With Big Doug and Gordon on their annual humanitarian visit to a Cuban resort, Oscar was curious about the Sack's snow shovelling protocol in their absence. Typically, they lead the way, shovelling-wise, with their initiative, thoroughness and attention to detail. Who, Oscar wondered, would set the pace in their absence?
Most people, however, simply had their heart set on a snow day. These are like unexpected holidays when they happen. It's like a reward for putting up with winter.
Somehow, the storm took a quick turn and missed the old town completely. A lot of people were disappointed about it.
Missing a snow shovelling opportunity would not go over well with Big Doug at all. Oscar thinks he might have sold his soul to the devil to prevent any snowstorms while he's gone. At the very least, Oscar added, Big Doug might've rented his soul to Rental Doug.
Of course, I remain doubtful about this.
***
It looks like Ben is going to be away for a while.
Computer Doug was talking to Norma yesterday and learned that Ben is being deployed to the Golan Heights in Israel. Canada, I'm told, has a peacekeeping presence there.
Ben, of course, is a senior cook in the military. He's supposed to leave in June and will be there for six months.
Computer Doug says it's too bad that Ben will be gone for so long. On the bright side, however, he says we won't have to shovel Ben's driveway while he's away.
***
Apparently, another truce has settled over the Bitterman household.
When we last heard from the marvelous Maxwell, he had fallen out of favour with Britney Bitterman's parents. Maxwell, of course, is the father of Britney's unborn child. He has been successfully unemployed for some time now. This is what caused the plunge in his popularity with Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman.
According to Oscar, Britney's parents have agreed to give Maxwell another chance. Mr. Bitterman has even gone a step further and found a job for Maxwell. Maxwell, Oscar says, is going to be working as roofer for a friend of Mr. Bitterman.
***
Oscar learned this information directly from Mr. Bitterman.
Mr. Bitterman and Oscar only have a driveway relationship. They usually just exchange brief pleasantries with each other. Talking about the weather, Oscar says, is about as deep as things tend to get.
This time, however, Mr. Bitterman suddenly launched into a rambling stream of consciousness about Maxwell, Britney, babies, jobs and retirement pensions.
***
If Maxwell sticks with the job, he'll probably move into the Bitterman home so he can help with the baby. That's what Mr. Bitterman said to Oscar. Apparently, he didn't look too happy about the arrangement, either.
On the bright side, however, the Sack's population might be rising again. Doo's step dad, Sticky, is supposed to move in by March. If Maxwell moves into the Bitterman household, the Sack will have a net gain of two residents.
Growth is good. It increases the shenanigan possibilities.
***
Earlier in the week, the Sack received a sprinkling of snow.
In the evening, Rental Doug was outside with his blended family kids helping them to build a snowman. As far as snowmen go, this one deserved an eight out of ten. At least, that's how Weed explained it to me.
Weed has been working on customer satisfaction surveys at his call centre gig. Apparently, customers are asked to rate various things on a scale of one to ten.
After speaking to "well over a billion" customers, Weed says he's started to incorporate the ratings into his day-to-day life. Beyond the obvious practice of rating movies, books and meals, Weed says the ratings have many other helpful applications.
Sleep quality, marijuana potency, boredom levels and even bowel movements are just some of the areas where Weed has been utilizing the scale of one to ten rating system. If you add up all of the ratings you've done in single day, Weed says you can determine an average rating for the day itself.
"So if someone asks how your day was," he explained, "you can just say, 6.78."
If Weed's new idea catches on, he says it will eliminate the need for people to say "fine," whenever someone asks about their day. People will be able to be a lot more specific.
***
On this particular day, Weed says he was sitting at 4.64 out of ten. It took him about ten minutes to do the calculation.
Working days, according to Weed, have yet to make it above five on the scale. This should be expected, he added, when one is working at a call centre.
Last Saturday, however, was something else entirely. Weed said the day averaged out at 8.17. He claims he had a fairly good idea that things were going well that day. But he didn't realize exactly how good the day was until he did the calculations on Sunday.
According to Weed, this is a good example of how we tend to overestimate our problems. If we really took the time to do the calculations, we would discover that things are better than we think they are.
"It's not just a matter of looking on the bright side, you know," Weed said philosophically. "You just gotta do the math, man."
***
6 comments:
I give this post an 8.75.
Had you given us Maxwell's reaction to the job, you would have gotten a nine.
Yeharr
My sense of anticipation at hearing Maxwell's reaction is at a nine. I'm predicting his enthusiasm level to be close to one. . . unless, of course, there are some indoor roofing jobs around.
...or if the roofing company is named after its own truck.
I didn't realize that roofing companies got much business in nor'easter season. I guess then Maxwell would be unsuccessfully employed.
This may be the bright side of Maxwell's new job. I don't think there'll be too many roofing jobs during the winter, either. The working hours are unlikely to be 9-5, five days per week. Sporadic hours would probably suit Maxwell nicely. . . . .
"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day."
- the late Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg. . . . now that was a funny guy.
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