Of course, some people would say that dullness is part of the general nature of suburban life. Oscar says the basic design of suburbs is actually meant to inspire boredom. Ultimately, he argues, this is what makes people go out and buy stuff. In his view, it's what keeps the economy pumping.
He could be right about this. But he could be wrong, too.
But if he is right, last week probably wasn't a good one for the old town's retail stores, at least those frequented by Sack people. This is because there were very few dull moments in the Sack last week.
***
Computer Doug leaves his recyclable goods on the porch for Eddie, the Sack's street scavenger of choice.Eddie comes around every Friday. He collects the refundable bottles from the blue bags residents leave at the curbside. On a good week, Eddie says he can make more than one hundred dollars. He uses the money as a supplement to his social assistance cheque.
"My beer and smokes," Eddie says philosophically, "are basically taken care of."
When Eddie shows up in the Sack, his shopping cart is filled with large bags of refundable bottles and cans. Oscar says the cart looks like the Grinch's sled from Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
"And I'm talking about the sled after the Grinch has stolen everything from those impish, pot-smoking Who people, not before," Oscar said.
I told Oscar that's exactly what I assumed he meant all along.
***
There is great competition for refundable bottles in the old town.
Bottle and can collectors have quickly become the knife sharpeners and ragmen of the new millennium. In the beginning, almost all of them pushed a shopping cart around. But increasingly, more collectors are driving pickups and vans.
Of course, vehicle-driving collectors are frowned upon by many Sack residents. The general view is that one shouldn't be collecting bottles, if one can afford to run a vehicle. Oscar says this notion is a basic tenet of "suburban ethics 101."
He could be right about this. But he could be wrong, too.
***
To thwart the undeserving, some Sack residents leave their recyclable goods on the porch, rather than the curb. Then Eddie's given verbal permission to take the goods from the resident's property. No one, Oscar said emphatically, is allowed to touch your garbage, as long as it's on your property.
I said this has always been one of my favourite aspects of a free, democratic society.
But several weeks ago, a pickup truck entered the Sack and someone new laid claim to the Sack's accumulation of refundable bottles and cans. And whoever this person was, he didn't hesitate to clean out the bags left on various Sack porches.
Norma watched this drama unfold at Computer Doug's place and told him about it later.
Computer Doug was irate about the matter for about thirty minutes. Then he forgot all about it. He says he's got too many other things to worry about. Garbage, he explained, is really far down on his list.
***
But Oscar didn't forget about the matter.
Eddie and Oscar frequently converse on garbage collection day. Despite the heavy competition, Eddie is rarely in a great hurry by the time he gets to the Sack. Oscar says Eddie will "never say no" to the offer of a beer and a chat, even though it's only eleven o'clock in the morning. If you're offering tailor-made cigarettes, he says Eddie will be even more enthusiastic about shooting the breeze with you.
According to Oscar, Eddie doesn't believe in the proverbial early-bird-gets-the-worm theory that dominates the collection business. Instead, he says Eddie's business approach is "all about relationships."
As a result, he thinks Eddie's work brings more value to the community. So we must do our best, he argues, to protect Eddie's access to the Sack's bottles and cans.
***
So Oscar decided to initiate a surveillance operation that would get to the bottom of the matter.
When Friday morning arrived, he parked himself on a chair at his front window. He was determined to locate and confront any vehicle-driving collectors that appeared in the Sack.
Oscar said it was the least he could do to help Eddie out. He also said he had nothing else planned for that particular Friday morning.
***
Oscar, of course, works from his home.
It's impossible, however, to discern the difference between the times when Oscar's engaged in paid employment and when he's simply being at home. He says only a very sharp eye would be able to tell the difference. This is proof, he says proudly, of how well he performs in his job.
"I'm the kind of person who makes work look effortless," he said. I looked very closely for the small hint of a grin on Oscar's face. As usual, I was left wanting.
***
Oscar said a pickup truck drove into the Sack at about eight-thirty in the morning. He was sitting at his front window. He said his full attention was on the Sudoku puzzle in the Daily Snooze.
