Sack Religious

Several months ago, the Sack suffered through four consecutive days of rain.

Such a lengthy spate of rain can be a good thing every now and then. People tend to stick close to home for a while, rather than running about consuming stuff. And rather than puttering around their yards, they can spend time with each other.

Of course, a period of inclement weather can have its drawbacks, too. Some people have difficulty when they have to stay in one place for a while. Eventually, they start coming up with silly stuff to keep the boredom at bay.

That's what happens in the Sack sometimes.

***

According to Oscar, the forces of darkness are represented in the Sack by the form of Rental Doug and his blended family. In short, he believes that Rental Doug is either related to, or employed by, the Devil.

Of course, this could be true. At least, that's what we say to Oscar when he starts talking about this. It gets him to move onto another topic a little bit faster.

***

But, if the Devil does have a man in the Sack, we may not have to worry about it anymore.

This is because Jesus, at least temporarily, is now living in the Sack.

Apparently, He moved into Ben and Norma's house about six weeks ago. He's staying with them for the next six months or until He hears about His acceptance into the Canadian Forces. In the meantime, He's hoping to find a job and save some money. He'd like to have some money behind Him before He becomes a sailor.

Jesus was living in Newfoundland before he arrived in the Sack. According to Ben and Norma, this is where He was born and raised. Now He's twenty-one and ready to make His way in the world.

***

Jesus has been planning to stay at Ben and Norma's house ever since Ben found out he was being deployed to the Golan Heights this summer. Ben, of course, is a senior cook in the Canadian Forces. Jesus was going to help Norma "look after things" while Ben was away. At the same time, it would help Jesus save some money.

Fortunately, Ben's deployment has been cancelled. Apparently, Canada has stood down from the UN peacekeeping force there. Some other country now gets to stand in the middle of that particular school yard.

Ben and Norma didn't want to disappoint Jesus when the deployment was cancelled. They told Him to come anyway.

Norma says He is a very nice young man. She admitted, of course, that she doesn't know Him very well, yet. It's Ben, she explained, who knows the kid best. Apparently, Jesus is Ben's nephew.

Ben's family is from Cornerbrook, Newfoundland & Labrador.

***

Of course, this is all rubbish.

It was Weed who declared that Ben's nephew was the Son of God. Ben and Norma only know the young man as Jeff, the eldest son of Ben's youngest sister.

Weed made this pronouncement on our show during the rainy weekend. He was our one and only guest. He offered the following justification for his belief:

1. The young man has longish brown hair and a goatee. He's slim and moves in a very casual manner. He has a relaxed handshake that Weed found "reassuringly gentle."
   
   
2. Weed saw Jeff for the first time while the young man was working on Ben and Norma's lawn. Two days later, the lawn was "like brand new."
   
   
3. The young man's given name is Jeff, which, if you really think about it, is startlingly close to Jesus.
   
   
4. No one expected God to put up with the presence of Rental Doug forever, did they?

***

Again, this is all rubbish.

Jeff was tending to Ben and Norma's lawn a few days earlier. He was pulling weeds and tilling the top soil. The next day, he helped Ben lay replacement sod over the entire front lawn.

It's also very doubtful that Jesus would be interested in the Canadian Forces. Computer Doug says Jesus would probably have a hard time with the Salvation Army, so the Canadian military would be a longshot.

But Ben tells me the military's pension plan is very attractive. I suppose anything could be possible.

***

Of course, Weed's real reason for declaring that Jeff is actually Jesus has everything to do with Oscar. It gives him something to bring up whenever Oscar mentions Rental Doug and the forces of darkness.

Oscar and Weed frequently engage in recurring debates about an odd range of topics. Recently, they butted heads over how long one should hide a stolen trampoline before setting it up in one's yard. They've argued about Big Doug's use of the word "arse." And they once debated the relative sexiness of well known, animated women on television. Weed, apparently, favours Marge Simpson.

So Weed needs a better response for Oscar's claim that Rental Doug is in cahoots with the Devil.

***

Both seem to have given the other partial acceptance to their respective theories about Jeff and Rental Doug. Oscar has gone so far as to refer to Ben's nephew as Jeff Christ. Weed sometimes makes the sign of the cross with his fingers when he sees Rental Doug.

I have no trouble with any of this, of course. Along as they make an effort to get along with everybody, I have no trouble with Jeff Christ or Rental Doug. It doesn't matter much whether they're affiliated with any particular religious organization. I'd prefer that everybody just make an effort to get along.

Of course, if both actually were who Weed and Oscar thought they were, it would be very interesting. If Rental Doug does work for the Devil, it would be a good thing to know where he was at all times. You wouldn't want him operating where he can't be seen.

If Jeff is actually Jesus, it would be very fortunate, indeed. It would be like having backstage passes for the Second Coming.

For the moment, I think I'll hedge my bets for a while.

***