Street Sweepin'

This morning, I looked out our front window. The street was littered with accumulated bits of Sack news.

It's time to start to sweeping it up.

***

Christmas lights are slowly making an appearance in the Sack.

Rental Doug was one of the first to turn his on. This, of course, flies in the face of Oscar's contention that Rental Doug is in league with Satan.

Not surprisingly, Oscar was unimpressed with Rental Doug's apparent Christmas spirit.

"It's all just part of his plan." Oscar said. "The guy throws up a few measly white lights on his porch stairs. It's exactly what Satan would do if he was just trying to fit in."

***

Young Doo stands accused of breaking the third tree branch in the Sack's centre circle in as many weeks.

If found guilty, it will be Doo's second crime against nature. He broke the first branch, as well.

***

Jimbo, Tremayne's twelve-year-old brother, has fingered wee Doo as the culprit.

He identified Doo immediately when questioned by Gordon. Gordon, of course, is now the official Grand Poobah of the Sack Resident's Society.

Jimbo, on the other hand, is quickly becoming the Sack's official mole within the ranks of neighbourhood children. He was quick to identify his own brother in the case of the second broken branch.

***

Not surprisingly, Gordon is beginning to hold Jimbo in very high esteem. Recognizing an asset when he sees one, Gordon says he's thinking of making the boy a deputy in the fight against shenanigans in the Sack.

***

According to Jimbo, he saw Doo playing street hockey by himself on Saturday. In Doo's case, this means he was simply running about with a hockey stick without any apparent reason.

Apparently, Doo began wielding his stick like a drunken Musketeer. At some stage of the thrusting, paring and slicing, Doo struck the ill-fated branch with great authority.

Jimbo said Doo sprinted for home as soon as the branch broke. He has not been seen outside since.

***

When the evil crime took place, Jimbo was riding his bike repeatedly around the Sack's centre circle. He seems to engage in this vaguely autistic behaviour with some regularity.

Oscar thinks it's just a ruse for Jimbo's surveillance work.

***

Mulva, I am sad to report, has returned to South Korea.

Florence says she left early on Sunday morning. Mulva had been in the old town since September in order to learn English.

During her stay in Canada, Mulva seemed to go through a transformation. She arrived like a shy, awkward school girl. When she left, according to Florence, she looked like a different person.

Florence says Mulva wore a pair of black leather pants, her hair was embellished with funky braids and there was no shortage of make-up on her face.

***

Mulva told Florence she had a "super" time in Canada. She also made a lot of "super" friends. She was definitely going to come back some day.

"Super," Florence reports, is Mulva's favourite English word by far.

***

Oscar thinks Mulva learned most of her English partying at a few "super" clubs in the old town's downtown quarter.

This is probably true.

***

Ben and Norma left for an unscheduled trip to Edmonton last night. Sadly, Norma's grandmother passed away.

Oscar was stunned when he heard this news.

"Exactly how old was Nana?" he asked me.

I was wondering about the same thing. Norma is over fifty-years-old. How old was Nana, indeed.

***

Ben told me Nana was ninety-eight when she died. This is very impressive.

Someone sent a sympathy card around the Sack for people to sign. Unaware of the first card, someone else passed around a second card.

Oscar says he signed the first card, "Thinking of you during this difficult time."

When the second card showed up at his house, he signed it, too. In this card, he wrote, "Still thinking of you during this difficult time."

***

Ben saw Oscar and I chatting on my driveway before he left for Edmonton.

He asked if we would keep an eye on his house while he and Norma were away.

"Of course," Oscar replied, "And if someone burns your house down, we'll make sure we get it on videotape for you."

***

When Burning Manor was torched, Ben recorded the blaze with his video camera. One of the local news stations used Ben's tape when they reported on the fire.

Ben laughed at Oscar's comment. Then he glared at him.

***

Finally, rumours about the identity of the father of Britney Bitterman's future child are beginning to surface.

According to Weed, word on the street is pointing to a nefarious character named Maxwell.

Maxwell, Weed says, is a young man from the local area. He is reported to be a dentally-challenged lout with a strong aversion to work. These qualities haven't stopped him from already fathering one child with someone else.

Making child support payments is not something Maxwell is reported to be very good at, either.

***

Oscar says Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman must be horrified if this news is accurate.

Mrs. Bitterman is already suffering from a nasty fight with menopause. Mr. Bitterman is still recovering from a gallbladder attack.

"I will be very surprised," Oscar says, "if they put up any Christmas lights at all this year."

***

Work in Progress

The official return of Dirk and Dora probably won't occur until some time in February.

