One-Armed Bandit

The Sack continues to enjoy very mild weather.

It can't possibly last much longer, of course. That would be too good to be true.

In the meantime, people seem to be taking advantage of it. Sack people seem to be going out more often than during previous winters. As a result, they're running into each other on the street more than they normally would for this time of year.

Sack people tend to hibernate a bit during the winter and don't see each other as much. Of course, this can be a good thing, too. There are some people in the Sack who need a break from each other from time to time. Gordon, for example, needs a break from worrying about other people's landscaping efforts. Six months of fretting isn't good for anyone. And, of course, people need a little less Gordon after six months under his watchful eye.

On the positive side, the milder weather lets us keep in touch and, in some cases, learn a bit more about each other.

***

Maxwell, Oscar tells me, is developing a great affection for the Sack as his union with Miss Britney Bitterman continues to grow.

Oscar has run into Maxwell almost every day over the last two weeks. Most of the time, they've run into each other in the Sack. On a few occasions, he has even encountered Maxwell at the local coffee cathedral. Oscar says Maxwell seems to have staked out his own table. Already, he appears to be on a first name basis with the coffee matrons.

The coffee cathedral is where Oscar spent an hour "shooting the breeze" with Maxwell the other day.

Oscar was out on another one of his "exercise walks." These efforts are part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," an exercise in male breast reduction. So far, this seems to involve a brief stroll to the coffee cathedral for some java and occasionally, a maple sugar donut or two.

***

Maxwell reports that his fledgling business, Cutlass Supreme Painting has been having some growing pains. In particular, the business has been hampered by his failure to acquire its namesake, a 1993 Cutlass Supreme.

An expected settlement from a local Walmart store has yet to materialize. This is where the start-up capital for Cutlass Supreme Painting was to originate.

Maxwell slipped in a puddle of water at Walmart and cracked his noggin on the floor. While he admits he has never actually held a regular full-time job, Maxwell wants Walmart to reimburse him for lost income and, of course, pain and suffering.

The absence of a company vehicle has also prevented Maxwell from acquiring the fourteen-foot ladder he needs to carry out his work. This is part of the domino effect caused by the failure of Walmart to make a settlement with him.

Without the ladder, Maxwell hasn't been able to begin the one and only painting gig he has obtained so far. The customer in question is Mr. Bitterman, Britney's dad and Maxwell's prospective father-in-law.

Oscar thinks it's very strange that Maxwell would require a fourteen-foot ladder to work on Mr. Bitterman's place. There are no ceilings taller than ten feet and Oscar is aware that Mr. Bitterman owns an eight-foot ladder.

Maxwell would only say that the painting business is very complicated and full of hassles. Then he quickly changed the subject.

***

Oscar says Maxwell preferred to talk about his legendary prowess as a bowler. Not only is he very good at it, but Maxwell claims that he regularly beats the stuffing out of challengers from both near and far.

Oscar wondered if he had ever considered becoming a professional bowler. Maxwell said he could easily be a millionaire in the sport, but, unfortunately, there are no professional opportunities for a bowler of his kind.

Maxwell, it seems, is very adept at candlepin bowling, a variation of bowling that is played only in New England and some parts of the Maritime provinces. If not for the total rejection of the game in the rest of the world, there is no doubt that Maxwell would have achieved greatness in the sport.

He told Oscar he would be running a business called, Mercedes Benz Painting, if there was a professional candlepin bowling tour. Then he howled with laughter.

***

Genetics, it seems, has played a significant role in Maxwell's development in the sport. At least, that's how he described it to Oscar.

Maxwell comes from a long line of candlepin bowlers. He claims it would be great folly for anyone to think they could match a team against Maxwell and his family. He says people in his family start candlepin bowling before they can even walk.

The reason for the family affinity for bowling is linked to his grandfather. Apparently, his grandfather was given a job as a janitor at the local bowling alley after he returned from World War I, even though he returned with only one leg.

The owner of the place had great affection for Maxwell's grandfather and allowed the veteran's children to bowl for free. Maxwell's father apparently took over the job at some point, so Maxwell and his siblings received the same benefit.

***

In the course of the candlepin bowling story, Maxwell told Oscar more about his family.

Maxwell, apparently, has a fraternal twin brother. Despite sharing the same genetic makeup, the two are not on very good terms.

According to Maxwell, his twin brother tried to kill him when they were about twelve years old. He said his brother held him under water while they were swimming at a local lake. Only through the intervention of an older sister did Maxwell survive. He claims he has no idea why his brother tried to kill him.

Ever since, Maxwell says the two haven't been close. He says he prefers to give his brother a wide berth, in the event that his brother tries to kill him again. He only sees his brother now at Christmas and on their mother's birthday.

His twin brother is also the only family member who is not an active candlepin bowler. In addition to the murder attempt, Maxwell claims this is good evidence that there is something wrong with his twin brother's genetic makeup.

We should be thankful, Oscar said, that Maxwell isn't teaching science at the local junior high school.

***

Oscar has lived in this part of the old town for his entire life. He says he's familiar with Maxwell's twin brother, although he doesn't know him personally. Apparently, the brother is the antithesis of Maxwell; he's married and has several children, works in a bank and owns a modest home in the old town's west end.

***

Maxwell's father was a champion candlepin bowler, as were two of Maxwell's older brothers. Although his grandfather introduced the family to the game, he didn't play the game himself. Maxwell said this had nothing to do with only having one leg. He said his grandfather suffered from shell shock after World War I and didn't like the noise associated with candlepin bowling.

Disability, however, has not stopped other family members from becoming accomplished candlepin bowlers. In fact, the best candlepin bowler in the family, according to Maxwell, is his father's one-armed brother.

