, Little Doug says he has been getting better since he started. He said he had communicated with some very nice people. One person, in particular, has even asked if he'd like to meet for coffee.

Little Doug said he would certainly like to meet with the woman at some point. But he doesn't want to meet her until he has his new upper dental plate.

"That makes sense," I replied.

***

Little Doug says he expects to get his new upper plate next week.

"I don't want to meet anyone until I have my top teeth and my hair smells normal again," he said with more than a hint of exasperation.

"That makes sense," I said again.

***

Little Doug has been divorced for about eight years. This happened before he moved to the Sack.

His ex-wife left after meeting someone from another province. Apparently, they met on an internet chat room. Understandably, Little Doug doesn't talk about this very much. Since the marriage ended, he has shown very little interest in meeting anyone new.

So it's a pleasant surprise to see him take a step in this direction. He's a decent, hard-working man. I hope something exciting happens for him.

***

We chatted for a little bit more and then I told Little Doug that I needed to get going.

This wasn't entirely true, of course. But I hadn't even picked out my underwear, yet. I didn't expect this to take very long, of course. But I'd already spent more time in The Bay than I usually care to.

Little Doug said he had to get moving, too. We both started to look around for underwear. Barely a minute passed before Little Doug asked, "So, what do you think about Florence's glasses?"

***

For the record, Little Doug favours boxer briefs.

***