The rebuilding of Burning Manor has been proceeding very slowly. The construction crew is very small and they've only managed to work a few days this week. Only the basement has been completed so far. Heavy rain and high winds have put a damper on any faster progress.

Oscar swears he saw Elizabeth performing a rain dance in her backyard the other day.

This could be true.

***

The second meeting of the Sack Resident's Society took place on Saturday afternoon.

It was originally going to be at held at Gordon's place, but there was a last minute change of venues. Gordon had arranged to have his sofa and chairs steam-cleaned on Friday. Unfortunately, the furniture was still damp on Saturday.

According to Gordon, there is nothing worse than a wet bum.

***

Ben and Norma graciously offered the use their home for the meeting. Since they usually do their grocery shopping on Saturday afternoon, Norma said she wouldn't be able to offer her normal appetizers to the assembled residents. She said she would have to improvise.

***

Ben is a senior cook with the military. Apparently, there are several fringe benefits that come with such a position. One of the benefits is an occasional windfall of free food. On Thursday, Ben said he took possession of a case of German sausages.

The sausages became the one and only hors d'oeuvre served at the second meeting of the Sack Resident's Society.

In their wisdom, Ben and Norma served the sausages to each resident on a paper towel. Sack people may not be the most sophisticated folks in the world, but most have some sense of decorum. No one seemed quite sure about the most appropriate way to consume a German sausage served on a paper towel.

Fortunately, Little Doug is very fond of sausages. He wasted no time in wrapping the paper towel around the bottom of his sausage and eating it as he would a banana.

Eventually, almost everyone began to eat their sausage in this fashion. The only one who didn't was Elizabeth. She excused herself to go to the bathroom. She took her sausage with her. When she returned, the sausage was gone.

Oscar went to the bathroom just before the meeting ended. He said there was a sausage floating in the toilet.

This could be true.

***

So the meeting began with people eating German sausages in a banana-like fashion. Oscar said this made everyone look like primates. At certain points in the meeting, some people sounded like primates as well.

The first order of business was the long-awaited selection of a chairperson for the Sack Resident's Society. As expected, Gordon was the one and only candidate. He was thrilled to accept the position.

He made a brief acceptance speech. It was a polished and well-crafted oration. He pledged to provide leadership, accountability and action. The Sack, according to Gordon, would not be lead into the wilderness on his watch.

He said this with a smear of grease on his chin and a small piece of sausage on his upper lip.

***

A good portion of the meeting was devoted to the matter of Burning Manor.

Gordon introduced the draft of a letter he had written addressed to Dirk and Dora. It was written on the Sack Resident's Society's new letterhead. The Society's logo is very prominent on the page. The logo features the soaring image of a turkey vulture.

The letter was polite and to the point. It told Dirk and Dora that Sack residents are very upset with them about the fire at Burning Manor. More important, it said, Sack people are angry about Dirk and Dora's decision to move back. The letter ended with a warning that everyone will be calling the peelers at the first hint of shenanigans at the rebuilt Burning Manor.

***

The letter inspired a heated debate.

Gordon and Elizabeth were strong proponents for sending the letter to Dirk and Dora. It was, they argued, the only possible way of communicating the Society's displeasure.

Others felt it would only create more problems. Florence said we could be "fanning the flames" by sending such a letter. Oscar said Florence's comment was the best pun he'd heard all year. He made a motion for a special commendation from the Society for this. Gordon pretended he didn't hear it and the debate continued.

Others, such as myself, argued that it was best to just leave things alone. We should assume that Dirk and Dora have learned something from the Burning Manor affair and hope they will govern themselves accordingly. This would also allow room for better relations between them and Sack residents.

***

In the end, it was decided that a vote would be held.

Oscar was the last person to speak before the vote. He made a passionate plea to vote against the letter. While making an emphatic point about the matter, his sausage slipped out of his hand and landed in the lap of the woman beside him. It was Oscar's third sausage of the day.

The woman beside him was Lucinda. She lives in the Sack with her female partner. This was the first time she has attended a Sack gathering. Hopefully, it won't be the last.

Little Doug thought it was very funny that a phallic-like object would fall in the lap of a lesbian. He fought so hard to contain his laughter that he started coughing. He coughed so much he had to leave.

Little Doug typically has a coughing fit when he's bored. It's how he makes his exit. In this case, he was really coughing. But it was because of the sausage landing in a lesbian's lap. Little Doug has a very odd sense of humour.

***

The motion to send the letter to Dirk and Dora was defeated by a single vote. Gordon was very upset because he knew Little Doug was in favour of the letter. If Little Doug was still there, it would have been left to Gordon to make the decision about the letter.

