Off the News Wire

The new year is barely two weeks old and already, Sack news is starting to gather.

Given the mild, unseasonable weather, we won't need a shovel to dispense with it. A simple broom should do nicely.

***

Oscar and I hosted another winter edition of our show last week.

We host the show in my front room at various times during the winter. When the weather is better, it takes place on my front porch. In order for it to be considered an actual show, we need to have at least one guest.

Weed made it a show.

***

It's likely that Weed will be a regular guest for a while.

He and his pregnant girlfriend, Daisy, have established a new, rigid budget. They're hoping to buy a house and have a baby in one fell swoop.

Weed seems to be very committed to their goals. In a very unlikely move, he even took a job at a call centre. And despite all predictions, he's still working there.

The budget, however, is proving to be a bigger challenge for Weed. He said he's used to eating out on a regular occasion. In particular, he and Daisy are big fans of the late night takeout or delivery. The new budget has almost wiped out this activity entirely. Weed said he's just going to have to get used to the fact that he can't go out all the time.

During his appearance on the show, Weed made frequent visits to the Wonders' fridge and food cupboard. Oscar says Weed may have found a new way to cope with his tight budget.

He could be right about that.

***

During his visit to the show, Weed told a fantastic tale.

Oscar says the tale must be some kind of new urban legend. I have no idea about this.

Apparently, a female friend of his was conversing with a man on an online dating service. The woman, he said, is in her mid-thirties and was recently divorced.

The two corresponded online for several weeks and started to feel comfortable with each other. Although the man was older, the woman felt good enough about their contact that she agreed to meet up with him at the local coffee cathedral.

To ensure that she would be able to recognize him, the man said he would be sitting at a table and holding a yellow rose.

***

At the agreed upon time, the woman walked into the coffee cathedral. It was fairly crowded and, at first, she couldn't see anyone with a yellow rose. Finally, however, she caught sight of her online suitor.

Sitting at a corner table was an older gentleman. He was neatly dressed and was looking expectantly around the coffee cathedral. He was holding a long-stemmed yellow rose with both hands.

It was her own, recently-divorced father.

***

According to Weed, the woman and her father quickly got over the shock and embarrassment of the situation. They sat and talked for more than two hours. She said it was one the best conversations they'd had in years.

As mentioned, Oscar was a bit skeptical about the story. He said it would have been a better story if the guy had been her ex-husband. He could be right about that.

I have no idea whether it really happened or not. I just write it down.

***

The Canadian federal election is less than two weeks away.

The Sack's informal election sign poll is turning out to be a barnburner. The New Democratic Party (NDP) had been maintaining a substantial lead in the poll with their bold, orange election signs. Democratic socialism, it seemed, was finally on the horizon.

In recent days, however, the dreaded Conservative Party of Canada has staged a late, but formidable rally. After some rigorous statistical analysis, the current election sign poll results look like this:

New Democratic Party (2)

Conservative Party (1)

Don't Give a Monkey's Butt (22)

***

The Conservative Party sign appeared on Ben and Norma's lawn.

I was talking to Ben and Computer Doug the other day. It was a spontaneous meeting, as each of us arrived home at the exact same time. We walked down our driveways at the same time to retrieve our respective garbage bins. The moment cried out for a choreographer.

According to Ben, Norma used to babysit the Conservative candidate when he was a child. Apparently, this is the primary reason for voting for him.

***

Ben, of course, recently underwent a colonoscopy.

Like almost all medical treatment, a colonoscopy is covered by the public health care system. The Conservative Party is well known for its desire to decimate this basic human right. I don't know how much a colonoscopy costs these days, but I don't think Ben would prefer to pay for it out of his pocket.

Of course, everyone has the right to vote for whomever they please. If putting a tyke to bed and wiping his nose is what gets their votes, so be it. It's Ben's vote and Norma's vote, not mine.

It's also Ben's colon. If he wants to start putting money into his colon, I guess that's his choice, as well.

***

Mrs. Wonders tells me that she had a wonderful glimpse of Miss Britney Bitterman the other day.

Apparently, Britney is now starting to show some external evidence of her pregnancy. She was seen striding out of her house wearing a tight pink sweatsuit that offered a clear view of her maternal state. Mrs. Wonders said Britney had her hair in a ponytail and was wearing a large set of headphones.

She stood at the end of her driveway for a bit and then took a small stub of a cigarette from her purse. After lighting it, she inhaled deeply and then coughed a few times. Then she made a deep guttural sound and spat a glob of saliva onto the road.

Then a taxi showed up and whisked her away.

***

Oscar tells me that Jason Bitterman has returned from his recent road gig. Apparently, Jason was away peddling Christmas trees to the Christian masses. Oscar says the tree market tends to dip a bit after the twenty-fifth of December.

Mr. Bitterman told Oscar that Jason will be joining the military in March. At least, that's when he'll be leaving for basic training in Quebec.

This will be about the fifth time that Jason has been rumoured to be going away for basic training. It is said that he actually did go once, but was forced to withdraw for some reason.

Oscar said he'll be able to learn more about this from Maxwell, Britney's beau and the father of her impending child. It seems Maxwell is around the Sack almost all the time lately, especially during the day. Oscar says he won't be surprised if Maxwell ends up moving in with the Bitterman family, after Jason goes away.

He could be right about that.

***

Finally, Gordon and Big Doug are making preparations for their annual vacation in Cuba.

Big Doug, I'm told, has acquired a supply of surplus T-shirts. He intends to give the shirts to Cuban resort workers as a humanitarian gesture. The T-shirts advertise the "2003 Early Bird Funspiel" held at his curling club.

Curling is a sport that's inexplicably adored by a surprising number of Canadians. The curler slides a heavy chunk of granite across an ice surface. There's a lot of yelling and sweeping going on, as well.

It is actually a very enjoyable game to play. It's also a lot harder than it looks.

***

On the back of the T-shirts is the phrase, "Hurry, Hard!"

This is a phrase that's often exclaimed in a loud voice during a curling match. Curling fans would likely be the only people to understand this phrase.

One wonders what the Cubans will make of it.

***