Red in the Face

Sunday finds Oscar and I hard at work.

I'm carefully raking the leaves on the front lawn. Oscar is working very hard watching me rake leaves.

Oscar doesn't have any leaves to rake. By some strange combination of wind direction and land elevation, his leaves seem to find a way to land everywhere but on his own property. This happens without fail every year. Oscar doesn't even own a rake.

Some people are just lucky that way.

***

Big Doug has a beautiful shrub at the front of his house. Over the last few weeks, it has turned a brilliant shade of red. Mrs. Wonders tells me the shrub is a burning bush.

It really is quite striking.

***

I decide to take a break from raking. Reluctantly, Oscar agrees to take a break from watching me. We sit down on my front steps and gaze around The Sack.

Pointing across the street, I comment on the beauty of Big Doug's burning bush. Oscar says it looks like the colour of blood. I reply that it's more like "apple red."

We debate this matter for several minutes. Finally, Oscar says, "You say, to-may-to and I say, to-mah-to."

***

Oscar's comment leads to a new debate.

"I bet the majority of people say, to-may-to." I say confidently.

Oscar disagrees. He thinks to-mah-to is slightly favoured by the general populace.

***

Because we have far too much time on our hands, we decide to take an informal poll of available Sack residents. Oscar runs home to get a tomato. We need it to induce responses from people.

Oscar returns ten minutes later. His wife, B.W. was very suspicious when he came in to get the tomato. He told her we were involved in some very important linguistic research. First, he had to explain what linguistics meant. Then he had to explain about the tomato.

Oscar says B.W. still thinks he's planning to throw the tomato at someone.

***

The first three people we encountered were Florence, Gordon and Computer Doug. Each turned out to be "to-may-to" people.

I worked very hard to keep the smirk off my face.

The next person we saw was Big Doug. He's a "to-mah-to" man. As we were talking with him, Ben and Norma pulled into their driveway. We walked over to their car and met them as they got out.

Both Ben and Norma said "to-mah-to."

Oscar did a little jig on their driveway. Ben and Norma went into their house, glancing back at us with wary looks on their faces.

Since Ben and Norma are a couple, I didn't think it was fair to count them as two votes. When two people are together for a long time, it's inevitable they'll pick up each other's speech patterns.

Oscar wouldn't buy it.

***

We needed a tie-breaking opinion.

It took almost half an hour of sitting in the cold for someone else to show up. To keep warm, we threw the tomato back and forth for a while.

Finally, Little Doug drove into The Sack.

***

Oscar stepped in front of Little Doug's car, waving his arms like a traffic cop. Little Doug rolled down his window as Oscar held out the tomato in a slow, dramatic fashion.

"What's this?" he demanded.

Little Doug looked at me for a second, then back again at Oscar.

"That's a to-mah-tah." he said.

***

Oscar tried to claim victory. I said that Little Doug's response did not match the established criteria for our research. We argued for a few minutes and then I threatened to throw the tomato at him. He agreed we would ask one more person.

***

It was a quiet day in The Sack. We didn't see anyone else and it was starting to get colder.

The only other person around was young Doo.

Doo was busy throwing rocks into the empty foundation of Burning Manor. He was getting back at Burning Manor for splitting his head open a few weeks ago.

Oscar was the first to raise the possibility of asking Doo for his opinion. I looked at Oscar as if he'd lost his mind.

But it was getting colder by the minute.

***

We realized that asking Doo how he pronounced "tomato" would be a long shot. Doo can't even pronounce his own name properly. Only seasoned Sack people can interpret Doo's words without asking him to repeat himself.

Finally, we decided to give it a try. If Doo gave us a Little Doug-like response, we would declare the survey a draw.

***

We called Doo over to my front steps. I held the tomato in front of his eyes and spoke very slowly.

"Doo, what do call this?"

He reached out to take it from my hands, but I pulled it back. Then I repeated the question.

"What do I git if I'm wight?" he said slyly.

"You can keep it, if you get it right." Oscar said.

Doo pulled on his chin and twisted his mouth back and forth. Finally, he folded his arms and looked directly at me and then at Oscar.

"It's a to-may-to."

***

He said it perfectly. Oscar dropped his head between his knees trying to stifle a laugh. Doo gave us a quick, wide smile and plucked the tomato from my hands. Then he headed down the street toward Burning Manor.

When he got to Burning Manor, he walked tentatively toward the snow fence surrounding the foundation. He stood on his toes and peered into the former basement of the house.

Then he wound up and threw the tomato into the foundation.

***

Conclusions? Firstly, a slim majority of Sack people say "to-may-to" rather than "to-mah-to." Secondly, there are many words Doo cannot pronounce properly, but "tomato" is not one of them.

Finally, Oscar and I have agreed that Big Doug's bush is the colour of a ripe tomato.

***

Raking the Leaves

Autumn brings what is commonly known as "the fall colours." In and around the Sack, the leaves turn to brilliant colours of gold, red, orange and yellow.

It's one of the best things about the drop in temperatures. At least there's something pleasing to the eye when summer comes to an end.

Increasingly, the leaves are dying and falling from the trees. In The Sack, this means it's time to rake up the leaves.

That's what we're doing today.

***

Mulva, Florence's South Korean student boarder, continues adapting to life in Canada.

While Oscar and I were hosting our show the other night, we were distracted by a commotion outside in The Sack.