Gordon is already angry with Little Doug because of the mess in Little Doug's yard. Now Little Doug has added insult to injury by missing the vote. It would not be surprising, Oscar says, if Gordon has a draft letter to Little Doug on the agenda for the next Society meeting.

***

As Sack residents filtered out of the meeting at Ben and Norma's home, we were met by two disconcerting discoveries.

A forlorn, broken tree branch lay in the Sack's centre circle. This is the third broken branch in as many weeks.

Down the street, a familiar car was parked in front of Burning Manor. It was Dirk and Dora checking on the progress of their new home.

Gordon says it can't be a coincidence that Dirk and Dora would be around at the same time that another tree branch has been broken. To his credit, he's not suggesting they had anything to do with the branch.

It is simply, according to Gordon, a very bad omen.

This, I'm afraid, could be true.

***

Pregnant Pause

Winter continues to edge closer to the Sack.

While snow hasn't fallen yet, it's getting colder and windier every day. As it gets colder, people in the Sack tend to hibernate in their homes. To the untrained eye, it can seem like very little is going on in the neighbourhood.

But looks can be very deceiving . . .

***

Oscar went to retrieve his newspaper from his front step yesterday. A sudden gust of wind sent some of the paper flying about the Sack.

He was wearing his work clothing at the time. In Oscar's case, this means a bathrobe and slippers.

One part of the paper landed on Ben and Norma's lawn. It turned out to be the comic section.

While retrieving the paper, Oscar encountered Norma. She was scraping ice from her car's windshield.

***

Oscar says it was bitterly cold, so he had little time to chat with Norma. It was also very windy, so he had to fight to keep his bathrobe closed. At the time, he was wearing his Homer Simpson boxer shorts. He got them for his birthday last year.

During his brief discussion with Norma, Oscar learned something very interesting.

Britney Bitterman is pregnant.

***

Apparently, Norma spoke with Miss Bitterman the other day.

Britney had accused Norma of making unflattering remarks about her chastity at the local bingo emporium. Norma wanted Britney to know that this was a case of mistaken identity. Another bingo player had actually made the derogatory comment.

***

Fortunately, Norma was able to smooth things over with Britney. Harmony has now been restored.

During the course of the discussion, Britney disclosed the news about her pregnancy. According to Norma, this was the reason Britney was so upset about the comment.

Britney's pregnancy, Oscar says, may also explain Mr. Bitterman's recent gallbladder attack.

He could be right about that.

***

Mr. Bitterman, by the way, is now back at home. He spent three days in the hospital because of his gallbladder.

Meanwhile, Gordon has become the Sack expert on all matters relating to gallbladders. I'm told he spent considerable time on the Internet learning about this particular organ.

When Mr. Bitterman returned from the hospital, Gordon was waiting on his driveway. Mr. Bitterman was still wearing his hospital ID bracelet.

Gordon thought it would be helpful to brief Mr. Bitterman on everything he had learned about gallbladder care and maintenance.

It was almost enough, Oscar says, to give Mr. Bitterman another gallbladder attack.

***

There is no other information available about Britney Bitterman's pregnancy.

No one knows who the father is, except, one would imagine, Britney. She didn't say how long she has been pregnant. Norma didn't think it was appropriate to ask about either of these matters.

We shouldn't worry about these details, according to Oscar. He says the full story should be floating around the Sack within a few days.

If not, Oscar says, he's thinking about going to bingo next week. Bingo people, he thinks, will surely have the full story. He suggested we should go together because we can "cover more ground" that way.

I might have a medical appointment that night. I'm thinking about getting my gallbladder checked, just to be on the safe side.

***

Health Matters

I went to the doctor the other day.

Apparently, I am in good health. Everything is ticking the way it should for a man of my age. "Keep doing what you're doing." said the doctor.

Now I have to figure out what I'm doing.

***

Mr. Bitterman, father of Sack goddess, Britney, is in the hospital.

Sources say he had a "gallbladder attack." Thankfully, it's not a life-threatening situation, although Mr. Bitterman will be in the hospital for a few days.

***

Oscar says Mr. Bitterman could have avoided the gall bladder attack if he had a home security system.

According to Oscar, not a single human organ has got beyond his door since his security system was activated last year. I pointed out that the Bitterman family does, in fact, have a system installed in their home. I remember when they installed it.

"Obviously," Oscar said, "it's not designed to detect gallbladder attacks. You have to ask about these things before you buy."

"Besides," he continued, "why do you think Gordon's still having panic attacks?"

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Speaking of Gordon, he took a very keen interest in the news about Mr. Bitterman's health. Apparently, the gallbladder is not an organ which Gordon is very familiar with. Now he's very interested in gallbladder attack prevention.

