Eat the Rich

"Good evening, sir. How are you this evening?"

"I'm doing very well, thanks. And you?"

"Excellent. My name is Terrance and I'm a candidate for Member of Parliament in this area . . . "

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, I'm running on behalf of the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada and I was wondering if I could take a few minutes of your time and tell you about our position on some the important issues facing our country."

"Oh, the Marxist-Leninists, eh?"

"Yes."

"That's very interesting . . ."

"Well, thank-you."

***

It's always interesting to hear about some of the more obscure parties that field candidates in our national elections.

While the media pays only scant attention to these parties during the campaign, it's far more than you hear about them between elections. Then, they're virtually ignored.

***

I had read in The Daily Snooze that the Marxist-Leninist Party was upset because my new friend, Terrance wasn't allowed to participate in a recent candidate's debate held in the old town.

The Party certainly had a valid complaint. Every other party was invited to the debate, even the Christian Heritage Party. Why not the MLPC?

Oscar, of course, had to point out that the Marijuana Party didn't show up for the debate. He said they probably forgot about it. Or it could've been because the debate was held too early in the day and the candidate was still in bed.

Weed says this is the trouble with the image of the Marijuana Party. People make the same tired jokes about them being too stoned to campaign properly. Nobody takes the time to learn about the Marijuana Party's important ideas about healthcare, the national childcare plan and constitutional reform.

When asked to elaborate on these ideas, Weed said he couldn't really think of anything off the top of his head, but he assured me the ideas were very good indeed.

***

It was good to see that the Marxist-Leninist Party was running a candidate in the Sack's riding. They don't run candidates in every riding, although there are still a surprisingly high number of candidates nationally.

Of course, I don't think any of their candidates have ever been elected.

As an adolescent, I remember how the Marxist-Leninist candidate in my area would magically reappear at election time. It was always the same guy; a rather severe looking man who always wore a pair of black-framed glasses, a white shirt and a skinny black tie. His jet black hair looked like it was cut during a bar fight.

His election signs were one of the most interesting aspects of his campaign. The same signs were hauled out each time he ran for office. I think he used to keep them in his garage.

The smaller parties tend to have minimal budgets, so it's rare to see their candidates with decent pamphlets, let alone election signs.

But Comrade Leon, as we used to call him, had broken the bank to come up with some simple black and white election signs. The most prominent aspect of its design was the blurry black-and-white image of the man himself.

***

The communists have never been that popular here. To many people, a Marxist-Leninist was something of an extremist or, for lack of a better phrase, a bit of a nutbar.

This has never been a fair perception, of course. There are intelligent people involved with the small parties, too. They're also very passionate about what they believe. And it's a good thing to be passionate about something.

Of course, this didn't stop us from having fun with Marxist-Leninist election signs.

***

The Marxist-Leninist signs were easily purloined under the cover of darkness. One still needed to be careful, of course, because the signs were almost exclusively posted on the lawns of Comrade Leon's relatives.

Apparently, his family was very big on Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin.

The next morning, the election signs would be found on the lawns of people who would be most likely to be horrified by an apparent association with the Marxist-Leninist Party.

Being a teenager wasn't always much fun. But turning a redneck into a red was always worth the amusement.

Of course, I'd never do anything like that now.

***

But Oscar would.

While I was talking to Terrance, the telephone rang. We were deep in conversation about how Terrance and his party would handle the whole democracy thing, if they were in power. I let the telephone call go to the voice mail.

Terrance was assuring me that the party would have "no immediate plan" to eliminate democracy. When I asked about the existence of an "intermediate plan," he started to get a little bit vague.

***

Apparently, Terrance had already been to Oscar's house.

Oscar even supplied Terrance with a cup of tea and some Rice Krispie squares. Dorian, Oscar's boy, made the Rice Krispie squares at school. Oscar said Terrance seemed to be ravenous and ate three of them. This was surprising, he said, since Dorian received a C-minus on the squares from his family studies teacher.

After a rousing discussion about state ownership of the means of production, Oscar apparently told Terrance that his vote could be counted upon when the election is held this Monday. Terrance, I'm told, was elated.

Oscar also told Terrance that he would be honoured to have a Marxist-Leninist Party election sign on his front lawn. Terrance said he would do his best to get one for him. He told Oscar he wasn't sure if there were any signs available, but he was going to look into it.

***

Oscar thought it would be very amusing if I also became a new supporter of the Marxist-Leninists and, like him, obtained an election sign from Terrance.

Since Gordon and Big Doug are going on their annual trip to Cuba this Saturday, Oscar thought it would be a fun to turn them into communists while they were away. We could put a Marxist-Leninist sign on their respective lawns as soon as they left. This would turn them into communists for ten entire days.

Even better, Oscar said, we could sit on my porch when they got home and watch them discover the signs.

***

Oscar was disappointed to learn that Terrance was no longer at the Wonders' door. He says we'll have to make do with only one Marxist-Leninist sign, providing, of course, Terrance "comes through for us."

We've agreed that Gordon deserves the honour of the Marxist-Leninist sign. He will be the least amused by it and will fret most about who has seen the sign in his absence.

Oscar says we'll be sure to take lots of pictures of the sign in front of Gordon's house. Next year, Gordon can show some of them to his friends, the Cuban resort workers.

They're sure to be impressed.

***