Maxwell claims that his Uncle Ted is the best one-armed candlepin bowler in Canada, if not the world. Apparently, he routinely defeats bowlers who have both appendages.

Oscar asked if there was an actual competition for one-armed candlepin bowlers. Maxwell was rather vague in his response to this question, but said his Uncle Ted once "cleaned the clock" of the best one-armed candlepin bowler in New Hampshire.

***

Oscar says that Maxwell has invited him to play candlepin bowling together sometime. If the right person is working at the local alley, Maxwell says they may even be able to play for free.

It seems that the bowling alley's new management holds little respect for Maxwell's bowling bloodlines. He said the new owner thinks he should pay for the privilege of bowling there.

This is something that doesn't sit well with Maxwell at all. It's not because he doesn't have much money, of course. It is, according to Maxwell, the principle of the matter. No one in their right mind, he claims, would charge Wayne Gretzky if he wanted to play hockey with you, so it behooves him to pay for the privilege of bowling.

Fortunately, a friend of Maxwell's works at the local bowling alley. Maxwell says the friend owes him money and allows him to play for free in lieu of the debt. They just have to make sure the owner isn't in the building whenever Maxwell wants to play.

***

Maxwell also told Oscar that he might be moving into the Bitterman home in the near future. He said him and Britney need to get ready for the baby's arrival in June. They need to save money for an apartment and baby-related things.

He also said he's only getting social assistance right now and it won't be enough to "pay for a baby."

Oscar thinks it will be very good for the Sack, if Maxwell does move in with the Bittermans. He says it's important to have diversity in the kind of shenanigans we have around the Sack.

Maxwell, Oscar says, will make a very nice addition, indeed.

***

Garbage Day

Friday is the day when the old town's waste management professionals pay a visit to the Sack.

Early in the morning, a crew arrives to either empty the compost bins or take away the regular garbage. These items are dealt with on alternate weeks. Later in the day, a different crew always arrives to pick up the recyclable goods.

There is great diversity in the Sack when it comes to the matter of garbage.

***

Ben and Norma seem hellbent on destroying the planet as quickly as possible.

On garbage day, they leave massive amounts of garbage at the curb. Quite often, they'll place additional garbage at the curbs of their more conservation-minded neighbours.

No one is quite sure why Ben and Norma have so much garbage. There are only two of them in one house, so it's a very perplexing matter.

Oscar thinks something nefarious might be afoot. He believes that Ben is importing "outside garbage" into the Sack. Since Ben is a military man, Oscar thinks he might be disposing of something on the military's behalf. Ben is a senior cook in the Canadian Forces, so I remain doubtful about this.

Nevertheless, Oscar accuses him of "garbage laundering."

***

Florence tells me that Norma enjoys shopping at Walmart.

In fact, she said that it's really more of a hobby for Norma than a consumer activity. Apparently, Norma goes to Walmart at least twice a week. Florence says she buys "all kinds of crap," whether she and Ben need it or not.

It could be that Ben and Norma are throwing out their old crap every week to make space for the new crap. This is far more credible than secret military garbage.

***

Big Doug, on the other hand, puts out an impossibly small amount of garbage each week. Neither does he seem to recycle nor compost anything. He has a compost bin in his garage, but we've never seen it at the curb.

Where does Big Doug's garbage go? Your guess is as good as mine.

It's unlikely that he simply doesn't generate much garbage. This is a man who's suspected of using plutonium as a lawn fertilizer.

Oscar says it's possible that Big Doug is really an alien who can consume his own garbage. I suppose anything is possible, but I remain doubtful about this, too.

***

Little Doug is a man of great independence as far as garbage is concerned.

While everyone else places their garbage out on Thursday night or Friday morning, Little Doug refuses to be held to convention. He seems to look at garbage collection day as a vague recommendation, rather than a rule.

Last Saturday, he left a bag of garbage at the curb. It was only twenty-four hours since the Sack's garbage was collected and almost two weeks before it would be collected again.

This is a very common behaviour on Little Doug's part. He puts his garbage out when it suits him. He knows it's going to be picked up eventually. He's just not that interested in when it'll happen.

***

Of course, this doesn't mean that Little Doug has no interest in garbage. In fact, it is quite the contrary.

Little Doug can be safely described as an avid and experienced dumpster diver. He likes to drive around the neighbouring streets looking at other people's garbage. If he sees an item that interests him, he'll bring it home.

Weed says Little Doug has brought home all manner of other people's garbage. Apparently, he tends to favour electronics and wooden furniture, but by no means does he restrict himself to these items. He likes to tinker with the electronic stuff and refurbish the wooden things. Weed says there are numerous inoperable VCRs in Little Doug's garage, along with a host of unmatched kitchen chairs.

Little Doug once brought home a set of encyclopedias. The big volumes were contained in a large cardboard box. Weed said they were published in the late 1970s and smelled like cat pee. Little Doug thought the books would be helpful to Weed and Daisy, since both were going to college at the time. Weed was enrolled in a computer program and Daisy was studying dental hygiene.

Weed said Little Doug put the box of books out on the curb the next day, which, again, would have been a Saturday. The Sack's cats spent the next week peeing on the books some more.

***

Last year, residents of the Sack held a street sale.

A first one had been held a few years before. Two years seems to be the right amount of time to consume enough crap to hold another one. Non-Sack residents buy Sack people's crap and eventually sell it again at their own yard sales.

This is how the crap goes around.

***

Despite being advised of the street sale, it was all a big surprise to Little Doug. About half way through the sale hours, he hauled out a large number of items onto his driveway.