Gordon is a man who pays a great deal of attention to health matters. While this is normally a good thing, he is certainly known for taking things to extremes.

He is particularly prone to brief news items that extol the virtues of a particular diet or health practice. Even though he is in good physical condition, he is quick to adopt a recommended practice, even from dubious sources.

A few years ago, a short article in The Daily Snooze suggested the many benefits of consuming scallops. Gordon decided to jump on the bandwagon with great enthusiasm.

He started to eat a lot of scallops.

***

There is a thriving scallop industry in and around the old town. When one lives beside an ocean, this is not unusual.

It did not occur to Gordon that The Daily Snooze might promote locally-produced food on behalf of its advertisers.

Gordon ended up getting gout, as a result of eating too many scallops. At least that's what his doctor said.

***

Oscar found great humour in Gordon's predicament.

For days, Oscar began every conversation by exclaiming, "Gordon's got the gout."

He was genuinely disappointed when Gordon's gout went away.

***

Of course, Oscar has his own health concerns right now.

As noted in a previous post, he was shocked to discover that he now owns a pair of "man boobs." It's his intention to perform twenty push-ups per day until Christmas. He is very hopeful that his burgeoning breasts will be banished by then.

Unfortunately, Oscar has encountered some difficulties with the push-ups.

He tells me that he tried to perform twenty push-ups in his basement on Monday. Sadly, he was only able to do eight. Oscar says the last two push-ups were even a bit dicey. He said his knees were on the ground for those two. A "sober judge", according to Oscar, would declare six as the official number of push-ups.

When he woke up this morning, Oscar felt excruciating pain in his chest muscles and upper arms. He thinks this is from the push-ups. He says he's going to need a few days of recovery before he can try them again.

Meanwhile, he thinks his "man boobs" are getting bigger.

***

On the positive side, Oscar says he found a five dollar bill under his couch. He noticed it while he was doing the push-ups.

***

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Mrs. Wonders and I have agreed to give The Sack one year of probation.

Given all the shenanigans in the past year (we only scrape the surface here), Mrs. Wonders thinks we should consider moving.

My feelings are mixed.

I could do without some of the nuttiness. But The Sack can be an interesting and entertaining place, too.

If things are calm for the next twelve months, Mrs. Wonders agrees that we'll stay.

I wonder if anyone knows a good real estate agent.

***

Gordon is now aware that Dirk and Dora will be returning to Burning Manor.

Not surprisingly, he was very upset. Oscar says Gordon hasn't been this angry since he caught Doo peeing on his rhododendrons, a few years ago.

Something tells me Gordon will be spending a lot of time at his front window this winter.

***

Speaking of young Doo, it appears he has joined the ranks of The Sack's junior entrepreneurs.

He came to our door yesterday selling Christmas wreaths. It's part of a fundraising thing for his swimming club.

Of course, it took considerable time to determine what he was selling and for what purpose.

***

When I opened the door, Doo mumbled something about "weefs." After repeating himself several times, he took a deep breath and slowly said, "reefs."

I was about to send him over to Weed's place, when he waved a sheet of paper at me.

That's how I found out about the Christmas wreaths.

***

Then I made the mistake of asking him why he was selling the wreaths.

"It's for my wimin cwub." he said.

One day, I may be Old Mr. Wonders. But it's unlikely I'll ever be Stupid Old Mr. Wonders.

Doo is not on the fundraising committee of a womens group.

***

Of course, I already knew why he was selling the wreaths. The information was on the paper he showed me.

I just wanted to hear him say "swimming club."

If Doo never gets to a speech therapist, he'll need all the practice he can get.

***

Conservationists will be saddened by the news that a second tree branch has been broken in The Sack.

There is a handful of trees in The Sack's centre circle. Kids like to congregate there. They also like to swing on the tree branches.

This is the second broken branch in the last two weeks.

***

No adults witnessed this latest branch-breaking. Doo, of course, broke the first one.

This time, there were four kids playing in the circle. Tremayne was there with his older brother, Jimbo.

The two kids from Rental Doug's blended family were also there.

***

Oscar says he doesn't like Rental Doug's kids very much.

It has nothing to do with Rental Doug being a likely son of Satan, Oscar says.

"It's because they always have snarky looks on their faces." he says. "That's all."

***

Tremayne was the one who broke the branch.

Oscar says Jimbo fingered his little brother for the crime within seconds. I wasn't impressed by this. Nor was Oscar.

Brothers should stick together when they're kids.