A car had pulled up in front of Florence's house. The car was filled with people and riotous laughter. There was even some hooting going on.

Eventually, Mulva and her friend, both squealing like schoolgirls, got out of the car and ran excitedly into the house.

Oscar says Mulva is acclimatizing very nicely to Canada, indeed. I think he could be right.

***

Oscar may also be right about Britney Bitterman.

He has already predicted a Bitterman meltdown by Christmas. Prior to Oscar's prediction, we saw a small example of what might be ahead.

Oscar says Britney knocked on Ben and Norma's door the other day. Norma answered the door and was sprayed by an angry stream of invective courtesy of Miss Bitterman.

Apparently, Britney accused Norma of "spreading rumours" about her. Oscar said Norma didn't have the foggiest idea what Britney was talking about.

***

Things of have been fairly quiet at the Bitterman home, according to Oscar.

He thinks this is mostly because he's had to keep his windows closed lately. Oscar says it's far too cold to spend time listening to the Bitterman family. He says he's got better things to do.

***

Doo is in the dog house.

Not a real dog house, of course. Just a metaphorical one.

Young Doo was seen swinging and tugging on some of the trees in The Sack's centre circle. He was told by numerous people (including old Mr. Wonders) to smarten up. I tried to explain to Doo that trees are like people.

"If you did that to a person, you'd be hurting them." I said.

(Increasingly, I can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth. )

As usual, Doo just looked at me with a blank stare. Then he slowly nodded his head up and down, and then back and forth.

***

At some point on Saturday, however, Doo was swinging on a tree branch again. Suddenly, it snapped with a loud crack.

Elizabeth came storming out of her house. I'm not sure if she saw the branch break or just heard the loud crack.

Either way, she made a bee-line towards wee Doo.

Doo was sitting on the ground with his eyes wide and his mouth agape. He'd been taken by surprise.

***

As Elizabeth came closer to him, Doo suddenly realized he was in, well. . . doo-doo. . . for breaking the branch.

Before Elizabeth could reach him, Doo sprinted off to his house.

Elizabeth picked up the branch and stared at it for a few seconds. Then she started to make a new bee-line. She headed directly to Doo's house.

***

Elizabeth knocked on the door and was soon in animated conversation with Doo's mom. Occasionally, she waved the tree branch in her hand.

From my vantage point, Elizabeth and Doo's mom looked like dancing marionettes as they argued about Doo's guilt in the tree assault.

Oscar tells me that Doo is grounded from The Sack's centre circle for the next week. He can go anywhere he wants, except for the circle.

That's a relief.

***

Big Doug cut his grass yesterday.

This was probably the last time he'll get to do it until next year. Everyone else cut their grass for the final time over two weeks ago.

Big Doug likes to stretch it out as long as possible.

***

When Big Doug finished cutting his lawn, he stood for a few moments with his arms resting on the handle of the mower.

He took off his baseball cap and ran his fingers through his thinning hair. Then he gazed slowly around his front lawn, as if storing the image in his mind. Finally, he put his cap back on and swatted at an imaginary fly.

It was a tender moment in The Sack.

***

Smoke Signals

From a social perspective, Canada is a pretty liberal place.

It's an increasingly multicultural society originally based on the notion of a cultural mosaic. Theoretically, people can hold on to their native cultural practices and be Canadian. At least, that's how it's supposed to work.

Same-sex marriage has been legal in most provinces for about two years. It was legalized by the federal government earlier this year. So far, the sky hasn't fallen and no one has gone to hell in a hand basket.

Canada's most lucrative agricultural cash crop is marijuana. Three of the four major political parties in Canada, including the ruling Liberal party, support its decriminalization. The federal government has stated its intent to decriminalize it, but the legislation is still sitting on the back burner. Many people expect the laws to be changed if the current government is re-elected.

Of course, not everybody agrees with these aspects of Canadian society. This is no surprise. People are always disagreeing with each other about something. Like the rest of civilization, Canada is just stumbling along, trying to figure out what works.

The Sack is a lot like this, too. We're just stumbling along just like everbody else.

***

Oscar and I hold the latest edition of our show in my front room.

It's a closed set because it's too cold to sit on my front porch. This is where we normally hold the show.

***

It only counts as a show if we have a guest. Guests drop in with some frequency when the show is held on the porch.

When the show moves indoors, we only have accidental guests. These are people who just happen to knock on my door while Oscar and I are consuming drink in my front room.

If Oscar and I are consuming drink in my front room and there are no guests, then it is just Oscar and I sitting in my front room consuming drink. There is no show.

***

On this night, however, we have a guest. The show is on.

Weed is Little Doug's prospective son-in-law. He's engaged to Daisy, Little Doug's comely daughter.

They're not engaged, per se, as there isn't an engagement ring or any formal wedding plans. The engagement will be official as soon as Weed has enough money to buy the ring.

Weed is our guest for the entire evening.

***

Because it is unlikely that anyone else will come to the door, Oscar and I decide that tonight's show will be a Weed Special.

It will be an indepth look at Weed.

***

Weed was available because Daisy had to go to a stagette. The stagette was being held for a friend who is really engaged.

Weed and Daisy live in the basement of Little Doug's house. This is supposed to help them save for a house, pay off their student loans and, one supposes, eventually save for an engagement ring.