Sack residents maintained their own selling areas, but occasionally floated about to talk and inspect each other's inventory of goods. When Oscar looked at Little Doug's stuff, he found a stereo he had discarded several years ago. He also found a broken exercise machine that his wife, G.W. had tossed away a few months earlier.

Ben ended up buying a small bookcase from Little Doug. He took it back to his own driveway where Norma had a chance to see it for the first time. She told Ben to take it back to Little Doug, as soon as she laid eyes on it.

Apparently, Ben had just purchased a bookcase they used to own a few years ago. Norma had thrown it out when they got a new wall unit for their livingroom. Little Doug gave Ben his money back, but apparently wasn't too pleased about it.

***

Oscar has thrown out a few large household items over the last year or so.

Sometimes, the waste management professionals won't accept certain items. Apparently, one must make separate arrangements for these items and, usually, pay a small fee for the privilege of removal.

Last summer, Oscar left a refrigerator on his curb for collection. Refrigerators are one of the items that requires special arrangements. When the waste management professionals arrived, Oscar offered each of them a T-shirt, if they would dispose of the refrigerator.

The three-man crew left the truck and inspected the T-shirts. Oscar had received the shirts from his company for promotional purposes. A deal was eventually struck and the refrigerator was duly removed from Oscar's curb.

If you're ever driving around the old town and see a waste management crew wearing black "Canadian Club Whisky" T-shirts, you'll know you're not very far away from the Sack.

***

Off the News Wire

The new year is barely two weeks old and already, Sack news is starting to gather.

Given the mild, unseasonable weather, we won't need a shovel to dispense with it. A simple broom should do nicely.

***

Oscar and I hosted another winter edition of our show last week.

We host the show in my front room at various times during the winter. When the weather is better, it takes place on my front porch. In order for it to be considered an actual show, we need to have at least one guest.

Weed made it a show.

***

It's likely that Weed will be a regular guest for a while.

He and his pregnant girlfriend, Daisy, have established a new, rigid budget. They're hoping to buy a house and have a baby in one fell swoop.

Weed seems to be very committed to their goals. In a very unlikely move, he even took a job at a call centre. And despite all predictions, he's still working there.

The budget, however, is proving to be a bigger challenge for Weed. He said he's used to eating out on a regular occasion. In particular, he and Daisy are big fans of the late night takeout or delivery. The new budget has almost wiped out this activity entirely. Weed said he's just going to have to get used to the fact that he can't go out all the time.

During his appearance on the show, Weed made frequent visits to the Wonders' fridge and food cupboard. Oscar says Weed may have found a new way to cope with his tight budget.

He could be right about that.

***

During his visit to the show, Weed told a fantastic tale.

Oscar says the tale must be some kind of new urban legend. I have no idea about this.

Apparently, a female friend of his was conversing with a man on an online dating service. The woman, he said, is in her mid-thirties and was recently divorced.

The two corresponded online for several weeks and started to feel comfortable with each other. Although the man was older, the woman felt good enough about their contact that she agreed to meet up with him at the local coffee cathedral.

To ensure that she would be able to recognize him, the man said he would be sitting at a table and holding a yellow rose.

***

At the agreed upon time, the woman walked into the coffee cathedral. It was fairly crowded and, at first, she couldn't see anyone with a yellow rose. Finally, however, she caught sight of her online suitor.

Sitting at a corner table was an older gentleman. He was neatly dressed and was looking expectantly around the coffee cathedral. He was holding a long-stemmed yellow rose with both hands.

It was her own, recently-divorced father.

***

According to Weed, the woman and her father quickly got over the shock and embarrassment of the situation. They sat and talked for more than two hours. She said it was one the best conversations they'd had in years.

As mentioned, Oscar was a bit skeptical about the story. He said it would have been a better story if the guy had been her ex-husband. He could be right about that.

I have no idea whether it really happened or not. I just write it down.

***

The Canadian federal election is less than two weeks away.

The Sack's informal election sign poll is turning out to be a barnburner. The New Democratic Party (NDP) had been maintaining a substantial lead in the poll with their bold, orange election signs. Democratic socialism, it seemed, was finally on the horizon.

In recent days, however, the dreaded Conservative Party of Canada has staged a late, but formidable rally. After some rigorous statistical analysis, the current election sign poll results look like this:

New Democratic Party (2)

Conservative Party (1)

Don't Give a Monkey's Butt (22)

***

The Conservative Party sign appeared on Ben and Norma's lawn.

I was talking to Ben and Computer Doug the other day. It was a spontaneous meeting, as each of us arrived home at the exact same time. We walked down our driveways at the same time to retrieve our respective garbage bins. The moment cried out for a choreographer.

According to Ben, Norma used to babysit the Conservative candidate when he was a child. Apparently, this is the primary reason for voting for him.

***

Ben, of course, recently underwent a colonoscopy.

Like almost all medical treatment, a colonoscopy is covered by the public health care system. The Conservative Party is well known for its desire to decimate this basic human right. I don't know how much a colonoscopy costs these days, but I don't think Ben would prefer to pay for it out of his pocket.

Of course, everyone has the right to vote for whomever they please. If putting a tyke to bed and wiping his nose is what gets their votes, so be it. It's Ben's vote and Norma's vote, not mine.

It's also Ben's colon. If he wants to start putting money into his colon, I guess that's his choice, as well.

***

Mrs. Wonders tells me that she had a wonderful glimpse of Miss Britney Bitterman the other day.

Apparently, Britney is now starting to show some external evidence of her pregnancy. She was seen striding out of her house wearing a tight pink sweatsuit that offered a clear view of her maternal state. Mrs. Wonders said Britney had her hair in a ponytail and was wearing a large set of headphones.