***

Gordon has warned all the kids that a "zero tolerance policy" is now in place, as far as branch-breaking is concerned.

To reinforce the matter, he also told them that an "orange alert" has been instituted throughout The Sack. Tree branches will be watched very closely.

An "orange alert", I'm told, is a level of hypervigilance just below that of a mental illness.

***

Bad Moon Rising

When we fall down in life, it's important to get back up again.

We need to dust ourselves off and get back into the swing of things. It's not always easy, of course, but we have to make an effort.

Just like Dirk and Dora.

***

Oscar and I convene in my front room for drink.

It has been a busy week in The Sack and we have much to catch up on. We will not be holding our show tonight because we have no guests. It's raining out again, so we're unlikely to have any drop-ins.

As soon as I met at Oscar at the door, I could tell he carried important news.

Whenever Oscar has something very important or very funny to say, he has a tendency to bounce up and down a bit. If his head is bobbing, Oscar has something very interesting to tell you.

Oscar's head was bobbing violently when I opened the door.

***

Oscar works from his home. As a result, he spends more time in The Sack than anyone else. There are more crazy things going on during the day, Oscar says, than many people imagine.

Yesterday, Oscar looked out the window and saw a peeler car parked in front of Gordon's house. Naturally, he decided to investigate.

It seems that Gordon's security alarm had gone off several times and an investigation was now under way. While one peeler checked things out, the other chatted with Oscar for a while.

***

Somehow, their discussion included a mention of Burning Manor. That's when the peeler said, "Dirk and Dora are moving back."

The peeler said Dirk and Dora will be watched very closely.

Then he told Oscar that Dirk and Dora were a good example of the problems that occur when people of a "lower socioeconomic order" begin to "infiltrate the next level." In these affluent times, he went on to say, this is no longer just a phenomenon.

Oscar thinks the peeler must be taking some part-time university courses in sociology or criminology.

He said, "I think the guy has been studying too hard."

***

So Dirk and Dora are coming back.

"Better the devil you know." said Florence, when she heard the news.

It didn't surprise me to hear this from Florence. She is a very practical person. She puts snow tires on her car every year without fail.

***

Gordon is not aware of this news about Dirk and Dora.

We've decided to tell him tomorrow. Oscar says Gordon deserves at least one more good night's sleep.

The Sack Resident's Society meets next weekend. Gordon will no sooner become the Society's leader when he must face his first crisis. What, in the name of the heavens, can be done about Burning Manor?

Nothing. Dirk and Dora are just getting back on their bike after a big spill. It might not be the way I might do it, but they're just doing what they think is right.

Personally, I wouldn't move back to the same neighbourhood after being firebombed. Even if I considered it, I'd at least speak to my neighbours about the fire and give them some reassurances about the future.

At least that's what I think I would do. Sometimes we don't know what we're going to do until something happens to us.

***

Still, it's not a good sign when the peelers are your source of information about what's new with your neighbours.

***

After delivering the Burning Manor news, Oscar became uncharacteristically subdued. I asked him if something was on his mind.

Oscar was silent for a moment. Then, in slow halting words, he said quietly:

"I think I'm getting man boobs."

An uneasy silence hung in the air.

"Really?"

***

Oscar says he has put on a few pounds lately. Apparently, these have gone straight to his breasts. He was lying down the other day and says he suddenly noticed "some cleavage."

Closer inspection lead to the discovery of the "man boobs." Oscar says this has been on his mind for two days.

"Can you notice them?" he asked.

He stood up in the middle of my front room, holding his head up and standing tall.

"No," I said quickly, "You could fool me."

***

Starting on Monday, Oscar says he's going to do twenty push-ups a day. He expects his "man boobs" to be gone by Christmas.

If they're not, Oscar says he should be exempt from snow shoveling for the rest of the winter.

I remain very doubtful about this.

***

Takin' Out the Trash

It's only about six weeks until Christmas.

I hadn't even noticed. Little Doug was talking about going to a Christmas party in a few weeks. That's when I realized how close it is.

Time marches on.

And now it's time to catch up on some Sack news.

***

The rebuilding of Burning Manor has begun.

Workers arrived on Monday and began to set up a power box for the construction process. A teepee-like structure now sits on the front of the property. It houses the power box.

On Tuesday, they started framing the ground floor. That's as far as they've been able to get this week. It has been raining in The Sack ever since.

Burning Manor is slowly rising from the ashes.

***

It is still a mystery whether Dirk and Dora will move back.

Mrs. Wonders and I were on our way out on Sunday and passed Dirk's car as it entered The Sack. There were three women in the car.

We think Dora was driving, but we're not sure. If it was Dora, she seems to have changed her appearance since last August.