Fortunately, something made him look up at just the right moment. That's when he saw the pickup truck in front of Computer Doug's place. A tall figure in a red tracksuit and matching baseball cap walked briskly onto the porch and picked up the bag of bottles left specifically for Eddie.
The pickup truck, according to Oscar, had an indeterminate colour. He said it had clearly received a lot of body work at different times. Each time, a slightly different shade of paint was used to cover the repair.
If pressed to name the truck's colour, Oscar said he would say, "camouflage-grey."
I told him I appreciated his effort to add detail to his story.
***
A second person was driving the camouflage-grey pickup truck. He drove the truck slowly around the Sack's centre circle, while the fellow in the tracksuit collected their booty. When they moved ever closer to his house, Oscar said he was going to go outside and confront the tracksuited fellow. But suddenly he experienced a jolt of recognition.
He sat down again and watched intently as the man pilfered bottles from Florence's blue recycling bag. Now he had a very clear view of the man who dared to usurp Eddie.
It was Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's beau and father of Baby Maybe.
***
Oscar said he was flummoxed by the sight of Maxwell. "And you know me," he added, "I don't get flummoxed very easily."
This is actually true. I can't recall a time when I've seen Oscar flummoxed.
***
Oscar said his surprise was magnified further when he saw Maxwell rifling through the curbside blue bag belonging to the Bitterman family. He said he was stunned by the sight of Maxwell taking refundable bottles from the grandparents of his own newborn son.
"I was beyond flummoxed, at that point," he explained. "I was flabbergasted."
***
But Maxwell's brazen reappearance in the Sack wasn't even the strangest bit of news from this past week. It should've been, but it wasn't.
It should be no surprise that the news was about Dora.
And even though it came from an unlikely and questionable source, the news was no less intriguing. Apparently the peelers arrived in the Sack last Monday morning and arrested Dora. It's said that she was actually lead to the peeler car in handcuffs.
***
Oscar told me this nugget of Sack news.
His source for the story? The news came directly from his thirteen-year-old boy, Dorian. And Dorian apparently gleaned it from one of Rental Doug's snarky kids.
Rental Doug's lad is about ten years old. In addition to being snarky, the boy is greatly enamoured by cowboys. He has spent almost every day of the summer clad in a complete cowboy outfit. This includes a cowboy hat and boots, a brown vest over a white shirt, a red bandana, silver belt buckle, holster and even, God forbid, a pair of black riding chaps.
Earlier in the summer, the boy also wore a fake moustache. Unfortunately, it fell off with some regularity. Apparently, the boy deemed the moustache unreliable and cast it aside. At least that's what Dorian tells us.
***
Rental Doug's snarky cowboy kid has become good friends with another Sack kid of similar age. This young fellow has also adopted the vaguely disquieting practice of dressing like a cowboy.
The two boys mosey about the Sack with great frequency. It's almost impossible to stifle one's laughter when they amble by.
Weed says Rental Doug's snarky kid actually tipped his cowboy hat in greeting the other day. I think I would've paid to see that.
***
So the two junior Sack cowboys claim that Dora was handcuffed and taken away from Burning Manor. Admittedly, they shouldn't be regarded as what news people probably call a "reliable source."
But Dorian swears the two boys weren't joking about what they saw.
"Just because they're cowboys," Dorian apparently said to his father, "it doesn't mean they're full of crap."
He could be right about this. But he could be wrong, too.
***
As a review, we offer this brief summary of recent Sack news:
- Maxwell was discovered pilfering refundable bottles and cans from Sack blue bags, including the one owned by his "in-laws."
- This news was reported by a resident who was staging a surveillance operation from his front window.
- It's alleged that Dora was arrested at Burning Manor. Apparently she was lead to the peeler car in handcuffs.
- This news was reported by a pair of ten-year-old cowboys. One of the cowboys is the son of a man who may be directly related to Satan.
As the New York Times likes to say, that's all the news fit to print.
***
2 comments:
I've decided to hire Elvis Costello to write the theme song for the movie
Hell, yes - that works for me. . . .
Post a Comment