According to Weed, things are moving pretty slowly on all of these fronts.

***

Weed is very good at smoking marijuana.

If you thought he was named for his proficiency in lawn maintenance, you would be wrong. He's called Weed because of the marijuana.

It is true, however, that Weed has some experience with lawn maintenance. He worked for a landscaping company for two straight summers when he was at school. But his name and previous work experience are simply coincidence.

***

There are certainly times when Weed does not smoke marijuana. There are usually exceptions to everything.

But Weed says it's getting to the point where he can't stand being around people who don't smoke marijuana. He says they're too serious, too tense and they're always worrying about things.

***

Not surprisingly, Weed is somewhat employment-challenged. He says he just hasn't found his niche, yet.

Oscar thinks Weed has already found his niche. It just happens to be marijuana.

***

Weed recently returned from a six-week work gig.

He traveled through three provinces helping two other guys erect some store fixtures at a chain of variety stores. Weed says they put up these advertising fixtures in over one hundred stores during the six weeks.

He said it was the most mind-numbing experience he'd ever had.

***

According to Weed, the leader of the crew was a hippie-like guy from British Columbia. It only took about fifteen minutes for Weed to determine the guy was a kindred spirit, at least from a marijuana perspective.

It was a relief to discover that, between them, they had enough marijuana to get through the full six weeks.

***

The third member of the crew was a young guy from Boston. Apparently, his father owned the company that manufactured the advertising fixtures. As a condition for getting the contract to install the fixtures, the hippie guy had to hire the young guy as part of the crew.

***

Weed says the weeks passed in a haze of long drives, short stints in identical-looking variety stores and cheap motels. The worst part of the trip was in the suburbs of some of the larger cities they visited. After a while, Weed said, these areas looked so much alike that it felt like he was traveling back and forth to the same place.

He conceded that marijuana may have affected this perception, but not by much.

***

The young Bostonian had never smoked marijuana before.

According to Weed, the kid developed quite an affection for it during the trip. Weed and the hippie guy were starting to get annoyed, because the kid was putting a pretty big dent in their six-week supply.

This problem was solved after they arrived in Montreal.

In Montreal, Weed says they were able to have one of their few free nights during the entire trip. Typically, they spent the evenings driving from one place to another.

This time, they went out for a night on the town. At some point during the evening, they became separated from the Boston kid. Weed says they never saw him again. The kid didn't come back to the motel, nor did he call them the next day.

***

Weed says it was a week before they heard anything from him.

Apparently, the kid met a young Filipino man at a club in downtown Montreal. It was, according to the kid, "love at first sight." The pair were now living together and even talking about getting engaged. The kid had no plans of returning to Boston and wanted the hippie guy to explain this to his father.

He also wanted to know if Weed would send him some marijuana. Apparently, marijuana from the old town is better than what's available in Montreal. Weed says this could be true.

***

Weed said he was glad to be back in the old town again. The hippie guy was okay to work with during the six weeks, but Weed said it was starting to wear on him to be with the same person so much.

Besides, Weed claims, it's getting to the point where he can't stand being around people who smoke marijuana. He's says they're too serious, too tense and they're always worrying about things.

***

Pranks a Lot

As people in The Sack get older, they start to slow down a bit.

As uptight and indignant as Gordon can get, he has mellowed a bit over the last few years. Big Doug has been known to put off cutting his lawn for over twenty-hours. A few years ago, you would've had to tie him down.

Oscar went to The Stones concert in Moncton and came right home the next day. For Oscar, this is shameful.

In the past, if he didn't get arrested, he would at least wander off for a few days.

Me? I have formally adopted a "I don't want any trouble" philosophy. It's easier that way. Steering clear of trouble saves energy. As a result, you tend to run at a lower speed.

That's why we're still not finished with Halloween. Because I'm just strolling along.

***

There were no Halloween pranks committed in The Sack.

I will admit to being a bit disappointed with this. No house was decorated with toilet paper. Shaving cream wasn't sprayed under the door handles of any cars. No burning bags of dog poop.

Not a single window was soaped.

***

I was definitely up for some Halloween pranks, even if the Wonders' house was on the receiving end. Except, of course, if our windows were soaped. It takes a lot of effort to clean those up.

That's another thing about getting older. A prank is only funny, if it doesn't take very long to clean up.

***

Oscar wanted us to pull a few pranks together.

He still has a small cache of fireworks in his garage. Oscar went through a "fireworks phase" earlier in the summer. It seems like he still has some of it left in his system.

I declined to participate in any pranks with him. I said I was at the age where I wanted to be entertained by other people's pranks rather than my own.

Besides, I pointed out, Mrs. Wonders and Oscar's wife, B.W., are still watching us very closely because of the mannequin thing.

We were going to put a Humphrey Bogart-like mannequin on Gordon's lawn while he's a work. We're hoping he'll see the figure when he checks his webcam at his work computer. We really haven't thought very much about what might happen after that. Hopefully, it will involve hilarity.

Unfortunately, this plan has been shelved for the moment.

***

Oscar said he was "miffed" with me, because I wouldn't engage in any pranks.

"When I finally get my helper monkey," Oscar said, "I doubt I'll want to spend much time with you at all."

***

Oscar warmed up a bit when I reminded him of some previous Sack spectacles which he was involved in.

