Splendor in the Grass

Grass is a very serious business in The Sack.

We refer, of course, to the type we place on the front, back and sides of our homes. We'll leave the other type of grass for another day.

***

Oscar and I hold a rare Sunday evening edition of our show. There is still daylight, but the sun is turning orange in the dusky sky.

Little Doug spies us from across the street and quickly becomes our first guest.

***

Little Doug is looking quite haggard. His face seems a bit flushed and he has a pained look upon it.

We remark about his appearance, so Little Doug tells us about a mishap.

***

Apparently, he was cutting his grass earlier in the day, when he noticed a loose piece of siding on his house.

While scaling a ladder to repair it, he slipped and fell from about eight feet.

He said he laid on the grass for about five minutes, trying to pull himself together. Then, young Doo ventured by and asked why Little Doug was "sweeping."

***

Little Doug has a nasty scrape on his elbow. He thinks he might have cracked a rib, too.

***

Oscar and I laugh uproariously at Little Doug's tale. Then we apologize for laughing. And then we laugh some more and finish with another apology.

Little Doug is one of the most good-natured people I've met. As we laugh about his fall, he joins in with a hearty laugh of his own. Unfortunately, the laughing causes pain in his cracked rib and he's forced to cut his visit short.

***

Oscar and I find ourselves without a guest. There are very few prospects moving about The Sack on this Sunday evening.

Then we see Weed, Little Doug's prospective son-in-law, drive into The Sack. We give him a welcoming wave, but he replies in pantomime from across the street with a polite refusal.

We conclude that Sunday evening is not a good time slot for our show.

***

As we amuse ourselves with talk of current affairs and miscellaneous Sack trivia, Oscar suddenly points across the street. Immediately, I see what has captured his attention.

***

Big Doug lives beside Gordon.

Big Doug's devotion to his lawn has been well-documented. Gordon, however, is the perennial contender for the honour of Best Lawn in The Sack.

Gordon works much harder at his lawn than Big Doug. But he seems to come up short every year.

Last year, Gordon came very close to perfection.

Sadly, a malfunctioning spreader caused a significant fertilizer burn on his front lawn. He put replacement sod on the afflicted area in a futile attempt at recovery. Big Doug successfully defended his title.

Of course, Big Doug's use of plutonium gives him a substantial edge. But Gordon doesn't know about this.

***

So, here's what Oscar and I see across the street.

Gordon and Big Doug are cutting their respective lawns at the same time. They are mowing in perfect sequence, with each seemingly unaware of the other.

As Gordon moves toward the back of his house, so does Big Doug. Momentarily, both reappear in perfect tandem as they proceed toward the front of their houses. When each begins to mow his front lawn, they remain in harmony.

It's an extraordinary sight to behold. Oscar and I are witnessing suburban ballet.

***

"Music.", says Oscar. "We need music."

I dash into the house and grab our mini-stereo. Mrs. Wonders is on the phone and gives me a quizzical look.

Among a sea of CDs, I pick up the first classical music I see. It turns out to be Vivaldi's, Four Seasons.

***

Back on the show, the music begins.

Big Doug and Gordon are still mowing. They've fallen a bit out of sequence, but the music makes this irrelevant.

Oscar and I sit back in startled amusement as Big Doug and Gordon put on a stirring, synchronized, grass-cutting performance. Both are striding purposefully as they mow, their faces set with intense concentration. They turn corners with majestic authority .

It is a riveting display.

***

The first piece of music comes to an end. This coincides precisely with the disappearance of Big Doug and Gordon toward the back of their houses.

We clap softly to ourselves. Oscar refills our glasses with drink. The sun seems to be hanging on just for our benefit.

Sunday night may not be the best time for our show, but we'll always have grass available to keep us amused.

***