***
Oscar wanted to go for an evening walk.
Given past form, this was a very surprising desire. Oscar's interest in walking is normally limited to a gentle amble under a soft, summer sun.
Apparently, however, his man boob eradication program has been reactivated for the new year. Oscar discovered the growing ampleness of his bosom last month. He made a brief, but heroic attempt to resolve the problem, but to no avail. Pushups, it seemed, weren't Oscar's thing.
Oscar says he has the wrong "body type" for pushups. Walking, he claims, will be far more suitable for a man of his stature. He expects to wear a t-shirt again without any self-consciousness, if he can maintain a regular walking regime until spring.
Oscar calls his new walking program, "Man Boobs Be Gone."
***
We walked out of the Sack together and into the outside world. It was a cold, but dry evening. Oscar was complaining because he forgot to wear his toque.
Within ten minutes, we encountered our first fellow pedestrian. It was Little Doug's prospective son-in-law, Weed.
Weed had just walked out of the local coffee cathedral. He had a large coffee in his left hand.
He said he was taking a break from a budgeting session with Daisy. She wants them to make some serious financial changes as they prepare to have a baby later this year. So far, Weed said the session wasn't going very well at all. He said it was "all very, very confusing."
In no hurry to return to the budget session, Weed suggested that we repair to the vinyl-covered comfort of the coffee cathedral.
Oscar said this was a fabulous idea.
***
As we settled into a corner table, Weed asked us a very unusual question.
"Are either of you guys . . . circumcised?"
***
Weed and Daisy, it seems, have had their first dispute on the subject of their future child.
Daisy raised the issue of circumcision with Weed last night. They were discussing the gender of the child they're expecting in July.
Weed said he hadn't given the matter any thought at all. He thought it was something a doctor did as a matter of routine.
"I just thought they included it in the whole delivery package," he said. "I didn't know you had a decision to make."
***
Weed was under the impression that circumcision was automatic, unless you had some good reason for not doing it. Daisy, on the other hand, has done a lot of reading on the subject. She said their future son could be traumatized by the procedure, not to mention the risk of damage to his sexual organs.
Weed said the whole circumcision matter has been more than he bargained for. He doesn't remember being traumatized by his own circumcision, so he thinks it should be okay for his son, if they end up with a boy. But, Daisy, he said, has spent a lot of time on the Internet researching the subject.
He said Daisy could go "toe-to-toe with any circumcision expert," if she was so inclined. The only way to change Daisy's mind, he claimed, is by showing that their future son will be ostracized for his uncircumcised penis. That's why he's taking an informal poll of his friends and associates.
***
So far, Weed says his poll is painfully short of data.
Three people have identified themselves as circumcised. None of them, Weed stressed, could recall anything about the actual procedure.
Only one uncircumcised guy has responded so far. The guy works at the same call centre where Weed toils. In addition to being uncircumcised, Weed said the guy is also a "techno-nerd."
Oscar said he didn't think there was any relationship between circumcision and occupational interest. Weed looked very doubtful about this.
***
Six people have refused to respond to Weed's poll.
One guy, Weed claimed, even tried to punch him in the stomach, when he posed the question to the guy at work. Weed said he thought the guy was "cool" up until that point. Now he's not so sure about him at all. He also suspects the guy of being uncircumcised.
***
Another person who declined to answer was Weed's boss.
His boss actually brought the circumcision matter up at an unscheduled meeting with Weed at the end of the work day. Apparently, someone had complained that Weed was wasting valuable call centre time pursuing his circumcision poll.
Weed thinks it was probably the guy who tried to punch him in the stomach. "It was either him, Weed exclaimed, "or that techno-nerd."
***
Another subject Weed wanted to discuss related to socks.
He said he had received a "bag-o-socks" for Christmas from his mother. A "bag-o-socks," according to Weed, is exactly what it sounds like. It's a bag containing ten pairs of socks.
Oscar says the item can be purchased at any of the old town's discount emporiums for less than seven dollars.
***
Weed said he has worn a new pair of socks each day since Christmas. By the end of each day, at least one sock has developed a hole. He said he even ripped his heel straight through one sock while he was putting it on.
Fortunately, he said he still had the bag from the "bag-o-socks." Apparently, the socks are made by a company in China. Weed says he's thinking about tracking the company down and demanding justice. It's not the money he's interested in, he explained, it's the principle of the matter.
"These people," he said flatly, "are selling disposable socks."
"These people," he said flatly, "are selling disposable socks."
***
"Consumer avenger," according to Weed, is one of the career paths he has been thinking about as he flails away at the call centre.
It's something he said he could do from home, even though there might be some travel involved. Weed thinks Oscar is half way to becoming a holy man, because he works at home in his pyjamas.
So, Weed says he's taking another poll to see if anyone has encountered a similar problem with the Chinese-made "bag-o-socks."
Unfortunately, neither of us has had any previous experience with such garments. Weed looked a bit disappointed.
***
Given the way things are going at the call centre, Weed doesn't think it's a good idea to ask people at work about their socks. He has a growing feeling that his supervisor doesn't like him very much.
"I have to keep a low profile there for a while," he said, as he made a scissor-like motion with his fingers, "or I'll be cut from the payroll just like that."
***
9 comments:
Is a toque any winter hat or a special kind of cap?
Historically, it's a woolen hat without a brim. It fits tightly over your head, including your ears. It can also give you a bad case of "hat head."
i have heard that circumcision is done for cleanliness reasons weed might want to know.
I'll pass that on to him. He needs all the help he can get. Cheers!
As one who is...shall we say...continental...in the penile area, I support Daisy's decision.
I don't know if it's available in the Great White North, but Penn&Teller have a series on Showtime called "Penn&Teller's Bullsh*t," an episode of which discussed this very option. It's relatively graphic, with actual babies getting their tips lopped, plus an old man who managed to--ahem--resheathe his sword.
And tell Oscar that the only way the evening stroll will reduce his mancans is if he's walking on his hands.
Yeharr
Ha...love the "continental" description. It sounds sophisticated.
Unfortunately, I don't think Penn & Teller's show is on here, at least in these parts. Though I'd love to see it, I'm kind of glad I haven't seen that particular episode ---resheathing the sword!!?? What next?
Ill-fated is the best way to describe Oscar's evening stroll idea, especially when you include the donut he ate during this one.
Cheers.
I should probably stay out of this, but I'm beginning to understand the glazed-over expression on my husband's face when we had a similar conversation about Baby X.
In the way that my mother always tells me too much (and sometimes I take after her), I unfortunately learned that my brother got circumcised the hard way. Too many showers in junior high got my parents to take him back to the doctor for a painful and expensive cosmetic treatment. So there's your answer to what's next.
I dunno. No one ever bothered me about it in the shower.
Maybe it was because I was a linebacker.
Yeharr
Ooh, Jessica.....that's gotta hurt. Actually, I knew someone who got snipped in his 20's for cosmetic reasons. Whatever floats one's boat, I suppose..... Cheers!
Post a Comment