A few years ago, Big Doug celebrated a milestone birthday. His family threw a big surprise party for him. They took him out for dinner and brought him home to a house full of surprise guests. Almost everyone in The Sack was there. There were lots of non-Sack people.

Someone had bought Big Doug a blow-up sex doll for his birthday. Apparently, it was supposed to be a joke.

Somehow, Oscar convinced the guy to give up the sex doll, so Big Doug could be given a warm welcome when he arrived at the surprise party.

With the help of Little Doug and other handy people, the blow-up doll was inflated and positioned in one of Big Doug's upper front windows. One of the doll's hands was positioned upwards in a friendly wave.

Little Doug had some portable spotlights typically used for doing construction work at night. These were set up at the front of the house. Dolly was beautifully illuminated in Big Doug's bedroom window. Her pointed plastic breasts cast two dramatic v-shaped silhouettes across the front of the house.

It gave the house a certain artistic flair.

***

Big Doug was very good-natured about the whole thing. I thought he might be upset because his wife's elderly parents were with him when he drove up. Elizabeth was horrified and left the party soon after.

I have no idea what happened to the plastic, blow-up sex doll. Maybe Big Doug still has it in his garage. It could be in a box right next to his supply of lawn plutonium. One can only guess.

***

During "White Juan", our hurricane-like snow storm from a few years ago, Oscar was behind another little spectacle.

We received over one hundred centimetres of snow in one day. That's a fair bit of snow.

It took three or four days for The Sack to be reconnected to the outside world. By the time the street was clear, a mountain of snow had been piled in the Sack's centre. Sack kids were ecstatic about this. They played on the top of this mountain for weeks.

Oscar and I took friendly bets over which Sack kids would get flung off the top of the mountain. Eventually, Jimbo threw little Tremayne off the mountain. He flew down the side like a puck and ended up at the top of Florence's driveway. Thankfully, Florence's car wasn't there at the time.

***

For some reason, Oscar had eight large flags, complete with wooden flag poles, in his garage. The flags were adorned with large logos extolling the virtues of a popular vodka.

I have no idea why Oscar would have these items in his garage. He has a female mannequin in there, so I suppose vodka flags should not be unexpected.

Anyway, Oscar had the idea that the flags would look very good if they were planted across the top of the Sack snow mountain. The kids thought the flags were terrific. It was like having their own kingdom to rule over.

Vodkaland.

***

Somehow, a photographer from the Daily Snooze showed up the next day and took a picture of the Sack kids playing in Vodkaland. In the caption to the photograph, Oscar was mentioned as its chief architect.

***

It seems we're now done with Halloween.

It's time to shuffle along to the next thing. Whatever it is, we'll approach it slowly and gently. There's no point in moving too quickly. If you go too fast, you can end up with trouble.

And I don't want any trouble.

***

Mailing It In

Sometimes the older one gets, the better some things seemed when you were a kid.

Halloween might be an example of this. When I was a kid, it seemed like we took the whole dressing up thing pretty seriously. And there were a lot more kids out by themselves. I remember it as a time when everybody had a lot of fun.

During Halloween in The Sack, it seemed like some kids weren't even trying.

***

The very first "trick or treater" appeared in The Sack at about four-thirty in the afternoon.

Many people weren't even home from work. Some folks were just getting out of their cars or walking up their driveways. Quite likely, some people were lying on their couches watching Oprah or some other televised abomination.

She was a young girl who looked about six years-old. She was dressed in a very inexpensive, store-bought costume. It was made of cardboard and tissue paper. She was supposed to be a princess.

Her mother marched ahead of her as they approached each house. The young girl stumbled behind looking mortified and bored all at the same time.

The seeds for a future therapy case had just been planted.

***

Just before five o'clock, young Tremayne and his older brother, Jimbo arrived at the Wonders' door.

They were dressed in their normal civilian clothing. No costumes, no makeup. No bags to hold the candy.

In unison, they said, "Trick or treat."

***

I was too confused to say anything other than, "What are you doing?"

Tremayne was the one to answer. "Trick or treatin'."

I tried very hard to think of something else to say. But I was stumped.

I gave each boy a bag of potato chips. Politely, both mouthed their appreciation and started down the porch stairs. I closed the door and went back into the front room. When I looked out the window, I saw them sitting on the porch stairs. They were devouring the bags of chips.

I continued to watch them from the window. Because I'm getting older, I was most curious about what they would do with their empty potato chip bags.

***

Like good Sack kids should, the boys put their empty bags in our garbage bin.

They walked next door to Florence's house and were rewarded with some small chocolate bars. Then they sat down on her porch steps and consumed the chocolate.

I watched them do the same thing at the next three houses. Then our doorbell rang again.

***

A girl of about twelve was at the door. She was dressed as a princess, as well. I could tell because she was wearing a fake tiara.

But that was the extent of her princess outfit. Like Tremayne and Jimbo, she was wearing her regular civilian duds. Princess, indeed.

She was just mailing it in.

This happened more than a few times during the night. About half of the kids didn't seem to break a sweat thinking about their costumes. It was hard to tell if any of them were having any fun. Many appeared subdued and even ungrateful.

***

We still have some bags of potato chips left and some chocolate bars. That's the good news.

***

Party Like It's 1969

During the impromptu demolition party on Monday, Elizabeth suggested that everyone should sing "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down."