She stood at the end of her driveway for a bit and then took a small stub of a cigarette from her purse. After lighting it, she inhaled deeply and then coughed a few times. Then she made a deep guttural sound and spat a glob of saliva onto the road.

Then a taxi showed up and whisked her away.

***

Oscar tells me that Jason Bitterman has returned from his recent road gig. Apparently, Jason was away peddling Christmas trees to the Christian masses. Oscar says the tree market tends to dip a bit after the twenty-fifth of December.

Mr. Bitterman told Oscar that Jason will be joining the military in March. At least, that's when he'll be leaving for basic training in Quebec.

This will be about the fifth time that Jason has been rumoured to be going away for basic training. It is said that he actually did go once, but was forced to withdraw for some reason.

Oscar said he'll be able to learn more about this from Maxwell, Britney's beau and the father of her impending child. It seems Maxwell is around the Sack almost all the time lately, especially during the day. Oscar says he won't be surprised if Maxwell ends up moving in with the Bitterman family, after Jason goes away.

He could be right about that.

***

Finally, Gordon and Big Doug are making preparations for their annual vacation in Cuba.

Big Doug, I'm told, has acquired a supply of surplus T-shirts. He intends to give the shirts to Cuban resort workers as a humanitarian gesture. The T-shirts advertise the "2003 Early Bird Funspiel" held at his curling club.

Curling is a sport that's inexplicably adored by a surprising number of Canadians. The curler slides a heavy chunk of granite across an ice surface. There's a lot of yelling and sweeping going on, as well.

It is actually a very enjoyable game to play. It's also a lot harder than it looks.

***

On the back of the T-shirts is the phrase, "Hurry, Hard!"

This is a phrase that's often exclaimed in a loud voice during a curling match. Curling fans would likely be the only people to understand this phrase.

One wonders what the Cubans will make of it.

***

Winter Migration

There was a single common redpoll at the Wonders' bird feeders today. It was traveling in a small flock of American goldfinches.

It wasn't a rare or unique sighting, of course. Common redpolls are, for lack of a better phrase, fairly common in winter. But there's no guarantee that you'll see them around the old town every year. Some winters, the little birds are plentiful and will outnumber other species at the feeders. In other years, they won't be around at all.

Common redpolls, I'm told, live in the far north for most of the year. In the winter, they migrate further south. Sometimes they just don't make it this far south. Two years have passed without a sign of them at the Wonders' place.

The best part of the common redpoll is the small red patch on its head. Even on the most dreary of winter days, the bright red patch seems defiantly beautiful and optimistic. So it's comforting to see one back again. If there's one, there will surely be more to follow.

In some ways, the common redpoll is like a good friend who drops by from time to time. There's no pattern to the visits; sometimes the friend comes, but sometimes he doesn't. But when he does come, it's always a welcome surprise.

***

Jimmy is back in the Sack.

He has returned to his familiar perch on Florence's porch. God willing, he'll be there until the warm air of spring is upon us.

Jimmy, for the uninitiated, is Florence's father. He is a wizened, leprechaun of a man, who's probably in his early eighties. He lives in a rural area about four hours north of the old town, but has stayed with Florence during the winter for the past five years. Since the death of his wife and a decline in his mobility, Florence prefers that he's not alone during the harsh winter months.

Usually, Jimmy shows up in the Sack in early November. This year, Florence says her father was still okay by himself because of the mild winter. She said he probably could have stayed at home even longer, but both expect it will get more wintry at any time.

Oscar says this is a good example of how global warming will affect us in ways that we can't possibly predict. I suppose he has a point.

***

Jimmy has certainly had his share of health problems. Last year, an ambulance roared into the Sack on two occasions for his benefit. Thankfully, he keeps bouncing back.

After his last setback, Jimmy needed a walker to get around. For a time, it was excruciating to watch as he made his way down the porch steps. At any moment, you expected him, as Big Doug put it, "to go arse over tea kettle" onto the pavement. Somehow, Jimmy managed his way up and down without incident.

This year, he's using only a sturdy metal cane. This is certainly a good sign.

***

Jimmy is a notable character in a number of ways.

Firstly, he's an experienced and ardent cigarette smoker. Unfortunately for Jimmy, Florence won't allow him to smoke in the house. So Jimmy spends a considerable part of the day and evening outside on the porch. He sits on a wooden stool placed there for this very purpose.

But Jimmy doesn't seem to mind the arrangement. It gives him a chance to socialize with anyone who ventures into earshot. Even if you're fifty feet away, he'll yell out a greeting of some kind. It doesn't seem to matter very much if you've already exchanged greetings with him half an hour ago. He doesn't mind doing it again.

There is nothing wrong with this at all, of course. There's a simple charm to his banter and he always seems to be in an upbeat mood. We could probably use more of this in the Sack.

***

Jimmy is almost always wearing a dark brown fedora.

The only time he doesn't wear the hat is when he's driving his car. He takes the fedora off at the last moment before he gets in the car. He puts it back on the second he steps out again.

Oscar thinks it will be a very fine day if fedoras and other hats become fashionable among men again. People, he said, seem to be more polite and considerate to each other when they're wearing hats.

Oscar admits his impression is taken from movies and television of the 1950s. He thinks it would also be very cool if people started talking very quickly to each other like they do in the old gangster movies.

***

Aging seems to have brought Jimmy his share of driving adventures.

Despite several nasty accidents, he has retained his driver's license. Even though Florence doesn't like it, Jimmy likes to go for a drive every few days, as long as the roads are clear.

Last year, Jimmy had an accident on a road not far from the Sack. Apparently, he had a stroke while he was driving. That's how he ended up with the walker.

