I can feel it in my bones. I can smell it in the air. Over time, one becomes intuitive about such things.
***
The previous paragraph is a load of shite.
I have no idea whether or when snow will begin to fall. Snow-wise, my body has no predictive abilities at all.
I'm environmentally-insensitive.
***
Snow shoveling is a matter of great importance in The Sack.
If you thought it was just a matter of moving snow around, you would be sorely mistaken. In The Sack, snow shoveling has significant implications on the perception of one's personal character, social relationships and gender role.
If a group of Nobel Peace Prize winners were sharing a house in The Sack, their achievements would be regarded suspiciously by other residents, if they didn't measure up in the snow shoveling department.
It's that serious, man.
***
Timing is everything, when it comes to shoveling.
The sooner one begins to shovel, the better. Late shovelers are viewed as lazy and irresponsible. They're also suspected of belonging to extreme left-wing political parties. Even worse, they might be hippies. They are definitely pot smokers.
Most people shovel when it stops snowing. Those who do this are seen as normal, law-abiding citizens. Most likely, they pay their taxes every year and probably do so on time.
Then there is Big Doug.
***
It is possible to see Big Doug standing on his driveway before the snow begins to fall.
He'll be armed with two shovels. His main shovel, Betsy will be gripped tightly in his leather work gloves. Betsy Jr., his smaller shovel, will be resting against the porch stairs.
Betsy Jr. is used for the finer points of snow removal, such as cleaning stairs and the correct shaping of snow banks.
***
Big Doug is known for shoveling during a snow storm. If it snows for six hours, he'll shovel at least three times during the storm.
For the mathematically inclined, Big Doug's shoveling ratio is 1:2. One shoveling effort for every two hours of snow.
***
An unexpected winter gift is the "storm day." This is when people get to stay home because of the snow. On average, we get two or three such days every winter.
Big Doug has never missed a day of work because of snow, even on storm days. He even made it to work during "White Juan." This was a winter storm we had about five months after Hurricane Juan in 2003. Most people were off work for almost a week.
Snow has met the enemy. His name is Big Doug.
***
Gordon is another early shoveler.
In Gordon's eyes, Big Doug is an icon. He is the font of all knowledge when it comes to all aspects of home maintenance and personal deportment. If Big Doug approves of something, then Gordon knows it is good and just.
When Big Doug is unavailable, however, Gordon becomes uncertain.
***
Big Doug once took a winter vacation. It snowed while he was gone. Gordon had no frame of reference or path to follow.
The storm began early on a Saturday morning. Mrs. Wonders and I settled in for a relaxing day indoors. We had everything we needed, in case the storm was a lengthy one.
At noon, Gordon called. I picked up the phone near our front window. I could see him standing at his front window. While we were talking on the phone, I waved to him. He waved back.
It was a ridiculous moment.
Gordon wanted to know when I was planning to shovel. I told him I was leaning heavily toward the time when it stopped snowing. He seemed very doubtful about this.
He said, "Ben is thinking of shoveling around two o'clock, if it hasn't stopped snowing."
All I could say was, "Oh."
Then I asked if he spoke to Oscar.
"Yes," he replied dismissively, "Oscar says he's going to start on Wednesday."
All I could say was, "Oh."
***
Oscar is a late shoveler, when he can get away with it. If he doesn't shovel right after a storm, his wife, B.W. will start to do it. This will bring him out right away.
Computer Doug is a late shoveler. Some believe his lateness has to do with a lack of awareness. Sometimes, he doesn't even know it's snowing. Apparently, he spends a great deal of time on the computer in his basement office.
Rumour has it that Computer Doug first learned about the arrival of Hurricane Juan when the power went out. He came upstairs and saw tree branches and siding blowing past his front window.
Little Doug used to be a late shoveler. Now, Weed is in charge of snow removal in the Little Doug household.
Weed is a late shoveler.
***
Ironically, I've just noticed some sporadic snow flurry activity outside.
From my window, it doesn't look like Big Doug is home right now. Thankfully, Gordon isn't home, either.
It's only a hint of snow, anyway. The flurries are melting before they hit the ground. This kind of snow is more of a warning about snow to come in the future. There won't be any shoveling in The Sack today.
***
This is just as well. Mrs. Wonders and I are off to the local home improvement emporium.
We're going out to buy a new shovel.
***
Next: More fascinating words about snow shoveling.
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