The car drove around The Sack's centre circle and moved slowly past the lonely foundation of Burning Manor. Then it sped away.

***

Elizabeth put up her Christmas lights on Sunday.

I was walking by when I saw her on her porch. She was standing on a chair, while attaching lights to the roof line of the porch.

"It's that time again, eh?" I said. I will say this a lot, now that I know Christmas is getting closer.

Elizabeth looked down at me sternly and replied:

"No, it's not. I'm only putting these up now, because it's warmer today."

"That makes sense." I answered.

She stepped down from the chair and looked over her glasses at me. "Last year, I put them up at the end of November and almost froze my friggin' fingers off."

She looked at her fingers for a second and then wiggled them a bit.

"I'm not going through that again. If I don't put them up now, they won't go up at all. And I won't be turning them on for a long time, yet."

It's that time of year again, indeed.

***

Oscar's boy, Dorian has been invited to play for an elite hockey team. Oscar is proud of the lad, but very displeased at the same time. It means a lot of driving and time spent in cold arenas.

"Never before," Oscar says, "has my need for a helper monkey been greater."

***

Little Doug is on the mend.

In the space of a few weeks, he fell off a ladder and tumbled down his front steps. The cast has now been removed from his broken wrist. Apparently, his ribs have healed nicely.

Besides Little Doug himself, Gordon was the most pleased about his recovery.

Little Doug's yard is strewn with tools, scrap lumber and other building materials. He had a lot of projects going on when he suffered his string of injuries. He left everything in his yard while he recovered.

When asked about the mess, he said he "might get around to it next week." This is not what Gordon wants to hear.

As each day passes now, Gordon will become more incensed if Little Doug doesn't clean up his yard.

Oscar and I find no end of amusement from these little Sack dramas.

***

We recently reported a minor Britney Bitterman explosion. She accused Norma, of all people, of spreading rumours about her.

Norma was stunned by the accusation.

However, I'm told that Norma has since pieced together a possible explanation for Britney's little meltdown. Of course, it is all a misunderstanding.

It seems that Britney and her mother go to the same bingo hall as Norma on Tuesday nights. Bingo, I must bashfully report, is a popular past-time in the old town.

Norma has learned that someone in the vicinity of her usual sitting area did, in fact, make some disparaging comments about Miss Bitterman. In the interest of good taste, I can only say that the woman described Britney as "a harlot in need of a good bath."

***

Norma thinks someone overheard the comment and by the time it filtered back to Britney, she'd been mistakenly identified as the perpetrator.

She's still thinking about whether to approach Britney about this matter.

I'm still thinking about Christmas being only six weeks away.

***

Choose Your Poison

A federal election is on the horizon.

It could be announced this week. The election might be held as early as January. Either way, it will happen next year.

So how will The Sack vote?

***

The Sack's current Member of Pariliament is from the Liberal Party. He's a cabinet minister, as well.

His father was a very successful politician and he comes from a wealthy family. He's very well-connected.

I don't have much time for the guy at all.

***

In the Sack's area, the provinical politician is from the New Democratic Party. The NDP platform is to the left of the Liberals. They have roots as a socialist party, but they've become much more pragmatic over the years.

More than anything else, this guy has really impressed me with his hard work and efforts to communicate with his constituents. People like those qualities these days. Some people will vote for those kinds of things rather than ideology or political platform.

Either way, this guy has been elected twice. If he runs in the next provincial election (also likely in 2006), he'll probably win again.

***

The Sack's city councillor ran for provincial office. She ran for the Conservative Party, but she lost.

As it stands today, The Sack is represented in governments by a liberal, a socialist and a conservative.

We like to cover all of the bases.

***

Who will Sack people vote for in the federal election?

I can only guess.

***

Florence will probably vote for the Liberals. She just strikes me that way.

Ben and Norma will likely vote Liberal, too.

Ben's in the military and the Liberals have been spending more money in that area. They also plan to spend even more.

So Ben and Norma will probably stick with what's working.

***

Oscar will definitely vote for the Conservatives.

This always surprises me. But Oscar is a "traditional voter." He votes the way his family has for decades. The Conservatives could plan to banish drink and Oscar would still vote for them. He says it's "in his blood" to vote for the party.

Banishing drink would be a real test of Oscar's blood. Somehow, I think he'd be having blood transfusions very quickly, if this ever happened.

***

Gordon and Big Doug will vote for the Conservatives. Big Doug would probably vote Libertarian, if they had a stronger party.

Gordon will vote Conservative solely because of Big Doug. If left to his own devices, he might vote Liberal. It would depend on what issue was pissing him off the most at the time.