***

Unfortunately, Jimmy doesn't know his way around the old town very well. He became lost on a few past occasions, so he has agreed only to drive to places that Florence approves. These are places she knows he can find his way back from.

***

Jimmy has a souvenir license plate at the front of his car. It declares his support for the Chicago Blackhawks. He also has a jacket that's adorned with the team's emblem.

He's a big fan of the Chicago Blackhawks.

This may not seem unusual to most people, but in the old town, it's quite odd. People usually support the Montreal Canadians, the Boston Bruins or the Toronto Maple Leafs. This year, there are even some Pittsburgh Penguins fans.

There are very few who would even think of the Chicago Blackhawks. In fact, there are a lot of people in Chicago who don't even think about the Blackhawks anymore.

***

Of course, Jimmy has a very good reason for liking the Chicago Blackhawks. He grew up with a guy who started playing for the Blackhawks in the late 1940s. The guy played there for about five years before his career ended because of an injury.

Jimmy seems to operate on the belief that everyone else is also a big fan of the Chicago Black Hawks. If they've played the night before, he'll be sure to ask if you've heard the score. Even if you already know, Jimmy will tell you again, anyway. He'll also rhyme off the name of each of the Blackhawk's goal scorers.

***

Since Oscar works from home, he's the person Jimmy sees most often during the day.

Oscar thinks it's unfortunate that Florence won't allow Jimmy to smoke somewhere in the house. There are times when it's very cold outside and he'll be huddled on the porch by himself.

Oscar once asked Florence why she wouldn't let Jimmy smoke in the house. Florence said she has allergies and wouldn't manage well with smoke in her house. Also, she'd prefer that her father quit smoking. More important, she said that Oscar should "mind his own beeswax."

Oscar said he was going to let Jimmy smoke in his garage, but his wife, B.W. wouldn't agree. She also told him to mind his own beeswax.

***

Oscar's car wouldn't start one morning and he needed to get to a work-related meeting.

Jimmy offered to drive him wherever he needed to go. Oscar politely declined, but Jimmy was insistent. It was clear, he said later, that Jimmy really wanted to help.

Oscar accepted the invitation.

***

Oscar got to his meeting safely. Jimmy said he would be happy to wait for him, but Oscar declined. Jimmy drove off and Oscar thought this would be the end of it.

When he got home at the end of the day, he noticed that Jimmy's car still wasn't back in the Sack. He knocked on Florence's door and found her in a frantic state because her father wasn't home. When Oscar told her about Jimmy driving him to a meeting, she was furious. She told him again that he should mind his own beeswax, as far as her father was concerned. This time, however, she said it in a far more colourful way.

Thankfully, Jimmy found his way home again. He did get lost for a while, but eventually found his way again. He also told Florence that Oscar had nothing to do with his tardiness. He stressed that it was his idea to drive Oscar to the meeting. Florence apologized to Oscar, but asked that he refrain from letting her father take him anywhere in the future. Oscar was happy to agree.

***

Oscar said it was no surprise that Jimmy would stand up for him in the face of Florence's wrath. Anyone who's been loyal to the Chicago Blackhawks for so long, just because of a childhood friend, would probably be a loyal neighbour, as well.

It's also the least one would expect, he added, from someone who wears a fedora.

***

External Affairs

By nine o'clock in the morning on January 2, Gordon had removed all evidence of the holiday season from his property.

The Christmas lights were reeled in and stored in a sturdy box. His mechanical reindeer were herded back into the garage. Lastly, the decorative wreath was plucked from its prominence on the front door.

It was like Christmas had never happened.

***

With Christmas safely packed away in its appropriate place, Gordon's attention will now shift to the properties around him.

Sack residents who delay in removing their Christmas decorations are the bane of Gordon's existence. Everyone in the Sack is well aware of this.

This is precisely why some will leave their decorations up as long as possible.

***

Little Doug is infamous for his inattention to such matters. He doesn't do this to annoy Gordon. He just doesn't pay much attention to picking stuff up or taking things down. Some people are just like that.

Little Doug is well known for taking his Christmas lights down during the promising warmth of a day in June. That's when he usually starts thinking about his summer projects. He'll take a walk around the house to get ideas for the projects and will suddenly notice the lights. Taking down the lights usually becomes his first summer project.

One year, Little Doug didn't take his lights down at all. Oscar tried to convince Gordon that it was all part of Little Doug's fervent Christmas spirit.

Not surprisingly, Gordon didn't agree.

***

Oscar, of course, is no slouch in the tardiness department. Last year, his Christmas tree sat on his back deck until May.

On the afternoon when he finally put it on the curb for collection, a long line of pale, brown needles strung a path toward Oscar's back yard. At the curb sat the seven-foot skeleton of Oscar's Christmas tree.

Sack kids were outside that evening, horsing about on the street. One of the kids threw a soccer ball at the hapless tree. A few branches snapped and scattered about the road.

The rest of the kids noticed this and were intrigued. The tree now held their collective attention. Quickly, they pounced on it like a school of piranhas. The tree was strewn about the street in a hundred pieces. It looked like twigs had rained down from the sky.

***

Gordon, of course, was fuming when he saw the mess.

He stood in his front window for almost the entire evening. He just stood there with his arms folded across his chest. That's what Gordon usually does when he fumes.

Oscar had no choice but to clean it up. He made his son, Dorian help. They were outside sweeping for more than forty-five minutes.

This year, Oscar bought an artificial tree.

***

Rental Doug still has a Christmas tree on his front porch. He also has one propped up in a planter box on his front yard. A third tree stands in his livingroom. You can see it from the street.

Oscar thinks it's strange that someone would have three Christmas trees. He says it's "a lot of dough to spend on trees." I would have to agree with him.

