Words of Wisdom

Oscar's boy, Dorian received an interesting assignment in his social studies class last week.

He was instructed to interview at least ten adults and ask them for advice that would lead him to success in life. Each adult had to give two separate pieces of advice. Then he was required to choose the two most common chunks of wisdom and write about it.

***

Dorian decides to interview adults in The Sack for his assignment.

Oscar brings Dorian's collection of Sack adult wisdom over to my house on the weekend. Our show is on hiatus due to the weather, so we take drink in my front room and review the list.

The most common pieces of wisdom are quite predictable: "Stay in School" and "Work Hard." This is what Dorian will have to write a dreary essay about.

***

As Oscar and I enjoy drink, we decide that a new list of collected wisdom from some Sack adults is required. So we add the following to Dorian's list:

Gordon:

(1) "The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Squeak loud and often."

(2) "Try to be the one in control of the grease. It will save you much time and energy."

Big Doug:

(1) "A healthy lawn means a healthy life."

(2) "Stay off my lawn, you little bugger, and you will live a long life."

Computer Doug:

(1) "For God's sake, don't ever buy a house. People will expect you to work your ass off decorating and fixing it all the time. Buy a condo, instead."

(2) "For God's sake, don't ever have kids. People will expect you to work your ass off feeding and looking after them. Get a cat, instead."

Little Doug:

(1) "Always use the right tool for the job."

(2) "Do not let Oscar borrow your tools because you will never have the right tool for the job when you need it."

Elizabeth:

(1) "Have a glass of wine every day. It's good for you!"

(2) "What were we talking about again?"

Rental Doug:

(1) "Give up your soul to Satan."

(2) "Actually, give it to me and I'll make sure he gets it."

Guy Wonders:

(1) "Always buy high-quality, comfortable shoes"

(2) "Always buy a high-quality, comfortable mattress. Replace it every five years. Do both of these things and very few things in life will bother you. Except, of course, if you drop out of school and don't work very hard. Then, you're screwed anyway.

Oscar:

(1) "Until you have your own income, always choose the least expensive route toward anything."

(2) "When you have your own income, always choose the most expensive route when buying things for your father.

***