Thankfully, nobody knew the lyrics to the song. Elizabeth started to sing it herself, but soon discovered she didn't know the words either.

Oscar thinks Elizabeth was consuming something more than coffee and banana bread during the demolition of Burning Manor.

I think he could be right about that.

***

Computer Doug wandered outside shortly after the demolition of Burning Manor began.

He was wearing what appeared to be pyjama bottoms and a faded New England Patriots sweatshirt. On his feet were a pair of oversized, furry slippers. The slippers even had fake claws protruding from the toes. They looked like they used to belong to a Sasquatch.

Computer Doug's hair was uncombed and sticking out in various directions. He was also carrying a large coffee mug. The coffee mug was about the size of a small dog.

***

According to Computer Doug (and he knows about such matters), "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" was recorded by The Band in 1969.

I already knew this, of course, although I didn't know the 1969 part. It worries me that Computer Doug would have this information in his head.

***

Computer Doug said it would be a very appropriate song for people to sing. The song was written by Robbie Robertson, who happens to be a Canadian.

Somehow, I don't think Elizabeth had nationalism on her mind when she brought the song up.

***

Don't bother checking to see if Computer Doug was right about 1969, The Band, Robbie Robertson or "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down."

I've already checked with my friends at Wikipedia and they seem to agree with Computer Doug.

***

Computer Doug lives on the other side of the now-defunct Burning Manor.

His place didn't sustain any damage during the fire, but he's still no fan of Dirk and Dora. He has two small children, so he doesn't want to see a repeat performance from them anytime soon.

Despite this, Computer Doug had no idea that Burning Manor was being demolished on Monday. He said he'd been working a great deal lately and thought he would take a day off to catch up on his sleep. That's what he was trying to do when the excavator started to rip Burning Manor apart.

This would explain the pyjama bottoms and the tub of coffee.

It would not, however, explain the Sasquatch slippers.

***

Yesterday, we mentioned our fond hope that Dirk and Dora might use this tragic event as a positive turning point in their lives.

It could be that Dirk has already begun to make his own turn. The latest news in The Sack says that Dirk will be moving into a rebuilt Burning Manor by himself.

That's right. . . Dirk, but no Dora.

***

Unfortunately, this rumour is somewhat suspicious. Oscar tells me someone said they hoped Dirk would move back alone, if he was going to come back at all.

Oscar says others heard this incorrectly and suddenly it became a fact. This is very common in The Sack.

***

Gordon is unmoved by any of these rumours. He remains certain that Dirk and Dora will return and more shenanigans will ensue. In his eyes, rumours about bad things are always true and rumours about good things are always lies.

There is no in-between for that man.

Gordon has decided that Burning Manor is the number one burning issue for the Sack Resident's Society to address. Apparently, it will be the second item on the agenda when the Society meets again in two weeks.

The first item will be to elect Gordon as the Grand Poobah of the Sack Resident's Society.

***

Finally, there was one casualty after the demolition of Burning Manor.

Despite the presence of a bright-orange snow fence around the foundation, young Doo found his way into the debris. Apparently, he slipped and banged his head on something. His mom said he needed six stitches on his forehead.

It remains unconfirmed whether Doo's pronunciation and diction have been improved by the smack to his head.

***

Bringin' the House Down

The week began with the total destruction of Burning Manor.

There was a carnival-like atmosphere in The Sack as the demolition began. A very odd, creepy kind of carnival, but a carnival nonetheless.

It was more than a little ironic that Burning Manor would come down on Halloween. The trick, Oscar says, will be if Dirk and Dora return to a new Burning Manor. It will be a treat if they don't.

***

An unusually high number of people seemed to be at home for this fateful day. Oscar claims that almost everyone took the day off just to see Burning Manor get demolished.

If you're a junior high school kid in the old town and you had a supply teacher on Monday, there's a pretty good chance your real teacher was at home in The Sack watching a house getting trashed.

***

A convoy of small trucks pulled into The Sack at exactly nine o'clock in the morning. A crew of workers clad in yellow hard hats gathered around the excavator parked on the front lawn of Burning Manor.

Amongst the crew were two fellows who were more smartly-attired than the rest. They stood off to the side looking at some blueprints.

They were the engineers.

***

I am told that the process of tearing down the two-story structure was fascinating to observe.

The workers had to tear it down without causing damage to the adjacent houses. They had the added pressure of doing it in front of the owners of the houses on either side of Burning Manor. One of the owners, of course, is Elizabeth.

Talk about pressure.

***

The demolition, however, went off without a hitch.

They dismantled the house, charred contents and all, within about three hours. What remained was a mountain of wood, shingles, siding, drywall and worthless personal effects.

After the demolition was complete, a parade of dump trucks lumbered into The Sack. The debris was quickly transferred to the trucks and before the day was over, all that remained of Burning Manor was its foundation.

The last thing the workers did was erect a bright-orange snow fence around the foundation.

***

Watching all of this was Dirk.

Sources say he was required to be present during the demolition. I'm not sure if this is true or not. Of course, I've never had my house torn down before.

Touch wood.

***

A group of curious Sack residents held court throughout the day.

At the centre of the crowd was Elizabeth. She had to pay a five hundred dollar deductible when her charred siding was replaced. As folks in these parts like to say, "She's still some mad about it."