On the other side of the main road nearest to the Sack, there is a protected, wooded area. It surrounds a small, but impressive lake. Oscar thinks Rental Doug went over there and cut down a few extra trees for himself.

It's a plausible theory.

***

If it's true, it will be the first evil deed Rental Doug has committed since moving to the Sack in August. Naturally, Oscar thinks it's clear evidence of Rental Doug's Satanic bloodlines. This, of course, is not a very plausible theory.

It's far more likely that Rental Doug was just trying to put on a good show for his blended family. He went a bit overboard during Halloween, as well. So, maybe he's just trying too hard.

***

If there is any outdoor item that needs its owner's attention, it would be the lawn mower that remains in the middle of Little Doug's side yard. It has been there ever since he broke his ribs last summer.

Gordon, of course, remains livid about it, but there's nothing he can really do. He has made some offhand remarks to Little Doug, but it hasn't worked. Besides, Little Doug tends not to respond well to criticism of such things. He might be short in stature, but he's long on stubbornness.

***

Oscar thinks Little Doug should declare the wet, rusting lawnmower as a piece of outdoor art. It would be a work that depicts the decaying, collective soul of those who inhabit the modern suburb.

Over time, Oscar said, we could add more artistic works to the collection. The lonely, unused basketball net on Oscar's driveway would be testimony to childhood obesity. Big Doug's lawn could be a homage to obsession and Gordon's webcam to compulsion.

The Sack could become a living, breathing, outdoor art gallery.

***

Oscar says an art gallery would be a good way to bring in some extra money. He said he would even be willing to turn his house into a bistro that would attract the old town's artistic set.

He could fit a few tables on his back deck, but the main, "sidewalk cafe" would be on his driveway. People could sit in the cafe and admire the Sack's outdoor art collection. At night, Oscar said he could have some decorative lights around the cafe.

Better yet, he could just leave his Christmas lights out all year round.

***

In the Name of the Father

Oscar told me he had some interesting Sack gossip to dispense.

We were sitting in the local coffee cathedral for the second time in three days. On each occasion, I've joined Oscar on his nightly walk. The walks are part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," Oscar's man boob eradication program. So far, they've all ended at the coffee cathedral.

It's only a ten minute walk from the Sack.

***

The news, according to Oscar, is about young Doo. It comes via Oscar's son, Dorian. He is known to be very knowledgeable in the ways and means of Sack kids.

Young Doo, of course, is a six-year-old imp, notable for his unfortunate verbal development and for breaking branches off small trees.

Dorian is just about the oldest of the Sack kids. The other kids, especially Doo, seem to look up to him. Dorian does his best to include Doo whenever Sack kids are playing together, even though Doo is one of the youngest.

Over time, Dorian has become proficient in understanding Doo's sputtering prose. He's now the Sack's interpreter of choice when it comes to important communication with Doo.

***

According to Dorian, young Doo will soon be acquiring something called a "tep tad."

More specifically, it's Doo's mom who'll be handling the transaction on his behalf. Her boyfriend will be moving in with her and Doo in the near future.

Doo, it seems, is getting a step dad.

***

Oscar tells me that Doo's mom got the step dad off the Internet. Apparently, this happens a lot these days.

Doo is reported to be quite pleased about getting a step dad. This particular one owns a big, black pickup truck. Doo loves "tucks" more than life itself.

***

The news about Doo's new step dad really won't be a big surprise to anyone. He has been seen around the Sack for the last eighteen months or so. He's a short, portly sort in his early forties. Oscar says he's a bus driver with the old town's public transit system. Those who've met him say he seems like a decent fellow.

Doo's mom obviously likes him, as does wee Doo. It certainly seems like a good thing from this vantage point.

***

Oscar tells me that Doo's step dad is named Dicky.

It's not Rick, Richard or even Dick. It's Dicky.

"Dicky" really is a very unfortunate name for someone in the Sack. It simply cries out for one's juvenile side to emerge. There will be nothing but low brow humour at every turn, if a name like that moves into the Sack.

This was Oscar's rationale for choosing a new Sack name for Dicky.

***

Oscar is always very keen to rename people in the Sack. Over the last six years, we've bestowed numerous new monikers on our fellow residents. Sometimes, as in the case of the Dougs, there are practical reasons for doing so. Mostly, however, it's done simply for the amusement.

After due consideration and the consumption of several maple sugar donuts, Oscar and I arrived at a new name for Dicky. It was, in the grand scheme of things, only a minor change. But Oscar felt confident it wouldn't evoke the kind of juvenile impulse he feared with "Dicky."

Doo's newly-acquired step dad will be known in the Sack as "Sticky."

***

"Sticky" was chosen in a very unique manner, compared to previous renaming efforts. Oscar says it reflects the growing sophistication of our creative abilities.

I remain doubtful about this.

***

Here's how we came up with "Sticky":

As we pondered the possibilities for Dicky, I said, almost absently, "Doo's step dad, Dicky." Oscar guffawed. It left him with a dusting of maple sugar on his goatee. I was going to say something about it, but decided not to.

"Man, say that three times, fast," I said to him.

He said, "Doo's step dad, Dicky," three times in rapid succession. He said it fluently and accurately. When he finished, he wore a look of smug accomplishment.

Oscar claims that he's well known in tongue-twister circles. I remain doubtful about this, too.

***

Then I said, "I'll bet you couldn't say it ten times, fast."

Oscar cleared his throat and put his maple sugar donut down. He straightened in his chair and began to recite "Doo's step dad, Dicky," ten times in a row.

