In the Name of the Father

Oscar told me he had some interesting Sack gossip to dispense.

We were sitting in the local coffee cathedral for the second time in three days. On each occasion, I've joined Oscar on his nightly walk. The walks are part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," Oscar's man boob eradication program. So far, they've all ended at the coffee cathedral.

It's only a ten minute walk from the Sack.

***

The news, according to Oscar, is about young Doo. It comes via Oscar's son, Dorian. He is known to be very knowledgeable in the ways and means of Sack kids.

Young Doo, of course, is a six-year-old imp, notable for his unfortunate verbal development and for breaking branches off small trees.

Dorian is just about the oldest of the Sack kids. The other kids, especially Doo, seem to look up to him. Dorian does his best to include Doo whenever Sack kids are playing together, even though Doo is one of the youngest.

Over time, Dorian has become proficient in understanding Doo's sputtering prose. He's now the Sack's interpreter of choice when it comes to important communication with Doo.

***

According to Dorian, young Doo will soon be acquiring something called a "tep tad."

More specifically, it's Doo's mom who'll be handling the transaction on his behalf. Her boyfriend will be moving in with her and Doo in the near future.

Doo, it seems, is getting a step dad.

***

Oscar tells me that Doo's mom got the step dad off the Internet. Apparently, this happens a lot these days.

Doo is reported to be quite pleased about getting a step dad. This particular one owns a big, black pickup truck. Doo loves "tucks" more than life itself.

***

The news about Doo's new step dad really won't be a big surprise to anyone. He has been seen around the Sack for the last eighteen months or so. He's a short, portly sort in his early forties. Oscar says he's a bus driver with the old town's public transit system. Those who've met him say he seems like a decent fellow.

Doo's mom obviously likes him, as does wee Doo. It certainly seems like a good thing from this vantage point.

***

Oscar tells me that Doo's step dad is named Dicky.

It's not Rick, Richard or even Dick. It's Dicky.

"Dicky" really is a very unfortunate name for someone in the Sack. It simply cries out for one's juvenile side to emerge. There will be nothing but low brow humour at every turn, if a name like that moves into the Sack.

This was Oscar's rationale for choosing a new Sack name for Dicky.

***

Oscar is always very keen to rename people in the Sack. Over the last six years, we've bestowed numerous new monikers on our fellow residents. Sometimes, as in the case of the Dougs, there are practical reasons for doing so. Mostly, however, it's done simply for the amusement.

After due consideration and the consumption of several maple sugar donuts, Oscar and I arrived at a new name for Dicky. It was, in the grand scheme of things, only a minor change. But Oscar felt confident it wouldn't evoke the kind of juvenile impulse he feared with "Dicky."

Doo's newly-acquired step dad will be known in the Sack as "Sticky."

***

"Sticky" was chosen in a very unique manner, compared to previous renaming efforts. Oscar says it reflects the growing sophistication of our creative abilities.

I remain doubtful about this.

***

Here's how we came up with "Sticky":

As we pondered the possibilities for Dicky, I said, almost absently, "Doo's step dad, Dicky." Oscar guffawed. It left him with a dusting of maple sugar on his goatee. I was going to say something about it, but decided not to.

"Man, say that three times, fast," I said to him.

He said, "Doo's step dad, Dicky," three times in rapid succession. He said it fluently and accurately. When he finished, he wore a look of smug accomplishment.

Oscar claims that he's well known in tongue-twister circles. I remain doubtful about this, too.

***

Then I said, "I'll bet you couldn't say it ten times, fast."

Oscar cleared his throat and put his maple sugar donut down. He straightened in his chair and began to recite "Doo's step dad, Dicky," ten times in a row.

There was a middle-aged couple sitting at the table beside us in the coffee cathedral. They were looking at Oscar with bemusement. Earlier, Oscar had quietly surmised that they were Internet daters meeting for the first time.

Oscar repeated the phrase correctly until the eighth attempt. That's when he said "Doo's step stad, Sticky."

A new name was born.

***

After renaming Dicky, Oscar began to reminisce about our previous naming efforts.

Big Doug and Little Doug, he said, were named at a time when we were raw rookies. We were mere boys in a man's game. This was reflected by the primitive, predictable and uninspiring names we came up with.

With Computer Doug, we took our first tentative step into occupational naming. It was, Oscar said, a sign of promise.

"Rental Doug wasn't one of our better efforts," Oscar said, accusingly. He wanted to call him Beelzebub Doug, but I wouldn't hear of it.

Mulva was another reasonable effort. It reflected an appreciation for popular culture and showed our ability, as Oscar put it, to "think outside the box." Of course, this effort was wasted when "those dullards decided to call her Tammy."

***

Weed brought his own handle with him when he moved into Little Doug's house with Daisy. There was no need for any intervention on our part. "Someone," Oscar said, "had already looked after him nicely."

When Elizabeth moved to the Sack, I wanted to add a small embellishment to her name. I suggested that we call her "Queen Elizabeth" due to her regal deportment.

Oscar, unfortunately, is a confirmed monarchist. He refused to consider the matter any further.

***

Anyway, Sticky is expected to move into the Sack in March. Apparently, he and Doo's mom will be getting married in June. Oscar thinks it will be great fun to see Doo dressed up in a little tuxedo. I can't disagree with that.

We got up from our table and walked outside. It was unusually pleasant for a January evening. I suggested that we walk further away from the Sack.

Oscar said he didn't feel like doing any more exercise for one evening. He said he was quite pleased with his progress so far. It was the most consistent program he'd developed yet, so he didn't want to ruin it.

"The key to it all," he said, as he licked the remains of some maple sugar from his upper lip, "is to just stick with it."

***