One-Armed Bandit

The Sack continues to enjoy very mild weather.

It can't possibly last much longer, of course. That would be too good to be true.

In the meantime, people seem to be taking advantage of it. Sack people seem to be going out more often than during previous winters. As a result, they're running into each other on the street more than they normally would for this time of year.

Sack people tend to hibernate a bit during the winter and don't see each other as much. Of course, this can be a good thing, too. There are some people in the Sack who need a break from each other from time to time. Gordon, for example, needs a break from worrying about other people's landscaping efforts. Six months of fretting isn't good for anyone. And, of course, people need a little less Gordon after six months under his watchful eye.

On the positive side, the milder weather lets us keep in touch and, in some cases, learn a bit more about each other.

***

Maxwell, Oscar tells me, is developing a great affection for the Sack as his union with Miss Britney Bitterman continues to grow.

Oscar has run into Maxwell almost every day over the last two weeks. Most of the time, they've run into each other in the Sack. On a few occasions, he has even encountered Maxwell at the local coffee cathedral. Oscar says Maxwell seems to have staked out his own table. Already, he appears to be on a first name basis with the coffee matrons.

The coffee cathedral is where Oscar spent an hour "shooting the breeze" with Maxwell the other day.

Oscar was out on another one of his "exercise walks." These efforts are part of "Man Boobs Be Gone," an exercise in male breast reduction. So far, this seems to involve a brief stroll to the coffee cathedral for some java and occasionally, a maple sugar donut or two.

***

Maxwell reports that his fledgling business, Cutlass Supreme Painting has been having some growing pains. In particular, the business has been hampered by his failure to acquire its namesake, a 1993 Cutlass Supreme.

An expected settlement from a local Walmart store has yet to materialize. This is where the start-up capital for Cutlass Supreme Painting was to originate.

Maxwell slipped in a puddle of water at Walmart and cracked his noggin on the floor. While he admits he has never actually held a regular full-time job, Maxwell wants Walmart to reimburse him for lost income and, of course, pain and suffering.

The absence of a company vehicle has also prevented Maxwell from acquiring the fourteen-foot ladder he needs to carry out his work. This is part of the domino effect caused by the failure of Walmart to make a settlement with him.

Without the ladder, Maxwell hasn't been able to begin the one and only painting gig he has obtained so far. The customer in question is Mr. Bitterman, Britney's dad and Maxwell's prospective father-in-law.

Oscar thinks it's very strange that Maxwell would require a fourteen-foot ladder to work on Mr. Bitterman's place. There are no ceilings taller than ten feet and Oscar is aware that Mr. Bitterman owns an eight-foot ladder.

Maxwell would only say that the painting business is very complicated and full of hassles. Then he quickly changed the subject.

***

Oscar says Maxwell preferred to talk about his legendary prowess as a bowler. Not only is he very good at it, but Maxwell claims that he regularly beats the stuffing out of challengers from both near and far.

Oscar wondered if he had ever considered becoming a professional bowler. Maxwell said he could easily be a millionaire in the sport, but, unfortunately, there are no professional opportunities for a bowler of his kind.

Maxwell, it seems, is very adept at candlepin bowling, a variation of bowling that is played only in New England and some parts of the Maritime provinces. If not for the total rejection of the game in the rest of the world, there is no doubt that Maxwell would have achieved greatness in the sport.

He told Oscar he would be running a business called, Mercedes Benz Painting, if there was a professional candlepin bowling tour. Then he howled with laughter.

***

Genetics, it seems, has played a significant role in Maxwell's development in the sport. At least, that's how he described it to Oscar.

Maxwell comes from a long line of candlepin bowlers. He claims it would be great folly for anyone to think they could match a team against Maxwell and his family. He says people in his family start candlepin bowling before they can even walk.

The reason for the family affinity for bowling is linked to his grandfather. Apparently, his grandfather was given a job as a janitor at the local bowling alley after he returned from World War I, even though he returned with only one leg.

The owner of the place had great affection for Maxwell's grandfather and allowed the veteran's children to bowl for free. Maxwell's father apparently took over the job at some point, so Maxwell and his siblings received the same benefit.

***

In the course of the candlepin bowling story, Maxwell told Oscar more about his family.

Maxwell, apparently, has a fraternal twin brother. Despite sharing the same genetic makeup, the two are not on very good terms.

According to Maxwell, his twin brother tried to kill him when they were about twelve years old. He said his brother held him under water while they were swimming at a local lake. Only through the intervention of an older sister did Maxwell survive. He claims he has no idea why his brother tried to kill him.

Ever since, Maxwell says the two haven't been close. He says he prefers to give his brother a wide berth, in the event that his brother tries to kill him again. He only sees his brother now at Christmas and on their mother's birthday.

His twin brother is also the only family member who is not an active candlepin bowler. In addition to the murder attempt, Maxwell claims this is good evidence that there is something wrong with his twin brother's genetic makeup.

We should be thankful, Oscar said, that Maxwell isn't teaching science at the local junior high school.

***

Oscar has lived in this part of the old town for his entire life. He says he's familiar with Maxwell's twin brother, although he doesn't know him personally. Apparently, the brother is the antithesis of Maxwell; he's married and has several children, works in a bank and owns a modest home in the old town's west end.

***

Maxwell's father was a champion candlepin bowler, as were two of Maxwell's older brothers. Although his grandfather introduced the family to the game, he didn't play the game himself. Maxwell said this had nothing to do with only having one leg. He said his grandfather suffered from shell shock after World War I and didn't like the noise associated with candlepin bowling.

Disability, however, has not stopped other family members from becoming accomplished candlepin bowlers. In fact, the best candlepin bowler in the family, according to Maxwell, is his father's one-armed brother.

Maxwell claims that his Uncle Ted is the best one-armed candlepin bowler in Canada, if not the world. Apparently, he routinely defeats bowlers who have both appendages.

Oscar asked if there was an actual competition for one-armed candlepin bowlers. Maxwell was rather vague in his response to this question, but said his Uncle Ted once "cleaned the clock" of the best one-armed candlepin bowler in New Hampshire.

***

Oscar says that Maxwell has invited him to play candlepin bowling together sometime. If the right person is working at the local alley, Maxwell says they may even be able to play for free.

It seems that the bowling alley's new management holds little respect for Maxwell's bowling bloodlines. He said the new owner thinks he should pay for the privilege of bowling there.

This is something that doesn't sit well with Maxwell at all. It's not because he doesn't have much money, of course. It is, according to Maxwell, the principle of the matter. No one in their right mind, he claims, would charge Wayne Gretzky if he wanted to play hockey with you, so it behooves him to pay for the privilege of bowling.

Fortunately, a friend of Maxwell's works at the local bowling alley. Maxwell says the friend owes him money and allows him to play for free in lieu of the debt. They just have to make sure the owner isn't in the building whenever Maxwell wants to play.

***

Maxwell also told Oscar that he might be moving into the Bitterman home in the near future. He said him and Britney need to get ready for the baby's arrival in June. They need to save money for an apartment and baby-related things.

He also said he's only getting social assistance right now and it won't be enough to "pay for a baby."

Oscar thinks it will be very good for the Sack, if Maxwell does move in with the Bittermans. He says it's important to have diversity in the kind of shenanigans we have around the Sack.

Maxwell, Oscar says, will make a very nice addition, indeed.

***