There was a middle-aged couple sitting at the table beside us in the coffee cathedral. They were looking at Oscar with bemusement. Earlier, Oscar had quietly surmised that they were Internet daters meeting for the first time.

Oscar repeated the phrase correctly until the eighth attempt. That's when he said "Doo's step stad, Sticky."

A new name was born.

***

After renaming Dicky, Oscar began to reminisce about our previous naming efforts.

Big Doug and Little Doug, he said, were named at a time when we were raw rookies. We were mere boys in a man's game. This was reflected by the primitive, predictable and uninspiring names we came up with.

With Computer Doug, we took our first tentative step into occupational naming. It was, Oscar said, a sign of promise.

"Rental Doug wasn't one of our better efforts," Oscar said, accusingly. He wanted to call him Beelzebub Doug, but I wouldn't hear of it.

Mulva was another reasonable effort. It reflected an appreciation for popular culture and showed our ability, as Oscar put it, to "think outside the box." Of course, this effort was wasted when "those dullards decided to call her Tammy."

***

Weed brought his own handle with him when he moved into Little Doug's house with Daisy. There was no need for any intervention on our part. "Someone," Oscar said, "had already looked after him nicely."

When Elizabeth moved to the Sack, I wanted to add a small embellishment to her name. I suggested that we call her "Queen Elizabeth" due to her regal deportment.

Oscar, unfortunately, is a confirmed monarchist. He refused to consider the matter any further.

***

Anyway, Sticky is expected to move into the Sack in March. Apparently, he and Doo's mom will be getting married in June. Oscar thinks it will be great fun to see Doo dressed up in a little tuxedo. I can't disagree with that.

We got up from our table and walked outside. It was unusually pleasant for a January evening. I suggested that we walk further away from the Sack.

Oscar said he didn't feel like doing any more exercise for one evening. He said he was quite pleased with his progress so far. It was the most consistent program he'd developed yet, so he didn't want to ruin it.

"The key to it all," he said, as he licked the remains of some maple sugar from his upper lip, "is to just stick with it."

***

Tuesday's With Weed

Tuesday night brought the end of the first working day of the new year. Normal routines returned and the holiday season became a surprisingly distant memory.

***

Oscar wanted to go for an evening walk.

Given past form, this was a very surprising desire. Oscar's interest in walking is normally limited to a gentle amble under a soft, summer sun.

Apparently, however, his man boob eradication program has been reactivated for the new year. Oscar discovered the growing ampleness of his bosom last month. He made a brief, but heroic attempt to resolve the problem, but to no avail. Pushups, it seemed, weren't Oscar's thing.

Oscar says he has the wrong "body type" for pushups. Walking, he claims, will be far more suitable for a man of his stature. He expects to wear a t-shirt again without any self-consciousness, if he can maintain a regular walking regime until spring.

Oscar calls his new walking program, "Man Boobs Be Gone."

***

We walked out of the Sack together and into the outside world. It was a cold, but dry evening. Oscar was complaining because he forgot to wear his toque.

Within ten minutes, we encountered our first fellow pedestrian. It was Little Doug's prospective son-in-law, Weed.

Weed had just walked out of the local coffee cathedral. He had a large coffee in his left hand.

He said he was taking a break from a budgeting session with Daisy. She wants them to make some serious financial changes as they prepare to have a baby later this year. So far, Weed said the session wasn't going very well at all. He said it was "all very, very confusing."

In no hurry to return to the budget session, Weed suggested that we repair to the vinyl-covered comfort of the coffee cathedral.

Oscar said this was a fabulous idea.

***

As we settled into a corner table, Weed asked us a very unusual question.

"Are either of you guys . . . circumcised?"

***

Weed and Daisy, it seems, have had their first dispute on the subject of their future child.

Daisy raised the issue of circumcision with Weed last night. They were discussing the gender of the child they're expecting in July.

Weed said he hadn't given the matter any thought at all. He thought it was something a doctor did as a matter of routine.

"I just thought they included it in the whole delivery package," he said. "I didn't know you had a decision to make."

***

Weed was under the impression that circumcision was automatic, unless you had some good reason for not doing it. Daisy, on the other hand, has done a lot of reading on the subject. She said their future son could be traumatized by the procedure, not to mention the risk of damage to his sexual organs.

Weed said the whole circumcision matter has been more than he bargained for. He doesn't remember being traumatized by his own circumcision, so he thinks it should be okay for his son, if they end up with a boy. But, Daisy, he said, has spent a lot of time on the Internet researching the subject.

He said Daisy could go "toe-to-toe with any circumcision expert," if she was so inclined. The only way to change Daisy's mind, he claimed, is by showing that their future son will be ostracized for his uncircumcised penis. That's why he's taking an informal poll of his friends and associates.

***

So far, Weed says his poll is painfully short of data.

Three people have identified themselves as circumcised. None of them, Weed stressed, could recall anything about the actual procedure.

Only one uncircumcised guy has responded so far. The guy works at the same call centre where Weed toils. In addition to being uncircumcised, Weed said the guy is also a "techno-nerd."

Oscar said he didn't think there was any relationship between circumcision and occupational interest. Weed looked very doubtful about this.

***

Six people have refused to respond to Weed's poll.

One guy, Weed claimed, even tried to punch him in the stomach, when he posed the question to the guy at work. Weed said he thought the guy was "cool" up until that point. Now he's not so sure about him at all. He also suspects the guy of being uncircumcised.

***

Another person who declined to answer was Weed's boss.

His boss actually brought the circumcision matter up at an unscheduled meeting with Weed at the end of the work day. Apparently, someone had complained that Weed was wasting valuable call centre time pursuing his circumcision poll.