***

I'd be very surprised if Little Doug votes at all. He doesn't seem to pay much attention to such matters.

Weed, of course, is a firm supporter of the Marijuana Party. This doesn't mean he'd actually go out and vote. But if he just happened to be passing a polling station on election day, Weed would probably vote for them.

***

I have no idea who Rental Doug might vote for.

Oscar says whatever party Rental Doug supports would have to be very pro-Satan.

I remain doubtful about this.

***

Elizabeth has all the appearances of a card-carrying Conservative. But she might be a "traditional" Liberal. It's really hard to tell.

She's definitely not a socialist, though.

***

Computer Doug is hard to pin down. He's well-informed and works in a business environment. Liberal or Conservative, take your pick.

***

What about the Bitterman family?

There are four votes in that house, but I doubt if Jason and Britney would recognize a ballot box, even if it fell on top of them.

Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman seem like Liberals to me. I can tell by the way they walk.

***

Doo, the tree branch-breaking, rock-throwing terror would not be backing the Green Party, if he was of voting age. I see him as more of a Liberal. You just never know what he's going to do next.

Tremayne, The Sack's chocolate bar baron, would back the Conservatives if he could. As a man of business, he'd want to keep the economic climate favourable for the entrepreneur.

***

The most important election in these parts will be held next week. Gordon is running unopposed for the leadership of the Sack Resident's Society.

Oscar and I were reading about an eighteen year-old who was elected as mayor of some town in the U.S last week. This had us thinking about the Sack election.

We're thinking about supporting Doo as a write-in candidate.

***

Girl Power

Shoveling snow in The Sack is not just a physical chore. It's a vital winter-time social activity.

Not surprisingly, Sack people spend more time indoors during the winter. This is true of most northern climates. Routine social interaction declines significantly. Informal chats at the curb and lazy "sit-downs" on your porch just don't happen when winter comes.

Snow shoveling offers the opportunity to catch up on each other's lives. During the long, cold months of winter, it gives you the chance to feel connected again and to feel like part of a community.

I could still do without the shoveling, though.

***

Gender is a key issue in Sack shoveling protocol.

The Sack is a mixed-bag of people. Generally, people are fairly accepting of each other's differences. When it comes to snow shoveling, however, notions of masculinity and femininity are reset to the 1950's.

To put it plainly, it's a man's responsibility to shovel snow. Not just at his own home, but any other home where a man isn't there. It doesn't matter if a man lives in a home, but just isn't home at the time. Other dudes are going to be responsible for his shoveling.

***

I have no idea why this practice exists. It's not that I'm against being helpful to one's neighbours. I'm all for generosity and kindness. You might say I'm a big fan of both. It's the orthodoxy of it that gets me.

And I could still do without the shoveling.

***

I'm not sure if Florence has ever shoveled her driveway.

As a single woman, she is viewed as a damsel in distress when the snow starts to fly. Gordon will immediately shovel her driveway when he finishes his own. Since we live next door to Florence, I'm expected to help him.

***

Mrs. Wonders enjoys shoveling. There are people like that.

Even though we shovel together, she thinks it's important for me to help Gordon or anyone else when the unwritten code is being enacted. It's not because she believes in the code. She just thinks it's a way of getting along with people.

I could still do without the shoveling, though.

***

There used to be a lesbian couple who lived in The Sack. They were fit, active and athletic.

When it snowed, however, they were viewed as two disabled, elderly spinsters. Even a few people who tend not to approve of such couplings were quick to shovel their driveway.

I know for a fact that lesbians can shovel snow. I've even seen them do it.

***

Another bizarre Sack shoveling protocol relates to winter vacations.

If you go somewhere warm for a few weeks while everyone else has to slog around in the cold slush, you're probably going to be shoveling as soon as you get back.

No one is going to shovel for you. It's that simple.

***

Ben and Norma were in Arizona when White Juan hit the old town.

It took several days for people to shovel their driveways. The street wasn't fully plowed for four days. There was a lot of shoveling going on.

It was very tiring work. Oscar looked over at Ben and Norma's house and whistled softly.

Then he said, "They're gonna have a lot of work to do, when they get back."

Everyone nodded and continued their own shoveling. It was an unspoken question about leaving Ben and Norma with so much work to do when they returned from Arizona.

***

During a pause in the shoveling, I finally put the question out to a small assembly of people.

"Do you guys think we should shovel Ben and Norma's place?"

There was a long pause as people considered the question and looked at each other for guidance. Finally, everyone spoke simultaneously.

"Nah."

***

A few days before Ben and Norma came home, the snow had melted a bit. It was also a bit lighter.