Surprisingly, Elizabeth did not accost Dirk as previously threatened. She would prefer that Dirk and Dora stay away from The Sack for good. She says her five hundred bucks would be well spent if she never sees the backs of them again.

If they do come back, Elizabeth says she expects Dirk to "fork over some dough."

***

Instead of approaching Dirk, Elizabeth did something else.

She disappeared into her house and returned with a large tray containing freshly-brewed coffee and matching cups. She also had some homemade banana bread.

That's right. . . banana bread.

***

Elizabeth made a big production of serving coffee and banana bread to everyone. She even offered some to the workers. She didn't offer any to Dirk.

She spoke in an overly loud voice, telling everyone that "today was a day of celebration."

She asked everyone to be extra careful with their cups and saucers. Apparently, she was using her good china for this affair.

She said she only takes out the good china for "special occasions"

***

All of this, of course, was meant for Dirk's ears. He was clearly keeping his distance from the crowd, spending most of his time inside his car. The only time he got out was to inspect a photo album that was retrieved from the house. He glanced at it briefly, then tossed it in the back of a parked dump truck.

Mrs. Wonders says Dirk definitely would have heard Elizabeth's performance. She said Elizabeth was speaking in the manner of a seasoned actress, always conscious of projecting her voice to a large audience.

***

I must admit to feeling sorry for Dirk as he would have watched his house being demolished. I say this even though, indirectly, he almost caused real harm to all of us.

It must have been like watching his whole life reduced to a mountain of garbage. I'm not sure if anyone would feel good about something like that.

At the very least, let's hope this becomes a bit of a turning point for both Dirk and Dora.

***

Tomorrow: More about Demolition Day in The Sack.

***

Gum in My Hair

This morning I woke up with gum in my hair. Seriously. I'm not entirely sure how it got there, but it did.

More than half of my life is probably over and I've never managed to get gum in my hair. Until now. One would think this would only happen when you're a kid, but obviously not.

So the lesson is this: You're never too old to get gum in your hair.

***

Doo's mom tells Mrs. Wonders that Doo will be dressing up as a kangaroo for Halloween.

Doo's gonna be a kangaroo. Enough said.

***

Oscar has returned from his perversion excursion. He learned that a high-ranking guy with a very big corporation likes to smoke marijuana. I'm not sure whether to be pleased about this or dismayed. Maybe, I'm a little of both.

During his trip he saw another moose. This is his second moose in the last two months. We both agree this must be some kind of record.

Moose are fairly plentiful, of course, but only if you go looking for them. To have them find you is a little harder.

Oscar's last moose was when he went to The Stones concert in Moncton. The moose wasn't at the concert, of course. Oscar saw it near the place he was staying.

It would have been much funnier if he had seen it at The Stones concert.

***

Burning Manor still has its back stairs.

Elizabeth had vowed to remove them for her own use prior to the demolition tomorrow. Since it was the weekend, we had rain most of the time. Later in the day, however, it was fairly nice out.

This would have been a perfect time to dismantle them.

We don't know if Elizabeth approached two of the Dougs for help in this matter. Elizabeth was away for most of the day. Little Doug still has a few cracked ribs and a broken wrist, so he wouldn't have been much help. Big Doug is an avid curler and usually plays on Sundays. I think the curling season just started, too.

Perhaps Elizabeth changed her mind. Maybe her conscience got the better of her.

Either way, she's still going to tear a strip off Dirk whenever she does see him. She wants her five hundred dollar deductible back, one way or the other.

***

So the demolition of Burning Manor begins tomorrow.

I'm told it will take four days to bring it down to its foundation. Throughout The Sack, people are undoubtedly feeling relieved that Burning Manor will be no more. Gordon and Elizabeth are still holding their breath to see what happens next. Will Dirk and Dora return? Or will some new booze-swilling couple take their place?

Oscar and I are hoping that someone new will move into the rebuilt home. We have our fingers crossed that someone named Doug will move in.

Imagine, five Dougs in one cul de sac. If this wouldn't win us Cul de Sac of the Year, I don't know what would.

***

Cleanin' Out the Pockets

What exactly is lint? As usual, I had to pose this important question to the wise ones at Wikipedia.

Among other things, lint is an accumulation of clothing fibers found in pockets and washing machine filters. I suppose I already knew this.

However, I didn't know that lint is also known as "flooze." That's what Wikipedia says, so it must be true.

The comings and goings in The Sack also seem to accumulate over time. Just like lint. So one might say it's time to clean the flooze out The Sack's pockets.

***

Oscar left yesterday for a two-day work trip. He tells me it's an annual event held about five hours away from the old town.

In truth, Oscar says, there is very little work involved during the two days. Mostly, it's an exercise in drink consumption and miscellaneous hijinks.

Oscar says the trip can be best described as a perversion excursion.

***

Gordon will undoubtedly be acclaimed as the chairperson of the fledging Sack Resident's Society next month.

He approached Oscar earlier this week to discuss Oscar's interest in the leadership race.

Gordon said he'd heard from a reliable source (me) that Oscar had chairperson aspirations. Oscar admitted he was under pressure from "lots of people" to run, but had now decided that Gordon was the best man for the job.

According to Oscar, Gordon was speechless. He was similarly stifled when Oscar offered to not only nominate him for the position, but to act as his first lieutenant in leading The Sack to cul de sac greatness.