Weed thinks it was probably the guy who tried to punch him in the stomach. "It was either him, Weed exclaimed, "or that techno-nerd."

***

Another subject Weed wanted to discuss related to socks.

He said he had received a "bag-o-socks" for Christmas from his mother. A "bag-o-socks," according to Weed, is exactly what it sounds like. It's a bag containing ten pairs of socks.

Oscar says the item can be purchased at any of the old town's discount emporiums for less than seven dollars.

***

Weed said he has worn a new pair of socks each day since Christmas. By the end of each day, at least one sock has developed a hole. He said he even ripped his heel straight through one sock while he was putting it on.

Fortunately, he said he still had the bag from the "bag-o-socks." Apparently, the socks are made by a company in China. Weed says he's thinking about tracking the company down and demanding justice. It's not the money he's interested in, he explained, it's the principle of the matter.

"These people," he said flatly, "are selling disposable socks."

***

"Consumer avenger," according to Weed, is one of the career paths he has been thinking about as he flails away at the call centre.

It's something he said he could do from home, even though there might be some travel involved. Weed thinks Oscar is half way to becoming a holy man, because he works at home in his pyjamas.

So, Weed says he's taking another poll to see if anyone has encountered a similar problem with the Chinese-made "bag-o-socks."

Unfortunately, neither of us has had any previous experience with such garments. Weed looked a bit disappointed.

***

Given the way things are going at the call centre, Weed doesn't think it's a good idea to ask people at work about their socks. He has a growing feeling that his supervisor doesn't like him very much.

"I have to keep a low profile there for a while," he said, as he made a scissor-like motion with his fingers, "or I'll be cut from the payroll just like that."

***

Axe to Grind

Elizabeth, it is safe to say, still has a very large bee in her bonnet on the subject of Burning Manor.

Oscar says it must be one of those African killer bees that people are always talking about.

We encountered Elizabeth at a New Year's Day drop-in affair at Ben and Norma's place. It turned out to be a good opportunity to catch up on the latest Sack news.

This is the third year in a row they've hosted such a gathering. Oscar thinks it must be a good way for Ben to get rid of all the holiday food he swipes from the military every year. Ben, of course, is a senior cook in Canada's fighting forces.

Anyway, the gathering did nothing to dispel the notion that 2006 will be a very interesting year in the Sack.

***

Elizabeth has been watching the rebuilding of Burning Manor very closely.

The construction crew, she reports, appears to be doing a very good job in building the replacement home. Clearly, she said, they're tradespeople who take a lot of pride in their work.

Unfortunately, their fine workmanship is one of the things causing the bee in her bonnet.

Elizabeth doesn't think it's fair that Dirk and Dora should get such a fine new home after making life "hell" for everyone else in the Sack. She just doesn't think it's right.

Oscar asked if she'd prefer to see a chain gang involved in the rebuilding of Burning Manor. Elizabeth said this would probably help, but only if Dirk and Dora were included in the chain gang.

***

Most of the Sack's houses were built by a drunken band of barely-qualified drifters and grifters. That's how Big Doug puts it.

Big Doug got his revenge by purloining building materials from the work sites of every house built after his. If you're ever short of money, but desperately need some crown moulding, then Big Doug is the man to see.

Oscar was one of the first to live in the Sack. He has witnessed the construction of most of its homes. He says the builders would smoke copious amounts of marijuana during the work day, to offset the alcohol they consumed the night before. It's no surprise, he says, that Sack houses have so many "boo-boos" in them.

***

Gordon has a different phrase for the "boo-boos." He calls them "building code violations."

He has spent considerable time trying to gain satisfaction for various deficiencies in his home. The only thing he has to show for these efforts is a bad case of high blood pressure.

A few years ago, Gordon completed some minor renovations in his home. During the work, he found the decaying remains of a Big Mac, a large order of fries and a medium Coke. He found these items behind the drywall in his spare bedroom. He said the food was still in its McDonald's bag. The bag and the Coke were sitting between two wall studs.

***

The exterior of Burning Manor is almost complete. The last bit of siding was installed on Saturday.

The colour of the new siding has given Elizabeth another dose of resentment. The old Burning Manor was a pale, sickly green. The new colour is a pleasant, butter-yellow.

This, unfortunately, is exactly the same colour as Elizabeth's house. She lives right next door to Burning Manor.

Oscar has continued to refer to Burning Manor as "Dirk's Erection." He told Elizabeth she should be relieved that Dirk would want his erection to look as pleasing as possible. Dirk's old erection, he said, was the shabbiest on the street. This new attention to esthetics suggests growth on Dirk's part.

Elizabeth responded with a very theatrical smirk. It was, one would imagine, her first smirk of the new year. Oscar thinks there will be many more to follow before 2006 is over.

***

Of course, Elizabeth is still planning to confront Dirk when the time is right.

She spent five hundred dollars to replace some of the siding on her house after the Burning Manor fire. That was the deductible amount on her insurance policy.

She wants Dirk to pay up.

***

So far, no one has seen Dirk and Dora together whenever they've driven by to look at the construction of their home. They always come separately, but in the same car. Neither of them has yet to get out of the vehicle. They just drive very slowly past the house.

Elizabeth says the day is fast approaching when one of them will have to get out the car.

***

Burning Manor wasn't the only subject discussed at the New Year's drop-in affair. Ben also regaled the gathering with more tales about his recent colonoscopy.

He said he wouldn't wish such a procedure on his worst enemy. This comment caught Elizabeth's attention. She ended up asking Ben a lot of questions about his colonoscopy.

Finally, she said it sounded like it would be a very fitting experience for Dirk.

She also said she has a birthday coming up later this month. Apparently, she now knows exactly what she'll be wishing for.

***