For the Record

The Sack enjoys yet another Canada Day weekend.

Oscar pursued his worrisome attraction to fireworks. Dirk and Dora held their first shindig at the new Burning Manor. Gordon bought a new pressure washer and was busy cleaning everything on his property that's visible to the human eye. Computer Doug brought home an armful of DVDs, so his two young kids will be occupied over the weekend. His wife, Marion is working throughout the holiday.

Someone allegedly stole a basketball from young Doo's front lawn. At least, that seems to be Doo's story. Big Doug put up an oversize Canadian flag on the pole attached to his front porch on Friday night and took it down promptly on Sunday morning. Ben and Norma had family visiting from Newfoundland. Elizabeth was upset because Ben's brother parked his car in front of her house all night.

So far, it has been a normal Sack long weekend.

***

Last Sunday night, Daisy gave birth to a baby boy. Weed said the baby weighed "eight pounds and change."

The baby's name has been a matter of great speculation leading up to the birth. Neither Weed nor Daisy would divulge any prospective names. They said everyone would find out after the baby was born.

Of course, this didn't stop Sack people from making a few suggestions.

***

Britney Bitterman gave birth to a baby boy a few weeks ago. There are unconfirmed reports that her baby's name is Earl.

Oscar said he was very disappointed when he heard this news. He says he's still hoping it isn't true. Unfortunately, however, he hasn't run into Mr. Bitterman yet. Oscar and Mr. Bitterman enjoy a "driveway relationship." Occasionally, Mr. Bitterman departs from this and divulges his thoughts and feelings about intimate family matters.

Oscar was disappointed about "Earl" because he'd already suggested it to Weed if Weed and Daisy's baby turned out to be a boy. He said there's no way they'd go with "Earl" if there was already one in the Sack.

Besides, Oscar argued, what are the chances of having two "Earls" in one cul-de-sac?

Given the quantity of "Dougs" in the Sack, I told Oscar that anything was possible.

He said I could be right about this.

***

If Weed and Daisy had a baby girl, Oscar had suggested "Pearl" as worthy of consideration.

"Earl" and "Pearl," Oscar admitted, came to him while he was watching an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies on digital cable. He was watching the one where musician Earl Scruggs was courting Jethro's mother, Pearl.

Earl Monroe, a famous basketball player, was called "Earl the Pearl." Unfortunately, Oscar didn't think this was particularly germane to our conversation.

Weed said he wasn't too crazy about "Earl" or "Pearl." He said he'd heard of The Beverly Hillibillies, but said it was a little bit before his time. He had no idea who Earl Monroe was and, quite frankly, said he didn't follow basketball at all.

Nevertheless, he said he'd pass the name suggestions along to Daisy. At the time, he also suggested that Oscar shouldn't hold his breath.

***

Daisy came home from the hospital on Tuesday. Both she and the baby are doing well.

Weed, on the other hand, is looking a bit rough around the edges. Oscar and I ran into him at the local coffee cathedral on Thursday. Apparently, he and Little Doug are eating quite a few meals there. Given the baby's arrival, Weed says Daisy isn't really up to cooking for them right now.

Little Doug has had his own reasons for keeping his distance from the house. Apparently, his ex-wife is staying with them while Daisy gets used to being a mom.

All in all, Weed says fatherhood is "kind of freaky" so far.

***

The baby's first name is Owen.

Oscar had very little to say, at first, after hearing this news. He seemed to hide his "Earl" disappointment quite well. Then he asked Weed if the baby had a second name.

Weed says the baby's second name is Douglas. This is in homage to Little Doug, himself. Apparently, this is also the name of Little Doug's father. The little bugger is now a third-generation Doug.

***

Owen Douglas, according to Weed, is a very appropriate name for the baby. He said the name captures his relationship with Little Doug perfectly.

Apparently, Little Doug has been helping Daisy and Weed by providing them with free shelter and food, so they can save for the baby and, ultimately, a house of their own. Weed says Little Doug also cosigned for their car loan and plans to help them with the down payment on their eventual new home.

Weed says "Owin' Doug" fits quite nicely.

***

In the end, Oscar was thrilled about the baby's name.

"Technically speaking," Oscar claimed, the baby's second name means there are now five Dougs living in the Sack at the same time. This, he added, means the Sack owns a Guinness World Record for the most Dougs in one cul-de-sac, "beyond a shadow of a doubt."

With the addition of Doug That Moved, a former Sack resident, the Sack also holds the record for most number of Dougs overall in a cul-de-sac. At least that's how Oscar sees things.

***

It's customary to bestow a new name on any incoming Sack resident.

Oscar says he's more than satisfied with Baby Doug, as the new arrival's official moniker. He says it fortifies the notion of a fifth Doug and, according to Oscar, accurately describes the child's youthfulness.

I don't know what to think about the entire matter. On one hand, I have trouble with the authenticity of a Doug, when he's only using a second name. A real Doug, I think, would have Doug as his first name. Official status should only be granted to those who go by Doug all the time, even though it was only their second name. This, I think, shows a certain amount of commitment to one's Dougness.

At least, that's what I explained to Oscar.

On the other hand, I don't have much time for thinking up new names right now. Gordon was calling me with some regularity on Sunday. He's volunteering to pressure wash things for me with his new pressure washer. So I'm trying to come up with some things to keep him busy.

In the meantime, though, we're going with Baby Doug.

***