All of this, of course, is a ploy. Oscar says he's going to infiltrate and influence the Society's leadership in true undercover, suburban anarchist fashion.

***

Young Doo seems to have acquired a new behavioural problem.

He has discovered that rocks are inexpensive and readily available playthings.

Several times this week, Doo has been sitting in the centre of The Sack with a pile of fist-sized rocks. He seems greatly amused as he bangs them together, scrapes them on the curb and, ultimately, throws them violently on the pavement.

When Doo goes home, he leaves the jagged rocks strewn about the road.

***

On Saturday, Doo appeared to be holding his own rock-a-thon. He was out there for about three hours, pounding, scraping and smashing his precious rocks. According to Mrs. Wonders, he almost hit three cars (including the Wonders' little Honda) and almost gave another kid a concussion.

***

Gordon was the first adult to speak to Doo about the rock riot.

This comes as no surprise, as Mrs. Wonders says Gordon had been on duty in his window for almost the whole day. Sometimes he just stands there waiting for something to happen.

After Gordon told him off, Doo just sat on the curb looking forlorn. After a few minutes, he picked up a rock absent-mindedly and began to scrape it slowly and softly on the curb.

Within moments, he was playing with the rocks again at full-throttle.

***

Doo was soon getting heck from Florence. I watched one his rocks ricochet off the pavement and almost hit her car. She was unloading groceries from it at the time. She was more than a little ticked about it.

Once again, Doo sat in the centre of The Sack with a repentant look on his face.

Then he went back to smashing rocks.

***

Mrs. Wonders comes from a family of eight. She knows what works when kids misbehave and what doesn't.

She went outside and informed Doo that his rocks would be confiscated if he was seen with another one in his hand. When Doo claimed he hadn't touched any "wocks", Mrs. Wonders invoked his mother's name.

Doo went home with his arms folded across his chest. I think he might have been mumbling to himself, too.

***

Rental Doug now has a carved pumpkin on each one of the six steps leading up to his porch. In the early evening, a lit candle is placed in every one.

Oscar says, "Only a true friend of Satan would have that many pumpkins."

Ben and Norma tell me that Rental Doug and his blended family are regular church-goers. I mention this to Oscar, but it has no impact. He says he's going to buy necklaces bearing a gold cross for everyone in his family. If I have any common sense, Oscar says, I should do the same.

***

Finally, Elizabeth seems to have the most elaborate and spookiest Halloween decorations on her house.

This is very curious, since she seems to have some dislike for children.

It could be that she takes great pleasure in scaring the crap out of them.

***

Knock Me Down

A new chapter in the Burning Manor saga begins. . .

***

I return to The Sack from work on Friday and see something which wasn't there when I left in the morning.

A bright yellow excavator has been plunked on the front lawn of Burning Manor. An equally-bright, orange snow fence has been erected around the excavator.

Oscar says the snow fence was erected to prevent Elizabeth from using the excavator to knock Burning Manor down herself.

***

Sack sources (those who are home during the day) report that Burning Manor will be dismantled down to its foundation beginning on Monday.

According to the chap who unloaded the excavator, it is unknown whether Dirk and Dora are returning to The Sack. He said the demolition was supposed to begin last week, but Dirk couldn't be found to sign some papers relating to the demolition.

For some reason, the excavator guy was under the impression that Dirk was a pilot and was away frequently. Sack residents were greatly amused by this. Dirk does, in fact, work at the airport, but he's employed as a baggage handler.

***

Elizabeth came home just when the excavator was being unloaded on the lawn of Burning Manor.

Given that she had to pay a five hundred dollar deductible to repair her siding after the fire, Elizabeth is determined to "take what's mine" from the remanents of Burning Manor.

***

Elizabeth has a very nice back deck. Unfortunately, the deck does not have stairs leading to her backyard. Burning Manor has stairs attached to its back deck. The stairs weren't damaged during the fire.

Elizabeth has decided that Burning Manor's back stairs would be appropriate reimbursement for the five hundred dollar insurance deductible.

***

The excavator guy told Elizabeth, "If the stairs aren't there on Monday, you can be sure that I won't know anything about it."

Elizabeth has decided she now has authorization to dismantle the stairs and have them attached to her deck.

***

Elizabeth informed Mrs. Wonders about her retribution plan and asked if I might assist in dismantling Burning Manor's stairs. She was, according to Mrs. Wonders, a bit "miffed" when told her plan could be viewed as theft.

Mrs. Wonders says Elizabeth is now planning to ask Big Doug and Little Doug for their assistance.

We have made a friendly wager about their responses to Elizabeth. Mrs. Wonders thinks they will aid and abet Elizabeth in her dastardly plan. I'm doubtful about it. While both Dougs have little time for Dirk and Dora, Elizabeth's plan is probably too indiscreet for their tastes.

***

Big Doug is well-known for his ability to purloin building materials. When the last houses in The Sack were being built, Big Doug would make clandestine visits to the building sites to acquire materials such as drywall, interior doors, plywood, shingles and moulding.

It has been many years since Big Doug has stepped inside a home improvement store.

***

So Mrs. Wonders and I will be watching over the weekend to see if Burning Manor's stairs suddenly become attached to Elizabeth's back deck.

The loser of our wager has to buy a chocolate bar from young Tremayne.

