Health Matters

I went to the doctor the other day.

Apparently, I am in good health. Everything is ticking the way it should for a man of my age. "Keep doing what you're doing." said the doctor.

Now I have to figure out what I'm doing.

***

Mr. Bitterman, father of Sack goddess, Britney, is in the hospital.

Sources say he had a "gallbladder attack." Thankfully, it's not a life-threatening situation, although Mr. Bitterman will be in the hospital for a few days.

***

Oscar says Mr. Bitterman could have avoided the gall bladder attack if he had a home security system.

According to Oscar, not a single human organ has got beyond his door since his security system was activated last year. I pointed out that the Bitterman family does, in fact, have a system installed in their home. I remember when they installed it.

"Obviously," Oscar said, "it's not designed to detect gallbladder attacks. You have to ask about these things before you buy."

"Besides," he continued, "why do you think Gordon's still having panic attacks?"

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Speaking of Gordon, he took a very keen interest in the news about Mr. Bitterman's health. Apparently, the gallbladder is not an organ which Gordon is very familiar with. Now he's very interested in gallbladder attack prevention.

Gordon is a man who pays a great deal of attention to health matters. While this is normally a good thing, he is certainly known for taking things to extremes.

He is particularly prone to brief news items that extol the virtues of a particular diet or health practice. Even though he is in good physical condition, he is quick to adopt a recommended practice, even from dubious sources.

A few years ago, a short article in The Daily Snooze suggested the many benefits of consuming scallops. Gordon decided to jump on the bandwagon with great enthusiasm.

He started to eat a lot of scallops.

***

There is a thriving scallop industry in and around the old town. When one lives beside an ocean, this is not unusual.

It did not occur to Gordon that The Daily Snooze might promote locally-produced food on behalf of its advertisers.

Gordon ended up getting gout, as a result of eating too many scallops. At least that's what his doctor said.

***

Oscar found great humour in Gordon's predicament.

For days, Oscar began every conversation by exclaiming, "Gordon's got the gout."

He was genuinely disappointed when Gordon's gout went away.

***

Of course, Oscar has his own health concerns right now.

As noted in a previous post, he was shocked to discover that he now owns a pair of "man boobs." It's his intention to perform twenty push-ups per day until Christmas. He is very hopeful that his burgeoning breasts will be banished by then.

Unfortunately, Oscar has encountered some difficulties with the push-ups.

He tells me that he tried to perform twenty push-ups in his basement on Monday. Sadly, he was only able to do eight. Oscar says the last two push-ups were even a bit dicey. He said his knees were on the ground for those two. A "sober judge", according to Oscar, would declare six as the official number of push-ups.

When he woke up this morning, Oscar felt excruciating pain in his chest muscles and upper arms. He thinks this is from the push-ups. He says he's going to need a few days of recovery before he can try them again.

Meanwhile, he thinks his "man boobs" are getting bigger.

***

On the positive side, Oscar says he found a five dollar bill under his couch. He noticed it while he was doing the push-ups.

***