So we shoveled their driveway, anyway. They were very pleased when they came home. Norma made cherry pie for everyone who helped.

I don't really like cherry pie. And I could still do without the shoveling.

***

Snow Jobs

Snow will start falling any day now.

I can feel it in my bones. I can smell it in the air. Over time, one becomes intuitive about such things.

***

The previous paragraph is a load of shite.

I have no idea whether or when snow will begin to fall. Snow-wise, my body has no predictive abilities at all.

I'm environmentally-insensitive.

***

Snow shoveling is a matter of great importance in The Sack.

If you thought it was just a matter of moving snow around, you would be sorely mistaken. In The Sack, snow shoveling has significant implications on the perception of one's personal character, social relationships and gender role.

If a group of Nobel Peace Prize winners were sharing a house in The Sack, their achievements would be regarded suspiciously by other residents, if they didn't measure up in the snow shoveling department.

It's that serious, man.

***

Timing is everything, when it comes to shoveling.

The sooner one begins to shovel, the better. Late shovelers are viewed as lazy and irresponsible. They're also suspected of belonging to extreme left-wing political parties. Even worse, they might be hippies. They are definitely pot smokers.

Most people shovel when it stops snowing. Those who do this are seen as normal, law-abiding citizens. Most likely, they pay their taxes every year and probably do so on time.

Then there is Big Doug.

***

It is possible to see Big Doug standing on his driveway before the snow begins to fall.

He'll be armed with two shovels. His main shovel, Betsy will be gripped tightly in his leather work gloves. Betsy Jr., his smaller shovel, will be resting against the porch stairs.

Betsy Jr. is used for the finer points of snow removal, such as cleaning stairs and the correct shaping of snow banks.

***

Big Doug is known for shoveling during a snow storm. If it snows for six hours, he'll shovel at least three times during the storm.

For the mathematically inclined, Big Doug's shoveling ratio is 1:2. One shoveling effort for every two hours of snow.

***

An unexpected winter gift is the "storm day." This is when people get to stay home because of the snow. On average, we get two or three such days every winter.

Big Doug has never missed a day of work because of snow, even on storm days. He even made it to work during "White Juan." This was a winter storm we had about five months after Hurricane Juan in 2003. Most people were off work for almost a week.

Snow has met the enemy. His name is Big Doug.

***

Gordon is another early shoveler.

In Gordon's eyes, Big Doug is an icon. He is the font of all knowledge when it comes to all aspects of home maintenance and personal deportment. If Big Doug approves of something, then Gordon knows it is good and just.

When Big Doug is unavailable, however, Gordon becomes uncertain.

***

Big Doug once took a winter vacation. It snowed while he was gone. Gordon had no frame of reference or path to follow.

The storm began early on a Saturday morning. Mrs. Wonders and I settled in for a relaxing day indoors. We had everything we needed, in case the storm was a lengthy one.

At noon, Gordon called. I picked up the phone near our front window. I could see him standing at his front window. While we were talking on the phone, I waved to him. He waved back.

It was a ridiculous moment.

Gordon wanted to know when I was planning to shovel. I told him I was leaning heavily toward the time when it stopped snowing. He seemed very doubtful about this.

He said, "Ben is thinking of shoveling around two o'clock, if it hasn't stopped snowing."

All I could say was, "Oh."

Then I asked if he spoke to Oscar.

"Yes," he replied dismissively, "Oscar says he's going to start on Wednesday."

All I could say was, "Oh."

***

Oscar is a late shoveler, when he can get away with it. If he doesn't shovel right after a storm, his wife, B.W. will start to do it. This will bring him out right away.

Computer Doug is a late shoveler. Some believe his lateness has to do with a lack of awareness. Sometimes, he doesn't even know it's snowing. Apparently, he spends a great deal of time on the computer in his basement office.

Rumour has it that Computer Doug first learned about the arrival of Hurricane Juan when the power went out. He came upstairs and saw tree branches and siding blowing past his front window.

Little Doug used to be a late shoveler. Now, Weed is in charge of snow removal in the Little Doug household.

Weed is a late shoveler.

***

Ironically, I've just noticed some sporadic snow flurry activity outside.

From my window, it doesn't look like Big Doug is home right now. Thankfully, Gordon isn't home, either.

It's only a hint of snow, anyway. The flurries are melting before they hit the ground. This kind of snow is more of a warning about snow to come in the future. There won't be any shoveling in The Sack today.

***

This is just as well. Mrs. Wonders and I are off to the local home improvement emporium.

We're going out to buy a new shovel.

***

Next: More fascinating words about snow shoveling.