***

Sales Job

For the second time in four days, young Tremayne appears at our door. Once again, he's flogging fund-raiser chocolate bars for his older brother.

***

I bought a chocolate bar from Tremayne several weeks ago (see Random Samplings). I also bought one from him last Monday.

Young Tremayne is only about five years-old. I try to explain that I'm not in the habit of buying two-dollar chocolate bars with such regularity.

My explanation goes sailing over the boy's head. He gives me a gap-toothed grin and asks again if I would like to buy a chocolate bar:

G.W.: "No, I still have the one I bought from you on Monday. Do you remember that?"

Tremayne: "You didn't eat it yet?"

G.W.: "No."

Tremayne: "How come?"

G.W.: "I just haven't been in the mood for it."

Tremayne: "How come?"

G.W.: "I only like to eat chocolate when I feel like it."

Tremayne: "You don't feel like it?"

G.W.: "No, not right now."

Tremayne: "Oh. . . . . are you gonna throw it away?"

G.W.: "No, I'll just keep it in the fridge for some other time."

Tremayne: "Oh. . . . . what if you don't feel like it?"

G.W.: "Then, maybe I'll give it to somebody else."

Tremayne: "Oh. . . . . I could eat it for you, if you want."

G.W.: "Deal. Let me get it for you."

***

I return to the door and give the chocolate bar to Tremayne. He has a plastic shopping bag containing the chocolate bars he's trying to sell. He stuffs this one quickly into his back pocket.

I say good-bye to Tremayne and start to close the door. Suddenly, he says, "You wanna buy a chocolate bar for later?"

***

Shin Kicking

Sack residents tend to resolve real or perceived problems in a very discreet manner. They make anonymous complaints to the civic government.

The anonymity is eventually lost, because the whistle-blower eventually tells someone else about it. Very quickly, most people will know who complained. Sometimes, even the so-called guilty party will find out who pointed the finger at him.

***

A former Sack resident decided to put up a rather inexpensive-looking wooden shed at the top of his driveway. He didn't have a garage, so he wanted the shed handy to put things away.

A few Sack residents were appalled. They felt the shed was an eye-sore and reflected badly on the look of the neighbourhood.

One resident researched the city by-laws and learned of restrictions on the location of such a structure. He complained to the by-law department and the shed-builder was told to move it.

***

Almost everyone in The Sack knew who called the city. Except, of course, for the shed-builder. He started to tell others about his call from the by-law people.

It took a long time for him to build the shed, he said. It would be a lot of work to move it and he didn't have much time. He was also annoyed that someone in The Sack would complain without speaking to him first.

So a bunch of Sack people volunteered to help him move the shed without dismantling it. One of the people who helped was the guy who complained.

***

Oscar and I were there to help move the shed. It was a very weird experience. No one particularly liked the shed and were glad to see it moved. But nobody felt good about how the complaint was made.

We're quite sure there's an ethical lesson in there somewhere, but neither of us want to spend too much time thinking about it. We just want everybody to get along. No feuds, no tension.

I bet there's at least one cul de sac in the world where everyone loathes each other and live in a constant state of mental warfare. With the wrong mix of people, I could see it happening here.

***

Every year Sack residents receive their property tax assessments. Some people talk openly about their assessments and others are more discreet. It doesn't really matter because they can be accessed on the Internet.

The same resident who put the authorities onto shed-builder, complained anonymously to the city because Florence's tax assessment was unusually low.

Florence's assessment was immediately increased to match, if not exceed, other assessments.

***

Eventually, others learned the identity of the whistle-blower and duly informed Florence. For a while, there was a lot of tension in The Sack about this affair. For the most part, it has mostly blown over.

Florence maintains a cool, but polite relationship with the whistle-blower.

***

Oscar and I were deeply disturbed by the whistle-blower's actions. Just because Florence was enjoying an unforseen benefit, there was no reason to complain. The whistle-blower, we felt, had nothing to gain from his complaint.

Of course, one would expect such a position from undercover, suburban anarchists.

***

There is a house in The Sack with a very unsightly lawn.

Gordon was extremely perturbed about it. One day, the owner of the house went out. Gordon brought his lawn mower over and cut the man's lawn. Then he went home.

Oscar and I watched the owner come home and stand on his driveway for a few minutes staring at his lawn. Then he shrugged his shoulders and went in the house.

Gordon has done this several times since then. The owner still doesn't know who's cutting his lawn.

***

In its glory days, Burning Manor used to have a badly-stained yellow blanket draped over its porch.

The blanket apparently belonged to the big, barking and bored dog which was tied in the front yard most of the time.

The blanket annoyed Big Doug to the ends of the earth. He would stand in his front window for long periods staring at Burning Manor with his hands on his hips.

***

One day Big Doug saw the Burning Manor crew drive away. He walked briskly across the street and retrieved it from the porch. He walked to the back of Burning Manor and placed the blanket in a garbage can.

The blanket was never seen again. Oscar doesn't think Dirk and Dora even noticed it was gone.

He could be right about that.

***

If you ever find yourself living in a cul de sac, it might be a good idea to do some research ahead of time. You should brush up on the local by-laws relating to residential living. You should also take a course in making your home look as unobtrusive as possible.

Most importantly, you should buy yourself a very good pair of shin-pads. There is always a good chance that a fellow cul de sac resident is going to kick you in the shins when you're not expecting it.

***